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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DF called me to advise me against getting married

318 replies

Fressia123 · 21/01/2021 16:26

As per title, my DF says that money changes everything and since there's no separation of assets in the UK I simply shouldn't get married. (The wedding is in April). Not completely unexpected but still a bit but that he actually said that.

OP posts:
PlantMam · 21/01/2021 20:02

Can you have a non-legally binding do instead, like a humanist handfasting or something?

Then you get the dress and the party and the symbolism of commitment and saying public vows but without the legal contract that shares assets?

The drawback is you won’t be each other’s legal next of kin for health care matters.

TriflePudding · 21/01/2021 20:11

Why not get your parents to declare their asserts and incomes correctly (and therefore pay the right amount of tax that they should be paying), then they wouldn’t have to worry about their assets being taken in the event of you getting divorced.

georgarina · 21/01/2021 20:31

I would get a solicitor's opinion - there's really no kind of prenup in the UK?

Ginfordinner · 21/01/2021 20:31

Is putting everything into Trust for your baby an option?

MrsWindass · 21/01/2021 20:33

@Fressia123

I obviously don't think we'll get divorced, but I know him and I'll know he'll at least respect my money, so to speak.
Yeah right - everyone thinks that .
OhTinnitus · 21/01/2021 20:35

Sorry I haven't had time to read the full thread but OP, I think I can guess from your use of language and the comments you've made about fairly unique inheritance/divorce laws in your home country that you are from a certain country in South America? (I won't say which one in case you would prefer me not to).

If so, I understand what you are saying about your assets in your home country - that they automatically pass to your child upon death and the marriage would need to be registered in your home country for your husband to go after them upon divorce. If we are talking about the same country, this echoes my (non professional) knowledge too.

However please do see an English and well respected lawyer also as you just never know what loopholes can be found for the right amounts of money. You need it all to be looked into by someone who has the full picture and knowledge of international law.

BlueThistles · 21/01/2021 20:50

Im stunned at your naivety OP 🌺

wingingit987 · 21/01/2021 20:52

Pre nup

unmarkedbythat · 21/01/2021 20:56

MN is always exhorting women to marry, and here the opposite is true. How strange.

Musthavesbackagain · 21/01/2021 21:01

@unmarkedbythat

MN is always exhorting women to marry, and here the opposite is true. How strange.
I see the clever ones have arrived ...

MN exhort women to marry in order to PROTECT themselves. Likewise, in this thread, we are urging the women in question to PROTECT herself - in this case by not marrying without first protecting her family's assets.

Shall I draw a picture if the big words are too much?

GetTheDebtGoneIn2021 · 21/01/2021 21:01

I know him and I'll know he'll at least respect my money

Hehe

KickAssAngel · 21/01/2021 21:03

I live in the US and when I drew up a will I asked about divorce and assets we own in the UK. International law says that the country in which you are living defines the rules about dividing assets if you divorce, so UK law would apply if you live & divorce in the UK. You can't do a pick and mix approach, it wouldn't work.

Also - if you own part of some things but shared with family members, that could cause massive problems whether divorce or death meant that your DH/Ex wanted the cash from them.

This is a potentially very messy situation and you should get proper legal advice in the UK

Original poster
Fressia123 · 21/01/2021 21:04

Yes @OhTinnitus Im from that side of the world indeed :) . In my divorce they were all seen as premarital assets (I've had them even before I was an adult) so were not taken into account. That and of course that they aren't owned here. But ultimately there wasn't a problem with them at all. Everything was left intact.

OP posts:
PrincessBuggerPants · 21/01/2021 21:08

I have friends who have parents who put assets in their children's names when they were young, to avoid tax.

This is bad enough imo, but they also failed to consider what would happen when their child got married. The parents, like yours, then held this over there children in a deeply unhealthy way, but also never ever considered the obvious option: you just give your half of the family assets back.

Why don't you do that before you get married OP? And get your family to amend their wills accordingly. It solves ALL the problems, and you can get married!

billy1966 · 21/01/2021 21:10

@BlueThistles

Another one bites the dust 🙄
I can't help but agree. Her poor father witnessing this...shxt show.

Heartbreaking for him no doubt.

No OP, don't get married.

He took his last wife for more than he should have......🤔🤔😒😒

Surely be to goodness this should give you pause for thought🤔🤔🤔🤔

My sympathy is with your poor father trying to advise you🤷🏻‍♀️

Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2021 21:13

And yes it's about the romantic gesture and being able to call him my husband. I also want to experience wearing a wedding dress, etc...

Good grief. If these are the main reasons for wanting to get married, it's all a bit childish. Wearing a wedding dress? As someone who's been married nearly 25 years and did so in normal clothes at the registry office, I assure you a fancy wedding dress doesn't account for anything. The bottom line is that you have a lot to lose should things go wrong, which they often do. You already know this given your divorce and your partner's divorce. Your father is right to be very concerned

BlueThistles · 21/01/2021 21:15

OP sounds invested in the White Dress and the Mrs ...

so... good luck OP ... I hope you're wrong .. for your sake 🌺

ImsorryWilson · 21/01/2021 21:16

I feel lucky not to be rich after reading this.

I think your parents’ tax avoidance has come at the cost of your ability to commit to marriage. Don’t pass this stuff on your son too or his love life will also be distorted.

BuntysTwinkle · 21/01/2021 21:26

If you own half of your parents house, perhaps he's anxious about someone else potentially having a claim if something happened to you?

And you should never assume someone doesn't care about money. People can change. Your marriage could end badly, all manner of things could happen. Be smart about this and ensure that you are well protected. If you have a child together and he is active in childcare - or becomes so strategically as many men do - he could have a claim on the property you share.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 21/01/2021 21:28

My DM lives in the house, my DF in the ranch. They have been separated for at least 20 years but haven't divorced because a) they've never agreed on how to split it b) they think that each other will look after the other . I never understood why everything is in my name (and not my sister's).

OP posts:
cittabassa · 21/01/2021 21:33

billy1966 You claim OP wrote:

He took his last wife for more than he should have.....

What OP actually wrote was:

They had no assets, but he acknowledged their joint debt and took more than his share

ImsorryWilson · 21/01/2021 21:34

“ I never understood why everything is in my name (and not my sister's).”

Crikey op.

You seem to be sucked into something not that pleasant. How is your relationship with your sister?

TorringtonDean · 21/01/2021 21:37

Do not get married - your DF is very wise and he also earned a lot of the assets! I had to give my ex 55% of everything. Yes he got enough to house himself and the kids but they live with me and only one of them has once been to his home for one hour in the whole time since the divorce.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 21/01/2021 21:37

Not great... In fact my uncle left her some money (that was supposed to be for my DM and she kept it...)

That's fairly recent in the grand scheme of things though.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 21/01/2021 21:40

Your DF isn’t advising against your marriage for your benefit, he’s doing it for his own. He doesn’t want another man having anything to do with his home, which your husband would have.

I think it’s an incredibly selfish way for a parent to behave, and if you want to be a married family and have a husband then you deserve to have that. Unless you’re about to say that your partner is a drug addict/long term unemployed/in significant debt/being investigated for fraud, then carry on with your wedding plans and I hope you have a wonderful day.