Affairs, Why Do They Happen?

[TwinkleStar88]

Hi,
I’m not sure why I’m writing this but maybe I’m looking for clarity with regards to the reasons behind affairs.
Within the last few years many family members/friends/colleagues have either been involved in affairs, or have been the victim of an affair. Whether this is emotional/physical it’s very much happening. My SIL also was involved in an affair over a year ago, which shocked all of us, very happy marriage on the outside, a beautiful home, two children, no money worries, a supportive husband etc and I’ve never really worked out why she did it, she seemed happy but clearly wasn’t happy, is it possible to have an affair and still be happy, or is an affair a symptom of an unhappy marriage?
I worked in an office many years ago with a few of the males openly admitting to ‘having fun on the side!’ Again, they had children, even photos of their family on their work desk.
As time has gone by I am seeing this more and more, it’s often highlighted on this thread many times too.
Why do so many seemingly happy people have affairs? Is it unhappiness, boredom? The need to feel wanted by more than one person?
This has also made me question my marriage and wonder if it could happen to me! Totally unreasonable I know!

OP, you ask why your SIL posted pics of a happy marriage. We cant say but lots of people are telling themselves a story as much as they are telling one to other people. In fact I'd go so far as to say anyone who endlessly posts about their wonderful hubs and #amazinglittlefamily is probably not actually that happy.

I absolutely agree with the PP who said unkind treatment within a marriage can be a much more damaging thing than being cheated on. I've been cheated on by someone I really loved. It was awful. Low-level emotional abuse for 10 years from another partner was worse by a factor of a million. Am still in touch with the cheater and dont hate him. I'm only in touch with the EA person cos I have to be and I cannot abide him at all. He is the more morally decrepit of the two.

[quote TwinkleStar88]@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies - No I wasn’t in her marriage but she posted very regularly about how amazing her husband was and numerous holiday shots of them loved up, this was clearly all a lie but what I don’t understand is why she would put on a front when clearly she was unhappy, or was she actually happy, that was my question!
Can you be happy, love your husband and still have an affair?
I didn’t want her to tell me, it’s not in my interests to know, it was more a reflection of how I perceived their marriage and how different things can look from the outside.[/quote]
@TwinkleStar88 Many people who spend a lot of their time taking the 'right ' couple pictures and showing them off on social media have an insecurity of some kind. They do it to maintain a front to others (and perhaps themselves) which may be true or false to varying degrees. Social media is all a facade at the end of the day. It is incredibly selective, only showing the more positive and glamorous parts of life, and importantly only showing the parts of life we consciously choose to show to others.

It's not possible to love someone and cheat on them. You can still fancy them of course or acknowledge they have traits that are attractive to you, but that's completely different from loving them.Truly loving someone is an action, and is about willing the good of the other person. How can anyone claim to love someone who they lie to, betray and manipulate?

*I read a study once that said the number one predictor of an affair was 'opportunity'.

If true, it's quite depressing to think that some people are only monogamous because they don't get the chance to cheat.*

That is depressing indeed! It makes sense though.

@baws

Did you even read my post? I won't get into a conversation with you about this because you just see a word and react. It's very disheartening actually, where did I quote the Bible? I actually said I didn't agree with it, but others do. Religion is a personal thing and I don't judge others for having religious views.

@User88454
You said that according to the bible adultery is a sin. If you didn’t believe that then why would you even mention it in your post. All of your posts are insinuations, it’s clear what you mean.
You don’t judge others for having views that are damaging to people due to their sexuality etc but you do judge people for having affairs?! Do you realise how deranged that sounds? 😳😂
Please don’t get into a conversation with me because I dread to think what you might come out with next!

[quote Baws]@User88454
The bible? You really are having a laugh now! The bible also says homosexuality is a sin, do you agree with that as well? The bible has very little relevance in 2021.
How am I being judgemental for calling someone out for making offensive comments towards others including some on this thread who have admitted to cheating? Do you even know what the word means? There is huge difference between debating sensible views and spouting utter nonsense! For example the posters disagreeing about whether there are more opportunities these days etc. To start quoting the bible and claiming cheating is the worst thing you can do to a person (when it clearly isn’t!) is absolutely ludicrous!
I really wonder where people like you hide in real life? [/quote]
@baws You mean the Bible is not relevant to you.
I think you will find the Bible is the best selling and most read book in the world so a lot of people will have a different opinion to you.

In your consternation that other people are daring to voice different views from you on a public forum, you're also appear to be choosing not read people's posts properly. I actually recall that poster's post and he/she had said "one of the worst", not the "worst".

If you or other posters want to support cheats that's completely up to you. As I said in a previous post, a fundamental difference in values around honesty, integrity and respect for others underlines that viewpoint, so nothing anyone says will convince anyway.

@baws

I'm not deranged and it's really out of order for you to say that.

I think they happen for all sorts of reasons. There are as many types of affairs as there are people and relationships.

Sometimes it's sex, sometimes it's infatuation, boredom, opportunity, being checked out of a marriage, score settling, feeling young again, feeling supported, someone putting effort in, escapism, flattery, genuine love and emotion.

