Advice please on DP - commitment issues - long post
Ncforthis1234567 · 20/01/2021 09:25
Been seeing my DP for the last 2 years, known him for 3. Our children get along really well and his have said they love me and call me stepmum. Mine adore him and his parents and extended family have welcomed me so warmly, I feel really blessed.
Now to the actual issue.
In the first Year that we dated he seemed to lose interest about 3 month into casually dating and went a bit quiet. I let him go and said he needed to sort himself out and to come back if he did so. 2 months later he’s asking me out and we get along great, lots of nice activities taken together, weekends away, introduced the kids, Christmas together and it the Facebook official status. It was like he had made his mind up and I felt so happy.
Then I found out that in the early weeks of dating he’d had a one night stand, then when he went quiet on me he started seeing another girl and then had a another one night stand while he was seeing her, just dating around. He said he missed me and wanted to be with me and reached out again. Unbeknownst to me he kissed another woman and then kept chatting behind my back to one of his one night stands and to some other girl he’d never even met.
This is not about slating other women but these girls are very different from me. If that’s more his type then why keep coming back to me? I feel insecure about this.
I initially struggled with the infidelity and being deceived but I thought he’d made his mind up now and was running with his decision. In the initial stages of dating there can be overlaps and I am willing to accept that.
We had couples counselling and tried to just move forward. I struggled to forgive, I reminded him of his mistakes and things got more rocky.
We took some time out and then met again to see where we were both at. His kids said they had missed me and he was sobbing and begging me to give him a chance.
He’s not out a foot wrong this year. We’ve been on holiday and had days out and weekends away. He’s been a supportive partner and very open about his contacts. Nothing to suggest he wasn’t all in.
I then mentioned it would be nice to take the relationship further in the new year and move in together. He’s at mine most days/nights anyway. Sees his kids at mine and supports me with mine.
Since the divorce he’s been living at his parents.
When I said that he balked. He said he just wants us to „enjoy each other“. Then he said he doesn’t have the money and when pressed he said he wanted to keep his independence. And that if we moved in together I might not like him as much and might dump home or get bored. He’s then went on to say he’s afraid that if he jumps full in that if we don’t work out it will be his second failed relationship and “what will people say” (He divorced 3 years ago after she cheated on him with one of his mates.)
None of these things are rooted in facts. I have been loyal, never cheated, a family person who’s very loving and I‘m sure about my feelings for him.
Yesterday he said that he feels he has to tip-hoe around me, that I am so different from him. Highly educated, well off, very deep with my feelings and thoughts, very ambitious and strong-willed. That he feels he’s no match for me and that I might leave him for someone else. I felt hurt because I have never given him an idea that I wasn’t fully committed.
But I now feel that he’s not committed to me. I feel he wants me for my attractiveness and the perks of showing me off but not the rest of me.
I saw a message on his Facebook to another woman (just like he used to message these other girls - starting to chat) but when I said „Why don’t you tell me you don’t want to be with me instead of going behind my back?“ He’s now deleted it. I feel bad for snooping but something felt off and he has form. Please don’t flame me.
He keeps saying he loves me, wants to get married and be a family. But his actions speak differently. What do I do?
Please be gentle with me, I am having a rough time. One of my closest friends died of cancer very recently and I feel I have no one to talk to.
Shoxfordian · 20/01/2021 09:44
I’m so sorry about your friend
He’s cheated on you, it sounds fairly consistently and at the first sign of commitment he runs. These are not the actions of a man who wants to be with you or marry you. Dump him, you can do much better than this half hearted commitment
Ncforthis1234567 · 20/01/2021 09:50
Thank you Shoxfordian.
Why does he cry? He is sobbing and shaking, he seems so torn and upset at the thought of losing me. Why continue to involve me in his family life? Surely if you’re not meaning to take this anywhere you’d spare your own children the pain of losing a person they love.
CryingHelps · 20/01/2021 09:56
So he has form for flakiness and you suspect he's up to something again. He talks the talk but his actions are not matching up.
Granted, it's not a bad thing to not move in together too soon when there are 2 sets of DC. It just sounds like you're not on the same page yet. Maybe give it a bit more time and see how things are once this pandemic/lockdown ends. If the flakiness continues/increases, you'll be glad he didn't move in!
