Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

But nobody questions a father’s “normal human and natural instinct” regarding his children. They aren’t supposed to have them, apparently (well, we know this one doesn’t, at least.) But that’s o.k. We will just put absolutely everything on the mom and criticize her and wonder at her failings. God forbid we look to and expect anything from the dad.

OP, the “leaving your children to be raised by strangers” is a common trope among “well-meaning,” hand-wringing sorts who fret, “But what of the children?” Your updates are alarming. Please don’t agree to have another child with this man, and don’t give up your financial independence. Listen to your mom.
100% this.

If you wanted to be a SAHM and it was an informed choice then I'd say go for it.
But don't be bullied or guilt tripped into it by people who think women are maids who should cater to every whim of the poor men folk.

KEEP YOUR JOB.
I didn’t and here I am, years later, massive gap in my CV and I am screwed. Do NOT be me.
KEEP YOUR JOB
If he gets funny about it then you say you’ll split and do 50/50 custody and you’ll work on the days he has her. Do not be bullied.

He seems to be quick to pull out the “selfish” jibe as a prod to get his own way and keep control of you

Hmm, more children would give him more power over you.

I don't think it's coincidental that a man who revealed his misogynistic, controlling nature once he felt he had you good and trapped with a baby is now trying to bully you into giving up work and getting pregnant again.

I'm glad you have your mum's support.

@OutOntheTilez

It doesn't mean you enjoy every second, because of course having a tiny baby is hard (and is why the joint involvement of your husband/relatives is important).

But the OP has no joint involvement from her husband . . .

And why is work automatically more important than an actual human person who's only a few months old?

Good question. Maybe ask the OP’s husband that, too, why don’t you.

However the normal human and natural instinct of a mother is to want to bond to and spend quality time with her own child.

But nobody questions a father’s “normal human and natural instinct” regarding his children. They aren’t supposed to have them, apparently (well, we know this one doesn’t, at least.) But that’s o.k. We will just put absolutely everything on the mom and criticize her and wonder at her failings. God forbid we look to and expect anything from the dad.

OP, the “leaving your children to be raised by strangers” is a common trope among “well-meaning,” hand-wringing sorts who fret, “But what of the children?” Your updates are alarming. Please don’t agree to have another child with this man, and don’t give up your financial independence. Listen to your mom. It’s great that she’ll be available to watch your daughter. You wouldn’t do your daughter much good if you give up your career, and then you and your husband get a divorce down the road and you have no job, no pension, and no earning power.

Yep. Then would be a very good time to fret, “But what of the children?”

@OutOntheTilez if you actually properly read my posts you would see i was responding to that particular poster and what she was saying about women. I completely stand by what I said. There's nothing abnormal or wrong with someone prioritising their own child at that stage of development, quite the opposite in fact.

At just 6 months old, if the situation allows it, a child thrives best with one of their own parents as their main caretaker. Those who've done differently with their children when they didn't need to, can choose to feel defensive about that because they don't want to hear it, but that's their issue.

I had already made the point in a previous post, specific to the OP's situation, that parenting is a joint responsibility and one of the options was that her husband could be the one who stays at home part time with their child.

I went back to work after my first and I will admit if found it tricky. Mostly because my 3 day a week job turned into 4 which turned into 5 plus lots of travel. I think as long as you set firm boundaries, it works very well. DC2 will be one in March and starting nursery this summer. DC1 is very socially advanced and I think I've got nursery to thank for that because he isn't naturally that way. If you can find a childcare placement that you and DH both like, perhaps that will help him? After DC2, I have continued to work but on a contractor basis which means I'm more in control of my hours and don't feel the need to respond to the pressure at work. There is definitely a happy medium to be found.

Op I’m sorry but he sounds horrible, this must be so difficult for you. I’m glad you have your DM for support.
I can’t believe he leaves all the parenting down to you, what did he think having a child would be like?! It seems like he a misogynist and expects you to do everything under the excuse of some outdated 1950’s standards about what a mother ‘should’ be.

He sounds incredibly selfish and it doesn’t surprise me that he wants another child as that would suit him perfectly but he doesn’t seem to be thinking about you, what you want, what you need.

I agree with others, I don’t think you should give up your job and think you need to stick to your guns about what you want and what you need from him.

So he says YOU are selfish and unmaternal when he's never even changed a nappy?? He needs to look at himself here what an absolute arsehole.

OP you literally have a dream situation apart from your shitty DH
You can work part time so you keep your financial independence, you will still have loads of time with your baby and it's more likely to be quality time because you'll have had a break from her, and you can be confident she's being properly looked after by someone she already has a strong bond with! It's win win win!

I'm a SAHM and desperately wish I'd gone back to work. After 2.5 years of 24/7 parenting I hated it and ended up being treated for depression (was pregnant again so couldn't just go back to work)... I've now been out of the workforce for 5 years and with the covid situation I despair of being able to get back to the relatively well-paid position I was in before.

Oh and also in response to some of the comments- 'being more maternal' does not equate to 'being a better parent'. Some of the happiest kids I know have working parents who balance things really well so their children have full, loving, stimulating lives with lots of opportunities, and the time they do spend together is real quality time. You don't need to martyr yourself on the altar of motherhood, and don't let anyone tell you that you should!

