Online dating in your 40s - part 3!

[StarlightSparkle]

A new thread, so we can continue discussing the depressing reality of the above!

@pineappleonpizzaornot enjoy the break and come back when you are feeling better. At the very least, no one is really out and about so you're not missing out!

Thank you @Shayelle2009 - I know its not good, but in a selfish way Im pleased he is coming, its been so hard this last year with me moving all over the bloody place, not being settled, him at Uni and no support from the government at all for uni students, its the first time since last Jan, that I am happy and where I want to be and feel like I can be a proper Mum for him now he needs me......these things have a funny way of timing themselves!

So Computer Geek has just rescheduled to next weekend, kind of expected after Monday when he told me he might have to. I replied with I need to know if it's actually going to happen and I'm not wasting my time, to which he responded with I promise we will meet. Think it's time I gave up on this one. Oh well lockdown sucks and so does my dating life.

Yes give up on computer geek. He is very obviously still in a relationship and has no intention of you two meeting up. Ever. It's not complicated,it's not depression,it's not abducted by aliens. He is just NOT interested and it's all an ego boost. Move on for goodness sake!

@pineappleonpizzaornot I understand that and in a way you can be there for each other cant you.. it will be a nice distraction and lovely company for a bit!! Hope you enjoy every minute

@Isitreally777 hes playing you. There's no way he is single.

@Isitreally777 definitely not single...

What are you going to do?

Can I ask, how much flirting is normal and acceptable before meeting for most of you? I've started chatting to someone and there's been a bit of flirting with an undertone about sex. We're arranging a possible walk because I don't feel I can get to know people through messaging. How do you all keep safe when going for a walk? I'm probably over thinking it, but want to be careful.

This is a park too, I think there'll be people around, there are usually dog walkers there at all times. I hate thinking like this, but at the end of the day we don't really know these people do we?

I'm not uncomfortable with the chat, but I did say to him, I'm not here for smut, if that's all you want!

Zoome I've been for a few walking dates and have just made sure they were during the day and in area that I know and is busy with other people around. I always tell someone where I'm going, who with (send a friend a screenshot of their dating profile) along with their name and say I'll let them know when I'm back.

I think if you've been straight about the smut then they know where they stand!

Thanks Viva. Yes I'll do that. There's been no smut since, it wasn't really smut, just thought it might head in that direction.

I'm so sceptical though. Wondering if he's married ... can anyone suggest questions to ask that might give it away?

He's in my area every Friday and drives around for work. He said some time in the future if I liked he would take me with him to some of his offices...

Originally when I started talking to him he says he was after something casual, someone to go to events, holidays with, hence the thought he may be married. It's not really what I'm looking for, but in the absence of anything else at the moment it might be a bit of fun. I'm not sure if that's something I can do, I guess it depends how I feel when I meet him. I'm definitely not looking for marriage, just a relationship, someone I feel happy with.

What I don't get is (and this is probably me being naive) why would Mr Computer Geek go to all this effort to keep me interested just for an ego boost. Why would he make up such a detailed story(and it is, down to wanting to buy a house but his ex can't buy him out of the family home so he has to stay on and keep paying the mortgage)? Why did he get back in contact when he could have just left it in December when he went on his "break"? It seems such an effort for nothing other than an ego boost or to play me.

I don't know what to make of it all but what I can say is that he should be renamed Mr Unreliable right now and I might give dating a miss until lockdown has been eased a bit.

@Isitreally777 i think you have to ask yourself why hasn't he met you if he's gone to all this effort otherwise. I just think people get caught up weaving stories and believe their own hype/lies. The only way to see what someone is like is to meet them. There are more normal people out there who will meet you within days.

Because he probably does like chatting to you @Isitreally777 but meeting might be making it too ‘real’, he probably senses you're keen too and its obvious you want to meet up, he sounds like whether hes telling the truth or not his life's a mess, he is a flake, hes flaked on you more than once but you keep chatting to him and thats comforting to him.

Thanks @Eesha and @Shayelle2009 I know what you are both saying. I think I need to let go of this one sadly. I do enjoy chatting to him too, our conversations just seem to flow but it is obviously not going anywhere for some reason only known to him.

@Isitreally777 i know its a bit shit as you have clearly been upfront and honest with him but he has his own reasons for not meeting you. Maybe in a relationship or doesn't look how he says he does or anything really. People can be weird out there.

I think Isitreally if he really wanted to meet you he would have done by now. For me if someone is messing you around already then it doesn't bode well for the future.
I think the only way you are going to forget about him is to block him to avoid temptation. Hard but I don't think you are gaining anything from this other than false hope.
Find someone else to talk to that is genuinely interested in meeting.

Thank you @VivaVegas yes looking at it with a clear head I wouldn't put up with his flakiness in a relationship so why put up with it now.

@Angelofdeath my friends have said it sounds like he does like me but there is something stopping him. Like everyone has said maybe he isn't single, maybe he is telling me the truth and things are just complicated. It's a weird one and I doubt I'll ever find out.

@Isitreally777, have you ever spoken to Mr Computer Geek ? Had a video call or Facetime ? Do you know his name or have you found him on social media ? It seems you have invested a lot of time and given this iron a lot of headspace so I'm sure in your position I would want some answers or closure that wasn't just block and delete - although that is probably the quickest and most sensible route to take. And I sense you are loathe to do that because after all this time you would like to be proven right or wrong that he is either genuine or a total time waster. I would maybe call his bluff and suggest a video call. See what excuse he comes up with.
Or you could just flick the 'I'm done' switch and do what others have suggested and put your heart and soul into other online chats. It shouldn't feel this diffcult.

Mr computer geek doesn't like you because he doesn't know you! And you don't know him! It's all nonsense! Why are you so invested in someone you have never met? He is 100% married,it's all crap about the house stuff. Why is he doing it? Because he is bored? Thinks it's funny? Stuck at home with the wife with nowt better to do?
You are living in a fantasy which is stopping you from meeting someone real but I think you are well aware of this and of the comments it will invoke on this thread.

@Onesmallstep67 yes I think the thing is I want to know either way whether he is genuine. I also think I'm holding on because I feel like a fool if I've given someone so much of my time and so much support and understanding only to find out it was all a lie.

Think I might just suggest a call and as you say see whether he does it or not.

@Isitreally777 have you ever suggested a call?

I understand, I had this last year...3 months of intense messaging. I got so over invested. I did meet him, he was real. He then pulled back again, then we dated briefly.

I've no idea why he didn't want to do things properly as we got on so well.. that's what I couldn't fathom.

It's horrible to think you've been used as an ego boost...I got very confused.

There's no rhyme or reason why they do this though.