Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

To those posters who asked, I do not recognise the man I married. I wish I was joking when I say he has never changed a nappy, done bath time, bed time, a feed, etc. With the lockdowns we have been in, he has been WFH as well which makes it even more disappointing. I am not suggesting he does not work but he finds time to go for walks, watch TV, etc but cannot possibly change a nappy or anything to help me as it is "my job".

I think deep down I know this marriage is doomed if he does not change his ways and I am afraid that if I do not go back to work, I will be reliant on him which I do not want for DD or I.

Do not put all of your financial eggs in a basket held by your DH - he seems to be awful and controlling - and I am guessing not just in this area.

Please keep your career OP, I think you're going to need it

FWIW my ex husband had the same view as yours and my GOD, I am glad I didn't give my career up.

Holy crap some of the sexist attitudes! You don't have to 'dump' your children in a nursery. I know a couple, both went part time. 4 days work each, and no, they weren't lesbian, because, hey, men can care for children as well you know. I didn't use a nursery before London leaps in , but that was my choice not my husband's, who generally did a lot of bedtimes and nappy changes. Most posters are making sense OP, and I'm afraid you have a DH problem, he's guilt tripping you so HE doesn't have to be a parent.

If something happens to him he'll be bloody glad you kept your career going as you'll be the only earner.
He's being wierd and irrational.

You are being very sensible, and I think you're possibly quite right in your assessment of the survival chances of this marriage. I mean, would you seriously consider having another child with this man at this point?

Your DH sounds abominably selfish, and quite prepared to be unpleasant to get his own way. Telling you you are not maternal is genuinely shocking.

Oh blimey OP. Being a SAHM is a very risky decision even with a wonderful, fair and supportive husband. Bluntly, your husband sounds absolutely awful and none of those things. So you would be an absolute fool to give up your independence and risk your future for a lazy twat who won’t even parent his own child and tries to bully and insult his wife so as to avoid having to step up and lift a finger. He doesn’t really think your not maternal or any other awful things he’s said, he just knows how much being told that will affect a new mum and so it’s a very low blow to try and bring you into line. No one who loves their spouse would behave like that. He sounds like a cretin.

I’d be looking seriously at leaving the waste of space husband. He has let you down in the worst possible way, failing totally to step up as a husband and father and left your mum to do what he should be doing. For goodness sake don’t get pregnant again. He’ll probably push for another baby to trap you at home again.

We’re in a very fortunate position where we could have afforded for me to stay home if I wanted. I absolutely didn’t. My husband would have been happy and supportive of whatever I wanted (because he loves me and isn’t a twat) and, because he knew it was important to me to maintain my career, and because he wanted to be an involved parent, plus we both wanted nursery not to be full time, we decided to both work four days per week and it’s worked brilliantly for us. I’m not trying to be smug I’m just trying to show that a man who actually believes that more time at home than in nursery is best for the child will step up and do his bit to make that happen.

I'd be interested to know his attitude to buying baby things so far.

He doesn't sound the type to pay maintenance or pay half the nursery costs.

He sounds like a nightmare.

I suspect if your H had actually stepped up in the past 7 months you wouldn't even be thinking of going back to work early. He is showing his true colours, you don't like it, so you are, consciously or unconsciously, taking steps to preserve your financial independence.

Good, because I think you're going to need it.

How dare he say you aren't maternal while at the same time HE HAS NEVER FED HIS OWN CHILD! Where's his paternal love then? Total hypocrite.

This is so cliched I'm finding it hard to believe.

OP, probably not what you want to hear but your ‘D’H sounds like a sexist, selfish moron.

He’s never changed a nappy?! Never done bath time? W T A F? How old is he? Is he physically disabled?

Think long and hard before having any more children with him, this is who he is and now you know what your future is if you stay with him.

You also need to consider what sort of influence his backward sexist views will have on your DD..

It’s 2021!

@whattodo202000

To those posters who asked, I do not recognise the man I married. I wish I was joking when I say he has never changed a nappy, done bath time, bed time, a feed, etc. With the lockdowns we have been in, he has been WFH as well which makes it even more disappointing. I am not suggesting he does not work but he finds time to go for walks, watch TV, etc but cannot possibly change a nappy or anything to help me as it is "my job".

I think deep down I know this marriage is doomed if he does not change his ways and I am afraid that if I do not go back to work, I will be reliant on him which I do not want for DD or I.

So glad you have spotted this risk

If you got up early and left your dd with your dh for a few hours with a feed ready to give would he look after dd?
I’d be tempted to go to your dm’s for a day. He should be able to care for his own dd.
Does he get up in the night with her?

Unless there were serious financial problems, why the rush to leave your tiny baby so quickly with strangers after a mere 6 months?? This is precious time with your child you'll never get back

Some of us are not cut out for only having a baby or small child for company for months and years. My mother was much happier having a job to go to, which meant that life was better for me too.

