SIL and money issues

[ChopinandChampagne]

I recently lost my DH and I thought that it would be nice to give some money to my DGDs, both toddlers, to set aside for their future as a gift from him. Realistically, they will not remember him, but I thought that if they have some money to spend on travel or driving lessons or to help with their university costs or whatever, they would think of him and know how much he loved them, even though he didn't live to see them grow up.

I did some internet research and the suggestions were for a Junior Isa, which a parent would need to set up, and I would then pay into, and the child could access at 18. Alternatively, a savings account, which I would be able to set up as a grandparent, as long as I produce a copy of the birth certificate, which the child can access and take over at 16.

So far, so good and, I thought, relatively uncontroversial, so I suggested it to my DD and said that I wanted to give each of the DGDs £10k from DH and the options. I said that I wanted it to be a separate account and that suggested that she open a Junior Isa or that I should open a savings account. Her response was that she would have to discuss it with SIL and I said fine, thought no more it. Then, I sense that there is a bit of tension and DD says she wants to set up a telephone call with both her and SIL one evening, to discuss the matter after the DGDs are in bed. This was a text, so I reply saying fine, is now a good time, but DD said not, but we could schedule a couple of days later, but only if she has completed her coursework for her studies.

Then, a couple of days ago, I receive an email from SIL, from whom I never hear anything direct, advising me that if I really want to put money in an account, he will open one, but that he thinks that it is a bad idea, as inflation will erode the money. He thinks I should invest it in gold bullion or some other specific account (he says he has recently opened one for DD), and he provided links to various websites.

The tone of the email comes across, not as friendly advice, but telling me what to do. I have said that I will have a rethink, but I am worried about offending him if I don't follow his advice. I feel that he is trying to control how I invest the money. He refers to it as my wanting to invest for the DGD's future, which it is partly, but it is also about wanting the DGDs to remember or be reminded of DH. I don't really want to invest in bullion, as I think it's a bit volatile, and the idea of a bank account is that the DGDs would get the bank statements and maybe learn how to save.

Does anyone have any advice on how best to handle this diplomatically? There is quite a bit of history with SIL (Lobster Boy for those who remember my previous threads), but things are on a reasonably even keel at present and I currently have a good relationship with DD, which I don't want to upset. She says that there is no rush to decide how best to invest the money, it is important to get it right.

Time to say you're reviewing the family mobile contracts and if she still wants one they'll need to sort one out as of X.

It's ridiculous she isn't even the one using it.

There's nothing to stop you paying for a working adults phone bill!
I presume you're not paying for the other dd's.

I am going to be blunt. You need to let her (and him by default) “Adult Up”. You need to stop paying the mobile bill. There will be consequences, but you’ve just been procrastinating about that. They’ve been told. If it is shut off, so be it. It’s not your problem. There is only one way they are going to learn to respect your boundaries - and you as a separate human being - and that is to show them your ladyballs. They really only care about the bottom dollar at the moment. You can warn them, or not. It doesn’t matter. Personally, I wouldn’t.

Oh, and if she complains, you need to spell it out. No more favouritism. No bills paid, etc. Adults pay their own way.

And for their kids, of course.

I’ve just had a look through some of the old threads.

These two lazy entitled freeloaders need to be cut off. They are blackmailing you with never seeing them/their children.

They will bleed you dry.

I don't really understand why you are still planning to go visit. You are opening yourself up for so much hurt at such a vulnerable time. Please reconsider. You sound like such a lovely person, I hate to see you being set up for a difficult visit by yourself. Spend the time with your DDs who do value you, not just your money.

Do you still pay for DD2 and DD3 mobile phones?

OP I’m also unsure why you are still planning to go. Given how your SIL is I’m not sure why you don’t think he will take offence to taking your dd1 out of the house and treating her to a spa whilst he receives no special treatment what ever. He will expect some kind of compensation. Do you think that some tiny part of you thinks that this will be some kind of catalyst that enables/causes you to be able to go NC and retreat back to the safety of your two other Dds with out being accused of dropping her?

What does your therapist say about you visiting?

Such fantastic advice and support on this thread.

Chopin . Sending you 🌸🌸. I suppose DGC3 was inevitable with I’m sure more to come . .Glad you are aware of how vulnerable it will leave you to get too invested but I appreciate how difficult it will be to stand back . You have known the pain of absolute estrangement and understandably don’t want to return to that . The problem is DD1 and LB know this too . It gives them soooo much power.

As. I’ve previously said we were in a very similar position with our D and her BF .( no GCs though - that we know of)
We finally said no more money as they were foul to all the family and it was clear that any we gave was being used to fund his ( and subsequently her) habits 🥲
She immediately text me to say she didn’t want to lose us but that would be the case if we refused to send money .
Well she was true to her word ( for once!!) and it’s been 2.5 since we last saw her and we have no idea where she is
Heartbreaking but we refused to be blackmailed . She would have bled us dry.

It has actually helped me to recognise her part in this and not blame it all on BF’s influence.

Euro ,Lemon and lou thank you for posting about being the child that stayed and supported their parents while the “golden child “ ignored them.
So sorry you were in this situation I think it’s a position that gets overlooked in estrangement.
It has reassured me that we are making the correct decision for our DS who, like Chopin’s DD2 and DD3 , is loyal , loving and supportive.

