Thank you everybody for your kind and supportive messages over the weekend. I also spoke to my therapist about the situation on Friday, who was similarly very supportive and helpful. I don't know what I would have done without that one hour a week talking to her, and without the advice and support of everyone on here. Sometimes, I feel that I don't know what normal is any more.
DD1 called on Friday afternoon and we had a long and positive/amicable conversation, ending with 'I love you' etc, so I put the 'phone down feeling happy, as I generally do, given that there is regular contact now. But, invariably, as I replay the conversations over again in my head, I feel less happy. Somebody mentioned the 'crumbs' being afforded to me, and it does sometimes feel like that. DD1 will say something or seem enthusiastic about something when we speak, but will then backtrack, presumably after discussing things with LB. The latest is the spa trip, which she seemed keen on a few days ago, but is now saying she can't do because of her pregnancy, so I didn't push it. I am not that keen on spas anyway, but just thought it would be an opportunity for us to spend some time together. However, I also thought that LB would block it, and I was not wrong.
She still seems keen on my going to visit and has said she will cook one of the quail for me.....! So we had an innocuous conversation about food and where to buy good bacon, how good her butcher is, how she might be able to sell the quail eggs there, etc. She seemed to want to avoid discussing anything unpleasant or controversial. By this stage, she had received DD2's message of congratulation about DGC3 and seemed reasonably satisfied, although thinks that DD3 should have sent her a direct message. I said words to the effect of that it was between them, that DD3 was pleased for them, but that there was 'a lot of water under the bridge' and we left it at that.
However, it seems that the news of DGC3 has not gone down quite as well with LB's parents and grandparents as they were expecting, not that they have been negative as such, but it has been suggested that it is very soon to be having another baby. DD1 was of the view that they should be grateful, as she and LB are probably their only chance of grandchildren. She was, as she has been in the past, impliedly critical of LB's sister, who has a career as a teacher, and does not seem keen on having DC at present. She described her as 'an eco warrior' and I don't think it was intended as a compliment. I made a vague remark about not everybody wanting the same thing and that LB's sister had plenty of time to have a family, if she wanted to do so. DD1 appeared somewhat dismissive of this, seeming to suggest that time is already running out for LB's sister, even though she is only 31and is in a steady relationship. Her BF is a pilot and they apparently like to prioritise holidays - she actually sounds like someone I would like to meet. DD1 says that LB and his sister are total opposites...
I said that I was looking forward to visiting and we will go for a family day out to a famous attraction, which they have not yet visited although it is nearby, as they did not want to spend the money. And yes I will treat them and no, I don't mind, it's what grandparents do. And it will be good to be busy doing something. And yes, LB is likely to be more receptive to my visits if there is something in it for him. DD1 also wants to go out for a Chinese meal with the DGDs, as she loves Chinese food, but they never have it, as LB doesn't like it.
So, as I say, it was all quite upbeat and positive, but I felt rather flat when I thought about it. I don't know why. DD1 didn't say anything unpleasant at all. It just seems a bit vacuous, that she wants a relationship, but on her terms - or to be precise, on LB's terms. My therapist just says to be pragmatic and go along with it, and I think she is right. I can't cope with any more distress or confrontation at present, I feel quite fragile, and what is the point anyway. I want something that I can't have, at least from DD1, although I am very lucky with my other DDs so, as other posters have said, I need to keep that in mind. Interestingly, I recall DD3 saying that she has had long conversations with DD1 in the past, but has subsequently felt that they were a bit 'empty', that nothing was left behind, which is partly why she can't really be bothered now.
SSsloou - it did occur to me that LB might have sent the aggressive message, especially as they regularly swap 'phones, so I made a point of texting as a follow up to the WhatsApp message and referring to it, both very positive, saying DD2 and DD3 were very pleased for her and LB. Hindsight teaches me, and my therapist advises me, not to give anything out that could cause problems or be a hostage to fortune. You are quite right that I should be 'grey rock'. something which DD2 also advises. I now, to a large extent, compartmentalise my relationship with DD1 and keep it separate from my other DDs. DD2 will occasionally ask how DD1is, but DD3 hardly ever does.