Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

No no and no. I assume he has two days off a week. He can help then. Financial independence is key. Mums net is littered with women struggling for not maintaining this. Your daughter will thank you for it too.

@Thatnameistaken

Your DH is a 1950s arsehole which makes it even more important that you continue your career and maintain your independence. And whatever happens please don't have another child with this man.

Abso-fucking-lutely.

Reading your posts about your DH op you need to go back to work. Your marriage sounds far from rock solid and if it breaks down whilst you are completely financially dependant on him you will be in a very stressful and precarious situation.

I'm not against being a sahm btw; I was one for 12 years.

Yet another one saying you must go back to work and maintain your financial independence. Basically it sounds as if he wants to keep you “barefoot and pregnant’ tied to a kitchen sink. Do not rely on withdrawal or condoms for contraception.
DOI I’m the child of such a relationship and when he decided to move on left my mum and I in a dreadful mess. I would never not work for that reason.

my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first.

I would be more convinced by this if he was asking to reduce his hours too. Otherwise, it's just him wanting you to take all the strain. That's pretty selfish of him, so don't pay any attention.

Do what works best for you and your DD, which will involve at least keeping a hand in with your career.

Just a thought, how is he at sharing the house work and 'childcare ' while you have been on mat. leave?

Just seen your update
that he hopefully steps up and does more with our DD.

Please do more than hope. Work out a schedule of responsibilities just as you would at work for who does what and when.

And please stake no lectures on selfishness from someone who is currently doing nothing other than financial contribution.

Listen to your mother, she is speaking sense.

This is the time to stick to your boundaries and have the life you want.

I think he's being selfish, his only reason is that he's enjoyed you being the little wifey at home.

Stick to the advice your mum gave you, maintain your independence and don't be manipulated into giving it up.

You are not a bad mother or a selfish one. Be proud of who you - your DH will need to like it or lump it.

Does your DH have any friends? His views are so outdated, I wonder why he thinks doing nothing is normal. My DH did zero also and he doesn't have many friends. He was basically being told by his DM that this is how it is and it should be and I was lazy and "not maternal".

I went back part time and he had no choice but to step up. Was much better for everyone and he developed a good relationship with our DC. I would never ever stay at home with a man with this philosophy. It would never work.

I have friends who are stay at home parents and their DHs get stuck in when they get home., so very different.

Please don’t leave your job, I left my career after my DD I managed to be a stay at home mum for 2 months, didn’t got back in to my profession as I was all the child responsibilities became mine only massively lost my way, I now have a just a job still married but he knows I hold huge resentments towards him for guilting me in to doing what was easier for him, it’s a lot of years later the resentment is still there, maybe it wouldn’t been if he’d used this time to better himself but he’s still doing the same dead end job he was when she was born, go to work get an escape fund and see how he likes the 50/50 childcare arrangements,

Sorry OP. Seeing your later updates I'd be reconsidering my plans to go part-time at all. Assuming your mum was available I'd be going back FT, paying her out of joint income with full tax, NI and pension and taking a very long hard look at my marriage.

OP I I want to cry for you and how awful you are feeling. Please ignore people who are using guilt and emotion to make you feel bad. They have their own issues. I was going to write about wonderful childcare that is available, and my own childminder who is literally a member of our family, who my children say “I love you” to, who cried when my oldest left her care but in your case you don’t even have to worry about that!
This is not a SAHP / WOHM dilemma. This is someone being manipulated by their partner.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

Sorry OP. Seeing your later updates I'd be reconsidering my plans to go part-time at all. Assuming your mum was available I'd be going back FT, paying her out of joint income with full tax, NI and pension and taking a very long hard look at my marriage.

This. Do this. I'm so sorry OP this sounds really hard. Your a great mum and your doing the best for your child.

I wonder what your mum sees in your husband, that you’re perhaps only just starting to, and why she has so strongly encouraged you to maintain some independence...

Your daughter is 6 months old and he has NEVER changed her nappy.

What the fuck.

You're a much better person than I am. I would've torn my husband a new A-hole if he behaved like that.

Quite so *MrsTerryPratchet.

But covid nights are long, people whisper promises like “don’t worry, I’ll withdraw” & “I’ll change”. & we really, really don’t want to believe our judgement was so off.

So just in case...

It would be one thing if you had both had a talk about managing childcare with you going back to work but he doesn't want to have this conversation because he has decided what he wants. He has started off by not helping at all in the hope that you find it all too much and think you can't cope with work and childcare and cave in. The moment you find a solution that doesn't fit his plan he is not happy, this tells you a lot. DO NOT cave in OP - he has shown you who he is and it isn't someone who is a good partner and father.

