Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

Don’t let him play the MH card.
He may try to use this against you in a custody battle in the future.
Whatever you decide to do, make sure you’ve always got a get out plan if you need it in the future.

You have no reason to feel embarrassed or a failure.

It takes great courage to recognise that someone is not the person they led you to believe, to face up to that, and to act on the knowledge that you and your daughter's best interests are served by leaving them. The man who reeled you in was a lure on a hook. He won't return.

Some time with your mum in an environment with her support and without him putting you down and trying to manipulate you could be really good for you. (I am quite angry on your behalf not only at how he has treated you to try and trap you as his little housekeeper, but also that he pulled the hormones/mentally ill line when you tried to break free of his control previously).

I get why posters are suggesting giving lists of jobs and trying to enforce it, but really, why would you waste more energy acting as chief housekeeper? He is perfectly capable, he knows what he is and is not doing - he has made deliberate and repeated choices because he believes he is entitled to be waited on by you the lowly woman who provides him with babies and cleaning services; and because he thinks he's got you too trapped for you to leave him now he's revealed who he really is.

Men who behave like this have no respect for women. The relationship is already dead, whether you write out a cleaning rota (for him to ignore) or not.

Don't waste more of your life trying to change (or endure) someone who is behaving like this because he wants to behave like this, because behaving this way gets him what he wants, and because he believes you are inferior to him.

OP your situation is errily similar to my own. I went from earning a very good salary to becoming pregnant, being made redundant and then BOOM! Overnight I was dependant on a man who had 1950's view that women belonged in the kitchen. He had never shown this side of himself before he had me financially trapped (of course he didnt). He ground me down to almost nothing. I had no contact with other adults apart from my parents.

Then when i had 'spent' all my redundancy pay out (for spent see paid 50/50 on everything even though he was earning and i was just matching him from my redundancy pay) I said I needed to work and then he started complaining that i wasnt putting our DD first, childcare is cruelty etc. I said I needed to earn to at least pay my own car repayment and phone bill, which lead to an almighty kick off about how i shouldnt have such an expensive car (it was only a Renault Clio i had bought when i had a 70 mile round commute) and why did i need the latest iphone?! He of course had an iphone.

Long story short i was out of proper work for 3.5 years, taking a minimum wage call centre job - because he reluctantly agreed i could work 2 days a week - and then did some freelance teaching in what was my old area of work. The old boss who hooked me up with the freelancing role saved me from the brink! When I finally had enough of all the other horrible things about my ExP I managed to just about scrape back into a job in my old field, probably only one place lower down the ladder than when i left. I got 3 days a week agreed like you have been offered. They are longer days and it does make everything harder work wise, but for me that balance is right with being a mum too.

Do not give up your career or independance, you mum is right, she is so so very right. You OP has taken one look and realised how fucking incredibly hard it is to run a home and raise a child, because its insanely hard. I know its often called the hardest job in the world, and while i dont agree with that, I do agree its harder than 99% of 9.5 office jobs.

Ive not rtft but from the updates you have posted I think you should seriously consider how much happier you would be without him.

I get why posters are suggesting giving lists of jobs and trying to enforce it, but really, why would you waste more energy acting as chief housekeeper? He is perfectly capable, he knows what he is and is not doing - he has made deliberate and repeated choices because he believes he is entitled to be waited on by you the lowly woman who provides him with babies and cleaning services; and because he thinks he's got you too trapped for you to leave him now he's revealed who he really is

This. The switch flipped because he wanted it to flip.

@category12

I think going home to mother is a good shout, tbh. Maybe it will shake him up enough to rethink what he's doing. If not, don't go back.

Hmm, or to pretend and make grand promises of change until she goes back... Then carries on as before, confident in the knowledge that she will be too embarrassed to leave a second time after realising he manipulated her or that no matter how badly he treats her he'll always get her to come back.

He hasn't been consistently behaving like this and manipulating the op accidentally.

Given you've only been married two years, congratulate yourself on not wasting longer on him! Don't fall for the fallacy of sunk costs. Some people might gossip about a short marriage but what do you care what they think? I think you are now seeing the real him. Plenty of people here are saying you should leave. By the way, being maternal is not the equivalent of an unpaid domestic drudge.

I would not put it past him to stage a contraceptive accident eg your contraceptive pills just disappear unexpectedly if you're away for a weekend (if the lockdown ever lifts) or the condom comes off. (I can't quite shake the mental image of him with a darning needle puncturing condoms in the packet either.) I would leave him but if you're not going to do that right away, keep a secret morning after pill, and/or a back up set of contraceptive pills stashed safely somewhere and double up on contraception if you can.

