Thank you so much, each and every one of you, for your posts. I know how long it takes to think about a post and then type it, so I am incredibly touched that so many people are prepared to go to so much trouble and to take time out of a busy day to support me. I can't tell you how grateful I am. You are like my secret army and, with you on my side, I cannot lose. You give me perspective when I am losing it, support when I need it, and you pull me out of the deep, dark pit, when I have tumbled into it.
The thing about falling into a low, is that it is usually followed by a high, and I felt so much better and stronger yesterday, and again today. I think it is the first time that I have had two consecutive 'good' days. I would generally have described myself as a strong person, but it is hard to describe how the loss of DH has affected me and floored me, simply knocked the stuffing out of me. I feel that I have been shattered into a thousand pieces, which need to be glued back, one by one. But, with your help and that of my family and therapist, I am slowly doing so. It is just a long and tortuous and painful process, and it has made me vulnerable.
I have, as Neil and others have pointed out, not only been grieving over the loss of DH, but this has been accentuated by the situation with DD1. Our grief united us for a while and at least the family came together in DH's final days, which gave him peace before he died. However, now the situation has inevitably reverted to substantially how it was, although at least there are civilities such as the exchange of birthday cards etc and DD2 and DD3 are sufficiently concerned to ask how DD1 is from time to time. The heat has gone out of the situation, at least in so far as they are concerned. They have their lives, but DD1 and their nieces are not part of it, sad but true. DD1 was offended when they did not become very excited by the prospect of DGC3, calling them 'incredibly selfish', so I suspect that she too had believed that the family would be reunited, and is upset that it has not worked out in that way.
I have consulted a specialist solicitor regarding the will and the administration of the estate etc, and explained my concerns about LB. She has provided me with excellent advice, which has made me feel much more positive. I have come to realise what I think I already knew, that I was potentially becoming the victim of an abusive relationship. This has never happened to me before, because I have never let it happen. There is often talk of 'red flags' on MN and I would run a mile if I even saw one, so it never got that far. Anyway, I have only ever loved DH. It seems to me, however, that abuse is insidious and develops over a period of time, with the victim's thinking and freedom gradually being eroded, so they don't even notice it until a long way down the line.
'Ghosting' someone is cowardly and abusive, as I recently said to DD1, which I expect she passed on to LB, but I don't regret saying it. I am not saying that it is wrong to sever contact with someone who has caused you pain and where a relationship has broken down to the extent that it is irreparable. I know that many people do sever contact to protect themselves, but that is not the situation here. The 'ghosting' has been used as a sword and not a shield. I feel angry that DH and I were subjected to this, but DH had 'come to terms' with it and forgiven DD1, so I must too, at least in so far as he is concerned. I have been angry and 'said my piece', so there is no point in being angry any more. The past cannot be changed.
A couple of you have said why on earth did I ring LB and I suppose I thought that I might be able to have a discussion with him, in a reasonable way, to try to reach an accommodation. Then I realised that is what DD1 does, she cajoles him and gives him the power. How had I sunk so low as to fall into that trap? And if I can be intimidated so much from afar - and I do feel intimidated - then how must it be to be living with him 24/7?
Anyway, back to the solicitor. She has advised me how I can set up a discretionary will trust, to protect my assets on death, so monies only go to named beneficiaries and can be for specific purposes, in accordance with my Letter of Wishes. She also advises that I should have a lasting Power of Attorney in place, in case I ever lack capacity to make decisions. She is also giving me excellent tax advice on some very complicated issues.
I think that I have already said that I have been so worried about how DD2 and DD3 would cope with sorting things out if I died. I am really struggling, so it would be overwhelming for them. Now I have decided that the best thing to do is to instruct the solicitors to act in the administration of the estate and they will know where everything is, policies, pensions, assets etc, the tax implications, and they can act as trustees (with DD2 and DD3). So I will have peace of mind in knowing that things would be relatively straightforward for them at a time they would be in deep grief. When DH was alive we weren't very organised at all about these things and our paper work was chaotic. Even I didn't know exactly what policies we had in place. We were intending to sort it out, so as not to leave the girls with a headache, but there didn't seem to be any urgency. Now the reality has been brought home as to how quickly things can change, Death stalks us and Fate can be unkind.
Anyway, I am not wishing to be unduly maudlin. My priorities are that my affairs are in order, so far as possible, and that my DDs and DGCs will be potential beneficiaries under the will trust. There will be a list of items to go unconditionally to named beneficiaries upon my death, such as jewellery, furniture, paintings etc, things of sentimental value which will be appreciated. And the two casks of whisky will be left to the DGDs.
However, and here is the rub, and some of you may think that I am wrong to do this. I will be inserting into my Letter of Wishes, which my trustees are obliged to take account of, that any beneficiary who has not seen me in person in the six month period before my death, will not be entitled to benefit under the terms of my will. This will be stated to be on the basis that inheritance is a privilege, not a right, and is only available for those whom I not only love, but who also love and respect me. The trustees would have a discretion to waive this in exceptional circumstances, such as a pandemic, but no beneficiary should automatically benefit if they are estranged from me.
All DDs will be provided with copes of the will and Letter of Wishes. DH always said that we should give them copies of our wills. I would rather be open about matters whilst everyone is still around and, of course, situations may evolve and change. I think that it would be cruel to leave a will in which someone is excluded and not tell them. I want DD1 and her DC to participate fully in any inheritance, but that 's really up to her.
I realise that this might sound controlling and I suppose that it is, but it gives LB an incentive to facilitate the relationship between me and DD1 and the DGC, rather than obstruct it. I have to accept that the relationship has become transactional and, that being so, I need to act accordingly. And once I have this in place, I can sleep more easily.
Speaking of sleep, I awoke during the night, as I often do, and that's when I have my clearest thoughts. I decided that this is what I am going to do, but I wondered how DH would feel about the six month clause, but though that he would probably agree. Then I went back to sleep and had a very vivid dream in which DH appeared, but I knew that he was dead and was a ghost and he came to me. He smiled at me and we kissed tenderly and spent precious time together. It is the first time that I have had a dream like that since he died although, as I have said, I have had other signs from him. I woke up happy and at peace, as I knew that he had given his blessing.
Now I just have to be extra careful in crossing roads for the next couple of weeks 