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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affairs, Why Do They Happen?

276 replies

TwinkleStar88 · 18/01/2021 23:35

Hi,
I’m not sure why I’m writing this but maybe I’m looking for clarity with regards to the reasons behind affairs.
Within the last few years many family members/friends/colleagues have either been involved in affairs, or have been the victim of an affair. Whether this is emotional/physical it’s very much happening. My SIL also was involved in an affair over a year ago, which shocked all of us, very happy marriage on the outside, a beautiful home, two children, no money worries, a supportive husband etc and I’ve never really worked out why she did it, she seemed happy but clearly wasn’t happy, is it possible to have an affair and still be happy, or is an affair a symptom of an unhappy marriage?
I worked in an office many years ago with a few of the males openly admitting to ‘having fun on the side!’ Again, they had children, even photos of their family on their work desk.
As time has gone by I am seeing this more and more, it’s often highlighted on this thread many times too.
Why do so many seemingly happy people have affairs? Is it unhappiness, boredom? The need to feel wanted by more than one person?
This has also made me question my marriage and wonder if it could happen to me! Totally unreasonable I know!

OP posts:
greybluegreen · 18/01/2021 23:57

They're selfish OP. It's not really more simple than that. They can dress it up all they like but the majority of affairs are because they put their needs and wants above others. They feel entitled and they have no respect for themselves or their relationship.

A friend of mine used to run around shagging everyone's boyfriend and eventually split up a marriage because she wanted to feel powerful and more attractive than their partners. She was a fucking arsehole.

Fudgsicles · 19/01/2021 00:04

I disagree with the above. I think they happen because people are unhappy in their relationships but for various reasons, haven't ended it then they acted on it when someone else came along. All affairs I've known of have been for exactly the same reasons, their relationship had issues that weren't being addressed.

From what I've read on here as well, a lot of people settle and a lot are in sexless relationships which is usually intolerable to the partner/spouse. People can kid themselves all they like that they don't have to have sex, which they don't of course, but then they expect their partner to remain faithful. Sorry, unlikely to happen.

I think very few people have affairs who are in happy in fulfilling relationships. And the partner/spouse who were so surprised by it were kidding themselves when they didn't see any issues.

That's my take anyway. Which won't be a common one on here.

DeeCeeCherry · 19/01/2021 00:05

Human beings aren't akin to swans, mating for life and never looking 'on the outside'. It's rare that happens. Doesn't mean your H will have an affair though.

But still, most of the men I know of who messed around, stopped because they got older and couldn't be bothered anymore. So they were happy to settle with one, at their homely stage.

Men don't necessarily have to be unhappy at home, in order to cheat. Most are good at separating sex from love and emotion.

Women tend to cheat because they're unhappy in relationship for some reason. Wanting financial stability and family home for children, means mostly they won't leave and . will just have an affair long-term as opposed to chopping and changing.

TossCointoYerWitcher · 19/01/2021 00:50

I'm going to both agree and disagree with the two posters above. Traditionally women were less likely to cheat. However, times have changed. Whilst we still have some way to go to achieve true gender equality, things have shifted enough that women are now beginning to show similar behaviour regarding fidelity - in other words, having more affairs - at least according to this survey in 2018: www.bustle.com/p/millennial-women-are-cheating-more-than-millennial-men-a-new-survey-finds-7873841

To sum it up, whilst in older generations (e.g. the Boomers) women cheated less than men, Millenial women actually cheated more - albeit only by 1% or so, so it was pretty much equal. Even so, this shows a major shift and overturns traditional assumptions about genders. Women appear to be just as able to cheat as men and it might simply be that what repressed this previously was actually opportunity (harder to cheat when your confined to the house and there was no internet) and social pressure ("good" women don't do that sort of thing).

From my own anecdotal experience, many of the women I have known have cheated because there was something they were unhappy with. In most cases, however, this wasn't something the man was responsible for directly. One was desperate to have children and they were struggling to concieve. She admitted to me later that she thinks she wouldn;t have cheated if they'd have been able to have a child easily. In a way it was an exit affair, so she could have a kid more easily with someone else.

With a few others it was usually after having kids and feeling life was dull. They'd expected marriage and kids to be a Disney movie, full of endless sparkles. And then they hit the point a lot of middle-aged men do, when you'd had the kids and been together a decade and thought "is that all there is?" All of them had a good sex life. All of them were still getting on well with their husbands. All of them , though, were fed up of school runs and home finances and responsibilities - even when their husbands were doing their bit - and fantasised about going back to their pre-parenting days when they could get swept up in a wild, new romance and run off on holiday on a whim.

