Affairs, Why Do They Happen?

[TwinkleStar88]

Hi,
I’m not sure why I’m writing this but maybe I’m looking for clarity with regards to the reasons behind affairs.
Within the last few years many family members/friends/colleagues have either been involved in affairs, or have been the victim of an affair. Whether this is emotional/physical it’s very much happening. My SIL also was involved in an affair over a year ago, which shocked all of us, very happy marriage on the outside, a beautiful home, two children, no money worries, a supportive husband etc and I’ve never really worked out why she did it, she seemed happy but clearly wasn’t happy, is it possible to have an affair and still be happy, or is an affair a symptom of an unhappy marriage?
I worked in an office many years ago with a few of the males openly admitting to ‘having fun on the side!’ Again, they had children, even photos of their family on their work desk.
As time has gone by I am seeing this more and more, it’s often highlighted on this thread many times too.
Why do so many seemingly happy people have affairs? Is it unhappiness, boredom? The need to feel wanted by more than one person?
This has also made me question my marriage and wonder if it could happen to me! Totally unreasonable I know!

People have always cheated but I also think pornography had facilitated a cheating mindset even more (i think porn is a form of cheating anyway). This is because you normalise, both consciously and unconsciously, reaching sexual arousal/orgasm by intimately viewing other people who are not your partner. Without normalising this, no one in a relationship would be able to use porn.

If you become used to using other real women on a screen, who are not your partner, to provide you with sexual pleasure, using other women for the same purpose, isn't a stretch at all.

You're more inclined to get bored as well with your long term relationship as you're used to having constant sexual novelty at your demand via porn, and your expectations of what you think you 'deserve' or even find arousing, change.

Monogamy as a concept is held up as the moral ideal in our society and some people just aren't suited to it. If people were more honest about this from the start there would be a lot less damaged people out there. We're sold this bullshit about "the one" and "soulmates" and we internalise it as the preferred narrative.

Also the whole concept of affairs and cheating being the absolute worst thing that can happen in a relationship. Being ignored, dismissed, uncared for, not seen, left to do all the kids and house graft and multiple other types of emotional abuse are worse in my opinion. People very often don't live up to expectations, or the expectations society places on us in terms of marriage and "forever". I would never judge someone for having an affair (by this I mean closeness with one other individual not a succession of cheap thrills/quick shags) and neither do I think they're morally bereft. If I was single now I'd be going into the dating world eyes wide open with no guarantees I would be their "one" or their "forever".

@theleafandnotthetree

Cheating has nothing to do with just being in an unhappy relationship. People are in unhappy relationships all the time, it's why normal people break up. Cheaters are lying, selfish, untrustworthy and cruel people who choose to deceive their current partner while being intimate in some way with somebody else behind their partners back. People who are decent, don't cheat, end of.

I just don't understand how anyone can go through life, observing the tremendous variety of people and of human relationships and arrive at such a definitive assessment of 'all' of any category of people. I really don't. What if your sister, your son or your daughter told you they were having an affair, would they in your eyes overnight become 'lying, selfish, untrustworthy, cruel' people? Would you just cut them off? I would honestly love to know.

@theleafandnotthetree I have absolutely no respect for people who choose to cheat. None. To cheat you have to lie, in order to achieve what you want behind someone else's back who put their trust in you, so of course they're lying and untrustworthy. Intimate partner betrayal is one of the worst kinds of betrayal. It's selfish and cruel because the cheat is entirely focused only on obtaining what they want, and in an underhand way, with no basic respect for their partner to tell them what they're up to. It often leads to the breakdown of families and the break up of innocent children's homes. One cheat often does so much collateral damage. I wouldn't cut off a family member, they'll still be my family regardless, but it doesn't lessen the impact of what they've done.

@User133847
Seriously?
Are you going to suggest that they should all be stoned too?

Are you aware it’s 2021, most people aren’t gullible enough to believe in that bollocks anymore!

@theleafandnotthetree
Well said!

I honestly wonder where some of these people hide in real life because I’ve certainly never met anyone with such narrow minded views.

@User133847

Partly a by-product of a liberal, hedonistic society.

There's no stigma against it.

I agree on the hedonistic part though I do think there is still some stigma remaining (thankfully) as those with basic moral values recognise that it's intrinsically wrong. I think many people lack self control due to our 'get what you want, when you want' hedonistic society, so this, coupled with not having values around honesty and integrity, just lead some to choosing to cheat and to hell with the damage they wreck on other people's lives. No one will ever convince such people that cheating is wrong because the values that other people have who don't choose to cheat, just aren't there.

Someone who doesn't want to be monogamous, but has integrity, doesn't enter into a monogamous relationship and deceive their partner in the first place.

It's telling how those excusing cheating always look over the fact that they could have just ended the relationship, or you know, chosen not to sleep with someone else. They talk about cheating as if it's some kind of unavoidable action they can't stop with their free will.

@nuitdesetoiles have you ever been cheated on? I have and it's so much more devastating than being ignored, dismissed, uncared for, not seen, left to do all the kids and house graft.

2 years on and I'm still struggling, It was such a major trauma.

[quote Baws]@theleafandnotthetree
Well said!

I honestly wonder where some of these people hide in real life because I’ve certainly never met anyone with such narrow minded views. [/quote]
Me neither! The friend I mentioned earlier who cheated has not really suffered as some would like in terms of family and friends, they see her as a whole person, they take the good with the bad and know only too well that we are all flawed creatures in various ways. I would honestly rather be friends with her, with a real person with flaws and all than with some of the posters here who just come across as so judgemental and cold. I'd be terrified to confess any weakness to them!

