Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

he is very keen to try for another

Ha I bet he fucking is, all he has to do is cum and his job is done apparently!

OP you need to get a grip of this now. He's a stupid twat, I don't think that can be salvaged tbh but if you want to try I would start by giving him a massive kick up the arse and stop being a door mat. Sorry if that's harsh but honestly you're in for a grim life if you carry on.

Ask him why he’s so keen to have another child given that he doesn’t have anything to do with the one he has. Of course he wants to impregnate you and keep you in the kitchen where he thinks you belong. I’m glad this thread is opening your eyes. And he won’t change. He has shown you who he is and quite what he thinks of you and your role. He’s not going to wake up and suddenly become a decent husband and father. He may try and fake it for a bit if he gets wind you’ve had enough, but he’d only maintain that until you’re pregnant again and trapped. Be very careful and very sensible here OP.

You're really gonna need that job, by the sounds of it.

I have worked 3 days a week since mine were babies. It is truly, honestly, the best of both worlds! I'm with my kids a ton and they get a lot of me....but I get lots of adult conversation - and a pension! (I mean, its small, but still)

I also don't have the burn out that my full time colleagues have. I don't feel stretched too thin.

I am very lucky to be able to afford it - and if you can, I am evangelical about it.

I had no family BTW, so it was crèche all the way. I remember rounding a corner on more than one occasion and seeing DD snuggled into the massive bosom of a lovely childcare worker called Sarah that I'm pretty sure she viewed as her second mother for a while! It made me very very happy she was getting big cuddles. So no, don't believe in the bullshit Evil Crèche narrative.

You have a massive DH issue. I'm pretty sure that once you became a SAHM that financial control would follow swiftly on, if he is showing such misogyny now.

He is not a parent, and it's so sad for your DD. But it's not your fault. At least she has a wonderful Mum and will have a close relationship with her Grandmother. That's all you can really do, if he insists on staying in the 1950s.

@Butterymuffin

My DH has never done a bath time, nappy change, anything to do with DD's upbringing. His contribution as he puts it is going to work

Next time he mentions selfishness or maternal feeling, hold your hand up and say 'I'm not taking any more parenting lectures from someone who's never done bath time or changed a nappy. Come back when you know what you're talking about'.

^ absolutely this.

How fucking dare he!

Why are there still so many men like this? Dh is old enough to be a grandad. I'm (just about) old enough to be a gran. There was never any question that he'd do his bit when ours were babies. Surely there must be more men than ever raised in more enlightened times.

Or are we going backwards?

FWIW My mother was a SAHM and my father worked (sort of, complicated, but on the whole, by and large).

I consider my father (who was working, often shifts) my main parent and the one who cared for me. He was the one I turned to if I had troubles. He was the one I relied on if I was upset. He was there for me when it mattered. He made time for me when he could. He had his failings, and both parents did their best, but he was the more important parent to me.

It's not necessarily about SAHM v WOHM but about parent who is emotionally and mentally present when with child and parent who isn't.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

So your H thinks you lack any maternal instincts because you choose to return to work, however he has shown no paternal instincts at all. Sounds like one of those men who thinks you should be barefoot in the kitchen with the kids. I love my DC, however I too wanted to return to work. I have my own reasons however my DH didnt treat me like a 50s housewife or disengage from being a parent and certainly didnt judge me for returning. He also does his fair share of pick ups and drop offs etc. Sadly your H has shown you who he is now ....so you need to have a fierce conversation with this man, outline how he has changed, his lack of parenting or support and the reasons you would not be having another DC. He needs to shape up or ship out...that might wake him up a little

If you describe time with your own tiny precious baby as "fucking awful"..., I'm sorry if that's how you perceive your own child....affect how some mothers feel about their child
Saying the time is fucking awful is in no way saying that's how they feel about the baby. But PND / poor mental health, a colicky / reflux / undiagnosed allergies baby, an unsupportive / abusive / absent partner can absolutely ruin the time with your precious baby.

the normal human and natural instinct of a mother is to want to bond to and spend quality time with her own child. I'm sure a mother in the situation above would love to spend quality time with their child too, hour upon hour or screaming is not quality time. And that doesn't mean you haven't or don't want to bond with your child

Not even 1 year old which is the common maternity leave period maybe where you work but lots of people can't afford to take mat leave with no pay. I wouldn't have got a penny past 9 months and it dropped significantly from 6 months. Plenty of mothers have no choice but to return within that 6-9 month period

My favourite photo of my dad is from when we were little, he's trying to rub in my baby brother's eczema cream whilst having another one of my siblings sitting on his shoulders and I'm trying to get into the mess.

What will your DD's memories of her dad be? Him going from home to work and back home, expecting dinner on the table and 2-3 perfectly civilised, quite children who don't even hold a conversation with him, as they simply don't know the guy?

But it's not really about your dd's welfare, is it? It's about liking having the wifey at home, dependent

This.

So you enjoy your independence. If you can't even wait until they're a year old before gagging to go back to work, i don't think maternal instinct is your strong point. Of course everyone here will disagree with me, but then they all work don't they

Judgmental 1950s sexist Bollox.