The working environment is changing ever more quickly. I think in the past that people might have found it easier to slot into a job after a break because jobs didn't change that quickly then. I think I would find it very difficult now though if I took a break.

As for all those people banging on about being home with them when they are little, it can help to have money when they are older. If you need a tutor for a university course or school subject you can just hire somebody, You can afford orthodontists. You can take them to a dermatologist before they get acne scars. You can pay for the stuff needed for sports and trips.

You are very lucky to have your mother.

Oh yes, and as for doubling down on contraception, I'd say yes, though if that was my "D"H, there is no way I would be sleeping with him at all - the best kind of contraception . Laziness and misogyny (not to mention telling you you are mentally ill because you want him to step up and make some contribution to the running of the household and/or fatherhood - unforgiveable) is pretty unattractive in a man, tbh!

Your husband seems to have a lot to say about selfishness OP, it's reminding me of that saying that we see in others our own flaws. You clearly care about your DD, DM, and trying to work out what's best for all of you, even with the burden your husband is putting on you.

He's being selfish, heartless, and cruel to you and your DC. Really, you're sadly living my nightmare - I was terrified my spouse who was very eager for children would end of being hands off. As others said, I'd make absolutely sure another child is off the table with how he's acting - I think it would be far more selfish to bring another child in whose father won't engage.

However the normal human and natural instinct of a mother is to want to bond to and spend quality time with her own child.

That's the ideal, but we can see throughout the rest of the animal kingdom, all of human history, and the world around us that actually, no, whatever cultural norms and ideals we put on mothers, the range of natural goes far beyond it into an overdrive of overprotection to a child's detriment all the way through to those who kill their young (and eat them, in some species). There is a reason "mother's little helper" drugs and drinking have for so long been associated with caring for children - particularly those who do it all day - and many societies have more communal expectations around infant care. The mother raising alone is a very modern ideal that has nothing to do with nature or normality.

Those who've done differently with their children when they didn't need to, can choose to feel defensive about that because they don't want to hear it, but that's their issue.

My children have never been in childcare and have always had a parent at home, whether me or their father. We've home educated our children for over a decade. My oldest was home full time until his first day of college on his 15th birthday, and even before schools closed was on a part-time college schedule. Very few people spend as much 'quality time' with their children as we have over the years (if by that we mean being home with them) -- but I don't think we should apply recent models of what a good parent is onto anyone as a stick to beat them with, even more when their husband is already doing that while doing fuckall.

We've a lot of data that father's biology changes with children too, in fact there are some evidence that part of why humans have been so successful is proactive fathers in pair-bonding within a community structure early in our evolutionary split-off -- so he has no natural or normal excuse to be pulling this shit on her from any sociobiological data I've ever seen.

When did your mother start taking about financial independence OP? Did she perhaps see something in your DH that you did not?

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. It is absolutely not your fault.

In your position I think I would sit him down and tell him your marriage is in trouble and very calmly describe the change you have seen in his behaviour and then ask him a very open ended question about it like 'what do you think?'. First off though I might make myself a list of unacceptable explanations (your imagination, PND, etc) just to keep me in track and not doubt myself.

However I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to throw the towel in right now. There should be absolutely no question about you keeping your job. You want to. All other considerations are void.

Omg I don't know of you're still reading OP, but go back to work. Please please go back to work. And get long term good contraception. I couldn't trust a man who acted as if he supported my career then did a total 180.

It sounds like he just thought once the baby came you would just 'see the light' and stay home. It isn't even about childcare tbh, because your mum is looking after your baby, a family member.

I would feel so betrayed and upset. And wtf is with the not caring for his own child! Sounds like he wants to live in 1940, and I would not be time travelling with him

"I am now at a point where I WILL be going back to work part time (with DM looking after DD while I am working) for now and see where we go from here. He is sulking at the moment but I am past the point of caring how - I really have had enough of this. I am thinking of moving in with DM temporarily again, at least I will have the support I am not getting here."

You do realise here that his sulking now is actually a form of emotional abuse along with an attempt to get you back into line. The responsibility for his sulk is all his. Carry on with your day as normal and completely ignore him. Your mother has indeed given you good counsel; you need that further support too.

"I think deep down I am embarrassed by what he has become and the fact we have not been married that long (just over 2 years now) so would feel like a failure if we got a divorce"

Divorce is not failure OP and not being married very long is not a reason for staying. Ok so your separation and or divorce may well be a topic of conversation short term but those that mind do not matter and they have not lived with your controller of a H. Its more than ok these days to end a marriage and particularly so when you are being controlled like you are within it. Would you want your child as an adult to live like this; no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. He did not become this though; this is who he always has been with him gradually and by degrees ramping up the power and control over time. Do not at all blame yourself here for any of this nor not spotting any abuse; it was well hidden and probably started too with just the odd comment. Abuse like this is truly insidious in its onset.