Chopin you are obviously a lovely person and do not deserve to be suffering like this x

I understand why you are still trying Chopin, its so very difficult for you, I do wonder if your life would be less stressful and happier if they hadn't got back in touch. I honestly don't think at any stage you could or would have acted any different, but the constant angst and walking on eggshells must be so hard, especially as you are still very much grieving the loss of your DH.

What a pair of cunts!!! You’d be better off cutting the teat and concentrating on your other dcs.

Sixty thousand in the bank and can’t afford a separate phone contract? Now I hear that and start to pity DD1 again as that’s atrocious control to ensure he has her phone when she’s not in front of him :(

Did you pay the phone contract throughout the estrangement? I guess you just let it, but I guess now it keeps the lines of communication open.

They are choosing to live a frugal miserly life to have all that money in the bank.

You do sound very calm and wise to the dynamics and so do your other daughters - but for SIL nothing has changed - the death of your lovely DH means absolutely nothing to him - likely just a temporary tedious distraction and interruption - and any slack he has afforded you to date is now well over given the way he has degraded you around the DGD birthday in these the darkest days of your life.

And your DD1 facilitates this.

They have treated you appallingly for years - this is who they are. They will continue to do this unless you become some benign, vague, inert, almost invisible presence in their life.

They will never acknowledge, never mind apologise for what went on and what continues to happen.

They are not capable.

He sounds like he has Paranoid Personality Disorder and will come into conflict with everyone who crosses his path - neighbours, nursery teachers, your DD1 employers ..... keep out of the frame so that she can see he is the common denominator - otherwise you will continue to be his nominated “Target of Blame” with every single interaction which he distorts to paint as threat and conflict.

Don’t hand him the bullets to shoot you with. He is mentally unwell and his disorder will likely deteriorate as he ages so he will clash and crash up against systems.

You can’t do anything with insanity except ensure your own precious and fragile emotional life is protected and detached from it’s impact.

I personally wouldn’t pull the plug on the phone contract as I think that would be incendiary and I personally believe that your DD1 is a victim of extreme coercive control (although she is unable to call that yet) and having a communication link is critical. Although many others on this thread don’t see her actions in through this lens it’s a very complex and sensitive situation.

I believe they would have to get their own to continue puppy farming etc. The fact LB keeps hold of the phone to use the internet at home means he needs it too.

Appalling that they allowed you to fund the phone contract all the way through the estrangement, but not especially surprising given their past and present behaviour.
If you were to stop funding it now I expect they would cut you off completely again which I guess is why you have continued.

It’s so hard to understand how DD1 can justify having you and her DF fund the phone that for many years she refused to contact you on and then used it to verbally abuse/control you.
Their sense of entitlement is huge .

Just a thought , and not that it changes anything really, but do you think they are telling the truth regarding the phone being their only source of internet ? She is doing a PGCE isn’t she ? Surely the amount of studying needed for that would be hard to do on a mobile phone. Maybe they tell you that so you keep paying it . It’s hard to know what to believe isn’t it ?

I wondered that too why does DGD1 benefit from having an IPad if they don't have internet at home?

Surely the phone must be on a rolling contract by now ie the phone bit paid for?
Why not say its out of contract now so I will cancel and let you choose your own provider?
If they cut you off then they cut you off!
They keep threatening it anyway and you cant dance to their tune forever.

As Templetreebalm states
"....If they cut you off then they cut you off !
They keep threatening it anyway and you can't dance to their tune forever."

So true. The stress of all this could make you ill. DD2 and DD3 need you.
Look after yourself.

Circumstances are beyond our control but our conduct in those circumstances is our choice to make.

@LadyEloise

As Templetreebalm states "....If they cut you off then they cut you off ! They keep threatening it anyway and you can't dance to their tune forever."

So true. The stress of all this could make you ill. DD2 and DD3 need you.
Look after yourself.

Circumstances are beyond our control but our conduct in those circumstances is our choice to make.

Take the power back OP. They will toy with you forever. Let your DD1 know that the door is always open if she decides to leave him. Dont chase them, dont beg for their crumbs and sort a Trust for your dgc in your will. Then batten down the hatches and concentrate on your other DC.

I mentioned this on another thread .
This is Karpmans Triangle which occurs in dysfunctional relationships.
Persecutor
Victim
Enabler
I would suggest that LB is the Persecutor and you and your daughter swap between victim and enabler.
The only way to get out of this toxic triangle is to step out of the roles.
Stop enabling, stop allowing them to victimize you.

I would find some excuse, & cut off the internet part of the contract.
You are paying for the phone so that she can contact you, not so LB can have the internet while his wife is working
They could link iPad to the the phone network maybe, but it sounds unlikely.
They are just happy to have free phone & media

I don’t think it’s very helpful to all those advising @ChopinandChampagne to walk away there are far too many emotions at play, not least the original reconciliation that was a source of great joy for her DH and Chopin had his memory to respect as well as concern for dd1.

Chopin, I think you are doing the right thing keeping everything calm and consistent without giving too much of your heart. I would live your life as if the reconciliation hadn’t happened, so spend and enjoy the company of dd2 and 3 without feeling obligated to ask dd1, seeing and speaking to dd1 whenever you feel comfortable. You don’t need to keep things from her, and if they do withdraw again due to jealousy you can live with a clear conscience that you have tried.

billy, I believe Chopin's husband said to cut off DD1...