SIL and money issues

[ChopinandChampagne]

I recently lost my DH and I thought that it would be nice to give some money to my DGDs, both toddlers, to set aside for their future as a gift from him. Realistically, they will not remember him, but I thought that if they have some money to spend on travel or driving lessons or to help with their university costs or whatever, they would think of him and know how much he loved them, even though he didn't live to see them grow up.

I did some internet research and the suggestions were for a Junior Isa, which a parent would need to set up, and I would then pay into, and the child could access at 18. Alternatively, a savings account, which I would be able to set up as a grandparent, as long as I produce a copy of the birth certificate, which the child can access and take over at 16.

So far, so good and, I thought, relatively uncontroversial, so I suggested it to my DD and said that I wanted to give each of the DGDs £10k from DH and the options. I said that I wanted it to be a separate account and that suggested that she open a Junior Isa or that I should open a savings account. Her response was that she would have to discuss it with SIL and I said fine, thought no more it. Then, I sense that there is a bit of tension and DD says she wants to set up a telephone call with both her and SIL one evening, to discuss the matter after the DGDs are in bed. This was a text, so I reply saying fine, is now a good time, but DD said not, but we could schedule a couple of days later, but only if she has completed her coursework for her studies.

Then, a couple of days ago, I receive an email from SIL, from whom I never hear anything direct, advising me that if I really want to put money in an account, he will open one, but that he thinks that it is a bad idea, as inflation will erode the money. He thinks I should invest it in gold bullion or some other specific account (he says he has recently opened one for DD), and he provided links to various websites.

The tone of the email comes across, not as friendly advice, but telling me what to do. I have said that I will have a rethink, but I am worried about offending him if I don't follow his advice. I feel that he is trying to control how I invest the money. He refers to it as my wanting to invest for the DGD's future, which it is partly, but it is also about wanting the DGDs to remember or be reminded of DH. I don't really want to invest in bullion, as I think it's a bit volatile, and the idea of a bank account is that the DGDs would get the bank statements and maybe learn how to save.

Does anyone have any advice on how best to handle this diplomatically? There is quite a bit of history with SIL (Lobster Boy for those who remember my previous threads), but things are on a reasonably even keel at present and I currently have a good relationship with DD, which I don't want to upset. She says that there is no rush to decide how best to invest the money, it is important to get it right.

There is absolutely no good way to answer that one, really.

It seems either utterly ridiculously oblivious of every sign that's in every single supermarket and shop, in which case you're creating a minor drama by reminding her and she may even blame you for not reminding her sooner.....or she knows full well and it's just being goady in which case you daren't rise to it in case she makes you feel silly and small for caring about FD at all.

You could say "just thinking about Dad a lot this weekend" as there is nothing to object to in that. And it's true.

Say, "well, obviously because it's Father's day. But to be truthful every day is a difficult day at the moment." And then have broadband issues for a day or two.

Id just text back and say every day is difficult but I find the 'firsts' the hardest.

And if she does realise and start saying again that they don't celebrate FD, I'd just reply something along the lines that DH always enjoyed the efforts they all made on FD and so you are still marking the day in his honour (or something similar but truthful) and leave it at that.

Are you not very concerned about this being picked up by your daughter or another family member? The detail you provide is… extensive

And I’d the listing down for a start!

Once the inheritance is paid (no one can hurry probate it could take another month or more!) you could suggest she has the money for her own phone!

Chopin I hope you , DD2 and DD3 find comfort in each others company tomorrow and share many good memories of your wonderful DH .
💐💐💐

Thank you! Sssloou, Neil, and OrangeBlossom, I stole your ideas and just said all days very difficult, love and miss him so much, no mention of FD though. I also said I hope you got your 'phone fixed and are having a lovely, relaxing weekend.

Sometimes, I totally get your point and it is so kind of you to 'watch out' for me. During the first few threads, I was really paranoid about DD1 finding them directly or indirectly, to the extent that I requested that they be deleted. I have had a post deleted on this thread and was thinking I should probably have a few more deleted, as being too detailed/outing. I don't know if I could alter the title or move the thread somewhere else.

I suppose I have got to the stage of feeling that I am among friends and maybe oversharing, or just so grateful for the support. Or maybe there is a small unconscious feeling that if she did read the thread, she might realise how much she hurt DH and the rest of the family, not to make her feel bad, but just to try to make her understand, but in a loving way and wanting to go forward and rebuilding trust.

I have just received the following

'Oh yes of course. I've just realise what tomorrow is. I've been thinking of it all week whenever I look at the calendar.

It's going to take time Mum. I miss him too. I don't know what to say really. There is nothing that can be said. It just takes time to live without him.

What will you do tomorrow?' xx

Followed by a second message 'I don't suppose I was included in the 'difficult day for all of us'.

I’m all honesty if DD1 did find them I don’t think you’ve said anything hurtful about her, you’ve been honest and truthful about LB, and yes some of the truths might be hard to hear/read and she might lash out if she did read them - honestly out of embarrassment I would assume - but equally she sounds as if (inheritance grasping issues aside) she is coming out of the fog a tad with regards to LB and upcoming DC3? I hope so in any case and I really really hope she doesn’t go along with the move to Ireland.

Once again she's turning it around on you. She's spinning a narrative of you not including her, yet this is a natural consequence of all her actions over the past years.