Shirley Glass makes this point in her book "Not Just Friends" (for the record she was a relationship counsellor who also became baffled at how many of the couples she was counselling had, essentially, happy marriages and yet had still experienced infidelity, so began to research why this might be). The crux of it is that some people turn to cheating as form of escapism when life sometimes gets tough - e.g. when a partner gets very ill or small kids are involved - the same way some people might turn to drink or eat too much.

The idea that it's always the fault of the cheated-on partner is, I think, a comforting myth. If we tell ourselves this we can also say "so long as I don't do anything wrong myself, I won't get cheated upon". But Shirley Glass' research shows that it is a myth, by-and-large. A colleague's husband serially cheated on her after she fought cancer. The fact he found this a drag, and chose to ease his stress by sleeping with other women, has nothing to do with her failing to meet his needs and everything to do with his own method of self-medicating in a time of mutual stress.

Baws · 19/01/2021 01:24

@Fudgsicles
Totally agree. MN is full of posters with serious relationships issues but try suggesting that as a reason for the affair and you’ll be attacked! It can’t be that, it’s the predatory OW going around breaking up happy marriages and stealing poor innocent husbands. I’ve never met someone in real life who believes that but I’ve seen it far too many times on here!
My ex had affairs, partly because he was an entitled twat but also because our marriage was shit for many years.

TossCointoYerWitcher · 19/01/2021 01:39

@Baws was your marriage shit because he was an entitled twat though? If so, maybe it’s true people don’t cheat in healthy relationships, but the reason they’re unhealthy is because one partner is an entitled, would-be cheat and the other’s someone who’s codependent? After all, despite knowing your relationship was shit you didn’t cheat...

Normalmumandwife · 19/01/2021 02:09

I used to be pretty judgemental about this but have mellowed. Combination of experiences of friends and also reading on MN.

Some people are just serial cheats, prob more men but not exclusively. But some are in marriages whereby there is either no sex or extremely infrequently for various reasons and I don't think you can under estimate how corrosive that is to a marriage over time. Wrong as it is, one party looks for solace and intimacy elsewhere although the morally right thing to do first is leave. I saw it happen with some friends of ours but the husband did the right thing and left without having an affair and waiting a couple of years before starting a new relationship for the children's sake.

rawlikesushi · 19/01/2021 05:27

I read a study once that said the number one predictor of an affair was 'opportunity'.

If true, it's quite depressing to think that some people are only monogamous because they don't get the chance to cheat.

I suppose people embarking on affairs must be unhappy, or think that they are anyway, in a sort of 'grass is greener' way.

Sometimes they fancy someone or feel a connection and convince themselves that they're unhappy to justify their shit behaviour.

Sometimes they're experiencing boredom or the natural 'ups and downs' of a long relationship but don't tell their partner, seek counselling or try to sort it out, they just focus all of their energy and attention into the affair, making the primary relationship even worse.

Often, if found out, they appreciate what they had after all and beg forgiveness.

Onthedunes · 19/01/2021 06:21

Because some people are never satisfied.

SarahBellam · 19/01/2021 06:43

Because they are getting something they’re not getting at home, even if the marriage is happy. It could be attention, someone thinking you’re amazing, the excitement of sex with a new person, all sorts of reasons. It’s also incredibly selfish, risk taking behaviour with potentially catastrophic consequences.

tolerable · 19/01/2021 06:50

cos people,esspecially cnuts arent honest

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 19/01/2021 06:56

Some great TED talks on this topic - but specifically google "Rethinking Infidelity" TED talk by Esther Perel.

She's a relationship therapist & the whole talk is worth listening to, but about 9 mins in she explains why, in her view, some partners in apparently happy marriages cheat.

Ricebubbles2 · 19/01/2021 07:17

Ego
Many partners withhold sex or use to control partner.
Tinder & other such apps
Self confidence
Freedom/ Expression
Players and messed up souls or relationships
Staying together for the children when the relationship is a sham
Assets and finianical impact of divorce
Religion
Excaping from reality of a sedatary life into more excitement.
Never had an affair but can see why many do with the behaviours within marriages and relationships.
Attraction and spark
To have someone share in your sexual desires or kinks
I am yet to find out of a relationship that comes from an affair ever lasts long term.

daddyshark1976 · 19/01/2021 07:22

@Fudgsicles

I disagree with the above. I think they happen because people are unhappy in their relationships but for various reasons, haven't ended it then they acted on it when someone else came along. All affairs I've known of have been for exactly the same reasons, their relationship had issues that weren't being addressed.

From what I've read on here as well, a lot of people settle and a lot are in sexless relationships which is usually intolerable to the partner/spouse. People can kid themselves all they like that they don't have to have sex, which they don't of course, but then they expect their partner to remain faithful. Sorry, unlikely to happen.

I think very few people have affairs who are in happy in fulfilling relationships. And the partner/spouse who were so surprised by it were kidding themselves when they didn't see any issues.

That's my take anyway. Which won't be a common one on here.