It doesn't mean you enjoy every second, because of course having a tiny baby is hard (and is why the joint involvement of your husband/relatives is important).

But the OP has no joint involvement from her husband . . .

And why is work automatically more important than an actual human person who's only a few months old?

Good question. Maybe ask the OP’s husband that, too, why don’t you.

However the normal human and natural instinct of a mother is to want to bond to and spend quality time with her own child.

But nobody questions a father’s “normal human and natural instinct” regarding his children. They aren’t supposed to have them, apparently (well, we know this one doesn’t, at least.) But that’s o.k. We will just put absolutely everything on the mom and criticize her and wonder at her failings. God forbid we look to and expect anything from the dad.

OP, the “leaving your children to be raised by strangers” is a common trope among “well-meaning,” hand-wringing sorts who fret, “But what of the children?” Your updates are alarming. Please don’t agree to have another child with this man, and don’t give up your financial independence. Listen to your mom. It’s great that she’ll be available to watch your daughter. You wouldn’t do your daughter much good if you give up your career, and then you and your husband get a divorce down the road and you have no job, no pension, and no earning power.

Yep. Then would be a very good time to fret, “But what of the children?”

btw when I was a kid, it wasn't unusual for mums to go back after six weeks. Mind you, it was usually an ad hoc care of mums, grans, aunties, cousins etc

I would be considering going back full time or 4 days per week as it's clear the chances of your marriage surviving are so low

He's an utter arse but u you know that

Why isn't he either doing drop off or pick up days you work? He sounds the selfish one. Why can't he drop back one day a week if he wants dd to have a parent home. Go back 3 days a week now and when dd goes to nursery go back full time. You will have a hole in your pension otherwise. You Mum talks sense and has your best interest at heart. Listen to Mum.

How has he decided?
Did he mention it as though hasn't it been nice and wouldn't it be good etc.
Or, I expect you to give your job up.
Because only the latter is being pressurised.

Whoops, missed a load out ignore my post.

You sound like a wonderful mum.

Your ‘DH’ is clearly a child himself. You already know this but hope is a powerful thing...

Pls go back to work, and protect yourself for time when you get so fed up of him that you can afford to support yourself and your daughter.

Very best of luck.

I'm so sorry this is happening OP. You perhaps should remind him that when if you did divorce him, he'd be 100% responsible for feeds, baths, nappies and nursery drop offs and pick ups for those days he'd be looking after your DD, on his own, and I'll assume you'd want 50/50 split custody right?

Don't be another statistic. This forum is littered with women who gave up their careers to a similar selfish mysogynistic man and have been left in a very precarious situation when he inevitably gets bored of being the breadwinner, feels contempt towards the OP and leaves her, 3 children later for another woman.

And as for your child being in nursery, our DD has been in full time childcare since she was 6 months old and she's a very bright, happy, confident and socially capable little 4 year old, well ahead in reading, and writing thanks to the wonderful nursery settings shes been in.

working full time and managing pick ups and drops off is bloody hard work, but it can be done and it is.both the parents responsibility not just yours!

As you are well aware OP your DH is very generous with your time and your future. Personally these are red flags for me. All you see in MN are women who cannot leave the bad/abusive/selfish relationship because they are a SAHM and have no money or independence. I feel so strongly that women should not be in this positive for their own welfare. Please don't do what he wants especially as things aren't going so well at the moment.

Belt & braces with your contraception.

I just think your set-up sounds ideal -

You go back to work part-time:

• plenty of time with your baby
• plus external validation and stimulation of work,
• extra financial stability in these uncertain times,
• keeping up-to-date skills and opportunities for your career open
• keeping your pension topped up and financial future more secure
• baby benefits from happy mum
• baby benefits from building fantastic bond with her granny as well
• your mum benefits from lovely relationship with your dd
• you can help your mum out financially.

Versus a DH who wants you barefoot and pregnant, dependent on a single income.

It sounds like he wants you barefoot and pregnant which is very worrying. You feel blindsided because he wasn't like this before and that is because controlling men gradually step up their behaviour the more entangled you are. Its very common for abuse to start shortly after marriage or babies when he feels the woman is trapped. You would be very wise not to let him gain more power by giving up work or having another child so quickly.

If you end up needing to leave, you will be in a much stronger position with a job and one child. If the marriage is to survive, he needs to respect you as an equal and do his bit which won't happen if you give up work or have another baby straight away.

@AuntyFungal

Belt & braces with your contraception.

My contraceptive in this case would be never having sex with this misogynistic, selfish, controlling, manipulative arsehole ever again.

Keep your job, and your support system, you're going to need them.

Fucking hell, your updates are just horrible. Please, please don't make the mistake of having another baby with him. That would be madness.

Now that he realizes how relentless parenting is, he really needs you to do it all - so he needs you dependent, unable to leave. If you leave, he is stuck with 50/50 and he liked 0/100 a lot better. He's the zero.