SIL and money issues

[ChopinandChampagne]

I recently lost my DH and I thought that it would be nice to give some money to my DGDs, both toddlers, to set aside for their future as a gift from him. Realistically, they will not remember him, but I thought that if they have some money to spend on travel or driving lessons or to help with their university costs or whatever, they would think of him and know how much he loved them, even though he didn't live to see them grow up.

I did some internet research and the suggestions were for a Junior Isa, which a parent would need to set up, and I would then pay into, and the child could access at 18. Alternatively, a savings account, which I would be able to set up as a grandparent, as long as I produce a copy of the birth certificate, which the child can access and take over at 16.

So far, so good and, I thought, relatively uncontroversial, so I suggested it to my DD and said that I wanted to give each of the DGDs £10k from DH and the options. I said that I wanted it to be a separate account and that suggested that she open a Junior Isa or that I should open a savings account. Her response was that she would have to discuss it with SIL and I said fine, thought no more it. Then, I sense that there is a bit of tension and DD says she wants to set up a telephone call with both her and SIL one evening, to discuss the matter after the DGDs are in bed. This was a text, so I reply saying fine, is now a good time, but DD said not, but we could schedule a couple of days later, but only if she has completed her coursework for her studies.

Then, a couple of days ago, I receive an email from SIL, from whom I never hear anything direct, advising me that if I really want to put money in an account, he will open one, but that he thinks that it is a bad idea, as inflation will erode the money. He thinks I should invest it in gold bullion or some other specific account (he says he has recently opened one for DD), and he provided links to various websites.

The tone of the email comes across, not as friendly advice, but telling me what to do. I have said that I will have a rethink, but I am worried about offending him if I don't follow his advice. I feel that he is trying to control how I invest the money. He refers to it as my wanting to invest for the DGD's future, which it is partly, but it is also about wanting the DGDs to remember or be reminded of DH. I don't really want to invest in bullion, as I think it's a bit volatile, and the idea of a bank account is that the DGDs would get the bank statements and maybe learn how to save.

Does anyone have any advice on how best to handle this diplomatically? There is quite a bit of history with SIL (Lobster Boy for those who remember my previous threads), but things are on a reasonably even keel at present and I currently have a good relationship with DD, which I don't want to upset. She says that there is no rush to decide how best to invest the money, it is important to get it right.

Glad your DH is still around and helping @ChopinandChampagne honestly you sound like a lovely person, your DDs are lucky to have you.

@ChopinandChampagne Is there any chance DD1 is on Mumsnet?
She has small children and it's a great site.
Could she stumble onto this thread ?

My sincere condolences for your loss OP 💐

What a horrible man, anybody else would be so grateful that their children were gifted money, to set them up driving or for uni or travelling etc in tribute to their grandfather.

What a disgrace.

Do what YOU want to do, sending love xx

Yes, I agree if she had already spoken to her Godmother, she had the INFO, what did she expect to gain? Other than to try & get you to chivvy her uncle.
Underhand & somewhat devious

Ok I’ve had a few messages now so thought I should post an explanation, I thought my post was obvious but I apparently not massively so!

I’ve been around on your threads since the one when LB got his nickname and I am aware (and very sad) that your DH has died. In my original post earlier I meant that I was glad he was still around/helping as in people phoning you when helpful.

Hope it came across the way I meant it to you @ChopinandChampagne not as a few MNers have interpreted it and that it didn’t cause you any offence

@DartmoorDoughnut I interpreted it the way you meant it , and I think the OP will too.

Dartmoor - I interpreted it as you meant it, and thank you so much for your kind message. I feel DH's presence is still around me even if I can't see him. X

Thank you Chopin for taking the time to respond and reassure me

@dexterslockedintheshedagain phew!

@ChopinandChampagne

Dartmoor - I interpreted it as you meant it, and thank you so much for your kind message. I feel DH's presence is still around me even if I can't see him. X

I don't think our loved ones ever truly leave us, I'm a firm believer in that, @ChopinandChampagne. Watch out for robins too! They're said to be our loved ones visiting us x

@ChopinandChampagne op I remember your original threads. I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief is so challenging and it sounds like you’re very strong.

In regards to the links etc I would prepare a few stock phrases thy you can use each time and just keep repeating them every time your sent a link/pushed for a opinion
“Wow looks big!”
“It’s looks beautiful”
“Such lovely scenery”

I would repeat one of these prepared lines every time. It’s positive and non committal.

Your daughter has been very cruel and even though I understand she is in an abusive relationship you need to concentrate on yourself and healing after the very traumatic year.

A thought just occurred to me - could the move to Ireland be a response to LB's parents saying they won't do all the childcare LB & DD1 expected them to do? And so LB is punishing them too by moving the family far away from them all?

That has been one of my thoughts as well… and that the threat to sell up and move is being dangled to force @ChopinandChampagne into hurrying up and provide the money LB and DD1 perceive that they are “owed”. (Or an alternative.”

chopin you and you SIL are far kinder people than I. Your last update actually made me quite angry so I didn’t reply straight away and it has stewed with me, how bloody dare she hassle SIL for the inheritance, as if her uncle would sit on it laughing at her, how dare she spout off at being angry at you when she refuses to acknowledge even the slightest wrong doing herself, how on earth sil managed to not give her both barrels I do not know. SIL is 100% spot on when she says it was inevitable for your feelings to come out eventually especially as you are being so careful to remain neutral, you are an incredible lady with the way you’ve handled the relentlessness of all of this. I have often given dd the benefit of the doubt as lb is clearly such a malevolent character, but this was really uncalled for.

