SIL and money issues

[ChopinandChampagne]

I recently lost my DH and I thought that it would be nice to give some money to my DGDs, both toddlers, to set aside for their future as a gift from him. Realistically, they will not remember him, but I thought that if they have some money to spend on travel or driving lessons or to help with their university costs or whatever, they would think of him and know how much he loved them, even though he didn't live to see them grow up.

I did some internet research and the suggestions were for a Junior Isa, which a parent would need to set up, and I would then pay into, and the child could access at 18. Alternatively, a savings account, which I would be able to set up as a grandparent, as long as I produce a copy of the birth certificate, which the child can access and take over at 16.

So far, so good and, I thought, relatively uncontroversial, so I suggested it to my DD and said that I wanted to give each of the DGDs £10k from DH and the options. I said that I wanted it to be a separate account and that suggested that she open a Junior Isa or that I should open a savings account. Her response was that she would have to discuss it with SIL and I said fine, thought no more it. Then, I sense that there is a bit of tension and DD says she wants to set up a telephone call with both her and SIL one evening, to discuss the matter after the DGDs are in bed. This was a text, so I reply saying fine, is now a good time, but DD said not, but we could schedule a couple of days later, but only if she has completed her coursework for her studies.

Then, a couple of days ago, I receive an email from SIL, from whom I never hear anything direct, advising me that if I really want to put money in an account, he will open one, but that he thinks that it is a bad idea, as inflation will erode the money. He thinks I should invest it in gold bullion or some other specific account (he says he has recently opened one for DD), and he provided links to various websites.

The tone of the email comes across, not as friendly advice, but telling me what to do. I have said that I will have a rethink, but I am worried about offending him if I don't follow his advice. I feel that he is trying to control how I invest the money. He refers to it as my wanting to invest for the DGD's future, which it is partly, but it is also about wanting the DGDs to remember or be reminded of DH. I don't really want to invest in bullion, as I think it's a bit volatile, and the idea of a bank account is that the DGDs would get the bank statements and maybe learn how to save.

Does anyone have any advice on how best to handle this diplomatically? There is quite a bit of history with SIL (Lobster Boy for those who remember my previous threads), but things are on a reasonably even keel at present and I currently have a good relationship with DD, which I don't want to upset. She says that there is no rush to decide how best to invest the money, it is important to get it right.

He’s going to need a heck of a lot of quails if he wants to become self sufficient in quails eggs

It’s good to have a pity party on here as it means you can offload it. I always worry about burdening my DD’s with my troubles and As yet I haven’t been brave enough to do it here. I think you’re absolutely right to keep a good head when speaking to dd1. I wonder how aware she really is of the bigger picture.

I like your new username by the way, 2 of my favourite things. I have so many adult students want to learn the 2nd nocturne.

More hugs, it is very very early days still.

Perhaps on days you haven't replied quickly or ignored calls when you are ready you can just send a message. "Sorry just too distressed/upset to speak to anyone"

DD1 needs to know very clearly that you are a grieving widow so you cannot be blamed for perfectly usual behaviour under the circumstances.

Do you have a group chat group with all 3 DDs? I wonder if updating them all on it very few days or similar would be a an idea - so it's not just a private conversation between you and DD1? So if she chooses to misconstrue it now or in the future her sisters are fully aware of the truth of what was said?

Of course you continue to have private conversations with each. You could also let the younger two that you are concerned that DD1 will misconstrue your lack of contact etc?

I just wish we could protect you this is the time in your life when you need to be cushioned and supported and yet you have LB waiting to pounce and manipulate and rob you all of as much money as he can.

It’s not a pity party. You are entering the extreme depths of pain after losing your life partner - that’s more than enough to have to experience - but on top of that you have the added stress of walking on eggshells around DD1 and LB because he holds the threat of whipping her away from you again. But you know how to manage him because
you have done expertly for the past 18 months. You have the power and insight now but you don’t have the energy for this and it should not be your focus. You and your grief need all of your headspace and emotional energy to just get through each take. So maybe withdraw a bit more.

