Advice please on DP - commitment issues - long post

[Ncforthis1234567]

Been seeing my DP for the last 2 years, known him for 3. Our children get along really well and his have said they love me and call me stepmum. Mine adore him and his parents and extended family have welcomed me so warmly, I feel really blessed.

Now to the actual issue.

In the first Year that we dated he seemed to lose interest about 3 month into casually dating and went a bit quiet. I let him go and said he needed to sort himself out and to come back if he did so. 2 months later he’s asking me out and we get along great, lots of nice activities taken together, weekends away, introduced the kids, Christmas together and it the Facebook official status. It was like he had made his mind up and I felt so happy.

Then I found out that in the early weeks of dating he’d had a one night stand, then when he went quiet on me he started seeing another girl and then had a another one night stand while he was seeing her, just dating around. He said he missed me and wanted to be with me and reached out again. Unbeknownst to me he kissed another woman and then kept chatting behind my back to one of his one night stands and to some other girl he’d never even met.

This is not about slating other women but these girls are very different from me. If that’s more his type then why keep coming back to me? I feel insecure about this.

I initially struggled with the infidelity and being deceived but I thought he’d made his mind up now and was running with his decision. In the initial stages of dating there can be overlaps and I am willing to accept that.

We had couples counselling and tried to just move forward. I struggled to forgive, I reminded him of his mistakes and things got more rocky.

We took some time out and then met again to see where we were both at. His kids said they had missed me and he was sobbing and begging me to give him a chance.

He’s not out a foot wrong this year. We’ve been on holiday and had days out and weekends away. He’s been a supportive partner and very open about his contacts. Nothing to suggest he wasn’t all in.

I then mentioned it would be nice to take the relationship further in the new year and move in together. He’s at mine most days/nights anyway. Sees his kids at mine and supports me with mine.

Since the divorce he’s been living at his parents.

When I said that he balked. He said he just wants us to „enjoy each other“. Then he said he doesn’t have the money and when pressed he said he wanted to keep his independence. And that if we moved in together I might not like him as much and might dump home or get bored. He’s then went on to say he’s afraid that if he jumps full in that if we don’t work out it will be his second failed relationship and “what will people say” (He divorced 3 years ago after she cheated on him with one of his mates.)

None of these things are rooted in facts. I have been loyal, never cheated, a family person who’s very loving and I‘m sure about my feelings for him.

Yesterday he said that he feels he has to tip-hoe around me, that I am so different from him. Highly educated, well off, very deep with my feelings and thoughts, very ambitious and strong-willed. That he feels he’s no match for me and that I might leave him for someone else. I felt hurt because I have never given him an idea that I wasn’t fully committed.

But I now feel that he’s not committed to me. I feel he wants me for my attractiveness and the perks of showing me off but not the rest of me.

I saw a message on his Facebook to another woman (just like he used to message these other girls - starting to chat) but when I said „Why don’t you tell me you don’t want to be with me instead of going behind my back?“ He’s now deleted it. I feel bad for snooping but something felt off and he has form. Please don’t flame me.

He keeps saying he loves me, wants to get married and be a family. But his actions speak differently. What do I do?

Please be gentle with me, I am having a rough time. One of my closest friends died of cancer very recently and I feel I have no one to talk to.

"He was with his ex 10 years, married 4. It took him a long time and lots of break ups and getting back together until she put the foot down and insisted on marriage. "

It wasn't any episode of cheating that gave him commitment issues, he's always had them.

Yes @StormTreader so what do I do. Put my foot down or accept he’s never going to pull through. I feel less of a woman for “making” a man be with me. I’d like to be wanted and appreciated.

It's time to stop hoping he'll become a different person. He won't. He's unfaithful and unreliable. End it and move on.

You say if you block him he will show up at your door.

Thank goodness you got that lock installed for you door. Just blank him out of your life. The family and friends are no substitute for a decent partner.

I'm afraid you would need to harden your heart to him while you really regret having to block him he will keep trying. It's worked pretty well so far. Once he knows that you have moved in, you will be surprised at how fast he moves on.

Sorry.

@FinallyHere Yes, I think you’re right. 😥

I think if you were to marry you would get the 'ick' really fast.

For heavens sake walk away, who needs this shit in their life.

Please google trauma bond and dopamine addiction I would if this isn't why you can't let go. It's almost like you're addicted to him

A man who loves you will move heaven and earth to be with you and treat you with respect. This guy is having it all his own way and you've given him far too much for far to little he's got it all for free

@freeingNora Never heard of it before. I will. I’m not usually a doormat in my life. I try and help whenever I can. I feel terrible for him and it triggers something in me when I see him in pain. But yes, I understand I can’t make him love me and choose me. I can only decide my own responses. I believe he has been hurt but I don’t get why he doesn’t want to be free to make his own choices. I understand what people have said and I am an easy option. I provide, I am a nurturing person at heart and would give my last shirt for my friends. I’m just taken aback that a man would be so callous and use this soft spot. After all I had been married for a long time and not dated much. When I used to come across men they didn’t “milk” women.

@idontknowaboutmortgages That’s what his ex said she got with him - in a nice way. Maybe she was warning me. I don’t know I liked her and don’t want to involve her.

