Advice please on DP - commitment issues - long post

[Ncforthis1234567]

Been seeing my DP for the last 2 years, known him for 3. Our children get along really well and his have said they love me and call me stepmum. Mine adore him and his parents and extended family have welcomed me so warmly, I feel really blessed.

Now to the actual issue.

In the first Year that we dated he seemed to lose interest about 3 month into casually dating and went a bit quiet. I let him go and said he needed to sort himself out and to come back if he did so. 2 months later he’s asking me out and we get along great, lots of nice activities taken together, weekends away, introduced the kids, Christmas together and it the Facebook official status. It was like he had made his mind up and I felt so happy.

Then I found out that in the early weeks of dating he’d had a one night stand, then when he went quiet on me he started seeing another girl and then had a another one night stand while he was seeing her, just dating around. He said he missed me and wanted to be with me and reached out again. Unbeknownst to me he kissed another woman and then kept chatting behind my back to one of his one night stands and to some other girl he’d never even met.

This is not about slating other women but these girls are very different from me. If that’s more his type then why keep coming back to me? I feel insecure about this.

I initially struggled with the infidelity and being deceived but I thought he’d made his mind up now and was running with his decision. In the initial stages of dating there can be overlaps and I am willing to accept that.

We had couples counselling and tried to just move forward. I struggled to forgive, I reminded him of his mistakes and things got more rocky.

We took some time out and then met again to see where we were both at. His kids said they had missed me and he was sobbing and begging me to give him a chance.

He’s not out a foot wrong this year. We’ve been on holiday and had days out and weekends away. He’s been a supportive partner and very open about his contacts. Nothing to suggest he wasn’t all in.

I then mentioned it would be nice to take the relationship further in the new year and move in together. He’s at mine most days/nights anyway. Sees his kids at mine and supports me with mine.

Since the divorce he’s been living at his parents.

When I said that he balked. He said he just wants us to „enjoy each other“. Then he said he doesn’t have the money and when pressed he said he wanted to keep his independence. And that if we moved in together I might not like him as much and might dump home or get bored. He’s then went on to say he’s afraid that if he jumps full in that if we don’t work out it will be his second failed relationship and “what will people say” (He divorced 3 years ago after she cheated on him with one of his mates.)

None of these things are rooted in facts. I have been loyal, never cheated, a family person who’s very loving and I‘m sure about my feelings for him.

Yesterday he said that he feels he has to tip-hoe around me, that I am so different from him. Highly educated, well off, very deep with my feelings and thoughts, very ambitious and strong-willed. That he feels he’s no match for me and that I might leave him for someone else. I felt hurt because I have never given him an idea that I wasn’t fully committed.

But I now feel that he’s not committed to me. I feel he wants me for my attractiveness and the perks of showing me off but not the rest of me.

I saw a message on his Facebook to another woman (just like he used to message these other girls - starting to chat) but when I said „Why don’t you tell me you don’t want to be with me instead of going behind my back?“ He’s now deleted it. I feel bad for snooping but something felt off and he has form. Please don’t flame me.

He keeps saying he loves me, wants to get married and be a family. But his actions speak differently. What do I do?

Please be gentle with me, I am having a rough time. One of my closest friends died of cancer very recently and I feel I have no one to talk to.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh as my initial response, but the standout information is that he has had multiple partners. I do hope you have had regular STD tests

For goodness sake, there is nothing to suggest he’s cheating on her now.

Do not marry this man. You shouldnt WANT to marry this man.

He is leeching off you, you have stated you are well off, he has everything to gain and you have everything to lose.
He will marry you, cheat on you again, leave you and want a financial settlement.

Take that off the table immediately as your goal here. Please!!

Telling you that he wants what you want is easy. He can do that even if he doesn't want what you want.
What would be difficult is actually doing what you want, whilst not wanting what you want.
The saying "Actions really do speak louder then words" was created with women like yourself in mind.

@C0NNIE 😂😂 I hear you. It’s just not filtered down to my heart yet. It’s clear when I had a word with him about his lack of contributing and lack of commitment he chose to tap up another woman. Fresh start until she sees through him.

He's insecure, OP, and always will be. While in his head he can rationalise why you're a good partner for him (and his kids), his heart doesn't feel it. And never will - hence the constant infidelity, and refusal to commit. I'm sorry - but this man just doesn't want a future with you despite what he says.

