Thanks everyone and apologies for the delay in replying, but yesterday was a significant date in relation to DH, so I haven't felt very functional for a few days.
DD1 called on Friday offering to FaceTime with the DGDs. She asked how I was, but just in a general way. She didn't ask after DD3 and seemed to have forgotten that we had both had ops. She said her eczema was much better although DGD1 was suffering, but I don't think that's why she called. She seemed to want to discuss her own position and was upset because a member of the department had been critical of her lack of planning in relation to her lessons, so she has a lot of work this weekend.
She was also finding it very difficult to manage teaching and running the household, saying how tired she felt when she got home and had no energy for the DGDs. She said she would not feel like doing any cleaning and would look at a pile of laundry or washing up and not have the energy to do it. She was finding it a bit much to prepare meals in advance, before going to work, and when arriving home she just wanted to bath the DGDs and get them to bed, when she would fall asleep on the sofa. There was no mention of what LB was doing in all this - presumably he feels that he has done his bit by keeping an eye on the GDGs whilst she is teaching. I bit my tongue and didn't say anything, as I know that it would be repeated to LB and he would find ways of blocking the contact which I now have with DD1 and the DGDs, and she would be much more guarded in future.
They are still thinking of moving, but can't sell the house until all the jobs are done. LB takes on lots of ambitious projects but never seems to finish them. When we visited, there was half a kitchen, a room off the bedroom, intended to be a playroom, which was plastered but not painted etc Since then, he is in the process of renovating the only bathroom (there was no bath for two weeks - DD1 was so excited when she could bath the DGDs again), as well as putting down tiles in the hall, and the kitchen is still a work in progress. DD1 is very impressed by all this, and tells me with pride of what he has been doing ie important manly work, whilst she does everything else!
Anyway, DD1 now seems to have gone back largely to how she used to be with me, relaxed and chatty and looking for advice and support. I think she has put out of her mind the fact that she got married and didn't tell me and DH for over a year, had DGD1 and didn't tell us for 14 months, and moved house without giving us the address etc. She just wants it to be like it used to be, and I think that I have to accept that I will never receive an explanation whilst she is with LB, whom she clearly worships. She says how much she feels appreciated at home. It takes me back to when LB used to come and stay when they first met. I welcomed him, cooked nice meals etc and he always said how lovely and would eat with apparent relish, but he never offered to wash up, or to do anything to help at all. I don't think the thought ever occurred to him.
In the meantime, there has been another litter of puppies and I suspect that their arrival, plus everything else going on, is why she wasn't in touch. It just shows how paranoid I have become! They are going to keep one of the female puppies to breed from, so there will then be four dogs. DD1 referred several times to them being a 'nuisance' whereas she always used to love dogs. However, she is prepared to put up with the dogs rather than going to work. She says she doesn't want a career but prefers to run the household, which she describes as running a business.
What is more troubling is that they are now thinking seriously of home schooling, as they don't want the DGDs to go to a state school and can't afford private. This really worries me, as it means that the DGDs will potentially not be socialised and will become isolated.
Lorthern - I am so very sorry to hear that your DD is still with her LB and that you remain estranged. It's excruciating isn't it. You are quite right in saying that I should offload onto my therapist, who also tells me this. I still get very upset, but I am getting better at keeping it in check and, as my therapist suggests, not making myself vulnerable. She encourages me to see the bigger picture and be realistic. And of course, there are so many brilliant therapists on this thread, who have kept me going throughout some of my darkest and most difficult periods. I really, really hope that things improve for you, and I believe that they will. You and your DD were very close and true love never dies. She will remember her happy childhood. It is the waiting and the uncertainty which is killing. Sending big hugs to you.
Regarding the spa, I think in the first instance, I might suggest that DD1 and I go for a few hours when I visit, as a relaxation after all her hard work - nothing that LB can be aggrieved about, although I would be very surprised if she agrees. It would not be relaxing to go with all the DDs at this stage, even if they would agree to it, and would defeat the object. Also DD1 lives so far away.
Sorry for rambling on, and wishing you all a lovely bank holiday weekend.