I can't decide if she's lashing out from guilt, or if LB has planted that seed and her response.

I'd reply to the first text tomorrow and ignore the second one completely.

It sounds utterly exhausting. 💐 As hard as it may be, perhaps going even more low contact may be better?
At the moment DD1 is not a nice person - hopefully this may change in the future but for now she only adds pain, anxiety and distress to your life.
Could you give yourself permission to step even further back?

Oh my, she manages to turn it back to her again 🤦🏼‍♀️

I agree with PP to ignore that second bit, it's likely bait for opening up that same wound that she has never worked to try and heal....

Yes she lost her Dad, but she extracted herself from the family life purposefully and intentionally causing pain years ago, she does not get to put herself in the same loss and grieving process as you, DD2 & 3...

And she contradicts herself, she knew Father's Day was coming up all week yet then forgets? Again bait for you to say it was Father's Day tomorrow and her likely explain how they don't celebrate etc feeling 'better' than those who do, but you didn't hand that to her, well done 😊❤️

I thought you'd already told her you were having a BBQ tomorrow? Maybe just a very brief reply along the lines of 'I'm just planning to have a quiet day really - bit of a BBQ and thinking about the good times. I hope the phone troubles get sorted, it sounds very frustrating xxx'

Incidentally, my DS1 bought this recently; I saw the label and Buddha form and immediately thought of this thread I wouldnt be surprised if your SIL fancied himself as the head of his own personal religion...

🌺 for you x

She either “just realised” or “was thinking about it whole week” but she couldn’t do both.

Unless I read it wrong

OP, the amount of attempts to hurt you is just shocking.
“Why is it going to be a difficult day”.

@ChopinandChampagne please switch off your phone for a week and spend some time with DD2 and DD3.

Your eldest daughter is unbelievable.

I wouldn’t even respond to the last message.

Oh @ChopinandChampagne, all this emotional blackmail and turbulence would try the patience of a Saint. I am so sorry it is coming when you are still emotionally raw.

I still think you need to protect your heart. Cut down the communication. Have tech issues of your own. Use the excellent response @RandomMess mentioned a few pages ago, something like:

“I don’t really know, only you and LB know what you can afford and what lifestyle you want for your family. I am struggling too much at the moment really to think about it.”

And just keep repeating that. DD1 will try and wear you down - it’s what she had done int he last few text exchanges, and got you to pick up the phone or comment when you didn’t want too! - but stand firm in your boundary about this. Doing so is looking after your mental health, and keeping the space neutral on this issue between you and DD1. She can’t say “you encouraged us to buy, and now we don’t have the $” as you didn’t encourage. You just reflected back at her.

Much love to DD2. I am very glad she has you to be with her during this time.

Once again, please look after yourself.

Oh - and, as others have said, start preparing now for the request for money. Perhaps a ‘getaway line’ to use if she asks by telephone:

DD1: “So Mum for all these reasons, including you wanting somewhere nice for your DGDs to live and the fact you owe me because you once had the temerity to kick LB out of your own house when I was distressed, and to be so outrageous as to insist on financial conditions when I wanted you to give me a lot of money for free, I want you to give me more money for free.”

You: “oh dear, someone is banging loudly at the door, sorry DD1, I must see what that is about, talk again soon”

Then you have time to have a return phone call or text on your terms, and to say no money will be forthcoming or that it is all tied up now and it’s not something you can think about, or similar.

Those messages can be answered quite easily and truthfully without setting yourself up for any come back, the second, ‘of course you are we all miss him so much’ then just ignore the underlying you don’t include me vibes. But the fact that she sent that last message, does it maybe mean that she does feel isolated from you all, and actually doesn’t like it? Yes It was absolutely her doing, but I do think she is starting to process things.

Do you think she would take on her own phone contract, it strikes me as the sort of thing they would consider a waste of money. But no adult should still have mummy paying for her phone.

Thank you everyone and I love that label Immune!

Thanks to all of my wonderful therapists on here, I think that I am also managing to process things better and finally managing to let go of my hurt and anger, which is a destructive and negative emotion, at least in this context. Apart from being generally damaging, it is also destructive of my own peace of mind.

Ultimately, love and forgiveness are the only way to break a negative cycle and stop it spreading to the next generation. I read genuine concern in DD1's message, followed by a touch of paranoia. I think that Billy is absolutely right in saying that she feels isolated from the family in her grief, and that DH's loss has heightened those feelings. I am sure that she feels guilt but has also been in denial.

Anyway, I responded that of course she was included, that she was DH's much loved daughter as she is mine, and that I knew she grieved for him, as we all do. I also suggested a FaceTime call today so we could all remember DH in a positive way and recall happy memories, as he wouldn't want us to be sad. I ended with 'Sending big hugs to you, my darling'.

I am not going to give her any money though!

That sounds like a good and strategic reply Chopin

I am not going to give her any money though!

I think you should print this out and frame it

Although really it should say "I'm not going to give DD1 and LB any money" as they are a solid unit in this.

Wishing you a peaceful day OP. 💐

Much love today, OP.

I read your thread at the start of the year, and gave just give back and read from the start. I am so, so sorry that you are having to walk on eggshells at a time when your daughters should all be supporting you together. You sound like such a wonderful, kind, sensitive and generous person, a far, far better woman than I.