Thank you everyone, and I have indeed had 'amazing advice' on this thread.
I had a long talk to DD1 on Saturday. I had actually tried to avoid talking to her by sending a long, chatty message saying that was 'all my news for now and have a lovely weekend'. She had tried to call me twice earlier in the day when I was out, which is what prompted the message, but she tried again later, and I didn't want to give the impression that I was avoiding her.
We started off by chatting about normal things, how she is feeling (sick and tired), what they were doing (not much), and it was ok but a bit stilted. Then she moved, slightly awkwardly, onto the matter of the inheritance and when it would be paid. She said that they wanted a bigger house for when the new baby arrives and wanted to start looking now. I said that she should speak to my brother in law, who is dealing with it all and that I would her send his details, which I subsequently did. I said that it could take a while to go through probate, but that the house in London was sold, and he would know the present position. She wanted me to ask him, but I said that I wouldn't feel comfortable in doing so, but that I was sure that he would be happy to speak to her.
I then asked a few friendly questions about where they were planning to move to, putting their house on the market etc. She was quite vague, said that they were thinking of moving to Ireland or Wales and didn't want to sell their house until the baby is born (there is also the second house in the same area, which they rent out). So I concluded that there is no plan to move until next year, but that they want to know when the money is coming, which I don't actually think is unreasonable. I said that she could probably borrow against the inheritance, but her response 'What, you mean we would have to pay interest?'
Anyway, she seemed rather embarrassed at the thought of ringing her uncle, and I am not sure that she will. That part of the conversation reminded me of when she had met LB and they wanted to buy a house together. DH's father, ie her grandfather, had given DH £20k to share between the three DDs, for such things as driving lessons, first car etc. None of them were at all bothered about it, probably because they didn't need it at the time, but there was absolute trust that DH would keep it safe for them. But after she met LB, she kept ringing up, both me and DH, at least two or three conversations with each of us, asking where the money was, was it in an account, was interest being paid etc, as though she didn't trust us. It just wasn't her, and I knew then that she had been primed to ask these questions.
The conversation then took a different turn and we had the frankest conversation we have had in a long, long time. I think it was Billy who said that DD1 would process things over a period of time, and I think she was right.
First, DD1 told me how worried she is about giving birth again, after the two emergency C sections for DGD1 and DGD2. Some of you may remember from one of my other threads that she was strongly advised by her consultant to have an elective C section last time, but refused and went to something like 43 weeks before being induced. She then ended up with another emergency C section, during which both she and DGD2 nearly died - she told me recently that she believed DGD2 was dead - and she was treated for suspected sepsis. DD1 said she thought that she had PTSD as a result of the experience and it took her a while to bond with DGD2, who was born late on Christmas Eve.
I spoke to DD1 shortly after the birth, in the early hours of the morning, and she was shattered and had been advised to stay in hospital for a few days to recover and get some rest. I said that seemed like a good idea and she agreed. When I spoke to her, the thing she seemed most concerned about was that LB hadn't been allowed to stay overnight and had to drive home, when he was tired. She was concerned that he was driving whilst tired, hadn't had anything to eat etc. From what she said, it sounded as though LB had gone off in a sulk.
The next thing was, some hours later, LB sent me a text - which he almost never does - to tell me that he had picked up DD1 and DGD2 from hospital and taken them home. DD1 later told me that she had cooked the Christmas dinner but LB had 'helped' her, which she seemed grateful about.
But what she said to me in our conversation on Saturday is that she doesn't want LB to be at the next birth at all, because she feels that his presence arrested the labour, that she was more concerned about him than giving birth. She said that this is apparently normal, she even had some word or phrase to describe it, and asked me if I had felt like that. I said no, not at all, that I was worried about DH driving to the hospital as he is a rubbish driver, but he had supported me and our sole focus was on my giving birth.
Then we spoke about the family situation. She said that she had been very upset by what I had said about her treatment of me and DH, as well as my remarks about not having formed any bond with the DGDs; also that she hates the idea that her sisters may discuss her in a negative way as though she is a 'villain'. She then mumbled again something about she and LB wanting to spend DGD1's birthday together, as this is what they always do. She then said that I should never have thrown LB out of the house, which answered all of my questions which have been brewing and festering in my head for years.
Some of you may recall my first thread, where I was going to give DD1 a sum of money to help buy a house with LB, but changed my mind after he exhibited controlling behaviours and she was crying all the time. She has subsequently said that she was suffering from mental health issues at the time but I, not unnaturally, concluded that he was the cause of them. On the day in question, she had been sobbing in her room for a long time, I knocked on the door and entered, whereupon she rushed into the bathroom and locked herself in. I asked LB to leave in a nice way, even offered to drive him to the station, but he refused to go until he had spoken to her. Half an hour later she was still locked in the bathroom and wouldn't come out.
