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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being pressured to become a SAHM

526 replies

whattodo202000 · 17/01/2021 16:10

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

OP posts:
Gassylady · 03/10/2021 20:58

@whattodo202000 your mum has proved to be correct. Well done you for sticking to your guns and returning to work. Clearly its a total mystery why you dont feel you want to add another totally dependent human into the mix Shock You have keot your earning capacity and independence which means thoughts of splitting are not as scary to contemplate as they are for some.

honeylulu · 03/10/2021 21:08

FGS get a coil or some form of contraception he can't tamper with. He wants you pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen (powerless and in your place in other words).
Have a really good think about if this marriage can work for you. I'd be walking to be honest. He sounds like a misogynist to me and they seem to get worse over time, not better.

HandlebarLadyTash · 03/10/2021 21:11

Dump him.
do not sleep with him, do not cook, wash, serve him
He is not your lord and master, he is a lazy man child.

fournonblondes · 03/10/2021 21:17

I always planned to stay for the first whole two years. I ended up waiting until nursery because I had some terrible experience with nannies and babysitters. However, your job is part time ( ideal) and your mother is taking charge so it should be fine. As long someone who loves the baby is there everyday when you are at work.

OakPine · 03/10/2021 21:19

You simply have a mismatch in what you want from life.

He seems to want to be the big man, going out to do an important job while little wifey stays at home, looks after the babies and the house, and does what he tells her.

You, unsurprisingly don't want to live like a 1950s Stepford housewife.

If he hasn't done so already, he is not going to step up and do his fair share of housework and child care. He will not change.

Either you accept that this is your life for the next 10-20 years or you get out of your marriage. Your choice.

Goldbar · 03/10/2021 21:22

Agree with pp above. Have you been clear with him why you don't want another? Have you told him in no uncertain terms, "you are a selfish, unpleasant man who does nothing for the child you already have or to support your wife"? Or are you afraid to say that to him (in which case, your situation is worse than you describe)?

waitingpatientlyforspring · 03/10/2021 21:31

You need to be clear to him that you will not be having another child to be a solo parent. He sounds a selfish arsehole, there is no way I would be staying with him long term let alone having another child with him.

gg12346 · 03/10/2021 23:36

Dont do it

pog100 · 04/10/2021 00:03

@gg12346

Dont do it
But you could do it i.e. Read the thread She didn't do it.

Along with everyone else I can't see why you are still with him, you said back in January that the relationship was doomed?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/10/2021 00:21

I would never give up my career, I have been divorced twice so thank God I never did or I'd have been stuffed.
Three days a week is ideal, you still have plenty of time with your LO and you have a foot in the door at work.
You cannot see into the future, anything could happen. I assumed my ex husband of 20 years and I would be together forever, he left one day with zero warning and never came back.

FangsForTheMemory · 04/10/2021 00:31

Of course he wants another. He’d then put you under yet more pressure to stop working.

Don’t do it.

felulageller · 04/10/2021 01:00

LTB

He's a shit dad and a shit DP.

timeisnotaline · 04/10/2021 01:30

I think you should be packing your suitcase again, he literally does nothing for you and your daughter.
I do mornings in our house, getting the dc ready and out the door. Dh picks them up and gets dinner on. We share bath story bed clean up. Weekends we share parenting. We are both full time. If I had one like yours I’d have thrown him back after dc1, which is what you should do. I’m glad you have a wise mother!

timeisnotaline · 04/10/2021 01:33

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I would never give up my career, I have been divorced twice so thank God I never did or I'd have been stuffed. Three days a week is ideal, you still have plenty of time with your LO and you have a foot in the door at work. You cannot see into the future, anything could happen. I assumed my ex husband of 20 years and I would be together forever, he left one day with zero warning and never came back.
I think she can see pretty clearly into the future by now and it’s either this marriage or happiness and self worth. I hope she chooses happiness and self worth!
EL8888 · 04/10/2021 01:58

Good on you for going back to work, glad it’s going well

Yeah he needs to step up, you need to give him a wake up call. Why do you let him do so little? Having a 2nd would be a mistake

Nancydrawn · 04/10/2021 05:14

I'm really glad you went back to work, OP.

What happens when you tell him clearly and plainly why you're uninterested in having another child?

And what's his relationship like with your daughter?

