Affairs, Why Do They Happen?

[TwinkleStar88]

Hi,
I’m not sure why I’m writing this but maybe I’m looking for clarity with regards to the reasons behind affairs.
Within the last few years many family members/friends/colleagues have either been involved in affairs, or have been the victim of an affair. Whether this is emotional/physical it’s very much happening. My SIL also was involved in an affair over a year ago, which shocked all of us, very happy marriage on the outside, a beautiful home, two children, no money worries, a supportive husband etc and I’ve never really worked out why she did it, she seemed happy but clearly wasn’t happy, is it possible to have an affair and still be happy, or is an affair a symptom of an unhappy marriage?
I worked in an office many years ago with a few of the males openly admitting to ‘having fun on the side!’ Again, they had children, even photos of their family on their work desk.
As time has gone by I am seeing this more and more, it’s often highlighted on this thread many times too.
Why do so many seemingly happy people have affairs? Is it unhappiness, boredom? The need to feel wanted by more than one person?
This has also made me question my marriage and wonder if it could happen to me! Totally unreasonable I know!

@Onthedunes, I think it would be unfair to characterise @AnastasiaBeverleyHills contributions as unkind or in any way sticking the knife in to people who are hurting. I think when you choose to come on these kind of fora, you will read things which are difficult, challenging and which seem to you unfair, maybe even hurtful. But on a spectrum, I would think hers are amongst the more benign. Perhaps that is partly what is triggering and challenging for some, it's clear to me at least that she is not some zealot or person with an axe to grind, she expresses herself so reasonably that it sort of forces one to really take on board at least some of what she says.

theleafandnotthetree "ABH isn't the infidelity czar to whose position we must all concede, she's just another woman giving another perspective"

Maybe, but she uses the writings of Esther Perel and other cheater apologists to support her position.

For an alternative views see;

www.chumplady.com/2020/09/esther-perels-myth-of-the-good-cheater/

www.itscheating.com/adultery/is-cheating-abuse/

www.divorceminister.com/shared-responsibility-lie/

intheknowwithro.blogspot.com/2014/11/cheating-is-part-of-domestic-abuse.html

loveandabuse.com/it-takes-two-to-build-and-one-to-destroy-the-cheating-partner-works-alone/

www.huffpost.com/entry/rethinking-infidelity_b_3065096?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAAjbeRCi6cYiQl-A24FOx6utSKHEnDDGiGWm59-4Ej-uRIPmr_WbVA7-7yDwT303MkrrtupGP8VodWjGR4bkJ6XlHBWXxX2PfsrxCiFKmd93VWcLFwfHLXW7OUIVq_m1ho9a7AHJGp9ubsZWpuYpjGm8fCjS0KhgLUUayZuKksiI

affinitymagazine.us/2017/02/18/cheating-is-emotional-abuse-stop-blaming-victims/

And surely to God if we've learned anything in the last four or five years in politics with Brexit, Trump, etc it's that we have to listen, really listen to one another and try and see the others perspective, even and perhaps most especially when we don't like it

@theleafandnotthetree.

Yes but many people did not listen, people voted, a decision was met democratically and people dissagreed with the outcome.

Sometimes you just have to accept the the decision of the majority.

I really don't understand what people are arguing over or why? Of course there is a spectrum from understandable/forgivable infidelity to abusive/unforgivable infidelity.
The time you kissed another boy when you were 16 and already had a boyfriend - or that time when you carried on an affair after you got married, gaslighted DH about it for years, even about the paternity of your children.
And that time in your 20's the girlfriend you'd neglected and didn't much care for finally snapped and started seeing someone else behind your back, or that time when you discovered your DH had another wife and family and serially unfaithful to both.
You see? Shades of grey! And moon

*moon? ...moot points!

@Seadad

I really don't understand what people are arguing over or why? Of course there is a spectrum from understandable/forgivable infidelity to abusive/unforgivable infidelity. The time you kissed another boy when you were 16 and already had a boyfriend - or that time when you carried on an affair after you got married, gaslighted DH about it for years, even about the paternity of your children. And that time in your 20's the girlfriend you'd neglected and didn't much care for finally snapped and started seeing someone else behind your back, or that time when you discovered your DH had another wife and family and serially unfaithful to both. You see? Shades of grey! And moon

That's why these threads are always so difficult in my view. You have people always responding from a place of subjective experience and reality. Some hurt terribly, others people who have had affairs and look to minimise the impact of that. Very few people are unbiased. So how do you create a discussion that takes all this into consideration? You can't really. Not on an anonymous forum anyway.

So, the fact you don't understand is moot as well. And why do you feel the need to share this? Genuinely?

Are you trying to make a point of some kind? Do you think infidelity should not be allowed as a discussion?