My exh had an affair . I don't
Know how
Long it went on for . It was an exit affair. He felt sexually unfulfilled, he felt
That he was not held in the esteem that he believed should have been attributed to hiM, he felt inferior ( meaning I made him feel inferior in his eyes) he felt bit
Picked on. From my end , he lived the life of a single man, with zero interest in family life , zero Contribution to domestic life or child
Rearing . He was lazy, absent , disinterested and only came
Alive when a social occasion involving adults was announced . He was happy for me to work full time, rear the children , do all the domestic chores, I guess he was a mysogenist totally
Unsuited to marriage and family life . Sexually coercive , moody and selfish. He met and fell in love with some
Woman , over a pint and the rest is history . My children are quite damaged . I'm thriving . As they say on here ...the trash took itself out . In retrospect, the best thing that ever happened to me but the absolute worst that ever happened our children.

Same as @Graffitiqueen.
I wake up thinking about the lies, the duplicity, the arrogance of someone deriving satisfaction from stringing me along.

He could have ended with me, and I would have walked away thinking we'd just drifted apart.

But he had to rub my nose in it, and then twist everything round to make it look like it was my fault.

I'm left with having lost the years of my life I was with him, even the good times, all the plans for the future. I failed to spot what he was like.

@GypsyLee

Too busy with work and kids they let their relationship go. They think that's it I got him/her now and become complacent. It's easy, look after your partner or they'll go elsewhere. Put in as much if not more effort as you do your kids. Find a good balance of work/life, favouring your partner.

Hmm... all those guys who end up shagging someone half their age at work. Somehow I don't picture them having been wining and dining and romancing their wives to know avail. That's thing thing about some people who bang on about their "needs" - in many cases they rarely acknowledge that a healthy relationship is about reciprocity. Their needs are paramount and, as you allude, heaven help the person who doesn't meet them sufficiently. Their partner's needs however... well, are they even on their radar?

I like the 'trash took itself out'. I'll hold that thought.

[quote Baws]@User133847
Seriously?
Are you going to suggest that they should all be stoned too?

Are you aware it’s 2021, most people aren’t gullible enough to believe in that bollocks anymore![/quote]
It's an evil thing to do to a partner. One of the worst things you can do to someone is cheat on them.

From affairs I know of, one was because the husband and wife stopped having sex and the 'spark had gone the husband looked elsewhere for sex on the side but didn't want to leave his marriage and the other was a different couple, this time the wife was apparently very unaffectionate towards her husband so he went out seeking some affection, so not particularly a sexual in that case

@theleafandnotthetree
People who have affairs are, in my experience no more or less 'moral' than the general population.

The thing is, I believe that you can separate a person from their actions. So whilst you might not be able to say with any certainty that an individual is "bad", you can certainly do so about the actions they take. Shitty behaviour is shitty behaviour, end-of. There is no "grey area" about persistantly deceiving someone you lead to believe should trust you completely. There is no argument that causing someone immense emotional pain is a not very admirable quality. A person can argue "I can't help myself" or "it would cause trouble to be honest" but all that amounts to is moral weakness in the former and fear of consequences in the latter. Yes, taking a more moral path is often more difficult - that's why we have so many parables praising individuals who take it - and we are all human, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't aspire to be better or say shitty behaviour is of no consequence.

boredom, mid life crisis, needy, seeking excitement, unhappy. Loads of reasons. My brother is a serial shagger who has been married and divorced twice due to infidelity and will literally shag anyone if the opportunity presents, regardless of how happy he is at home and the damage it will cause!

There are regular threads on here where a woman’s in a LTR, wants marriage but DP is dragging his feet.

Most posters say to give him an ultimatum- marriage or split.

So they get married.

Then 5/10/15 years later the same OP is here saying he’s having an affair.

It’s so taboo to say but a large proportion of the population don’t believe in lifelong monogamy. If they are ‘forced’ into marriage why expect any other outcome?

@theleafandnotthetree

Exactly! We all have our flaws, but I surround myself with non judgemental people who accept that we are all human and none of us perfect.

@User133847

It's an evil thing to do to a partner. One of the worst things you can do to someone is cheat on them.

Don’t be ridiculous! It’s hardly up there with rape and murder is it?

Yes, but most of us when tempted just give our head a wobble.
Cheats just help themselves with no thought to anyone else, often leaving a trail of devastation.

[quote Baws]@User133847

It's an evil thing to do to a partner. One of the worst things you can do to someone is cheat on them.

Don’t be ridiculous! It’s hardly up there with rape and murder is it? [/quote]
No, but it's still one of the worst things you can do to hurt someone you're supposed to love.

Because a lot of people ‘settle’

[quote Baws]@theleafandnotthetree

Exactly! We all have our flaws, but I surround myself with non judgemental people who accept that we are all human and none of us perfect.[/quote]
And yet you're being judgemental about another posters point of view? Being non judgemental means exactly that. Allowing people to have different points of view, even if they disagree with you.

I agree with @Tenbob that people who cheat are insecure. They use having an affaire to try and boost their own self esteem. Sadly it has the opposite impact, you might feel excited and desirable but you really are not going to feel better about yourself.

The argument that people 'fall in love' or have an overpowering attraction makes no sense to me. You don't have to have an affair. You can stop one relationship before you start the next.

Once or twice I have noticed myself finding other people unaccountable attractive. It's a sign that I am not happy in my current relationship. Cut ties, be free to start again.

IME there are two types of people. Those who will never be faithful, they are selfish and have no respect. And those that are dreadfully unhappy and wandered upon it, never expecting it to be something they ever did.