Does DD1 now have ongoing direct contact with her sisters? If so they both might need some guidance as to what you are all dealing with so that they don’t get drawn in to any traps and hurt.

I am so sorry for your pain and the path you need to tread now. Keep reaching out for support.

billy - I am glad you like my new username! I remember you used to send me some lovely music on my last thread, which really kept me going. I hope that your troubles are not too overwhelming at present and that you are also finding solace in music.

Random - there is some contact between DD1 and DD2, but very sporadic, mainly because DD2 doesn't always feel able to reply because she is also struggling with grief and finds the communications banal. She prefers to have some contact, doesn't mind signing a birthday card etc - which is progress - but doesn't want to invest too much in the relationship. There is hardly any contact between DD1 and DD3 - there is a bigger age gap and DD1 hasn't been there for DD3 when she could have been. She missed her 18th and 21st birthdays - I don't think she even sent a card. DD3 now has very low expectations and doesn't want to be bothered really.

However, DD1 continues to message me every day and constantly asks how I am, and seems sincere. Maybe she subscribes to the theory that to lose two parents looks like carelessness . Today is the anniversary of the diagnosis and of course there are lots of adverts for Valentine's Day. DD1 sent a message saying how quickly time goes by, how much she misses her father, how sad it is etc. I assume that she means it but I still have no idea why she would cut us off, not even after any argument, conceal her marriage and DGD1 for over a year, and move without giving us her address. I don't suppose I will ever really know or understand. She also says that Valentine's Day is just one day and that they don't celebrate it - why doesn't that surprise me?

Sssloou - thank you for your post. I think I have LB's measure, hopefully. I don't say anything bad about him, passion my regards, but don't need to engage with him most of the time.

Sorry at the delay in responding, but yesterday was three months since the death and today is exactly one year since the diagnosis, so feeling a bit fragile.

Big hugs I am not surprised you are feeling so fragile. It really is no time at all. Big hugs

There is some contact between DD1 and DD2, but very sporadic, mainly because DD2 doesn't always feel able to reply because she is also struggling with grief and finds the communications banal

That doesn’t surprise me, what dd2 actually needs dd1 will not be able to do as it requires looking inside herself and being truly honest, which while lb is on the scene is impossible, it’s probably the same for you too. Trying to forgive what she did while she is refusing to (or unable to) acknowledge it and just move on with this massive elephant in the room every time must be so difficult. Sending hugs

My parents arranged premium bond accounts for the grandchildren. They are administered by one of the parents, but are in the DGCs names. Could you do that instead and have your DD as the registered parent? The only issue with that idea is that the parents can withdraw the money, unlike an ISA, and as I sense some issues with financial control from your son in law, it may not be the best plan.
Alternatively keep the money in savings in your name to be given directly to the grandchildren when they are old enough (make sure you put it in your will), arrange a trust fund which you control (don't know if that's possible).
Your DD needs to keep her husband out of it if he is financially controlling, because really it is not his business. He sounds like he thinks it will be his money until the children are 18.

@ChopinandChampagne I recall your previous threads, I think I posted under another username. My sincere condolences for your loss

She also says that Valentine's Day is just one day and that they don't celebrate it - why doesn't that surprise me?

They probably don't celebrate it because that would mean LB doing something nice that involves spending money. Sounds cynical, but I left my ex after 30 year due to his abuse, and among the many little things that upset me, he didn't like spending any money on me.

So I got used to most birthdays, Xmas, Mother's Days, etc, where I got nothing or some really cheap tat, and never a card. And he hardly ever assisted the DC in getting me a gift, a card, or anything. Which upset them.

It wasn't about the value of money that upset me, it was about the realisation he didn't value me or anything I did. The only thing he did value was the money I brought in from working.

DD1 may eventually realise what LB is really all about, but it could take a long, long time, sadly.

I must admit, the idea of a hitman crossed my mind as well.