Of course I don't think infidelity shouldn't be discussed @Sarahjanebaskins !!??
I'm just disappointed that the thread seems to have descended into disagreement over whether affairs should be 'judged' - or have victims or are black and white etc. There are endless examples and it depends doesn't it?
So I think the point im making is that there are always shades of grey and mitigating factors, but that doesn't mean that people can't see right from wrong - and it doesn't excuse the harm infidelity can cause.

@AnitaB888 thank you for your posts on here. I feel pretty much the same way. You have put it all very well.

I have taken full responsibility for my own actions and the state of my marriage from day 1 over 30 years ago and always have. I have looked very hard at myself and my marriage indeed since my husband’s infidelity and am certainly not perfect.
However, my husband’s decision to cheat instead of dealing with any issues he had and his affair, I take no responsibility and accept no blame for whatsoever. I repeat, I am not perfect, but I’m not a bitch who made his life hell (far from it) nor was I disinterested or unaffectionate or not wanting sex. When he seemed distant or detached I asked him many times if he was ok, if he needed to talk about anything or if anything was bothering him. He would put his arms around me and tell me that he was sorry he’d been so distant, the long commute and his job were stressing him out. I had no reason to believe otherwise. Apart from the distant episodes he was loving, sleeping in our bed, having sex with me and engaged in our marriage and with our kids. He booked family holidays and days out, we had a great time, a great Christmas that year. I worked hard for him and our kids and never grumbled if he’d ‘gone out for a drink with colleagues’ because he worked hard and had a long journey in his new job. I suspected nothing. We argued occasionally like any couple and no doubt took each other for granted on occasions too. A good marriage but not perfect. Nothing is.

BUT any issues he had should have been discussed with me, especially when he was given ample opportunities. That he chose not to is not my fault. That he chose to sleep with a woman 18 years his junior instead was not my fault. His choices, his fault, not mine. I was the victim of his behaviour and denied the opportunity to have any say in any of it. Denied the opportunity to work together on any marital issues we may have had.
I was very bitter at first. I did not act on this but inside I felt it. I decided that bitterness was only harming me and I did not deserve that either. I was a victim of his choices and suffered enormously in ways I would wish upon no-one. On occasions I still suffer now. I was a victim in the literal sense of the word, but I refused to have a victim mentality or hold on to bitter feelings and resentment. Being a victim is not the same as living one’s life like one, nor is being a victim an excuse for any possible subsequent retaliatory bad behaviour. We are all responsible for our own choices.

I understand the viewpoints that having a horrible or disinterested spouse is a reason why people have affairs, but even the horrible disinterested spouse is still a victim of infidelity. They are lied to and deceived. Being a victim doesn’t automatically make you a ‘good’ person in the marriage and the unfaithful spouse a ‘bad’ person, but their decision to cheat makes you a victim of their choices. Refusing to change or continuing bad behaviour might well lead to a myriad of consequences from their unfortunate spouse, but being betrayed should never be one of them. The betrayer is completely at fault for the betrayal. My husband and myself have BOTH looked at ourselves very hard and our marriage is our joint responsibility. I take full responsibility for my part in my marriage.
But I take no blame for what he did and never will, imperfect as I am.

@Seadad

I really don't understand what people are arguing over or why? Of course there is a spectrum from understandable/forgivable infidelity to abusive/unforgivable infidelity. The time you kissed another boy when you were 16 and already had a boyfriend - or that time when you carried on an affair after you got married, gaslighted DH about it for years, even about the paternity of your children. And that time in your 20's the girlfriend you'd neglected and didn't much care for finally snapped and started seeing someone else behind your back, or that time when you discovered your DH had another wife and family and serially unfaithful to both. You see? Shades of grey! And moon

Which is why I find it a shame @theleafandnotthetree and others completely ignored @TossCointoYerWitcher's earlier post in response to this point, that you can separate the actions from the individual.

Treating someone in a shitty manner is shitty behaviour, whichever way its looked at and whatever the cause, however understandable. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Isn't the best response is surely to acknowledge the behaviour was shitty, own it and pledge to do better in the future? Not - as seems to be suggested - to get all defensive, saying "you can't judge me!" and claim there's no shitty way of treating people just "shades of grey"? That seems to smack to me of just not wanting to face up to the harm you've done.

FWIW I think there's also a big degree of difference between someone who owns their bad behaviour and someone who gets defensive about it all and wants people to not question it and "move on".

Sex addiction.
I never thought I’d be the type to cheat, I was in a relationship with the same man for a few years and there was a lot of sex, twice a day or more. Ultimately he started withholding it, and saying he couldn’t keep up anymore.
I cheated, multiple times, in fact I can’t hold down a relationship now and I watch more porn than a 16 year old boy who just discovered it thanks to lockdown and have broken lockdown rules just to get some action. It’s an awful thing, but without sex I simply cannot focus.

problematicbehaviour
Please get some help with this (and I say this kindly).
If you break lock-down rules you could end up with a huge fine or catch an infection that could kill you. To say nothing about passing the virus to others who could die.