The man has a whole lot of irrelevant opinions about ‘selfish’ things for a person who is a disgrace to the species. No wonder he wants to impregnate you again, then you’ll be completely trapped.

You know that many mens controlling nature doesnt show until the first baby, and then it comes out because they think you are dependant upon them.
I expect you have picked up more of the housework too, since you are 'only' looking after the baby, and if you have another and he gets back to being outside the home, then you will be well and truly stuck in 1950s territory.
having your mum to help with childcare, especially as she has been around fulfilling HIS role as the extra pair of hands is in now way comparable to 'dumping the kid in nursery' (although my boy went to a lovely nursery which he loved part time from just over 1) It will be a continuation of care that she already knows, and with your mum able to take her to playgroups etc too, if she feels up to it.
I would say that it is imperative that you double your contraception. Its not unknown for men to tamper with condoms to make them leak, or to stealth you. Implants if possible. Ive even known one man to swap his wife's pills for fake ones. I was horrified and thought it an urban myth until it happened to a friend and he laughed about it.

I wish more people would bother reading OPs posts, this isn’t a SAHM anecdote exchange, OP has a nasty, deadbeat man in her home.

Your husband is very free with his accusations of selfishness when his behaviour is the very epitome of what selfishness really is. Tell him his opinion on that issue is completely worthless unless and until he starts doing his share of parenting.

Disgusted by your DH I was going to come on here after reading the OP to say of course keep your job and to add that you should set your stall out and make sure he is helping out as after I went back 3 days after my first my DH still acted like I was on maternity leave and we had to sort that out.

However after seeing your updates that won't be a choice for you and when I say sort it out, that was just a bit of help with life admin etc DH was and still is a very hands on dad and did bottles, bathing and nappies from day bloody 1. Fuming that he sees it as "your job" presumably the decision to have a baby was a joint one.

Your husband doesn't seem to have many redeeming features. Don't have another child with him - you really don't want to be tied to him any more than you already are.

As to him saying you're being selfish not 'giving' DC a sibling, I'd be saying he's being far more selfish not providing DC with a meaningful, relevant and involved father. And that clearly you'd not be acting with DC's best interests in mind having another child without that being addressed.

No, I know to whom you were responding, @MixMatch. I stand by what I said, as well. The OP’s updates are frightening. Her husband, who’s never done a thing to help raise THEIR daughter, calls his wife out as being selfish for wanting to return to work. If he hasn’t done anything to jointly raise their daughter besides contribute his sperm, do you really think he’s going to agree to be the one who stays home part-time with their child? If he hasn’t been effective up to this point, how effective is he going to be as a “main caretaker”?

And I feel strongly that, given the slowly declining attitude of OP’s controlling husband, that the OP would be prioritizing her daughter by going back to work. It’s especially gratifying that she has her mom to help her. Many people just see the “here and now” and don’t think of the future. OP is thinking of the future, and with this man it looks bleak. Keeping her earning power, her career, and her ability to provide for her daughter when the relationship goes south is thinking of and looking after her child.

@MixMatch
Do you have any data to support that argument or are you simply stating your own opinion as a fact?
There have been numerous studies on this, and the one that I remember very well says that children of highly qualified and ambitious mothers turn out absolutely fine. Add the financial, worldly impact of having a smart mother who has stayed in touch with how the world is run and who has set a great example of hard work for her children, I would say the children actually fare far better. I will leave considerable assets for my hidden, so will my DH, enough to give them a head start. We couldn’t dream of it if I wasn’t working. DCs are also very well-behaved, have an active social life and are hard working already. They are also doing well academically.
The world has moved on from the 1950s, especially with nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce and the huge difficulties that millennials have had to face in a world that is completely new to some of their parents, especially mothers. Nearly all of my friends and family who saw both their parents in jobs, have turned out better than the ones who didn’t. It’s not a coincident, it’s the reality of showing two examples, instead of one, two sets of knowledge and experiences, two sets of income/inheritance streams and two sets of connections for DCs to benefit from.

@user184628462

Hmm, more children would give him more power over you.

I don't think it's coincidental that a man who revealed his misogynistic, controlling nature once he felt he had you good and trapped with a baby is now trying to bully you into giving up work and getting pregnant again.

I'm glad you have your mum's support.

Agree.

Your mum sounds like a very sensible lady. My mum told me exactly the same, no way would I sacrifice financial independence

Wow! Divorce? Would be on the cards if my husband told me I was being selfish for working... 🤯

Your DH is a 1950s arsehole which makes it even more important that you continue your career and maintain your independence.
And whatever happens please don't have another child with this man.

Don't give in. If it comes to it, pick your career over him because it will give you security, freedom & independence. He wants to take those things from you.

OP, reading all your updates and just to agree with so many other PPs, please stick with your intention to go back to work. Double check on your contraception so that there can be no 'accidents'. Keep your independence and take the help your mum is offering. Good luck!

You are right to want to keep your financial independance. There are so many threads on here from SAHM’s who have been subjected to financial abuse despite not thinking that would happen to them. I always told my OH after having dc i would return to work despite childcare taking a big chunk of my salery. At least iv financial independance and dependant on no one. If things turned bad in your marraige at least you would have money of your own. DH needs to respect your decision to want to go back to work and stop trying to guilt trip you into staying at home and support your decision to work outside the home.