You make his life comfortable - he has no incentive to leave you. Especially if he can play behind your back. He will drag this on as long as he can till he meets someone he wants to commit to.

Please walk away - someone can like you, your company, enjoy having sex with you, and even show affection - none of that means they want to spend the rest of their life with you. He's shown you mutiple times that he won't commit to you. Whether you stay or not, and allow him to carry on wasting your time is a decision you need to make.

I wouldn't pay attention to crocodile tears - that is his own self pity, and also he knows it will make you softer towards him. He sounds fairly manipulative tbh so take anything he says with a pinch of salt.

He is definitely not cheating with anyone now. I’m all enmeshed in his life. His friends, family and kids. It is just the way he picked the girl up on social media to chat when he felt I was giving him a hard time about the current issue with commitment and finances.

From all your comments I feel like I look desperate in his eyes. Someone who would accept so much for little in return.

I do agree he is messed up and scared of making another mistake. He was very hurt and embarrassed by how his marriage ended and devastated at losing his family unit.

We are both in our mid 30s and I offered him the love and stability of a new start. He’s not ready or he would have at least tried.

Yes @BibbityBobbety 💯 And I’m so glad I came here and asked for advice as I don’t have that in RL right now.

Any relationship that needs counselling within the first 2 years isn't one you should be in.

You are convenient for him and comfortable but don't mistake that for love. You deserve more.

"the way he picked the girl up on social media to chat when he felt I was giving him a hard time about the current issue with commitment and finances"

Cheating / seeking external attention is his coping mechanism perhaps? That bodes very badly for the future.

I dont trust people who blame the entirety of their marriage breakdown on their ex. Its never true and even worse shows they havent changed a bit, so whatever happened is likely to happen again.

The thing is with people who are happy to take and not reciprocate, is that give them an inch and they want a mile. The only way is to not give an inch, but then of course you are stuck in a relationship with someone you dont trust and have to constantly watch and manage that they are not taking advantage.

everything that PP have said lovey - he's not doing any of the things you want him to because he just doesnt want to. He has all he wants, why would he change it?

also you know you cant fix him right? you say he's insecure because of past relationships etc and I get the feeling you think that if you just loved him enough and keep on proving over and over that you love him, he'd magically all be OK and he wont

you sound amazing - dont waste your time on this guy. He doesnt want what you want and that's OK but you need to find someone who does

He keeps coming back to you because he knows you'll take him back and you're a nice back up option to have while he keeps an eye out for the type of woman he REALLY wants. It's not complicated at all - it's you who's refusing to see it and wants to make your own life difficult. Men treat you with the same level as respect as you treat yourself. Either leave him or accept being his back up option.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
He also knows you really do have "victim here/doormat" written on your forehead.

Always be a priority rather than an option. With this individual you are an option, a nice and cushy option. You have a choice re this man; your children here do not.

Is this really the model that you want to teach them about relationships?. What are they learning here?.

Your own boundaries, perhaps already skewed by poor past experiences , are still almost at floor level and will furthermore be messed up by this individual.

You were targeted by this man and deliberately so; he is a master manipulator who has played you here like a violin. He will never commit to you; this man only is out for his own self and what he can from women.

I feel like I could have wrote this. I've caught my boyfriend messaging other women, twice. He's been treated badly in the past, and is extremely insecure. Im finding it so hard to trust him, I feel like he's always seeking attention elsewhere and it's horrible. I have no advice unfortunately because I actually feel like an idiot :/ but just so you know you are not alone.

He is definitely not cheating with anyone now. I’m all enmeshed in his life. His friends, family and kids. It is just the way he picked the girl up on social media to chat when he felt I was giving him a hard time about the current issue with commitment and finances.

But "picking up a girl on sm" IS cheating. Well, it would be to me.

"We are both in our mid 30s and I offered him the love and stability of a new start. He’s not ready or he would have at least tried."

Sadly this looks like the situation.

OP please don't waste any more of your life on someone who is so half-hearted - you deserve better that this.

I am not a doormat in my job and general life.

I don’t know why I am so desperate for his love.
It’s like I know he could be the one if... but that’s not the reality. I’m good on paper so suppose and it hurts me that he doesn’t love me back. I know how pathetic that sounds but it’s the truth.

