Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

Well.. this isn’t failing it’s a strength

Tell him that you are not hired help and that if he managed it before, he can Hoover, clean, tidy and cook just as well as you, and your dd care needs to be shared.

You tell him you’re going back to work as agreed, and that he will start as of now pitching in 50% of all work because if this marriage doesn’t make it, he’ll need to be able to run his household AND care for dd on a 50/50 basis...

Getying out now is strong

...has never attempted to change a nappy, a feed, a ...bath for DD.

Well at least if he seeks child arrangement order with contact he will rapidly learn
With you around he will clearly never do it
Though i cannot fathom why you have never gone out and left him to it?
Leaving could be the best chancefor your dd to have a relationship with him

Full time work does still enable you to still enjoy your children.

Plrnty of hours in the day and paid leave

He has showed you by his trying to convince you that you had PND that there is a bottomless pit to how low he will stoop.

He is so awful.

He is the type that would have you counting every penny.

You don't know this man at ALL.

For him to have flicked a switch on his doing his share in the house once the baby arrived tells you just how controlling he is.

You sound like a great woman.

This marriages failure is down to HIM not you.

Women with children do NOT leave marriages easily.
It takes huge bravery and is to be admired.
Tell your mother everything.
Confide in friends.
Get support IRL.

I think as well lockdown has saved him from having to step up if you wanted to go out with friends for an evening, or meet for lunch during the day etc.... what would his reaction be if you wanted to stay over at a friends?

A twat is not a medal you should be wearing on your chest OP.

@wizzbangfizz

I think as well lockdown has saved him from having to step up if you wanted to go out with friends for an evening, or meet for lunch during the day etc.... what would his reaction be if you wanted to stay over at a friends?

Excellent point.

Having refused to do ANYTHING for his child, how woukd the OP get out.

This is an excellent point @wizzbangfizz

OP, he probably would have called you a "selfish neglectful mother" for wanting to meet friends.

His refusing to do anything would have made it very difficult for you to leave the baby for any amount of time.

Think on OP.
Run.

Well isn't he an arsehole. All the more reason yo have your own income. It's not your daughter he's thinking of.

He’s a real piece of work isn’t he. I wouldn’t consider having any more children with him. I’d definitely go back to work. I became a sahm as our children both had disabilities and needed someone at home and it just wasn’t workable with our jobs to split it. Don’t lose your independence. And how dare he comment on maternal instinct! Just because you want to work.

"My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. ... my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first."

I realise the thread has moved on somewhat with further info, but these two statements in your OP just leapt out to me, whattodo202000. The first is truthful (he really enjoys having 'staff' doing the drudgery for him), and the second is an attempt at just plain blackmail.

He things he's got you trapped now . That switch flicking as soon as you daughter was born, he's so sure he's got you trapped he thought it safe to drop the mask he's worn until now. You don't know this man. He looks like the man you married, but sadly, that man doesn't exist. He was an illusion spun by the selfish bastard squatting in your life. The man you see now is who he is, who he always was, and who he will always be. I'm so sorry . But it will save you a lot of time and heartache if you accept that this man WILL NOT CHANGE into the man he made you believe he was. He will not change his ways. He will not step up. The man you see now is who he truly is.

"I think deep down I am embarrassed by what he has become and the fact we have not been married that long (just over 2 years now) so would feel like a failure if we got a divorce sad."
Do NOT be embarrassed! Too many women have stayed in bad marriages for that non-reason. For starters, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You got played by a skilled operator, there is no shame in that. There WOULD be shame in sticking with him now the scales have fallen from your eyes.

So don't be embarrassed. Be grateful instead.

Be grateful that he overplayed his hand and moved too quickly. Had he kept his mask in place, shared the parenting, pulled his weight; well, he might have been able to persuade you to have a second child 'close together in age so they can be friends'. He might have been able to persuade you to abandon your career to achieve this. He might have been able to maintain his mask until then. Until you had a toddler and a babe-in-arms and no career to go back to. Instead, he pushed too hard too fast, and as a result, you - you have options. You still have a career. You have a supportive mother. You have somewhere to go. You have options.

