Advice please on DP - commitment issues - long post

[Ncforthis1234567]

Been seeing my DP for the last 2 years, known him for 3. Our children get along really well and his have said they love me and call me stepmum. Mine adore him and his parents and extended family have welcomed me so warmly, I feel really blessed.

Now to the actual issue.

In the first Year that we dated he seemed to lose interest about 3 month into casually dating and went a bit quiet. I let him go and said he needed to sort himself out and to come back if he did so. 2 months later he’s asking me out and we get along great, lots of nice activities taken together, weekends away, introduced the kids, Christmas together and it the Facebook official status. It was like he had made his mind up and I felt so happy.

Then I found out that in the early weeks of dating he’d had a one night stand, then when he went quiet on me he started seeing another girl and then had a another one night stand while he was seeing her, just dating around. He said he missed me and wanted to be with me and reached out again. Unbeknownst to me he kissed another woman and then kept chatting behind my back to one of his one night stands and to some other girl he’d never even met.

This is not about slating other women but these girls are very different from me. If that’s more his type then why keep coming back to me? I feel insecure about this.

I initially struggled with the infidelity and being deceived but I thought he’d made his mind up now and was running with his decision. In the initial stages of dating there can be overlaps and I am willing to accept that.

We had couples counselling and tried to just move forward. I struggled to forgive, I reminded him of his mistakes and things got more rocky.

We took some time out and then met again to see where we were both at. His kids said they had missed me and he was sobbing and begging me to give him a chance.

He’s not out a foot wrong this year. We’ve been on holiday and had days out and weekends away. He’s been a supportive partner and very open about his contacts. Nothing to suggest he wasn’t all in.

I then mentioned it would be nice to take the relationship further in the new year and move in together. He’s at mine most days/nights anyway. Sees his kids at mine and supports me with mine.

Since the divorce he’s been living at his parents.

When I said that he balked. He said he just wants us to „enjoy each other“. Then he said he doesn’t have the money and when pressed he said he wanted to keep his independence. And that if we moved in together I might not like him as much and might dump home or get bored. He’s then went on to say he’s afraid that if he jumps full in that if we don’t work out it will be his second failed relationship and “what will people say” (He divorced 3 years ago after she cheated on him with one of his mates.)

None of these things are rooted in facts. I have been loyal, never cheated, a family person who’s very loving and I‘m sure about my feelings for him.

Yesterday he said that he feels he has to tip-hoe around me, that I am so different from him. Highly educated, well off, very deep with my feelings and thoughts, very ambitious and strong-willed. That he feels he’s no match for me and that I might leave him for someone else. I felt hurt because I have never given him an idea that I wasn’t fully committed.

But I now feel that he’s not committed to me. I feel he wants me for my attractiveness and the perks of showing me off but not the rest of me.

I saw a message on his Facebook to another woman (just like he used to message these other girls - starting to chat) but when I said „Why don’t you tell me you don’t want to be with me instead of going behind my back?“ He’s now deleted it. I feel bad for snooping but something felt off and he has form. Please don’t flame me.

He keeps saying he loves me, wants to get married and be a family. But his actions speak differently. What do I do?

Please be gentle with me, I am having a rough time. One of my closest friends died of cancer very recently and I feel I have no one to talk to.

PS this is who he is. Don’t think it’s you. He’ll be like this with the next woman too.

It's just another red flag, he will use this as an excuse for future indiscretions, 'I didn't feel good enough for you', 'I just needed to feel better about myself'. The crying is emotional manipulation to deflect from the conversation at hand. I bet all talk of contributions stopped at that point?

You’re into the sunk cost fallacy here. Basically you think if you give up on him you’ve “wasted” two years and (I suspect) would find it embarrassing. But really wherever you go from here that 2 years has passed. The real question is whether you want to spend any more of your life on him. And to me that would be a screaming no.

@MiniTheMinx There is more. Can I message you privately? OMG how do you know this?? It’s so accurate

@AtLeastPretendToCare Yes I feel I want to ammortise on what I have invested. Am I wrong to give him time?

He chooses girls he perceives to be “beneath” him and uses them. It sits so badly with me.

Sits badly?

He's abusive and it "sits badly"?

You want a man like that round your kids? You say you're a feminist?

Hmm.....sorry, you need to give your head a wobble.

Do you think that’s abusive? It’s exploitative maybe but I think there is a difference to abuse. These women were willing participants. All of them adults with their own hopes and dreams.

He’s certainly not abusive to my kids. He’s nervous around kissing or more around my kids. I’ve just noticed a pattern and I’m seeking answers but I do not fear or worry about my kids. His issue is adult related.

[quote Ncforthis1234567]@AtLeastPretendToCare Yes I feel I want to ammortise on what I have invested. Am I wrong to give him time?[/quote]
Honestly? I think you need to give your head a wobble. He isn’t a FTSE company whose stock price has been dragged down by market movements that will recover. This is a middle aged man who treats you, and other women, badly and is manipulative. He isn’t going to suddenly see the error of his ways and start treating you how you deserve. If you think that you’re going to see a return on your investment here you’re sadly mistaken and are instead throwing good money (time) after bad.