Very rude. What a Cheek! Jumped up arsehole.

Thanks billy. I think your analysis is totally right, as usual, and that the elephant will be with us for a while.

wolves - I am planning to take financial advice, as you are right about SIL. You know, he has never even expressed his condolences. He never communicates unless it is something related to money - in this last email, he didn't even ask how I was, just pointed out what I should and shouldn't do with my money and said I could call him to discuss it, as though he were doing me a favour.

Dragon - I am so sorry to hear of your past relationship but pleased that you escaped eventually. I don't know how DD1 can be with someone so mean, to be honest, but she seems happy; I really hope that she is. At least she is enjoying her teaching and she said that there had also been contact with another former schoolfriend recently, who used to be one of her closest friends, so that is encouraging.

pumpkin - I don't expect it's allowed to advertise 'hitman' services on MN, but I expect that they would do a roaring trade!

there had also been contact with another former schoolfriend recently, who used to be one of her closest friends, so that is encouraging

That’s huge, as I remember this being one of the early big issues on the last thread.

Hi OP. Hope you are doing as well as possible under the circumstances. Has LB started circling around yet?

This one made me smile this morning, thought I’d share it with you 💐

ChopinandChampagne
Your sil never sent you condolences on the death of your dear husband.
Did his parents ?

I'm really sorry for your loss OP and I'm more sorry that you aren't getting the support you need from you DD right now.

GPS set up a trust for our children with us as administrators. Have you thought about doing this but with maybe your other DDs as administrators?

Be kind to yourself even if it means ruffling some feathers with your DD and LB, realise that there are some things you can't control so just concentrate on getting through each day and controlling what you can.

Tell them that YOU will decide what to do with YOUR money and are consulting someone QUALIFIED to give you advice.

Ignore LB's emails entirely, you don't have to engage at all with him. If it were me I'd have to tell him that the fact that he didn't even offer his condolences on the death of your DH but is quick to get involved with the financial issues has left a bad taste in your mouth and it will something you will never be able to forgive.

Hi @ChopinandChampagne just wanted to check how you were? Hopefully you've been able to spend some calm healing time with your youngest two, and are able to ignore any of LB's insane demands while still getting contact with dgc and dd1

I have been lurking and just kept up. You could put the amounts in a Testamentary Trust to be managed by lawyers (chosen by you) and the funds released to each GD at an age you specify. *like 30 - to be firmly out of their father’s influence.

Thank you 'luggage' and 'Just' for your posts. I am sorry not to have posted for a while, but I thought everybody must be LB'd out by now! I am so touched that people still remember and think of me.

Regarding the investment for the DGDs, I think that I actually handled it quite well in the end. I called LB on his mobile, but of course he didn't answer, then DD1 called me to say that had I been calling him/she had heard his phone ring etc. I said that yes, I had been calling LB to thank him for researching the matter and that I really appreciated the time which he had put into it.

DD then put me on to him and I also said this to him, and that he was quite right that it was a poor investment to just put the money in the bank, that I had thought carefully about putting the money into gold, but thought it was a bit volatile. I said I had decided to buy two casks of Islay malt (which I have since done) as whisky had proved to be a good long term investment, and that BIL had advised and had experience of this. LB was actually fine and said that gold had gone down a bit recently. Perhaps he just likes to be appreciated and feel that his advice matters. I told him that I didn't want him to think that I was ignoring his advice after he had put so much time into researching things.

Since then, DD1 continues with the messages and photos etc which is positive, but it is still 'you can look but you can't touch'. I can admire from a distance, but there is no encouragement for closer contact in person. Obviously this hasn't been possible during lockdown anyway, but I said various times that I would visit after lockdown and had thought of visiting on DGD1's birthday, if that was ok. DD1 was a bit non-committal, certainly not a case of 'we would love to see you, please come'.

