Affairs, Why Do They Happen?

[TwinkleStar88]

Hi,
I’m not sure why I’m writing this but maybe I’m looking for clarity with regards to the reasons behind affairs.
Within the last few years many family members/friends/colleagues have either been involved in affairs, or have been the victim of an affair. Whether this is emotional/physical it’s very much happening. My SIL also was involved in an affair over a year ago, which shocked all of us, very happy marriage on the outside, a beautiful home, two children, no money worries, a supportive husband etc and I’ve never really worked out why she did it, she seemed happy but clearly wasn’t happy, is it possible to have an affair and still be happy, or is an affair a symptom of an unhappy marriage?
I worked in an office many years ago with a few of the males openly admitting to ‘having fun on the side!’ Again, they had children, even photos of their family on their work desk.
As time has gone by I am seeing this more and more, it’s often highlighted on this thread many times too.
Why do so many seemingly happy people have affairs? Is it unhappiness, boredom? The need to feel wanted by more than one person?
This has also made me question my marriage and wonder if it could happen to me! Totally unreasonable I know!

People can kid themselves all they like that they don't have to have sex, which they don't of course, but then they expect their partner to remain faithful. Sorry, unlikely to happen

Yup totally agree with this

I don't.

Not because I expect anyone to put up and shut up, but because there is the alternative of ending the intolerable relationship before starting on a new one.

It's a question of integrity which is of course only tested when times get tough. And plenty of people find themselves able to end a marriage/CP/LTR on decent terms and without fairs/betrayals

My mother has had multiple affairs, two whilst married to my father, one with her long term affair partner (who she married) and another one with her third husband. She now lives alone and has had various failed relationships since.

@category12

As many reasons as there are people.

Some are unhappy in their relationships and it's more an "exit affair". Some just like a bit of strange, ego boost, excitement, etc and have no intention of leaving their primary relationship. And all varieties in between.

This sums up what I was going to say. As many reasons as there are people.

I always thought it was something to do with unhappiness until I was cheated on in what I thought was a very happy relationship! He told me after I ended things that he was never unhappy with me, he didn't know why he had cheated but he didn't want our relationship to end

People are weird. Some people cheat, some never do, some do it once, some do it 100 times. It's hurtful behaviour but that's because of our society's construct as much as anything.

My first marriage looked pretty good from the outside, but had its faults - nothing very dramatic. XH1 is still with the OW, 31 years on. Good luck to them both. He also had affairs in his first marriage, I have no idea whether he still does it now, or whether they are happy.

I only know that I’ve never done it myself. If I’m unhappy in a relationship I give it my best shot and if that doesn’t work, I’m out. I am the stronger person.

Monogamy as the ideal is a lie. This idea that we meet "the one" and will be happy with them forever, through thick and thin doesn't work for most people.

I just don't think most humans have the stomach for it and/or the emotional intelligence to navigate life that way on a long term basis.

A combination of wanting attention and having the following:
Opportunity
Boredom - in your relationship, or more generally
Mutual, often very intense, attraction
Poor boundaries

What @Fudgsicles said in my experience.

I think offices are a big problem. Getting dressed up, looking good to spend 8-10 hours a day with people who aren't your spouse. Lots of affairs seem to start at the office.

Many people "seemingly" have the perfect life in a nice home with 2.2 kids and shiny car, but a vast amount of people are not happy for one reason or another.
I think we forget how easy affairs are now that social media is such a huge part in our lives as well as illness, menopause, midlife crisis, lack of libido in one partner, higher sex drive in others, stress of life, need of escapism.
I think men especially don't want to leave the "home" life but feel they are can compartmentalise a quick shag.
Women get more emotionally involved.

I think my ex had affairs basically because he is a very promiscuous person. He was before I met him too, so why I expected it to change when we married I don’t know. He loves sex, and likes to have it with a variety of women. He ended up with one of his affair partners when I left, is still with her now, and I’m almost certain he cheats on her too.....

I had an exit affair. I felt I needed to do something to force my own hand to leave him. I don’t feel bad about it at all and never did, as I knew my husband had been cheating for years, and the man I had the affair with was single.

These are just two diverse examples, which probably illustrate the fact that there are as many reasons to have affairs as there are people who have them.

Sometimes it’s love, too. My mom was my dad’s affair partner. They have been more or less happily married now for about 45 years. They love each other very much.

@Fudgsicles

I disagree with the above. I think they happen because people are unhappy in their relationships but for various reasons, haven't ended it then they acted on it when someone else came along. All affairs I've known of have been for exactly the same reasons, their relationship had issues that weren't being addressed.

From what I've read on here as well, a lot of people settle and a lot are in sexless relationships which is usually intolerable to the partner/spouse. People can kid themselves all they like that they don't have to have sex, which they don't of course, but then they expect their partner to remain faithful. Sorry, unlikely to happen.