Ncforthis1234567
Yes of course that's fine

It sounds like he's projecting his feelings onto you.

I don't think he's certain about your relationship. Deep down it doesn't sound like he really loves you, it sounds like it's an easy relationship for him and he's using it to feel secure, meanwhile keeping his options open.

You're worth more than that. A solid relationship should by now be moving forwards with both people wanting that. I know the kids would be hurt but better move on now than continue to get cheated on and only to break up later.

Am I wrong to give him time? I think it depends what you mean by this. You don't necessarily need to break up with him right now if you're happy with things as they are and can accept that he doesn't want to fully commit. But if by 'giving him more time' you're expecting him to change and become someone different, then you are almost certain to be disappointed. These things are usually pretty deep rooted.

Giving him time shouldn't = continuing to do everything you currently do for him and his kids. Otherwise that's just him having his cake and eating it. Step back from all the providing meals, child hosting stuff and stay open to the other bits of the relationship, and see what happens.

He's not attracted to plus size ladies because they're below him or vulnerable. He's attracted to them because he finds big women beautiful, but he's too vain and self-obsessed to be seen with them in public.

I've experienced this several times. Blokes who can't get enough of my big fat arse, then complain to me that they can't be in a relationship with someone whose physical image won't fit in with their twatty mates 😒 Bye Felipe!

Get shot of this loser OP, you can honestly do so much better.

Even if you were to force his hand into moving in, you'll be constantly waiting for him to find someone "better" and move on. You are his "she'll do for now" option - and you've been making that so easy for him. Get yourself off the merry go round. Use this as a learning experience of your needs and wants in a committed relationship in the future, with someone who wants to be committed to you. 🌸

@Ncforthis1234567

He’s certainly not abusive to my kids. He’s nervous around kissing or more around my kids. I’ve just noticed a pattern and I’m seeking answers but I do not fear or worry about my kids. His issue is adult related.

Sorry, I don't understand your point?

Adults can be abused. This is, as you say, nothing to do with your kids.

He's approaching women with an intent to lead them on and take advantage of them. Of course that is abusive.

And whatever word you prefer to use - let's be clear, it's vile misogynistic behavior and personally I'd be making a very big space between me and him.

On whether you want him around your kids, I didn't mean as a risk of abuse, I meant as an example. This is not how good person behaves.

So sorry about your friend OP

Honestly, having followed all of your updates, I can't help but think this is doomed, this man is just not who you want him to be. He's spent his entire life following the same pattern and he's not going to have some sort of personal epiphany and become Mr Committed / Dependable now.

He sounds really quite tedious, a bit manipulative and very emotionally immature and you sound switched on and intelligent, except, it seems, where this man is concerned. You seem to be experiencing some sort of cognitive dissonance.

I think deep down you probably know this isn't right and he won't give you what you want and that's in part due to how physically attracted to him you are, so you're struggling to accept reality. Physical attraction can be very mind-fucking - we tell ourselves we'll never feel like this about anyone again, so cling on (all not true obviously).

On another note, do you really want to invest all of your time psychoanalysing him? The whole thing looking at his past, his upbringing, etc? As interesting as it might be to understand 'why', it's not going to change anything and just allows you to place yourself in a role where you're trying to 'fix' him.

@VanGoghsDog I see what you mean now! It’s the fact that he is engaging with women knowing his own true intentions but portraying something different to them. Good point.

Sorry, I had a bit of a wobble this morning. Had a memory pop up on my Facebook from a few year‘s ago and I can’t believe she is gone
I’ll never pick up the phone again to hear her voice or walk towards her in a bar.. Just hits me sometimes.

Thank you for all the kind replies.

I think I have so much going on, I’m just hurting all over. I can be fine - just a bit quiet and then it hits me..

@HappyFlamingo Yes, I suspect it is a deep seated issue that goes back to his childhood. I can’t explain why because it’s too personal but he didn’t grow up with his Dad.

@Cockenspiel Thank you! Yes, I know so am asking why, why, why - when in reality sometimes you can’t explain how you feel. So many senses come together to form a view or sentiment of another person. I think I could deal better with it if he just said he wasn’t feeling it..

@Ncforthis1234567

* It took him a long time and lots of break ups and getting back together until she put the foot down and insisted on marriage. Then had kids and fell out of love with him and cheated. I don’t judge her and feel like he’s repeating history.*
This doesn't sound like a man who wants commitment I'm afraid, OP. I wonder what relationship he had with his Ex within the marriage and before they split up?

It sounds like you pretty much have your own life sorted out without him, and I'm be wary of getting more entangled in this relationship - especially as you have your own children who would be affected, including financially, if things didn't work out for you. 🌹

I think they had both mutually checked out. She did her own thing and he did his.