Affairs, Why Do They Happen?

[TwinkleStar88]

Hi,
I’m not sure why I’m writing this but maybe I’m looking for clarity with regards to the reasons behind affairs.
Within the last few years many family members/friends/colleagues have either been involved in affairs, or have been the victim of an affair. Whether this is emotional/physical it’s very much happening. My SIL also was involved in an affair over a year ago, which shocked all of us, very happy marriage on the outside, a beautiful home, two children, no money worries, a supportive husband etc and I’ve never really worked out why she did it, she seemed happy but clearly wasn’t happy, is it possible to have an affair and still be happy, or is an affair a symptom of an unhappy marriage?
I worked in an office many years ago with a few of the males openly admitting to ‘having fun on the side!’ Again, they had children, even photos of their family on their work desk.
As time has gone by I am seeing this more and more, it’s often highlighted on this thread many times too.
Why do so many seemingly happy people have affairs? Is it unhappiness, boredom? The need to feel wanted by more than one person?
This has also made me question my marriage and wonder if it could happen to me! Totally unreasonable I know!

I agree with @Fudgsicles, too.

If you’re married or in an LTR, and you decide you no longer want to have sex with your partner, you are perfectly entitled to do that. Nobody should feel pressurised into having sex when they don’t want to.

BUT

If you unilaterally decide to impose celibacy on your partner, who doesn’t want to be forced to live in a sexless relationship you must accept that they will not settle for that and in many cases they will look elsewhere. And when they do, you really can’t complain.

You're right MrsSmith but often those who wander into it in the midst of more stressful circumstances later do look back and realise they did a horrible shitty thing. They should not be written off but that does not mean it's non a big deal and extremely hurtful.

If you unilaterally decide to impose celibacy on your partner, who doesn’t want to be forced to live in a sexless relationship you must accept that they will not settle for that and in many cases they will look elsewhere. And when they do, you really can’t complain.

That sounds horribly like coercion to me. There is no requirement to stay in a sexless marriage. Some people have adult discussions and agree to a more open relationship. Some people leave relationships when things are not working for them for whatever reason. Either way this does not excuse subterfuge, lieing and selfishness. And yes you really can complain when the person who is supposed to love you treats you like shit because they value themselves so much more highly than you.

You could turn the question around and ask "why is society so attached to the idea of sexual monogamy when it's clearly not comfortable or satisfying for so many people"?

You could fifteen toes but what has that got to do with having an affair? If you both want an open relationship then all good.

True enough, but there's still the expectation that monogamy is the default way of doing things, and is to be expected unless you've specified otherwise. I think a lot of people drift into monogamous marriages without really thinking about whether that's what they want, or whether they really believe it's necessary. And many people (particularly men) probably just assume that you can't have a relationship and children without at least paying lip service to it.

@User88454
Oh come on now!
There is a huge difference between having a different point of view and spouting outright bollocks! Of course an affair is not as bad as rape and murder! It is not a criminal offence and to suggest otherwise is utterly ridiculous!

You could turn the question around and ask "why is society so attached to the idea of sexual monogamy when it's clearly not comfortable or satisfying for so many people"

You could also turn the question around and ask why society places so much emphasis on the idea of sex carrying on well past reproductive years, and requiring women to ‘fix’ their ‘problem’ when they don’t want to continue having sex, rather than requiring men to ‘fix’ their ‘problem’ of believing they will drop dead if they don’t get enough sex

It isn’t just a case of ‘oh but you focus too much on kids and neglect your husband’
The majority of women physically change after menopause to a degree that suggests nature doesn’t think they ought to or need to be having sex and yet we still use the horrific term ‘withholding sex’ when a woman wants to listen to her body and step away from being sexually active

Why are we not managing the expectations of men around sex at different stages of relationships rather than shaming women for bringing affairs on themselves?

Why are we valuing a sexual life above a stable home life?

Yes, a sexless marriage can be deeply frustrating for many people but it’s usually that it comes with a communication-less and affection-less relationship, and that’s going to be doing the damage
It’s the rejection more than the lack of orgasms

For me, looking back it was because I was in a relationship with someone who had a big ego, made me feel small and was disrespectful and downright mean at times. I should have ended it sooner but I didn't have the courage. Someone showing me respect and tenderness and affection turned my head. Looking back- it wasn't even about sex.
I'm in long term relationship now which is actually much less physical but I'm respected, cared for and have never looked elsewhere and would never dream of being dishonest to such a nice man.

