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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP won't see me due to DD

545 replies

Potplant32 · 26/01/2021 09:12

I'm not sure whether this is the correct thread so apologies if it's not. I was looking for some impartial advice as my friends / family agree with me so good to get an outsiders perspective.

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week).

DD's school have rung me and said they're concerned that DD is going to fall too far behind (she's starting middle school in September). They have said that technically because I'm a key worker there is a place for her at school to attend part or full time (there are hardly any kids in).

I have been with my DP for 3 years although we do not live together. He came round last night and I filled him in on the above. He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me. He does have a child who is currently vulnerable (who lives with their mother who continues to see all her friends and family despite this). His child currently has Covid but luckily is ok.

So I'm now in a situation where either my DD falls massively behind at school and I struggle to work but DP will continue to see me, or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best (sorry this was quite long).

OP posts:
AnyTimeSoon · 26/01/2021 11:01

How as a mother do you even need to ask this question??
Your boyfriends opinion should never come before whats best for your child. And your job for that matter.
Shocking that you even had to ask this.

Mrgrinch · 26/01/2021 11:01

He sounds like an arse. It has absolutely nothing to do with him and frankly, I'd tell him to fuck off.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/01/2021 11:02

@Potplant32

I've just had a text from DP asking if I've made a decision about DD going back to school. I actually feel really nervous at having to reply to him as I know the reaction I'm going to get.
Don't be nervous, you're making the right decision for your child, if he makes you feel bad about that then he really isn't the right man for you
feellikeanun · 26/01/2021 11:02

So he is ok with his DD mixing with people but not your DD. Sounds like a control freak.

BIWI · 26/01/2021 11:03

It's concerning that you're frightened about a potential text message - what would you be feeling if you were face-to-face? This is really concerning and shows just how much of a hold he seems to have over you.

Of course your DD must come first. How could anyone suggest that she wouldn't? I'm very glad that your friends and family are supporting you, but it's also a concern that you felt that you had to go beyond their views to a bunch of randoms on the internet, just because of the fear you have of your 'D'P.

This man is not good for you. And he certainly isn't good for your DD.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/01/2021 11:03

@SparklingLime

Have you RTFT, *@AryaStarkWolf*? His behaviour certainly is a “massive issue”.
Yes I've read it, I mean this shouldn't be a massive issue, if he's making it one, then clearly he's not someone the OP should be with
Gazelda · 26/01/2021 11:04

@Potplant32

I've just had a text from DP asking if I've made a decision about DD going back to school. I actually feel really nervous at having to reply to him as I know the reaction I'm going to get.
"She's going into school from tomorrow. It's in her best interest and means I can concentrate on work rather than risk losing my job. It's a shame if you decide we can't visit each other for they knew being, but we both have to put our responsibilities to the DC. first. "

Don't be afraid. Don't respond to him trying to get you to change your mind. Don't respond if he gets angry. Just turn your phone off and get on with homeschooling/wfh

swinglowsweetchariot12 · 26/01/2021 11:08

Wow just wow

Bin him

Be happy with your daughter

wixked · 26/01/2021 11:08

This is what is best for your DD. Don't give in to his mantrum. Tell him you understand if he doesn't want to see you while she's in school.

tenlittlecygnets · 26/01/2021 11:09

Your child comes first!! Send her to school.

If his dc currently has Covid, they will have immunity to it afterwards. Clearly they caught it elsewhere, so not from your dc.

Your child's education has to come first.

WINKINGatyourage · 26/01/2021 11:09

She's going into school from tomorrow. It's in her best interest and means I can concentrate on work rather than risk losing my job. It's a shame if you decide we can't visit each other for they knew being, but we both have to put our responsibilities to the DC. first. "

Don’t send this, it’s justifying and pacifying. You don’t need to do either.

You need to dump him. You don’t even need to tell him if your DD is going to school or not. It isn’t his business as he is (or should be) no longer your boyfriend.