Honestly I get that you love him, and love isn't rational. You can't logic your way out of having feelings for someone, but you can refuse to accept less than you deserve, and you deserve so much more. He definitely isn't on the same page as you comittment-wise. As a matter of fact he has a bloody good thing going doesn't he? Cook, cleaner and housemaid who will help him take care of his kids and pay the bills and all he has to do is shell out for a bit of shopping or a takeaway every now and again? Can I move in too? All joking aside he may have feelings for you, but that sobbing fit screams to me of a man that knows he has a good thing going and wants to manipulate you into not taking it away from him. You may loose the relationship with his family and kids but would you rather go through the pain of that now or 10 years down the line when they are really engrained into your life? Tell him its over, lock your door and refuse the flowers. More time spent wasted with him is time you are depriving yourself of with someone who is right for you, loves you and doesn't treat you like a cash cow.

You said. L
‘but how can I help him?‘

Often said on here but no less true.

You are not a rehabilitation center for, broken humans.

@HappyFlamingo

OP, if I were you I would step back from this. He's said that he doesn't want to commit because he wants you to "enjoy each other". So take him at his word. Enjoying each other implies (to me) a more casual dating approach, not being so entwined with each other's kids, families, etc. So why not try that? Yes to having fun times together, no to a more serious relationship (doing his washing, him coming over with his kids for no particular reason - these are things you do in a committed relationship).

As other have pointed out it does sound like he is getting a very cushy deal at the moment (especially financially)! If he wants all that but doesn't want to commit, I think you need to withdraw some of it and go back a few steps. At the moment he wants to have his cake and eat it.

This. Back off for now, don't keep catering for him and doing childcare. He's taking all this for granted.

@xsamix86 😂 I know I know. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@BillMasheen Thank you, I am a bit like that. Took every wounded animal home and am always a bit soft in my personal life. I think his rejection makes me try harder because I perceive it to be pain rather than not wanting me.

Can I ask, what is his mother like? what sort of relationship does he have with her? and is she a warm nurturing person? Does he have siblings? and you mention something in your first post about 'other women' being very different to you. In what way were the other women he was talking to so different to you? Please don't think I will judge you if you are honest and say how and in what way the women were different. I am just interested to now because it might explain his behaviour.

know not now!

@MiniTheMinx His Mum is very warm and nurturing but v judgmental. His Dad was away for most of the time (military) and not around. He’s learnt to hide behaviour that might not be appreciated. So he keeps it hidden and lies or brushes under the carpet what he perceives people don’t want to see.

The other girls are different and don’t get this wrong. They are all lovely in their own right but he is v for and active. They are all a bit out of shape (Not obese but not like him and me: trim and really into fitness) Just lovely human beings who are all single mums not asking too much for fear of upsetting a potentially desirable male. Classic prey behaviour. I dislike that he picked up women who would naturally susceptible to his attention and he used them. I am a huge feminist. None of them have a good education, two are foreign abs struggle to spell English words. I find that really weird. It’s definitely a pattern. He chooses girls he perceives to be “beneath” him and uses them. It sits so badly with me. I hold a tertiary education and am part of the country set. I don’t feel proud of that, it’s just who I am. He obviously aspires to that - I have taken him to a country ball and he told me when he was drunk that he would understand if I left him for one of the attending men “because they are more type“.

He is very fit. Sorry typo

He said that if he saw a guy in a Range Rover he would think that this is more my type. He couldn’t be more wrong. I didn’t come from anything much. I worked hard for what I have but he is being decisively weird about it.

That comes across as if he wants to be able to walk away if he chooses, but he is really uncomfortable with feeling like he's the bad guy, so he keeps harking back to this 'you're too good for me, you can do so much better' line so that he can spin any split as being for your benefit really, not because he's shallow or commitment shy.

Yes @Butterymuffin he’s obsessed with not being the bad guy or upsetting anyone.

@Butterymuffin I don’t know what that means personality wise though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you. He doesn't feel worthy. He felt judged by the first woman he loved and sought acceptance from, his mother. The other women are not attractive to him because they are beneath him, or you or anyone else, but because he thinks they are not above him. They will accept him because they are not out of his league. He didn't want to commit to his wife but once he got over the fear and did, it was she who cheated, thus proving to him that he is not worthy.

All of that said, you can't fix him. He is scared to commit and talks to other women because at least in his mind his secret flirting gives him the upper hand, makes him feel less vulnerable to the rejection from you that he believes will ultimately happen. Its also a bit sadistic on his part because it probably also is about him trying to even the original hurt he felt as a child. If he successfully gains the positive attention of another woman he gets to undermine his mother's judgment of him. An alternative is that subconsciously he wants you to find out about his deceit or find his failings so you too will punish him and judge him. My ex was like this, not cheating but silly lies, and in 15 years he never changed. It just got tedious after a while.

I think you deserve better. Understanding someone doesn't mean you can fix them. They just break you too eventually.

wow he’s super, super insecure.

you only want him because you can’t have him - guaranteed. as someone said, if you were to move in and marry, you’d get the ick pretty quickly.

I’ve been where you are and you can logic yourself out of this. He’s really not a good partner or a decent human being. You know this.

He’s definitely manipulative.

When you’re ready and strong enough, say goodbye to this man - he’s not all that. Not someone who has your back and will move heaven and earth for you. That’s what you should need and want for you and your family