I think very few people have affairs who are in happy in fulfilling relationships. And the partner/spouse who were so surprised by it were kidding themselves when they didn't see any issues.

That's my take anyway. Which won't be a common one on here.

I agree 🙂

@Ghabjielsht

I think offices are a big problem. Getting dressed up, looking good to spend 8-10 hours a day with people who aren't your spouse. Lots of affairs seem to start at the office.

What?? Offices cause affairs love it.

Saying that, lots of 'white collar' workers I knew have had affairs but I assumed when I was younger that it was cause our jobs were mega boring haha. Then I started working for the police and was shocked - soooo many affairs! And was told by am ex-military colleague that it was even worse when he was in the forces.

So I'm not sure offices are the problem...

I had an affair because I was so worn down with my ex husband's cold unloving indifference to me, his excessive working hours, doing everything for the kids and around the home, that when someone paid me some attention I couldn't resist. It ended quickly but it gave me the strength to deal with the marriage.

@Ghabjielsht

I think offices are a big problem. Getting dressed up, looking good to spend 8-10 hours a day with people who aren't your spouse. Lots of affairs seem to start at the office.

Someone on here was crushing on a colleague by zoom calls. It's not offices, it's opportunity.

People don't have to be unhappy to stray, they will totally rewrite their relationship's history to justify it for sure - but it's often just a case of someone catching their eye and following it up.

@Hailtomyteeth you are so right! Honestly it's not actually more complicated than that!

I wonder how I know?

Opportunity.

All the ones I've seen have been insecure man child types, with a steady 2.4 children kind of life and the sort of wife everyone wants, but have an inner neediness.

Someone (usually always a colleague) flatters them, makes a 'oh if only you weren't married' sort of comment, and a bomb goes off in their head - the scientific explanation is serotonin

I think society has got a lot to blame. We are constantly fed this idea that relationships stay exciting and romantic and sexy forever, and that domestic drudgery is the enemy of the virile man.

Actually, domestic harmony and a settled relationship is probably the absolute goal for an awful lot of people, but there is this chip chip chip away at a lot of people that unless there is amazing romance and sparks in the bedroom, something is missing, and therefore the offer of that something from someone else is worth risking everything for.

Until they get caught, and then suddenly realise that domestic normality and stability is exactly what they wanted after all, for them and their children, so the affair partner gets dropped like a bombshell, and they go grovelling back to the wife, who has now been deeply damaged by the betrayal.

There is a reason under 10% of affairs turn into relationships, because the escapism brain fog that makes someone chose the thrilling AP chooses very badly

I didn’t have an affair but left exh for someone else. I had a bucket load of resentment over abusive behaviour both physical and verbal earlier on in our relationship, we had grown distant post children as I had been left to do all the hard work on my own and he was still verbally abusive on occasion - I didn’t want to bring up my children to see such an unhealthy relationship.
I met someone and saw that I may have a chance for a happier life. I left exH before anything happened - within 10 days of meeting.
Regardless of the outcome - I’m glad I did

i think they happen for lots of reasons, and I do think often that almost everyone is capable of it, given the right conditions.

For me, i think about this a lot. I definitely had been attracted to many, many other men during my relationship, and had twice danced right up to the edge of infidelity but always checked myself. when i stepped over that line was when our relationship was falling apart. I don't think it's because i felt that i had permission to, or that it was ok in that context...I think i was very lonely, very miserable, and struggling to admit to myself that my (very long) relationship was over.

There's a thing called an 'exit affair' - and I don't know if i would have ended my relationship without it. it was a bad relationship for lots of reasons, especially towards the end. it was doing neither of us any good at all, but we'd been together so long, we were struggling to admit that (and had terrible communication anyway). that affair - such as it was - was sort of an escape from the reality of what felt like the world crumbling down around me.

I'm not proud of it, and i do often wish i hadn't done it - though my ex doesn't know, it made the break up much messier because i wasn't in a particularly stable emotional place. i also learnt that i wasn't quite the person i thought i was.

Boredom, low self esteem, unhappy in relationship, lack of sex, lack of attention from spouse, having the opportunity?

I think we all like that feeling of when you meet someone new, you can retell all those stories, make people laugh, someone looks at you like they ‘are attracted’ and none of them asks you to take the bins out or worm the cat etc — you see the ‘fresh you’ reflected in someone else’s admiration. Some just can’t resist acting on this and others can— I have been on both sides - however having been crapped on I know now how devastating it is mentally to the other person

Too busy with work and kids they let their relationship go.
They think that's it I got him/her now and become complacent.
It's easy, look after your partner or they'll go elsewhere.
Put in as much if not more effort as you do your kids.
Find a good balance of work/life, favouring your partner.

I think a lot of it is down to personality. You are either capable of cheating/lying to and humiliating a person you are supposed to love or you’re not.

I haven’t been either side myself but from what Ive observed of affairs, the cheater’s (all men) were already twats and had big egos.