I'm sorry you're going through this, @whattodo202000. It's shit. But it will be a lot shitter if you cling on to the fantasy that he will change back into the man you thought he was. He was never that man . He has always been the man you see now.

Hi everyone,

I am not sure if updating is the done thing but felt I owed it to everyone who took their time to give me some excellent advice. I cannot believe it was so long ago and hope it is ok to keep updating time to time!

So, where to start. Against DH's wishes I went back to work and currently work part time (3 days a week). My DM looks after my DD 2 days a week and 1 day she goes to nursery. I am so glad I did this and thank you to everyone who supported me on this thread as I nearly didn't go back to work. I feel I get a "rest" while I am at work and look forward to my time with my DD for the other 4 days. Of course, DH has not stepped up so I am doing everything DD related from the moment she wakes till she sleeps and get up in the night if she wakes! He is still fixated on trying for another and cannot understand why I am not up for it. I am beginning to wonder if this is going to work long term.

I've just read your thread and your update and honestly - this is done. He is never going to step up and support you. He is going to stick to his stone age view of how male/female relationships work. I'd be calling time on this marriage and going it alone - you're already working and doing everything for your DD, so what's the difference? And he'll have to pay maintenance too.

Don’t do it!! It would be total madness.
You would literally be better off a single mother, how can you tolerate it? My resentment would be boiling over

I too can’t understand what you get out of the marriage. Please do not have another, he will never change.

I met a friend on Friday, she works 3 days and has two girls, older primary. I thought she had a strong marriage but she shocked me by saying that they were on the verge of divorce as he does nothing, just works and exercises.

Refuses to help her with the kids activities (even at weekends, and when each has to be in a different place) and despite saying he doesn’t want to separate, also won’t step up and help. Does nothing in the house, never cooks, washes etc. She is already resigned to being a single mum, as she is effectively one now.

Please carry on working, and don’t listen to your ‘D’H regarding being maternal. I have young adults, and know very few people who were SAHP, all my friendship group worked and now have lovely, well adjusted young adults, including some who spent 3-5 days in nursery (my own included).

Your DD will benefit from you working in many ways, and you will from a continued career and pension. Both my DC have great work ethics and certainly have not been damaged by going to nursery.

Thank you for updating, OP. Updates are not necessary but they are generally very welcome - some posters come back to update a few years after their original post and it's always interesting to see how things have unfolded for them.

When you say your DH cannot understand why you are not up for trying for another - what does he not understand? Presumably you have made clear that you don't propose to have another child because he is failing to parent the one he already has? How does he respond when you put it to him in those terms? In any case, sad as it is, it does sound like things are done - you must be on the verge of losing all respect for him for failing to parent his child, if you haven't lost it already.

Have you told him why you don’t want another? I think he wants you to be a SAHM so he gets out of doing half the chores. He sounds lazy, selfish, and incredibly self centred. I can’t believe he won’t take care of his own daughter.

Of course he wants another! He does nothing. He could want 6 but it makes no difference to his life! Plus having another he gets to try and tie you down again. What on Earth do you get out of this marriage?

What’s the downside of kicking him out?

Honestly, I’m surprised you’re still with him

@twoandeights

What’s the downside of kicking him out?

Just what I was wondering...

What a shame. I have just read through and love it when people come back to update. Well done for sticking to your own needs and going back - it is not selfish at all but best for the family if everyone’s needs are met. As for your relationship - it may well be over but I think it would be good to leave him in no undertaking terms as to why it is over. Him pulling the bait and switch is a terrible thing to do for everyone concerned. I really hope you DM is doing well as sounds like she is a great support x

No it's not going to work long term, because fundamentally he sees your job is to raise children and do all of the housework like a good little woman. This is his deep seated belief and the sooner you can extricate yourself from this situation the better. Setting aside the impact on you, what will it be teaching your child?

It has to be what you want to do. I would not trust a man who tries to guilt me like that. How can you stay with him?

Have you actually asked him why he feels the need to be such a selfish fucker of a husband and farther?

Why is it acceptable to him that you do everything?

Why do you accept this OP?? 9 months later you're still there but now doing even more because you're back at work? I have no idea how you can stay with such an arsehole. I read your thread the first time and got the feeling you felt the marriage was pretty much over??

I would absolutely NOT become a SAHP