I felt intimidated even though he wasn't actually behaving in a threatening way, as he is much bigger than me and I knew that he had won boxing competitions. DH was at work. DD1's sisters had alerted me to DD1's sobbing, as they were so concerned about her. I am afraid to say that I lost my temper, handled it appallingly, said that he was controlling, that nobody liked him, that he wasn't good enough for my daughter, and that if he didn't leave, I would call the police. So he did finally go, giving me a look of pure hatred on the way out. DD1 then came out of the bathroom, in a terrible state, and then went after him. I was shaking like a leaf and thought that I had lost her forever.
The thing is that he actually came to our house the following new year, apparently prepared to put up with me in the hope of trying to prise money out of us, as he subsequently sent an email suggesting that we should 'make amends' by effectively giving them our retirement home. But of course he still hates me and, I suspect, always will, even though I have apologised several times, gone out of my way to be nice to him, made meals he likes, bought board games which I knew he enjoyed etc. This is why we were not informed of their marriage, let alone invited, or told about the birth of DGD1 until 14 months later (only after stumping up £10k towards the property which they bought to rent out). Initially, they moved house without informing us of their new address and only provided that after we agreed to pay rent for their house during DD1's PGCE course.
We probably sound a bit pathetic, but we were happy to support DD1 in doing her course, as we thought that it would be good for her self development and confidence, as well as giving her a qualification so that she could become financially independent. We did hesitate about the £10k, but that was asked for as a loan, and we just took a view about it, not expecting to receive it back.
The problem is, when I reflect upon things, I see that the relationship had become very 'transactional' since DD1 met LB. However, I do believe that DH's death has changed DD1's way of thinking. She clearly, genuinely, wants to be reconciled with her sisters, as well as me. And I could tell from the FaceTime calls which we had, almost overwhelming in number, that she was so happy to be back in touch with me. I told her that her sisters did not speak ill of her, that DD2 was actually very sympathetic towards her regarding the loss of their Dad, that they were genuinely pleased to hear about DGC3, that nobody thought ill of her, it was more a case of a silence which had grown. I said that I was sorry for having been angry with her, that my anger was a part of my grieving process, but that I was not angry any more, that life was too short, how much I loved her etc. And she said how much she loved me and she was very concerned that I should look after myself.
I said that when I made LB leave the house, I had handled it very badly, but I had been trying to protect her, that I had overreacted partly as it was 'deja vue'. in that she had previously been in a relationship which had she subsequently told me was abusive, and I felt terrible that I had not protected her. I said that I knew that LB would never forgive me and she did not disagree.
After that incident, now 6 years ago, my hope was that LB loved DD1 enough to not want her to be estranged from her family. He had actually said to me that the one who would be hurt the most would be DD1. In the end though, it seems that his pride is greater than his love. We didn't estrange after a row. I believe that it took a while for LB to talk DD1 into an estrangement. DH and I visited for a couple of days, stayed in an hotel, met DD1 off site, took her out for dinner, went to an art gallery. LB dropped her off at the restaurant but refused to meet us or join us, although he was invited. DD1 had done a beautiful drawing of my dog, whom I had recently lost, for my birthday, hugged us when we left and told us how much she loved us. When I turned to wave goodbye, she had a sad, wistful expression on her face, so I think that she had agreed with LB to cut us off. I often wondered if the picture was, in fact, a farewell gift.
Of course, she did not know at that stage, none of us did, that DH had a terminal illness. The reason that DD2 is so sorry for DD1 is that she has missed all of that time with DH which she could have had. And DD1 must know this, she tells me how much she loved him, how much she misses him, and I know that she means it. I also told her about the conversation with LB where he said that she would suffer the most and she said that she had. I genuinely don't believe that she will estrange again, which is all I need to know really.
I said that I wanted to build a good relationship with LB, as he is her DH, father of her DC, father of my DGC etc, but a lot of people don't like their in laws, that of course LB and I should be able to have a civil relationship for her sake, but I also did not mind meeting her away from the house. I said that LB should not instruct my relationship with my DD and my DGC. She did not disagree, but said that LB loved her very much.
However, I detected a shift in her attitude, maybe slight but definitely there, that she is thinking more independently now. And although the realisation may take a lot longer, at some stage she must surely reach the conclusion that LB has prevented her from spending the precious time which she could have had with her much loved father.
Sorry this is so long!