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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP won't see me due to DD

545 replies

Potplant32 · 26/01/2021 09:12

I'm not sure whether this is the correct thread so apologies if it's not. I was looking for some impartial advice as my friends / family agree with me so good to get an outsiders perspective.

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week).

DD's school have rung me and said they're concerned that DD is going to fall too far behind (she's starting middle school in September). They have said that technically because I'm a key worker there is a place for her at school to attend part or full time (there are hardly any kids in).

I have been with my DP for 3 years although we do not live together. He came round last night and I filled him in on the above. He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me. He does have a child who is currently vulnerable (who lives with their mother who continues to see all her friends and family despite this). His child currently has Covid but luckily is ok.

So I'm now in a situation where either my DD falls massively behind at school and I struggle to work but DP will continue to see me, or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best (sorry this was quite long).

OP posts:
Oldraver · 26/01/2021 14:21

@Potplant32

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.
Only test back would be

Lets make that permanant

Yohoheaveho · 26/01/2021 14:21

I hope you'll be kind to us and update Opie, we're all very invested now!

bewilderedhedgehog · 26/01/2021 14:22

I think this is absolutely the right thing to do. Sorry your DP has made it more stressful. He seems very self centred!

sickofit39 · 26/01/2021 14:24

The very cheek of him !!!! 😡
What's good for the goose is good for the gander 😊
Send your daughter to school ye will have a well needed rest from each other . She needs this . You need this .
Ye don't 'need' him . I'd have a long hard think if you want this man in your life going forward.He sounds like a spoiled brat and you genuinely sound too good for him . Raise your bar op

JustJustWhy · 26/01/2021 14:26

Why is this all about what HE says and waiting to hear what HE wants?

I'd text back "No, you certainly wont'".

PurpleMustang · 26/01/2021 14:28

Am so glad you have decided to send her to school. In the current situation her education and your job needs to come first.
He really wants her to stay at home and fall behind on her education to suit him. And also for you to risk losing your job in the process. So what, that you would then need him more as you would have financial problems? Out of the 3 of you, he should come last and you know that. You daughter needs to be at school and you need a roof over your heads.

Charles11 · 26/01/2021 14:29

This doesn’t look good for any possible future you could’ve had with him. He would always expect you to put him before your child.
If he can’t see what is best for your child then he shouldn’t be someone you should bring into her life.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 26/01/2021 14:29

Good choice, OP. You have very much done the right thing.

Never, ever kowtow to someone who uses emotional blackmail like this. Likewise, if a person uses the removal of their presence as some form of punishment, it may lead you to question whether that presence was quite so desirable as you thought it was in the first place.

Your decision is in your daughter's best interests. I'd think less of him for this stance.

sosotired1 · 26/01/2021 14:30

I think this situation might be very helpful in showing you that he isn't good for you or your DD. So glad you are sending her back... and that you have found out that you need to end the relationship before it has dragged on for years (and potentially damaged your daughter too).

The fact that you were doubting yourself in the first place can be a symptom of the slow drip drip of abuse (emotional or otherwise) that makes you lose confidence in your decision making etc. I have experienced this and don't wish it upon anyone.

Chocolate123 · 26/01/2021 14:30

He can't control who his ex sees but yet he wants to control what you do with your DD. Nobody should be controlling anyone. He's an idiot who'll crawl back when he's lonely or missing sex. Only reply from me would be silence.

WeAreShiningStars · 26/01/2021 14:30

I'd text him back and tell him to collect anything that he has at yours since you don't plan on seeing him again at all. Life is too short for such selfish, twattish behaviour.

Your DD has to come first.

Jsnn · 26/01/2021 14:38

Didnt read the whole thread but I don't think you need to leave him as some are suggesting (unless there is more info I haven't seen). You obviously have to put DD first but it isn't crazy that he wants to be put first. Just do whats best for your DD and let him know that's the end of the conversation, DD's wellbeing is not negotiable. He will either understand and change his tune or he won't. You don't need to leave him just because he had a moment of selfishness.

GabsAlot · 26/01/2021 14:43

cancel the cheque

shes sending her dd to school

saraclara · 26/01/2021 14:44

[quote Potplant32]@Bagamoyo1 I haven't yet pointed this out but I know what his reply will be - he can't control who his DC's Mum has over at their house and he has no choice but to see his child, whereas I'm actually choosing to send my DD in to school. [/quote]
Don't point anything out. Just say what another poster suggested:

"okay, think that's best"

It's straightforward, not defensive, nor is it a sulk. And it's true, it is best. Best for him, and frankly, best for you and your DD. Because if he did some round, you can bet he would be making you and her feel bad about your decision.

saraclara · 26/01/2021 14:45

COME round, not some round.

Graffitiqueen · 26/01/2021 14:47

he's a controlling knob. LTB.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 26/01/2021 14:48

So he is putting his child first, but expects you not to?
Ah no, highly unreasonable behaviour. Bet he is just jealous you can send your child to school and he cant.

LemonBreeland · 26/01/2021 14:49

I honestly wouldn't bother replying OP. What's the point. To me , it was a little worrying that you were nervous about telling him your decision. It's entirely his choice to do what he wants, but it seemed like he was putting pressure on you not to send your DD to school, which i s incredibly selfish of him.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 26/01/2021 14:50

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week)

So given that you are entitled to send your dd in, have you been homeschooling in order to meet his demands? Would you have sent her in earlier had he not wanted you to isolate?

It isn't just your Dd that has been suffering - you could be at risk of losing your job. Of COURSE you have to send her in.

His last relationship broke up due to his silent treatment - he will now do the same to you.

He is self-centred, manipulative, controlling and coercive.

Please now gather up your strength and self belief and focus full force on your Dd and yourself.

Whatever stunt he pulls next. (and he will. Ignore him / block him / do not rise to his manipulative crap - even if he has a short period of love bombing)

Socially and educationally your dd is better in school - celebrate her return and get back on track with your job. Be proud of yourself.

YouWontBelieveYourEyes · 26/01/2021 14:50

Actually I would just text back ‘Ok then’. You don’t need a long reply because you don’t need to justify your decisions to him.

LauEli · 26/01/2021 14:52

Send your child to school she is the most important in all this. She gets the education she needs. You can work more efficiently from home. And your partner can grow up and get over it or leave.

RantyAnty · 26/01/2021 14:53

The only reply he needs is
👍

saraclara · 26/01/2021 14:57

@LemonBreeland

I honestly wouldn't bother replying OP. What's the point. To me , it was a little worrying that you were nervous about telling him your decision. It's entirely his choice to do what he wants, but it seemed like he was putting pressure on you not to send your DD to school, which i s incredibly selfish of him.
Not replying would be construed as sulking. That really isn't what OP needs to be putting across.

A calm minimal number of words that indicate that she's entirely unbothered, is what's needed here. Like I said "Okay, think that's best" Or better still "okay, think that's best for both of us"
Nothing to argue with there, and she sounds in control.

Happyone8 · 26/01/2021 15:00

I don’t think this is about covid at all . His child has it anyway , the relative has had a vaccine . This is all about control . He wants to control what you do and make you prove he is more important than your dd. He probably did the same with his ex but can’t hold that power now they’re ex’s . He is now punishing you for your defiance . He will continue to control you further if you give in. I would dump this guy so fast !

celticmissey · 26/01/2021 15:01

He's an idiot ignore him. Send your DD into school to catch up. If you don't it could affect her future learning. It will affect him temporarily.He needs to grow up and stop being so damn selfish.

If he thought much if you he would appreciate your situation and see you need to prioritise your DD. Thank god you don't live with him eh?

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