BarryTheKestrel · 26/01/2021 11:12

She needs to go to school. You know this. Both her schooling and your work are suffering trying to struggle on like this. Your DP should want the best for you and he clearly doesn't. If he wants to put his foot down on this, he has shown his true colours, walk away. He is showing that he wants you and your dd to struggle whilst he carries on as normal. Thats not love, that's not care, that's not kindness. That's purely selfish.

isthismylifenow · 26/01/2021 11:13

I think in this situation I would very much be questioning my relationship.

Of course you have to put yourself and your dd first.

Your dd is battling with school, you are battling to homeschool and work full time, and when you find a solution that works for you both, he isnt happy about it. He seems all a bit me, me, me OP.

HibernatingTill2030 · 26/01/2021 11:13

@WINKINGatyourage

She's going into school from tomorrow. It's in her best interest and means I can concentrate on work rather than risk losing my job. It's a shame if you decide we can't visit each other for they knew being, but we both have to put our responsibilities to the DC. first. "

Don’t send this, it’s justifying and pacifying. You don’t need to do either.

You need to dump him. You don’t even need to tell him if your DD is going to school or not. It isn’t his business as he is (or should be) no longer your boyfriend.

This. A direct "Yes, she is going" and then don't get into any discussion about it, no matter what or how much he replies. OP, the good thing is you don't sound as if you live together so fairly easy to cut your loses if that's what you decide to do. (I won't tell you what I think you should do re: him, that's up to you!)
SVRT19674 · 26/01/2021 11:14

Your little girl always foremost. I think this incident is a red flag and is asking for some reflection. The fact that you are afraid to tell him because of his reaction is the biggest red flag in this thread. Please reconsider this relationship, I don´t think it is good for you or your daughter.

MacDuffsMuff · 26/01/2021 11:15

Put him in the bin and send your child to school OP.

mindutopia · 26/01/2021 11:15

If his child and yours both have already had COVID, then what is his concern? It sounds like this is less about limiting exposure to COVID and more about making it difficult for you either to (a) keep your job, and/or (b) be out and about in the world and not being stuck at home. Is he someone who seems threatened by your career? Does he check up on you because he doesn't like you going places without him knowing what you're up to? To me, this sounds like attempts to rein you in that have nothing to do with being worried about your dd getting COVID (again).

BlokeHereInPeace · 26/01/2021 11:16

Daughter. School.

HugeAckmansWife · 26/01/2021 11:16

Completely agree and don't pacify and placate. Yes she's going in. If his response is 'what about us / me' or any kind of ultimatum I'd respond very shortly. 'do whatever you think best, as will I'.

saraclara · 26/01/2021 11:16

@Potplant32

I've just had a text from DP asking if I've made a decision about DD going back to school. I actually feel really nervous at having to reply to him as I know the reaction I'm going to get.
The fact that you're worried about how he'll react, is REALLY concerning. Do you really want to be with this man? Fear of his response led you to doubt your decision to put your child first. That's pretty disturbing.
isthismylifenow · 26/01/2021 11:18

Short and sharp reply, 'Yes dd will be going to school from tomorrow. This is the best decision for both of us'

Don't get into a drawn out conversation now you have made your decision.

ThelmaNotLouise · 26/01/2021 11:18

What kind of man emotionally blackmails his partner to demand she puts his needs above her own child's educational development? OP, this man doesn't deserve to be in yours and your daughter's life, let alone impact the rest of hers because he doesn't care if she falls behind with her schooling. Get rid, pronto.

Crazycatstory · 26/01/2021 11:19

The fact that he is happy to leave your daughter at a disadvantage, stressed and falling behind at school in an unrealistic, overzealous (and frankly pretty pointless if she already has covid) attempt to protect his own DD says a lot about him really op. I wonder if actually he’s terrified for himself rather than anyone else. Regardless, your DDs well-being has to be your priority.
Don’t take any shit from him when you text him. And don’t be apologetic!

saraclara · 26/01/2021 11:19

A direct "Yes, she is going" and then don't get into any discussion about it

Absolutely. And if her rants, the most you should say is "I'm putting my child first, just as you're putting yours first."

sickofit39 · 26/01/2021 11:20

Omg he's shocking 🥺
Send her to school. Bin him 😊

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