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies - No I wasn’t in her marriage but she posted very regularly about how amazing her husband was and numerous holiday shots of them loved up, this was clearly all a lie but what I don’t understand is why she would put on a front when clearly she was unhappy, or was she actually happy, that was my question!
Can you be happy, love your husband and still have an affair?
I didn’t want her to tell me, it’s not in my interests to know, it was more a reflection of how I perceived their marriage and how different things can look from the outside.

You could also turn the question around and ask why society places so much emphasis on the idea of sex carrying on well past reproductive years, and requiring women to ‘fix’ their ‘problem’ when they don’t want to continue having sex, rather than requiring men to ‘fix’ their ‘problem’ of believing they will drop dead if they don’t get enough sex

Yep, that too. Although I don't think the judgmental tone at the end is likely to be very helpful. It's really tough for people who have a high libido to have to live without sex, and to know that being in a relationship with the person they love is the reason they have to live without it. And not all of those people, by a long way, are men, as anyone can see from a quick peruse of this board. Somehow this subject needs to be approached with compassion for their situation as well as for the libido-less you refer to.

Why are we not managing the expectations of men around sex at different stages of relationships rather than shaming women for bringing affairs on themselves?

Again, the gender division is by no means that clear cut, there are plenty of women who suffer in sexless marriages where they want sex, and plenty of women who have affairs.

But if anything, your post really just reaffirms my point. If it's a question of "managing expectations" of people at different stages of relationships, then surely that should involve addressing everyone's expections, including the expectation that everyone can and should doggedly push on with effortful sexual monogamy even when it makes them unhappy together. Isn't that the original unrealistic expectation - the idea that just because you love each other, get on great and work well together raising your kids, your bodies are always going to magically align sexually?

i think porn is a form of cheating anyway

How?!

[quote Baws]@User88454
Oh come on now!
There is a huge difference between having a different point of view and spouting outright bollocks! Of course an affair is not as bad as rape and murder! It is not a criminal offence and to suggest otherwise is utterly ridiculous![/quote]
Who said it was a criminal offence? And who said that it was comparable with rape and murder? You are the only one using those comparisons?

Interested to read the different perspectives from people.

I had an affair, albeit brief. I was unhappy — partly with my marriage but mainly with myself. Deep unhappiness, a feeling of being lost, that everyone was moving forwards and achieving things and I was just empty. Home life with young kids was stressful, we had no help at all so dating completely ceased, sex was infrequent and there was no passion. My husband got used to this and his sex drive seemed to match this so he didn’t miss it. I felt old, I missed feeling special, I missed passion, I felt like my life was passing me by. I had become a SAHM and felt like I had no purpose with kids finally in school/nursery, yet had knock backs from every attempt to get back to work. No one understood how useless I felt and my husband didn’t have time for me because life was too busy for me to be down and moany.

I met someone and he swept me off my feet. It wouldn’t have worked as a relationship and I know that the newness would wear off and life would change it. My husband didn’t deserve it and I felt terrible (and still do) but it honestly changed my life. I felt like a different person, it motivated me to try even harder with everything. Someone had time to listen and made me feel special. The sex wasn’t even that amazing, but it had been so long since anyone touched me and actually noticed my body. It reminded me that I could still be funny, I could make conversation with people and be interesting and that someone noticed me. I wasn’t invisible and useless.

I ended it and I’m still with my DH. I told him about everything and thankfully we’re still together but I hate what I did to him. I hate that it has changed us and our relationship forever, no matter how long we’re together or how in love we are, I can’t take that back. I never thought I would be that weak. We had been together since teens and had only ever been with each other - that has now gone!

Sorry, I know this is a bit of a ramble but that’s how it felt in my head. Nothing made sense. Thankfully we’re a few years on now and are all very happy. We have a great life and are such a tight knit family.

@User88454

suggest otherwise is utterly ridiculous!
Who said it was a criminal offence? And who said that it was comparable with rape and murder? You are the only one using those comparisons?

The person who said having an affair was the worst thing you can do to someone and that it was a sin. You might want to go back and read that post.