There are so many posts on MN where the woman is in a dreadful situation, 20 years down the line with three children. I can’t help thinking, surely you realised what he was like after one baby-why stay with him and have more and dig yourself deeper and deeper. This OP is at that exact point where she can either sign up for decades more of this shit or shut it down and keep hold of herself and her independence. I’m rooting for her that it’s the latter.

@whattodo202000

To those posters who asked, I do not recognise the man I married. I wish I was joking when I say he has never changed a nappy, done bath time, bed time, a feed, etc. With the lockdowns we have been in, he has been WFH as well which makes it even more disappointing. I am not suggesting he does not work but he finds time to go for walks, watch TV, etc but cannot possibly change a nappy or anything to help me as it is "my job".

I think deep down I know this marriage is doomed if he does not change his ways and I am afraid that if I do not go back to work, I will be reliant on him which I do not want for DD or I.

You’re right there.

Keep your job @whattodo202000.
Have a word with your mum and let her know about the situation.

I’m assuming you’ve already had words about his lack of ‘engagement’ in being a father to his dc. Worth trying again??

@London1977

Well i can see the 'you must go back to work' brigade are out in force.

So I'll go against the grain. It's up to you. It's your choice. You're the mum, you gave birth, you have the maternal instinct. But if you're happy leaving someone else to raise your baby, you go for it. I will say this though, a someone who spent 9 years working in some of the 'best' nurseries, when your baby cries they will not pick them up and cuddle them. Fact. So you enjoy your independence. If you can't even wait until they're a year old before gagging to go back to work, i don't think maternal instinct is your strong point. Of course everyone here will disagree with me, but then they all work don't they.

I don't work actually. I've been a SAHP since DS was born, he's 5 and I've got 1 year olds twins I had a career before DS came and I'll look for work when DT go to school full time. My Mom was also home with us full time until o went to school.

And I still think you're bang our of order and rude.

Being away from your DD for 3 days a week will not harm her at all and may do both of you some good IMO. What might harm your daughter is having a useless dad who does nothing for her, possibly making her feel unloved and/or teaching her that taking care of children is women's work. He has absolutely no right to be criticising your parenting here.

I think deep down I know this marriage is doomed if he does not change his ways I think you need to tell him and put at least an internal deadline on him growing up.
and I am afraid that if I do not go back to work, I will be reliant on him which I do not want for DD or I exactly, you'll be on here saying I'm so miserable, but I have no money, I can't leave and posters will berate you for getting yourself in this situation.

I know @bluepie I really wish I was joking. If my DM had not stepped in and helped me, I think I would have really struggled doing everything on my own. I cannot believe what/who he has become. Interesting what posters are saying, he is very keen to try for another and feels that it is "selfish" for us not to give DD a sibling. I didn't realise it was this bad, it is only now I am actually stepping back and thinking through what he does, I cannot think of anything he has done with DD. I want to get through this lockdown, hopefully get involved with a baby group and have a DH who either steps up or goes away.

My DH has never done a bath time, nappy change, anything to do with DD's upbringing.

This made me so sad Why is he a dad then? Or maybe dad is not the appropriate word for what his contribution is. Did he want this baby?

May I add OP, your mum sounds like such a lovely woman. She raised you with great values and is now offering to help you so your DD grows up in the same way. I would be questioning what kind of values your DD's 'dad' will teach her, but she already has two strong women in her life who will be standing up to her.

Listen to your mother. Go to work if you want to, or don't go if you don't want to. But definitely do not become a SAHP just so your DH can keep getting out of his responsibilities as a parent. What would he do if you ever split up and he had to have the kid/s for days on end, on his own? I bet he doesn't even know her bedtime routine, nappy size, or what foods she's starting to like.

Your updates make it even more clear that giving up your career would be a huge mistake.
Once he's got you dependant on him what next? Mr I Earn The Money I Call The Shots appears?

Nah. This is not someone it would be wise to make yourself vulnerable with.

Cross post.

he is very keen to try for another and feels that it is "selfish" for us not to give DD a sibling. I didn't realise it was this bad, it is only now I am actually stepping back and thinking through what he does, I cannot think of anything he has done with DD.

My question to him would be WHY does he want children? If he doesn't do anything with them? Is it do with maintaining his social status, putting a profile pic of the baby on Facebook so people congratulate him on what a great father he is?

What's selfish is him not helping out. I can't understand why he thinks this is your job only. The child has two parents who live together, they should both be involved. Please do not have another baby with him unless he completely changes his attitude.

OP, your DH appears to be the selfish one, not you! I think it’s so wise to keep your job. It’s only 3 days a week, still leaving you plenty of time to be at home with your DD.

6 months is absolutely fine for a child to attend nursery or childminder for a few days a week.

I reduced hours after my first child and went down to 3 days a week after my second. It kept me sane in the early years. For various reasons (nothing to do with my husband) I ended up leaving my job when my youngest was 2. That’s been a couple of years now, and whilst I’ve been doing various projects/study since then, my confidence has been dented. I sometimes wish I’d keep that job. If it’s a job you enjoy, please don’t leave it!