So what do I do? If I block him he shows up on my doorstep. He sends flowers and cards. I will also miss his lovely kids and family. Just feel like crying really. Basically wasted 2 years of my life and only got a broken heart to show for it.

Well don't be like me and waste ten love!

It's sad. Break ups are sad. Realising he's not the man you thought he was is sad.

You say if you block him he will show up at your door. Well if he does tell him to leave or you will call the police. If he sends cards etc don't look at them throw them in the bin.

I understand that it's hard..believe me I do. But if you want to be with this man, he won't change and you'll have to accept no commitment and texting other women. If you don't want that, then you need to go through the hard part for a couple of months, and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner

Tell him its make or break, he either starts financially covering his side fully, and ensuring he lightens your load not adds to it. Otherwise its over, cause it is really, there's no future otherwise. The cheating business more tricky and probably not solvable unfortunately. But you can give it another go for a while and see if he steps up. Might as well, not like you can date in lockdown. But definitely no more sponging and firm boundaries from you - its good practice.

You are only mid 30s, you already have your DC and your home etc. Dont feel like it was a waste. It was what it was, it made you happy until it didnt. You have so much time and everything going for you, everything will be ok.

The man you want him to be is a figment of your imagination.

What youve actually got is a repeated cheater who freeloads.

The enmeshment with his family is neither here nor there. HE should have thought about that and shows a clear selfishness on his part both with his family and his children - introducing you only to effectively shit on you repeatidly.

Im not sure what youre waiting for, but he isnt what you imagine he is, thats just your fantasy. Truly interested men dont chat to random women on social media and continue to cast their net once they find 'the one'. Its just not a thing. And you know that but youre not listening.

I would tell him straight that you are ready to move on with the relationship and that it is make or break time after two years. That he either decides to commit, moves in and pays half his way - or you will wish him all the best and you'll go your separate ways. Tell him that you are looking for a life partner to share things with, and if he's not ready that is fine. But you will be moving on to look for someone else who is.

It's not issuing an ultimatum - it's drawing a line in the sand and saying this is what I need now. If you can't or won't provide it that is fine, and absolutely your prerogative. But it is then my prerogative to decide that the relationship no longer provides what I need and I will end it.

I would bet it was him who cheated on his ex-wife not her. People don't just become cheating arseholes over night.

He is one big self-serving lie.

@Shoxfordian

I’m so sorry about your friend

He’s cheated on you, it sounds fairly consistently and at the first sign of commitment he runs. These are not the actions of a man who wants to be with you or marry you. Dump him, you can do much better than this half hearted commitment

Agreed 100% - the cheating on you more than once I'd be livid about - I think once i might just about get over (but even then i'd be livid).

He is a commitment phobe. Run.

So what do I do?

Start a conversation tonight about him paying his way.

Tell him he is already living with you so he must start paying immediately, by going to the nearest cash machine right now, or getting on to his online banking right now, and give you £250, to keep you going for a few days while you figure out how much he owes you for the time he’s already lived with you, and how much he will need to pay going forward.

I guarantee he’ll start an argument, or start crying again, or come up with some bullshit story about how he can’t because blah blah blah... anything to deflect from him actually having to pay up.

At which point you ask for your key back and tell him to gather all his stuff and fuck off.

I have asked him. I made it clear. Then he came out with the excuses in my original post.

On and he said: “I will come and find you when I’ve sorted myself out”.

Yes the FMH hasn’t been sold but he earns enough money to say give me £200-300 each month.

He then broke down and sobbed on my chest like a baby. It was quite raw, I think he feels guilt not being there for his kids more or giving me anything that he could give to them.

But in reality what he doesn’t pay me he is taking from a single mum and my children!! I actually feel a bit angry now that you have all pointed that out.

Yes @MorbidPodcastFan Can you put that in capitals and smack me in the face with it?!

@BornIn78That’s exactly what happened! Not an argument but the crying. The begging, the writing notes and busing flowers.

He didn’t cheat on his ex. We spoke and she said he didn’t and it was her fault but she had moved on and neither was feeling it anymore. She said he wasn’t good with having open conversations and it did her head in - she was sympathetic.