Sending you and dd2 and 3 hugs. 💐

@Justilou1

That has been one of my thoughts as well… and that the threat to sell up and move is being dangled to force *@ChopinandChampagne* into hurrying up and provide the money LB and DD1 perceive that they are “owed”. (Or an alternative.”

And this was my thought too

I too, was furious about the last post @ChopinandChampagne. I have written a couple of responses, but deleted them as they were rather “direct”… (Remember I’m Australian and we’re a lot less fluffy… to make things worse, I spent many years living in the Netherlands too. I promise I stop short of rude, though!)
Nobody expects any good will ever come of LB. Fair enough. He’s evil. Meanwhile, he shouldn’t be the scapegoat either. Her behaviour lately proves how complicit she is, and I am afraid that I don’t believe that she is a victim here. She made the decision to call you and talk about her father and lead into the chat about money… she chose to send you the email with the Irish house… She chose to call her aunt. This is Deviousness 101.

I am so pleased you have found the strength to Grey Rock her. I think that’s amazing! You’re going to have to burst every bubble of hope that she has seen sense and is being genuine until she moves out and all of you move on completely.

Thank you so much for your replies and for your indignation on my behalf, especially given that you haven't met me. You are all incredible!

Sssloou - I find it hard to disagree about them being 'grabby'. I find it frankly embarrassing and I don't want it to bring any awkwardness into my relationship with DH's brother and sister, who have been so kind and supportive. I was wondering if I should call my BIL, but feel that he might think that I was putting pressure on him to do what is a difficult, painful and thankless task. But I would like him to know that I am not involved, which I told SIL, so hopefully she will have passed the message on to him. I am wondering if I should say anything to DD1 to the effect that she needs to be sensitive, but then I kind of do become involved, when I really don't want to be.

Lady Eloise - DD1 has previously told me that she does not go on MN. She is very busy anyway, so wouldn't have time to spend much time, she is more likely to be researching properties, plus I got the impression that she thought MN was a bit populist, and therefore not worthy of attention. They see themselves as intellectuals.

Dartmoor and Dexter - thank you for your lovely messages regarding DH's continued presence. There have been a lot of signs. I have thought about sharing them, but they are a bit too precious and private at present. I have typed a list, which I read when I am feeling low and alone.

Thank you billy and everyone who has offered advice on how to deal with the situation. I shall practise my 'stock phrases' . I agree that there is more than a hint of deviousness in it all. I now really regret telling DD1 about the inheritance. I should have left it to her uncle to tell her when it was all sorted out. Instead of being delighted and overjoyed, they now seem to be becoming disgruntled and annoyed at the delay. They definitely seemed to have shifted their attitude from one of gratitude to entitlement. LB is very big on DD1 standing up for her 'rights'. They are not so keen on obligations though.

You will not be impressed by today's exchange, I am afraid. I received a 'What's App' message from DD1 saying that she was annoyed because she hadn't been able to send the link through to the clothes DGD1 would like for her birthday (which, to be fair, I offered to buy because it is easier than sending things they don't like) because of telephone/broadband problems. I replied that maybe there were works going on in the area. Then she called, basically to complain about how ridiculous it was, she had nearly lost the sale of a puppy because the 'phone signal was bad, couldn't download a recipe, going on for three days etc. She wanted me to call them as they needed my security details, as I am the account holder. So I called and they needed to speak to her to 'troubleshoot'. So I just told her to use my details, which are very basic anyway, name, address and date of birth.

DD3 is coming home today, so we can be together on Father's Day, but DD1 didn't mention it. She told me last year, DH's final FD, that they, ie she and LB, didn't celebrate FD, and she wasn't even aware of dates like that. She has since sent me one of her bland messages asking what I am doing this weekend. I am not sure how to reply. There is so much publicity about FD, you would have to be living under a rock not to be aware of it and, in DD1's shoes, it would be significant.

Thank you Justilou - I was planning to visit Australia and NZ next year, something which DH and I always planned to do, but put off until our retirement, due to the distance. Sadly, it was not meant to be. And I have just been advised that my trip needs to be postponed for a year, due to Covid. If all Australians are even half as nice as you, I can't wait to go!

Time for them to have their own account for phone and broadband, it's ridiculous it's in your name still.

She knows it's FD. So no need to be coy.

"DD3 is here, spending lots of time talking about Dad this weekend as you can imagine. We are cheering each other up with lots of lovely memories"

God, she's unbelievable. 😢😡
I feel so sad for you.

I sent a friendly message saying what I was doing today, having a BBQ tomorrow, DD3 coming for the w/e so we could be together, as obviously going to be a difficult day for us all, hope her 'phone was fixed etc.

Just received this reply:

'Why will tomorrow be a difficult day?'

She is goading you - don’t rise to it.

Have some of your own broadband issues and turn your phone off until Wednesday.

Don’t let her pollute this for you all.

Or you could say

“Every day is a difficult day”