DP won't see me due to DD

[Potplant32]

I'm not sure whether this is the correct thread so apologies if it's not. I was looking for some impartial advice as my friends / family agree with me so good to get an outsiders perspective.

I've been homeschooling my DD7 since Christmas whilst working full time from home. I'm technically a key worker but am able to sort of do my job ok from home. DD7 is massively struggling with her schoolwork to the point where she has no idea what is going on in her live lessons. Her classmates don't seem to be having the same problem. I'm also really falling behind in my own work as I'm constantly trying to help DD (my line manager pulled me up on this last week).

DD's school have rung me and said they're concerned that DD is going to fall too far behind (she's starting middle school in September). They have said that technically because I'm a key worker there is a place for her at school to attend part or full time (there are hardly any kids in).

I have been with my DP for 3 years although we do not live together. He came round last night and I filled him in on the above. He got really cross and said that if I let DD go to school then he will no longer be seeing me. He does have a child who is currently vulnerable (who lives with their mother who continues to see all her friends and family despite this). His child currently has Covid but luckily is ok.

So I'm now in a situation where either my DD falls massively behind at school and I struggle to work but DP will continue to see me, or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best (sorry this was quite long).

@XiCi

I can't believe you need to ask. Of course you should send her in. If she falls way behind her peers it could affect her for years to come.

Your DP sounds like a twat

Exactly this.

You need to remind yourself who's more important here.....your daughter or your partner.

He sounds like a tw*t tbh. Are you so desperate that you want to be with a man like that?

My sons father pulled all this manipulative sh*t on me too.....getting shirty cos I was 'putting that child' before him. Son was 4 months old! I dumped the pathetic loser and I've never once regretted it.

Trust me, you won't regret putting your child first.

Send your child to school. You man can sort his kid out, you need to sort yours out. She only has you to advocate for her so do the right thing. If he was good, he wouldn't be acting like such a prat.

If your DD is struggling so much at home that she is not learning anything, then you have no choice. She needs to go to school.

She is already disadvantaged and the gap between her and her peers will only get worse, the longer she stays at home.

Good on you for putting your daughter first and telling him she's going to school.

Just answer his text, "No problem. I understand."

Don't get into an argument with him. Just ignore any comeback and block him. He is a prize twat and you deserve better. A lot better.

I say this with kindness OP. You need to listen up good.

This man has just shown you his true colours. He doesn't care about your DD. He has just shown you that what he wants is more important to you, than your DD's future and both her and your feelings. I bet he's nice to her face and in front of you, to keep you happy. However, if he is like this now imagine what he would be like if you married him or lived together and every time he didn't like something your DD or you did?

I know it is hard right now in the middle of a pandemic but we are nearly at the end of it. You need to bin him off.

He's got some nerve. He's been hanging out with his DC and the loads of people they've had over. They've even had covid as a result. Then he's helping out his relative. Then he is in your house. His bubble is more like a bubble machine pumping them out. I don't care how much of this is out of control, his life is like a small domestic airport and he has the audacity to deprive your DD of her schooling and you have issues with your job as a result.

He is not a man worth having and you and your DD deserve better.

or I keep her off and we keep on as we are and he will continue to come over. I really don't know what's for the best
You genuinely couldn't see that it was wrong with him to expect you to throw your daughter under the bus.
But to everyone on the thread this is a no-brainer
This man has been gaslighting you for a long time🤬

God he sounds awful op. I'd be rethinking the relationship. Hope your dd perks up with school support and good luck with your work

I know what his reply will be - he can't control who his DC's Mum has over at their house and he has no choice but to see his child, whereas I'm actually choosing to send my DD in to school.

He can't control his Ex wife, but he believes he can control you and your daughter OP. How did his marriage breakdown?

You put your child first, absolutely. The fact that your child returning to school will also improve your ability to carry out your work is an added bonus.

Definitely send your Daughter to school.
His son has Covid anyway, so not sure why he is being unreasonable?

@Potplant32

Your Partner is a Arsehole !

@DioneTheDiabolist I believe him and his ex split up due to him giving her the silent treatment on a regular basis.

Why are you continuing with him?

He must be thick as pig shit to think his daughter is at risk from your daughter when they've both had covid anyway. I couldn't be doing with any of it.

I reckon Mr 'small domestic airport' had designs on you that you weren't aware of...
in order for his strategy to come to fruition he needs to keep you obedient and under control, he needs to make sure that you unquestioningly obey him when he orders you to put him before your own child.

I've actually just had a reply - 'ok well I won't be seeing you for a while then'.

What he really means is "Since I didn't get my own way, I will be withdrawing until you give in and come grovelling back".

You need to text him:

"Given your response, yes I think it best if we have some time apart".

DO NOT let him think he has the upper hand here. With any bully you ned to let them know that when they act like a twat there are consequences.

And he's not a "D"P.

....Or maybe don't text him, just leave him twisting in the wind and see what he does
( it will be instructive to draw him out a bit and observe his behaviour👀)

OP youve prioritised DD which is the right thing to do, day on day she would fall further behind. The effect of not seeing DP should not be as damaging as DD loosing out on school. If DP tries to make you put him above DD he’s not a keeper. He has his owns reasons for reducing contact to prevent spread and that’s fine - asking to come first is not as DD always will and as a parent he should expect that too

Glad to see you are putting your DD first. I cannot believe you even considered putting his wants above her needs for even a second though.

He sounds like a grade A twat who wants to control you. He seems quite happy to expose himself to Covid on 'his' side, but tries to make you feel bad for taking care of yours? Is that the kind of man you would want around your child? Is the way he treats you what you want your DD to see as normal?

His text has given you an out. Take it. Like pps say, you should make it permanent, if not for your sake, then for your DDs.

@Whatwouldscullydo

I think fair enough if he doesn’t want to come round because he is worried that he’s possibly putting his relatives at risk

Presumably op has to go shopping. He's clearly quite happy to put himself and his child at risk if he can get what he wants. If he was worried he'd not he visiting at all I mean he's quite happy to ditch his kid...

op you have done the right thing well done. I'm sure your dd will enjoy being back and you can work stress free

I don’t quite understand your point? He’s entitled to do what he feels best, as is she, but he’s not right trying to make her feel bad. From what you’ve said OP you’re increasing your Covid risks quite a bit more by seeing him. He and his child bring a lot more possible chances of infection to your doorstep. You’re better off without seeing him in that sense as well!

.... Depending on whether you have the chops for that kind of thing, no need to bite off more than you can chew, it's important to get your daughter back on track✔️

I believe him and his ex split up due to him giving her the silent treatment on a regular basis.

Oh, I haven't got my own way so I am going to ignore and punish you until you cave in to return to a quiet life. You do realise he thinks that after a few days you are going to come running and having done a U turn.

There is more to this thread than there appears. OP, I think you need to extract yourself from this man and work on improving your own self esteem so that you can be available for someone worthy of you and your DD.

No man is worth messing up your children for.

Jeezo Op, your daughter will never have another mother but you can always find another partner, a nicer one who’d understand the importance of your daughters education.

This is a no brainer - get your daughters return to school sorted out and make her the priority she is.

Glad to hear your update op. Think it's the best decision for you, and your daughter. Your partner sounds very controlling using emotional blackmail, e.g. ignoring you if he doesn't get own way.

OP, I think you really need to take the Freedom Programme. I'm glad you made the right decision but it was obvious to everyone except to you and, of course, the man with the golden cock