Anyway, it will be my first wedding anniversary without DH in three months, which is two days before DGD1's birthday, so I had sort of planned to spend the actual weekend of the anniversary in a special retreat not too far from where they live, and then visit on DGD1's birthday, not to take over the day, but just to wish her Happy Birthday and maybe have some tea and cake. I would be travelling over 300 miles to do this, and DD1 knows that the reason for the trip is primarily to visit the family.

I told DD1 I was thinking of doing this in one of our WhatsApp conversations, which then went unusually quiet for several days. I had added, as an afterthought, that if they just wanted to spend the time with the family or LB's parents, then I would call round the next day. I was being polite as I did not want to impose, but I was sort of hoping they would say that I would be welcome. After a few days, I received a reply saying that they preferred to spend DGD1's birthday 'as a family', as that is what they usually do, but that it would be 'fine' if I came the next day. This decision means that I will be alone for an additional day, a long way from home, at a time when I will be in deep grief for DH, when it would have meant so much to be welcomed and to see the DGDs, who are what DD1 has herself previously described as DH's legacy.

I was so, so deeply hurt, and it really set me back a bit. This was a couple of weeks ago and I have just about got back to where I was, and my therapist has been very helpful. I mentioned it briefly to DD2 when she asked why I was so down, but I am determined not to lean on her as I have done this too much in the past. She just said to be realistic and thinks maybe I shouldn't visit so near to the anniversary, in any event, as I will be very vulnerable. My therapist also thinks that I shouldn't expect too much, and that I probably need to accept that LB is in control of the situation, but maybe I should go now the date has been confirmed, so that at least I get to see DD1 and the DGDs - also, that I may eventually be needed by DD1 and so should try to keep the peace and offload to her rather than getting emotional and upset and playing into LB's hands.

I haven't responded to DD1 on this point yet, so we have gone back to weather and gardening and recipes. In the meantime, my goddaughter is expecting a baby girl in six weeks and her mother, my friend, has invited me to stay for several days when the baby is born. She is so excited at becoming a granny and I am really happy for her, although it does sort of highlight what might have been but never was. Just simple joy at the birth of a new baby, not all the anxiety and tension and uncertainty. But, as the saying goes, 'it is what it is'. It seems that I have to take the crumbs from the table or starve.

Oh gosh Chopin, I really feel for you. I too followed your threads last year with interest, as we were going through an estrangement with my DSD. Sadly, she has now decided to have nothing more to do with us, which is hard as my DH and I never fell out with her and still hope that she will resume contact one day.
I am so sorry too, to learn about your beloved DH. I found your updates were written with compassion and really hoped that things would work out better for you.
I can totally understand why you wanted to stay at the nearby retreat and maybe “test the water” with Dd1/LB to see if things had changed but it seems he is still keeping you in check.
Maybe it would have been better to discuss plans with her before deciding you would go there at all? But at least you will get to spend sometime with the DGDs. I would take any positives, however small, if I were in your shoes. Take care x

I'm sorry that it still seems DD1 is being distant. It is perhaps not the best time to be relying on her when you will understandably be upset. Perhaps you could ask when would be a better date for them. You are allowed to say that the next day wouldn't be best for you due to the timing. You have done so well to get through this all with dignity

Please don't think we're sick of reading about you all. I hope you feel you're making progress with your grief even though you're coming up to a significant date.
Maybe play it by ear as to whether you can visit dd1, perhaps there could be an emergency that takes you home.

Gosh they’re pieces of work, those two.... the “being better than” everyone else really grinds my gears.

I am so sorry for your loss op. You have been nothing but wonderful to your dd and I'm sorry to say it, but I think she and LB are made for each other.

Put your efforts elsewhere. They both sound so entitled and self-absorbed. You are recently bereaved but your daughter is only able to think about her needs. She isn't thinking about you and I would urge you to do the same to her.

I feel so angry for you and admire you for the patience and love you have shown your dd despite her appalling treatment of you.

Just sending hugs op. You've been through a lot and deserve so much more. You sound wonderful

Thank you everyone, for your amazing support. Xx