Whydidimarryhim · 04/10/2021 05:34

He’s not stepped up - why are you still with him - your daughter will be brought up with this view of a man - her Dad - why are you not valuing yourself that you need more from a relationship -
He’s a misogynist. Women’s work!!!!

Original poster
whattodo202000 · 04/10/2021 10:22

Thanks for the replies! I am certainly NOT getting pregnant with him again and we are not having sex full stop. I am going to sound so cold and calculated but truth is I am quietly planning my escape. I feel he has had ample time to change and every time I bring it up with him he says he feels "attacked" then walks out the house! He KNOWs why we are not having sex or going to be trying for another child. Part of me has been hoping he would go off and have an affair and save me being the "bad" one. I feel so silly getting a divorce (we have only been married shy of 3 years) but know that there is no other option. To those who ask why I have stayed with him, I was waiting to get settled in a routine back at work (which I am now) and wanted to gain my strength post birth. How does kicking him out work though? We are married and joint mortgage holders on the house. When people say kick him out, how can I legally do that? I need to speak to a solicitor which is something I will aim to do end of this month to get some advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodo202000 · 04/10/2021 10:24

I am have also been in a state of shock at how much he changed since our DD arrived. He is a completely different person. I feel so silly but not much I can do. Even my DM can't believe what he has become, madness.

OP posts:
pog100 · 04/10/2021 10:30

Sounds eminently sensible to me and I think he has some big, deserved, surprises coming to him. You are right, you need legal advice but my understanding, gleaned mostly from MN I admit, is that in a non-abusive situation like this you can't 'kick him out'. It's his home too. You have to hope that when you have made it clear that you are separating, he sees that it's more sensible to move out and prepare for a divorced life. He may be advised not to though, until financial settlements are made. You could also move out of course. The solicitor will advise, but it's plainly obvious it's the right thing to do. Well done.

Seasonschange · 04/10/2021 11:01

Op I am not saying your DH is abusive. But often abusive men do not become abusive until his partner is pregnant or has given birth. I wonder if the same social mechanisms are at play here for your DH turning into a misogynistic bellend?

What I’m trying to say is, please don’t feel silly for not realising he would be so rubbish at supporting you. It happens a lot.

It’s such a shame he’s not done a u-turn and doesn’t seem to even see how he’s changed his side of things!

Seasonschange · 04/10/2021 11:04

People love to chant “kick him out” but legally you can’t force him. Often one person moves into their parents /friends/ rented house but you can’t force him to do that. Some people stay living together until the house is sold. Think about what you’d prefer financially and emotionally.

Original poster
whattodo202000 · 04/10/2021 12:20

There is no abuse, he is just completely absent so I am happy to keep things ticking along while I get myself the advice I need and get a solid plan in place. He is into gaming, likes to go out for his hobby so I rarely see him. If he was in my face all the time I probably would be more urgent about leaving but in all fairness aside from doing the odd bit of washing for him and cooking an extra plate of dinner - it is like being home alone with my DD most of the time. I am also glad that there is no "atmosphere" or shouting- he hates conflict so if there is anything, he will just disappear to his "office" or go out. I am also lucky that we have a spare bedroom so he spends his evenings in there. I have no idea why he doesn't want a divorce, it is no life really is it? Im satisfied for now since I have my DD and have a busy life but for him I really don't understand what he is hanging round for.

I am due a promotion soon at work with a salary increase which has come as a pleasant surprise and it would be handy to have that in hand before I start the divorce process.

OP posts:
Naunet · 04/10/2021 13:35

He is into gaming, likes to go out for his hobby so I rarely see him

Are you sure he isn’t cheating?! Either way, even if you do play the role of the Bad Guy, who cares? This is your life, and it turns out you married a controlling, misogynistic prick, who uses his own daughter to try and control you.

I’m so glad you’re leaving, don’t feel bad about the length of the marriage, I left my husband after less than 2 years because he changed too. I knew I’d be judged for it, but I really didn’t care, they didn’t have to live my life. You’re doing the right thing, for both yourself and your daughter.

Good luck with the promotion!

redastherose · 04/10/2021 13:45

Thanks for the update, I remember reading your post last year. It is worth working out where you stand with child maintenance, housing etc before making the split so you are not left surprised. If you jointly own the house you can't make him leave nor can he make you leave. You will need to either be able to buy him out of the house or be able to rent your own place if he was to buy you out. Not sure what your salary is but if you are only on part time wages you might want to look at 'entitled to' to see if you will qualify for any benefits following a split.