Agree with this 100%
AuntieStella · 19/01/2021 07:23

Because one person is dishonest (happy to lie to person who should be able to rely on them) and selfish.

Because the other triggers do not have to lead to affairs

Sunshineandflipflops · 19/01/2021 07:56

I think it's a mixture of reasons.

I know a lot of people are in denial about their marriages being happy but mine really was until he started having an affair and that changed (I didn't know why at the time). He says it was because he had witnessed a tragedy and it changed him...I call bollocks and think it was a simple as him having his middle-aged ego stroked by a young woman at work and he thought he'd have a bit of excitement.

I think men often view their wives/partners differently once they have children. They become 'mum' to both the kids and man and not a sexual being or as an individual who still likes to have fun away from the family home.

I also think (and I never thought I'd say this) that monogamy just isn't for everyone and maybe we were not all supposed to be with one person for life...as shit as it is to be on the receiving end of that.

Parkperson · 19/01/2021 07:56

@TossCointoYerWitcher . How interesting to read such a balanced explanation. The impression on MN is so one sided and the reactions from many posters are so extreme, that is edifying to read the range of explanations you give. I had no idea that women are more likely to be the ones to seek an affair these days. I do wonder at the number of marriages on here where a couple live in a sexless marriage and where many women essentially hate their partners. It must be truly awful to live like that.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 19/01/2021 08:01

I am yet to find out of a relationship that comes from an affair ever lasts long term

Of course some do. Mine has - I'm late 50s and partner is 60 - our relationship was initially an affair but have been together 15 years now and still going strong both romantically and sexually.
My friend's father divorced his wife in 1986 after embarking on an affair with a woman from his church (that he attended and his wife didn't) he and his affair partner are in their 80s now and in failing health but still together despite the dubious way their relationship began.

Bumblesbumbles · 19/01/2021 08:01

Multiple reasons but a central one would be a deep unhappiness in a marriage. I think many people feel trapped even if on the outside all seems wonderful. The affair partner offers an opportunity to leave etc

But there will just be those who want a bit on the side etc
So many reasons I imagine

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 19/01/2021 08:05

People can kid themselves all they like that they don't have to have sex, which they don't of course, but then they expect their partner to remain faithful. Sorry, unlikely to happen

Yup totally agree with this.

Baws · 19/01/2021 08:09

@Parkperson
Totally agree. I’m in my 40s now so have seen lots of friends who got married in their 20s divorce, some are even on their third marriages now. None have claimed to be blissfully happy and didn’t see the affairs coming. I think the fact that it’s so difficult and expensive to get out of a marriage especially when there are DC keeps many in them for longer than they should be as well. I stayed for the DC and my ex wouldn’t have been lying when he undoubtedly told the OW it was a sexless marriage, we didn’t get on etc. He was correct, he just left out the fact that his behaviour was the main reason for this. Grin The easier option is for people to cheat sometimes rather than the stress of divorcing.

princessandthedragon · 19/01/2021 08:15

My mil cheated on dfil. She did it with someone both her children knew from a local group they went to on a regular basis. There are certain characteristics to her personality that can explain why. Primarily she is a narcissist. Everything has to revolve around her and her wants and needs. Everyone one else has to come second, she can do no wrong and it’s always someone else’s fault if she does. She’s also quite weak. She let herself get talked out of her marriage by the OM. She decided she’d made a mistake a few times and each time she did the om would persuade her to go back to him. Eventually fil had enough and told her he didn’t want her back so she ended up with some know it all old codger. Fil eventually ended up with a really lovely woman - the looks mil gave her at my sils wedding was priceless - I knew it was jealousy but she’d put herself in that situation so only has herself to blame. Oh and this all came out just after my DH went to uni so she didn’t even consider the impact it would have on him either.

category12 · 19/01/2021 08:20

As many reasons as there are people.

Some are unhappy in their relationships and it's more an "exit affair". Some just like a bit of strange, ego boost, excitement, etc and have no intention of leaving their primary relationship. And all varieties in between.

Hailtomyteeth · 19/01/2021 08:24

Genitals, OP. It's all down to genitals. People get horny. Having a shag on the side gets the adrenaline going, makes them feel special. Some people might be motivated by spite, frustration, loneliness or the need to manipulate others. But mainly, it's genitals. You might be in a great relationship but still have affairs just because the opportunity arises.

harknesswitch · 19/01/2021 08:25

I don't even think people have to be unhappy in their relationship. People like the thrill of the chase, the excitement. I know of a few people who are happy in their main relationship but have had affairs because they enjoy them.

Ultimately it's because they are selfish and put their own feelings and wants in front of everyone else. If someone can do something, knowing full well it'll destroy someone they love, and yet will still do it 'because they want to' then I think that boils down to selfishness

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