DP won't see me due to DD

[Potplant32]

I'm not sure whether this is the correct thread so apologies if it's not. I was looking for some impartial advice as my friends / family agree with me so good to get an outsiders perspective.

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week).

DD's school have rung me and said they're concerned that DD is going to fall too far behind (she's starting middle school in September). They have said that technically because I'm a key worker there is a place for her at school to attend part or full time (there are hardly any kids in).

I have been with my DP for 3 years although we do not live together. He came round last night and I filled him in on the above. He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me. He does have a child who is currently vulnerable (who lives with their mother who continues to see all her friends and family despite this). His child currently has Covid but luckily is ok.

So I'm now in a situation where either my DD falls massively behind at school and I struggle to work but DP will continue to see me, or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best (sorry this was quite long).

Fantastic result, It sounds like you’ve achieved a triple crown here: DD back in school, you back on track with work and you’ve got rid of a controlling arsehole of a non ‘D’ P

I'm lost.

He doesn't want to see you because your DD is a risk to his child or himself?
If the child has covid at the moment, he is the risk to your family, not the other way around.

I hope you have replied to make the not seeing you a permanent thing.

OP is part of your DDs current state due to the negative effect your DP has on both of you? I think him staying away will give you the space you need to step away and reflect on your relationship which isn’t a healthy one as you had to question your instinct - not good but you still know yourself deep down - get out before he messes with your head to that level

Op - being single is great. Just saying...

"ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then" OK ta ta then.

No partner worth having would expect you to forfeit your DDs education or risk your job security for the privilege of spending time with him. what a giant bell end. ignore him, permanently. the trash has taken itself out.

The very fact that this man is making you feel like you’re UR for this, you had to ask anyone and were nervous of telling him your decision, is a big problem OP.

Do you have low self esteem? Are you easily manipulated? What would you think if your DD was the same age as you and was asking the same question?

I would rethink this relationship in the time you’re not seeing each other, read some self help books online, perhaps arrange some online counselling, and then tell the stupid knob that you don’t want to see him again.

I suspect he doesn’t like the idea of you being a free agent while your DD is at school.

You absolutely must put her first, who else can do that for her! As a child her needs must be prioritised, as an adult he should be capable of realising that. If he doesn’t there’s no chance he will acknowledge any needs you might have that cause him the slightest inconvenience.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable OP. Your dp is being a dick, this isn't about you or him, it's about what's best for your dd and that is getting her back into school. If your dp says anything different then he's acting (or is) a complete selfish dick head

the trash has taken itself out.

Love this. Going to use it in future.

@TheGoldenCircle

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.

What he really means is "Since I didn't get my own way, I will be withdrawing until you give in and come grovelling back".

You need to text him:

"Given your response, yes I think it best if we have some time apart".

DO NOT let him think he has the upper hand here. With any bully you ned to let them know that when they act like a twat there are consequences.

Yes, his actions and attitudes scream control freak to me.

I'd be making this a permanent split in OP's shoes. No man is worth sacrificing my DD's education and future for.

I don't understand who he's trying to protect, since everyone seems to have had Covid already. (I know immunity isn't a given but still).

As for your relationship, I think you've inadvertently spoken a truth here:

I haven't yet pointed this out but I know what his reply will be - he can't control who his DC's Mum has over at their house and he has no choice but to see his child, whereas I'm actually choosing to send my DD in to school.

He can't control his ex but he thinks he can, or should be able to control you.

It doesn't seem to have occurred to him that the one person he can and should control is himself. He could and should have made a choice between seeing his child and risking you and your DD's health by seeing you (and you a much needed key worker too!).

Unless he's vulnerable, the obvious answer would have been for him not to have seen you for quite a while already.

Well if you stay with this jerk now, you know what you're accepting.

A man who has a tantrum because you won't put his needs before those of your child.

The fact that his ex isn't following the rules IS relvent - he's already operating within a 'risk' atmosphere, so your DD going to school won't really change his level of risk. If he was really super worried, he WOULD be making noises to his ex about her either agreeing to folow the rules OR his dd comes to live with him while lockdown is on. He's done neither, he's accepted her decision to introduce risk. But not you, even though it's more controlled and for your DD's sake.

They split up because he was a stonewalling nasty git?!

Right ho. Why exactly do you want this twat in your life and that of your DD?

[quote Potplant32]@DioneTheDiabolist I believe him and his ex split up due to him giving her the silent treatment on a regular basis. [/quote]
Yes, well he's proved himself to be an absolute arsehole again now hasn't he. To you and your DD.

You've done the right thing sending her back to school. No man - not even a decent one (which this substandard specimen clearly isn't) - is worth prioritising over your child.

I think 'ok' is the only suitable and polite way of responding to his text.

If you haven't replied already OP, I'd suggest:

To be honest I don't want to see you again, because you seriously thought I should prioritise my child's education over you. That would never happen and I'm astonished that you thought it should.

@Lweji

I'm lost.

He doesn't want to see you because your DD is a risk to his child or himself?
If the child has covid at the moment, he is the risk to your family, not the other way around.

I hope you have replied to make the not seeing you a permanent thing.

It’s funny that the rest of us have found it straightforward to understand isn’t it?

please for your little girls well being mental health wise put her first ..send her to school. I have a young daughter and know how tough it can be on them they need all the support they can get ..your dp on the other hand is talking shit and is being selfish I know what i would be telling him!!!! I apologise if you sorted this just rushed after page one...it flew out on my keyboard! off back to page 2 now!

I agree. Just reply ok
Then don’t text again. No matter how hard it is. Don’t text.
Post on here, text a friend. Anything but text him. He’s going to want to punish you With silent treatment for going against him.

If the school are actually asking you to send her in, you must. She needs it.

It would be one thing if your DP said oh can we discuss this, I am a bit anxious about it because of x,y - and this was something you could work through together.

But just to get cross and issue ultimatums - if that is how it happened - when he knows he is making you choose between him and your DD, is wrong. A good partner will always respect your need to put a young child first.

His child has coronavirus, he shouldn't be seeing you anyway. He should be isolating.

Regardless, your DD and her schooling comes first. He is being totally unreasonable.

OP re read all thread you sound a fab loving mum and you made the right decision. Don;t reply to him take all the time you need.Just reply when you feel like it, you dont need more hassle from such a silly man with no sense,Take the time keep quiet and let him make a fool of himself ,,he will show his true colours soon then you will get a better idea of what you can tolerate and be clear in your own mind how you want to deal with him,

It's quite worrying that you can't see the obviously correct answer here.

Send your DD to school and end it with a bloke who, I'm pretty sure, is displaying signs of coercive control.

That you even need to ask is concerning. You and your daughter always come first. Her education, your job. Make that your mantra from now on. Say it 50 times a day til you believe it. I hope the door doesn't hit Mr Golden Cock on his way out.

It's one thing to feel uncomfortable with the risk and kindly saying he's going to step back due to his own worries but supporting you putting your DD first. I wouldn't think that unreasonable.

But this is absolutely controlling and wrong. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for putting your child first.

He's a controlling arsehole.

Bet he soon changes his tune and comes over when he wants sex.