Sorry about your friend
Pyewhacket · 20/01/2021 09:58
My father always told me that words are cheap. Ignore what people say and take notice of what they do.
Merryoldgoat · 20/01/2021 10:04
His actions are what’s important - nothing he does suggests he is committed.
And couples counselling right at the start?! Come OP. You’d be better off alone that with someone who doesn’t value you.
Santaiscovidfree · 20/01/2021 10:07
Does he live with his dps?
Bluntness100 · 20/01/2021 10:10
God the sobbing and shaking in this context would proper give me the ick. I’m cringing even reading it. Don’t know how you find that attractive.
Look he doesn’t want to move in with you. Everything else is noise. Accept it or move on.
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 20/01/2021 10:10
"he feels he’s no match for me"
From the sound of him, he is right about this and he knows it. You sound great, very together and generally like a lovely person. Whereas he has already cheated on you (I do not agree early days ok), he lives with his mum and he's just generally flaky. Stays at yours but wont formalise it,... does he contribute to your food & utility bills & the housework since him & his kids are staying with you so much? Or are you a cheap/free hotel/restaurant? Crying is often just total manipulation btw, crying cause its easier than fronting up, answering honestly and generally being a grown up.
Ncforthis1234567 · 20/01/2021 10:10
I felt there was something there that I wanted exploring. Mutual interests abs the fact our kids were involved. I sought counselling as I didn’t want to throw away a potentially good relationship as the cheating happened so early on.
He lives with his DPs until the FMH is sold.
Ncforthis1234567 · 20/01/2021 10:12
@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo Yes that probably hits it on the head. He doesn’t help me with money. Pays the odd food shop and takeaway but doesn’t contribute to bills. That’s juggling me as he stays at mine so much. So I thought we might as well formalise the arrangement.
Santaiscovidfree · 20/01/2021 10:12
Maybe he is scared of parenting his dc himself(without his dps) /paying bills and generally managing 50/50 financially with you?
Miffyliffy · 20/01/2021 10:15
If he wanted to marry you he'd be taking steps to prepare for that, eg what's the next step in the relationship...moving in, he'd be making steps to make this happen, planning,. Time frame.
People are incredible actors and can give the most convincing performances when it benefiting them and allowing them to keep what they want.
Crying and sobbing is all for show. Why does he cry ?? Don't you think if he cared so much he'd turn those tears into actions ???
He's never going to commit. You deserve better.
beantrader · 20/01/2021 10:18
Omg does his name start with D are you dating my ex??
In reality I know you're not, but I've been with someone like this before. We were together a long time (a decade). I spent the last 4 of those going back and forth with him about commitment, and caught him texting other women multiple times.
Someone upthread said words are cheap and they are right. Men like this will also always need attention from other women to boost their ego.
I don't know what to tell you - my guy didn't change, got very emotional when I left him. We tried briefly to build back towards getting back together, but he was up to his same old shit the entire time.
Watermelon24 · 20/01/2021 10:30
It sounds like he was cheated on and it has really messed him up and made him scared to commit to someone else in case it happens again. It was probably very embarrassing for him and he wants to be the one talking to multiple women and in control this time around, instead of living with you and committing to you and you leaving him. It's sad but it's not your responsibility and you deserve to be happy and not involved in this.
Ncforthis1234567 · 20/01/2021 10:32
@beantrader No, but he sounds like yours. How did you extract yourself? I love his kids, get on with their Mum. I’ll lose his family as well. Feel awful and my head is hurting. I love him and am very attracted to him.
I can’t change who I am just to make him feel comfortable.
He was with his ex 10 years, married 4. It took him a long time and lots of break ups and getting back together until she put the foot down and insisted on marriage. Then had kids and fell out of love with him and cheated. I don’t judge her and feel like he’s repeating history.
Ncforthis1234567 · 20/01/2021 10:35
@Watermelon24 Yes, exactly that but how can I help him? I can’t tell you what happened recently but he put himself on the line for me and risked a lot for me and my family. (Nothing illegal btw but not something you’d do for someone except a very very close friend or family relation.)