Another one who thinks:

• your mum sounds amazing
• your DH sounds awful

Whether to become a SAHM is your choice, but would caution against it in this situation. Your son will have consistent 1:1 care from someone who loves him (just shared between you and your mum), which is great and you get to keep your options open in terms of career. Big Win, which many women (without intending any shade to SAHMs) would be absolutely delighted with!

Is your DH sexually magnetic, great in bed fascinating or charming? This is not a question I expect you to answer on here, but otherwise I can't really see his redeeming features and think you'd be better off in a platonic relationship with your mum !

SAHM good and working mum bad is so ridiculously simplistic and is purely being used to manipulate you and guilt you.

Where is his paternal side?

SAHM only does bulk of weekday childcare. Working partners still do 50% or cooking and cleaning and weekend childcare. Is he up for this?

If for any reason you do agree to this you must make sure you receive a monthly allowance to spend as you choose. There are many pitiful stories on here of woman who made this choice being left without their own disposal income. You could ask him what allowance you would get and he might rapidly go off the idea!!

Don't have any more kids with this man until he becomes a supportive partner and pulls his weight.

The relationship sounds unbalanced and your mum is propping it up by doing his share. Id be wanting to work to maintain my independence and options until i saw real and sustained improvements.

At just 6 months old, if the situation allows it, a child thrives best with one of their own parents as their main caretaker. Those who've done differently with their children when they didn't need to, can choose to feel defensive about that because they don't want to hear it, but that's their issue.

Hi, @MixMatch. It was me you've insulted, called unmaternal, implied that because I didn't love being at home with a baby I was a cold, defective bitch. Don't spout some bullshit at me about how that's not what you said. You know very well what you meant, and so did I.

Incidentally, when I went back to work - a whopping 3 days a week until my DC was 1, so still with them far, far more hours than not - my DC was cared for by DH. Who was on SPL. So both my child and I were thriving fine, no? Except you didn't really mean "one of their parents" there. You meant their mother only. Because women must CONFORM. Is my DH defective for taking on caring duties? After all, it's not part of his role. He should have stuck to the template. What a bad man he is. How cold and unmaternal I am to think that both of us should have a chance to care for our DC, and both of us also benefited from working.

I guess all women - even women who have no husband, or a shit husband who looks likely to fuck her over, given the slightest chance, as it unfortunately seems like the OP has - should stay at home no matter what it costs them. But hey, at least they'll be meeting your expectations.

He wants another baby to keep you tied to the house and out of a job.

What a shit husband and father he is. How upsetting.

By all means have a second baby OP with a man who loves you and sees your relationship as a partnership, unlike your 'd'h who so very obviously doesn't.

But, as a pp said, definitely belt and braces with contraception, reinforced by total abstinence for good measure.

And go back 4 days not 3.

I haven’t read all the replies. But I’m a professional and decided to stay at work partly for the same reasons you did - as it would be difficult to reenter the job market after a break.

I work 3 days and think it’s a great balance, it’s refreshing to have a break from childcare on my working days and a break from work on my DS days. I have lots of time to enjoy my DS without going stir crazy.

I did the same, 12 hour days on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday then 4 wonderful days with the DC. Loved it. And it meant I stayed on exactly the same career path.

Me again. Could you go back 4 days and move in with your mum for a year? It would help her out and get you out of your marriage. Sounds like you would make a great team caring for your child x

I think it’s very clear who the selfish one is. ‘Another child? Not sure Id have had this one if I’d realised you had no intention of being a parent.’
‘Maternal instinct? How would you know what that is? You’ve never changed a nappy or done bath time. You’re so uninvolved as a parent I wouldn’t be surprised if you forgot her name.’

OP I'm sorry for getting derailed by a poster I should have known better than to give the time of day too. I just hate the idea of people putting their sexist bullshit on top of the line of sexist, controlling, selfish, manipulative bullshit you're getting from your DH.

I too would consider going back 4 days (and do make sure your contraception is 100% solid; I really hate to say it but with the way your H is acting, I wouldn't put him sabotaging a condom or pill out of the question). On 4 days you can look at compressed hours or simply stick to 0.8 and still make a really decent salary and have advancement prospects. I'm glad you have strong support from DM. You must feel so lost and confused at what your H has turned into. Don't stop posting; the nest of vipers has your back.