Please do it today.

To consider the original question. I think that too many men get away with it as it were, in that there are no or not enough consequences. Most seem to be a man with a younger often single woman, or are they just the ones we get to hear about?

The worst of all is condoning it, such as the behaviour of our Prime Minister.

What is the advantage of a monogamous relationship? I can understand the partnership, raise kids' common goals but the devastation caused because a partner decided to wander off for some on the side (male or female) is it worth it? Is it time we broke free of this sexual servitude to each other? We have changed so many other opinions or been forced to change traditional values because they were wrong, is it about time we changed our obsession with fidelity?

Reglardez,
What's with this 'monogamy-bashing'?

There is no rule on God's green earth that anyone has to be monogamous and there is no 'sexual servitude' as you put it.

In today's society there are a myriad of relationship styles, open relationships, open marriages (although that's an oxymoron to me), gay relationships, threeways, swinging, bisexual BDSM etc.

Whatever style of relationship you want they'll be someone else who wants the same, there's a lid for every pot, as they say.

So, if you don't want to be monogamous don't sign up for it. Find someone who wants what you want. Don't deceive someone into thinking you want monogamy and then years down the line cheat using the excuse that 'monogamy is unnatural. That's just nasty.

@Reglardez

Your right, have you got your dad's number I fancy a bit on the side.

PM me

AnitaB888

The thing is I don't know of any married friends who have not wandered off the path either full-blown other woman or the odd night out that turns into something. As males we just accept it. It seems to me that being completely faithful is not the norm and therefore when entering a relationship it should not be automatically accepted that we will be.

@Reglardez

AnitaB888

The thing is I don't know of any married friends who have not wandered off the path either full-blown other woman or the odd night out that turns into something. As males we just accept it. It seems to me that being completely faithful is not the norm and therefore when entering a relationship it should not be automatically accepted that we will be.

No, it should not be automatically accepted that a partner will be faithful. That's why people have conversations about being exclusive. If only they could state at the outset 'I'll let you know when I change my mind about being exclusive', rather than doing it behind their partner's back. Cheating is selfish because it does not provide the opportunity for the other person in the relationship to reassess their position, i.e., whether they want to be in a newly-defined polyamorous relationship with their existing partner, or whether they want to end the relationship so that they can find a new monogamous partner. Monogamy isn't that hard actually when you are with the right person.

Reglardez
It seems you havehave a rather jaundiced view having experienced a group of people who either don't take their marriage vows seriously or aren't being true to themselves in the first place.
It also depends what 'contract' was made when the relationship was initiated.
If one person breaks that contract the other is not obliged to continue with it. (People in 'open' relationships can be cheated on as well).

I think happily ever after is a woman's dream, men we are more pragmatic. The consequences as we still are largely the breadwinners generally fall on us losing our homes and access to the kids. Until polyamorous becomes the norm then affairs will happen under the table I am saying don't get annoyed about it its normal.

@Reglardez - I think it’s unfair to say it should not be automatically accepted that your spouse with remain faithful. I married my husband with the intention of being faithful, as I’m sure he did, if we went into the marriage with the agreement of an open relationship, then I can see your point but the majority of people enter a marriage with the intention of being faithful throughout (off course this isn’t always true, as affairs happen!)
It’s sad that you don’t have any friends who have remained faithful, are you talking exclusively men, or women as well?

I'd be bloody annoyed if a man I was supposedly in an 'exclusive' relationship with secretly shagged someone else, because that would put my health at risk.

People need to be fucking honest. And honest when fucking.

Reglardez
I think you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that mainstream polyamory will stop people cheating. People still make a set of rules or a 'contract' in a polyamorous relationship and one party can still decide they are 'special' and don't need to abide by them.

The problem isn't with monogamy but with entitled, selfish, deceptive individuals who think they can break any 'rules' because they feel like it.

@Reglardez

So basically you are saying you respect some contracts in life but not others, the ones that you want to break.

You have contract at work, you have a contract with your mortagage company etc etc, would it be fair if these were just ripped up and you were jobless tommorow and your house re -possesed without fair warning.

How very convienient for you, to pick the ones you don't want.

And if you do not want this marriage contract why go for it.
You know the terms.

Better a future partner can cancel getting pregnant and find someone who wants the same contract.

Yes you may end up with having to lower you genetic standards and your children could end up looking like bricks but thems the choices, at least you will be being honest in finding a woman that likes sharing.

Bit selfish.

@Reglardez - sorry - but marriage means taking vows- including fidelity. If men (or women) don't see that as realistic- then agree to an open marriage or don't get married! It is totally shit behaviour to deceive someone- and the person you sleep next to - who trust you more than anyone ? A lot of men are shits - and some just have shots morals to justify it. It's really not 'realistic' to assume infidelity is inevitable and your 'morals of ally cats' approach doesn't wash. For the record - most marriages do not involve infidelity - so really not most men or women.