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 20/01/2021 10:37
There seem to be a lot of these men out there that a find a successful single working mum and leech onto her. He is practically living with you already so you know its not you or your company that's the problem, its formalising it. And the big issue with formalising it, is paying and doing his fair share - seems to be the big stumbling block what a surprise (not). Dont let him carry on sponging (which he is) it will breed major resentment in you and even more disrespect on his behalf. Respect yourself and tell him how you expect to be treated. Him and his kids stop staying at yours until the situation is resolved to your satisfaction. But also honestly, a cheat is a cheat in my experience, and getting entangled with one is setting yourself up for a whole world of pain sooner or later...
BornIn78 · 20/01/2021 10:39
Very convenient for him that when he has his kids, he has them at your house. Pound to a penny you do all the food shopping, cleaning, washing, cooking for them.
Does he financially contribute given that he’s at yours “most days/nights”?
You are the woman who was willing to step in quickly and do his parenting for him, the others are where he gets his fun.
BornIn78 · 20/01/2021 10:44
Ah just read your PP - no he doesn’t contribute.
Well no wonder he won’t formally officially move in, he’s living with you already for the cost of the odd takeaway. Bargain!
VanGoghsDog · 20/01/2021 10:49
Why don’t you tell me you don’t want to be with me instead of going behind my back?
You don't need the answer to this, you know he doesn't want to be with you, the reason why is irrelevant.
Sadly, you need to move on. Ignore his crying, it's just manipulation.
C0NNIE · 20/01/2021 10:58
He keeps saying he loves me, wants to get married and be a family. But his actions speak differently. What do I do?
You listen to his actions. This is what his actions show -
He wants to stay casual, see other women, have the freedoms of a single man.
He wants his parents to pay the bills, provide a place to stay, feed him and wash his pants.
He wants you to parent his kids and keep his child support bills down, provide sex and fun, cook dinner, organise holidays, days out, weekends away.
And all for FREE!!! All he has to do is throw you a few scraps
“ I love you , want to get married, you are so great with my kids , so amazing, too good for me “.
Words are cheap. I will say all these words to you if you will come and pay my bills, do my housework and parent my horrible teenagers for free. And after a few years , if you threaten to leave, I’m sure I will cry.
Bluntness100 · 20/01/2021 10:59
Then he said he doesn’t have the money and when pressed he said he wanted to keep his independence. And that if we moved in together I might not like him as much and might dump home or get bored
You do know what he means by this is he might not like you so much or he might get bored. He just can’t say that. But he’s telling you why.
I just don’t get these threads. The only thing to do is accept it or end it. You can’t force a man to want to live with you. Only you can say if you want to accept it
He’s telling uou he has doubts. So he doesn’t want to commit at this stage. That’s all there is to it.
beantrader · 20/01/2021 11:06
@Ncforthis1234567 at the end of the day, you have to choose yourself because this man wants to keep his options open forever. I realised that really, nothing was going to change, and I was going to have to drag him through life to have even half of the life I wanted.
He even said to me after we broke up, when talking about commitment, the whys and wherefores, he said "babe you know I really have to be pushed into things before I do it" lol Jesus wasting my time all those years.
It's sad about his kids and family, but tbh you committed to them before he properly committed to you. Sorry if that's harsh. It will hurt to say goodbye, but you can't stay with him for them
FinallyHere · 20/01/2021 11:12
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh as my initial response, but the standout information is that he has had multiple partners. I do hope you have had regular STD tests.
I'm just confused by the He keeps saying he loves me, wants to get married and be a family but his actions say otherwise in the light of his long list of reasons for not moving in together.
As PPs spell out, he prefers a life where others pick up the tab and he can have some fun on the side.
As for why he cries, I'm guessing that he goes whatever he thinks will play best with you. He knows you are well educated so (perhaps unconsciously ) knows an eMotional appeal is his best bet to continue what you have to admit is a pretty cushy deal for him.
HappyFlamingo · 20/01/2021 11:41
OP, if I were you I would step back from this. He's said that he doesn't want to commit because he wants you to "enjoy each other". So take him at his word. Enjoying each other implies (to me) a more casual dating approach, not being so entwined with each other's kids, families, etc. So why not try that? Yes to having fun times together, no to a more serious relationship (doing his washing, him coming over with his kids for no particular reason - these are things you do in a committed relationship).
As other have pointed out it does sound like he is getting a very cushy deal at the moment (especially financially)! If he wants all that but doesn't want to commit, I think you need to withdraw some of it and go back a few steps. At the moment he wants to have his cake and eat it.
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