@Baws

Yeah, and I agree with that poster that having an affair is one of the worst thing you can do to someone you're supposed to love and according to the Bible adultery IS a sin (not that I agree with that but I let people have a voice and an opinion)

Still NOBODY is comparing it to rape and murder. You are the only only saying that. The irony is you are one of the most judgemental posters on this thread but think that you are above others and can be rude about their thoughts or opinions. This is a forum, everyone's voice should be allowed to heard.

The irony is all of this will go over your head because you think that not judging people for having affairs makes your contributions more valid. It doesn't. Your arguments are poorly thought out and practically non existent. It's boring.

Some people are unhappy in their relationship- not necessarily with their relationship- but find it hard to tell the difference. An affair opens up a whole new sense of self - with all the flush of nice feelings - being attractive, receiving attention, being cared for - from outside of your daily life.
The primary partner can't compete- because attention and compliments and sex with someone new means more and feels better.
Then reality hits - that you can't escape your life - take a holiday from your life - live in a fantasy. You have to build your life better- taking everything with you. That's when people decide whether their primary relationship was the problem or that their life was the problem that needed fixing. Sometimes its a bit of both.
But once you've betrayed someone's trust there is no going back.

My partner has a condition where he no longer desires sex/can perform. The last time we had decided was 7 years ago. I'm 38. His condition isn't easily remedied and basically I had to accept that I either stay with him and accept never having sex again or dump him for something that isn't his fault. I wouldn't cheat, but that's not to say I've not felt attracted or desire. I just know the price that would come at, the devastation for my partner and by ds. That's not to say it doesn't feel crap. It does. It really does. I feel so rejected and unattractive.

@rawlikesushi

I read a study once that said the number one predictor of an affair was 'opportunity'.

If true, it's quite depressing to think that some people are only monogamous because they don't get the chance to cheat.

I suppose people embarking on affairs must be unhappy, or think that they are anyway, in a sort of 'grass is greener' way.

Sometimes they fancy someone or feel a connection and convince themselves that they're unhappy to justify their shit behaviour.

Sometimes they're experiencing boredom or the natural 'ups and downs' of a long relationship but don't tell their partner, seek counselling or try to sort it out, they just focus all of their energy and attention into the affair, making the primary relationship even worse.

Often, if found out, they appreciate what they had after all and beg forgiveness.

Spor on.... opportunity!!!! My DH had EA or so he said....nothing wrong at home!!! Mixing with new crowd of people who were out going .out there....throwing their money around...wives turn a blind eye to their antics. Opportunity was there!!!.

Absolutely destroyed our marriage.

As Bill Clinton famously said about his friendship with Monica " Because I could"

@FifteenToes

You could turn the question around and ask "why is society so attached to the idea of sexual monogamy when it's clearly not comfortable or satisfying for so many people"?

@fifteenToes What rubbish. The vast majority of people aren't sitting at home thinking, "Gosh, I really like X, if only stupid society wasn't so attached to sexual monogamy so him/her can freely go around and be sleeping with other people!!"

The vast majority of people want to be in a relationship with someone who's sexually monogamous with them.

@User88454
The bible? You really are having a laugh now! The bible also says homosexuality is a sin, do you agree with that as well? The bible has very little relevance in 2021.
How am I being judgemental for calling someone out for making offensive comments towards others including some on this thread who have admitted to cheating? Do you even know what the word means? There is huge difference between debating sensible views and spouting utter nonsense! For example the posters disagreeing about whether there are more opportunities these days etc. To start quoting the bible and claiming cheating is the worst thing you can do to a person (when it clearly isn’t!) is absolutely ludicrous!
I really wonder where people like you hide in real life?

Where do you get your stats from @MixMatch ?

[quote Baws]@theleafandnotthetree
Well said!

I honestly wonder where some of these people hide in real life because I’ve certainly never met anyone with such narrow minded views. [/quote]
@Baws Well, it's telling the company that you keep. People with similar views and values (whatever they are) tend to flock together so there's no surprises there.

@MixMatch
You’re absolutely right. I couldn’t be friends with anyone who believed in an imaginary friend, who used the word ‘sin’ in 2021 and lived their life by beliefs stated in an outdated book which openly condones all sorts of prejudices.
I’m perfectly happy with the company I keep thanks! 😂