@MixMatch
This gets more ridiculous. You mention the bible and then claim to have respect for others in the same post? The irony! 😂
Maybe you might like to research the decline in popularity of the bible in recent years!

Are you seriously suggesting that anyone who doesn’t share your viewpoint lacks values, integrity and respect for others just for daring to suggest that the reasons for affairs are complex and not black and white?
Wow! 😂

@User88454
Now it’s you who needs to read posts properly! 😂

"Fudgsicles Cheating has nothing to do with just being in an unhappy relationship. People are in unhappy relationships all the time, it's why normal people break up. Cheaters are lying, selfish, untrustworthy and cruel people who choose to deceive their current partner while being intimate in some way with somebody else behind their partners back. People who are decent, don't cheat, end of."

Wrong. How small minded of you. And 'end of' doesn't make you right.

@baws

Yeah you are right. You didn't say I was deranged just that I sounded deranged. I must have been confused by how stupid the rest of your post sounded. No harm done.

@Aalvarino I think, unfortunately, both cheating and EA often go hand in hand, so the point becomes kind of moot. Not always, but very often. I know from my experience it wasn’t my ex giving into temptation per se that led to psychological trauma that still lasts to this day. It was the deceit, constant lying and gaslighting from someone who was, at the same time, trying to convince me I was the love of her life. I’m sorry if that doesn’t follow the script many are trying cling to here - no-one was withholding sex and we had date nights aplenty. I think in my case @Seadad has it spot on.

I dont believe that having an affair is ever justified. BUT. I do believe that the actions of the spouse can be a motivating factor and i dont really understand how people can claim that isnt true.

'We were very unhappy and you never paid me any attention. I should have addressed its or left, or suggested counselling. Instead i had an affair. That was entirely my decision and it was entirely wrong and I'm sorry'.

Is very different to
'I had an affair because you drove me to it'.

I once posted on here with some relationship problems caused by my husbands very lax approach to parenting and the fact he has raising an argument about a lot of things. Most people saw my side, some suggested i was to blame too which was very helpful too. I was then asked how our marriage had been before. I said fine apart from the fact I had an emotional affair over a decade ago which he had had counselling about and both knew that neither of us were prioritizing our relationship at that time.

Once i said this people literally said 'i take it back you deserve everything you get' - it was utterly bizarre. I kept saying that I had admitted i was wrong to have the EA and DH had also admitted that he had not been behaving well but for some posters that was me trying to 'weasel my way out of it' when my current problem was DH not noticing he had spilled bleach all down our toddler.

It was truly bizarre.

I want some honesty about the fact that sexual drive changes as we age. Frankly by my 50s I'm looking forward to having not much sex at all. If that drives my DH to a late-in-life affair well that's a shame (and sort of embarrassing for him).

(are men in their 50s having affairs because their wives in their 50s aren't putting out? really? if so, that's gross).

I think people cheat due to opportunities, boredom, mid life crisis. All sorts of reasons. Humans are flawed. I know someone having an affair with a married man. She's single, but she doesn't want a relationship for various reasons. He's been in a sexless, but seemingly happy marriage for a long time. The situation suits both of them. It's purely sex.

@Guineapigbridge - I think zex drive might become less compelling in your 50s, but it doesn't dissappear. Often women rediscover sex with a new partner if they divorce in their 50s. And a partner - man or woman, is completely entitled to end their relationship if it becomes sexless. But an affair is deceitful and damaging.

Because people have zero morals and are selfish and only care about how they feel.

@User88454
My post ‘sounds stupid’? Do you always have issues with skewed perception or is it just on this matter?
Either way, you clearly have some serious issues!
You can’t rationalise with the irrational so I won’t engage any further. Have a good day!

[quote Seadad]@Guineapigbridge - I think zex drive might become less compelling in your 50s, but it doesn't dissappear. Often women rediscover sex with a new partner if they divorce in their 50s. And a partner - man or woman, is completely entitled to end their relationship if it becomes sexless. But an affair is deceitful and damaging.[/quote]
You can always end a relationship. To cheat on someone is immoral.

Because they are cruel, liars and selfish. That's a fact.

I think I can understand the massive range of why-s - the spark that lit the match - what I struggle to get my head around is beyond the reason for the affair (whatever that might be), how can the person having the affair lie to the person they are in a relationship with/married to over a sustained period of time in order to spend time with the affair partner? To me, that feels very different to the initial, ‘why’. There’s an ongoing deceitfulness to that which I find difficult to get my head around.

@ufucoffee

Because they are cruel, liars and selfish. That's a fact.

Undoubtedly some are, but you simply cannot say that of everyone who has ever had an affair. If that were the case, you would be saying that of a very high proportion of the population

@theleafandnotthetree

Exactly but in MN land this is accepted as fact, it’s a sin and they should all be punished! That will be a hell of a lot of people being punished in that case! 😂
I bet the people on here who have been in abusive and or violent relationships or have had family members murdered by abusive partners must feel really great to hear that an affair is the worst thing you can do to someone...