Look at his parents far more closely; they taught him about relationships and it is likely this is learnt behaviour. Such men do not change and your H will not change.

He is not the man you thought he was; it was an act he put on for you and one he could not ever hope to maintain in the long term. Abusive men too often only show their true natures far more openly when their woman aka possession is pregnant or when she gives birth. This is who he is; a controlling man who wants children solely to keep you tied to the home where he thinks you belong.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. I would suggest you go to your mother's asap and once settled there start planning your exit from this marriage. He will not let go of you all that easily.

As PP said there is no shame in divorce or only being married for 2 years. I would not be wasting any more time on this selfish controlling arsehole.

Your answer to anyone presumptuous enough to pass comment is quite simply, "He is not the man I thought he was."

Such a profound switch flip does really, really sound like a deliberate bait and switch once he thought he had you "trapped"

OP I'm so sorry. You must be so heartbroken that someone you loved and trusted had pulled this on you.

Stay strong (and employed). We're here for you.

You haven’t failed at all! You need to think about what an amazing parent you are to your DD! He has failed you and your DD. He hasn’t stepped up to being a parent at all, he has failed miserably. He has let your DD down massively.

And making you feel like it was hormones and PND is just gaslighting you. That’s awful! I would go to your Mum’s.

A divorce now would not be a failure. He deceived you before marriage and during pregnancy by claiming he supported working mothers. The truth is out now and he is sulking because his attempt to control you has failed.

I would kick his sorry arse to the kerb. He is a pathetic excuse for a husband and doesn’t deserve the title father.

Also it doesn’t matter why you separate or divorce it’s got fuck all to do with anyone else, no one else is living your relationship. And actually if a friend of mine told me the same story I would be horrified for them and nothing but supportive.

Divorcing a man who has stopped behaving like a husband isnt a failure, its successful life management.
Move in with your mum, if DH wants to have contact, he'll have to have DD on his own, but I doubt he'll bother.

Well done on sticking to your guns OP. If it helps, I went to creche/nursery at 4 months and I love my DM and think she is ace.

Single mum here.

You do whatever you need to do to retain your financial independence.

Too many stories on here about women being the SAHM mum to then be financially shafted longer term.

Don't do this to yourself.

My DD went to crèche etc, I had a live in nanny and now she's secondary school she boards part time when I travel for work.

She is happy and independent as am I.

OP,

He is the utter failure here and he is abusive.

He's trying to bully you to give up your financial independence so that he can control you.

He tried to convince you that YOU have MH problems because he refused to help with a new baby.

Utterly and completely unforgivable.

Please pack your bag and go to your mother's.

Go back to work fulltime.

Your marriage is OVER.

I would advise you NEVER trust him again.

Have you any idea how nasty a man would have to be, to try and convince a new mother she has PND, because he has refused to do a thing?

Unbelievable.

Ring Women's Aid and see what they say.

He wants you at home, knee deep in babies so you can be exposed to the real him.

I so hope you can see the reality of your situation.

Truly shocking.

Pack a bag and go to your mother.
Please.

Getting divorced is not a failure, I so deeply wish I had divorced as soon as I realised I was living in an abusive marriage instead of putting up with years of crap, which in turn scarred my poor children.

I also held on to my job despite ex doing everything he could to make me quit/lose my job. And to this day I thank god every single day that I did.

My DC went to nursery, had nannies and childminders. They are thriving and doing amazingly well and we have retained friendships with the childminders and their DC. We have a solid tight knit friendship circle as a result.

Don't stay in a toxic relationship because you're worried what the neighbours think, I can guarantee you the neighbours will have their own problems to be focussing on.

You live your life and focus on achieving your happiness, living on scraps and being someone's drudge is no living, he sounds like he would hold the fact he is the breadwinner over your head forever. I've read horrific threads on here over the years of women having to plead to buy new shoes when theirs are falling apart and their H is buying himself gaming equipment and designer clothing, one woman had no coat in winter and was heavily pregnant but was prioritising buying her DC clothes over herself whilst her H was living very comfortably. Some threads I can't forget.

I've drummed it into my DC never ever to become financially dependent on any one.

OP - have you asked him why he's changed his mind from what you agreed previously? It seems like a huge change and I'm wondering how he's justified it to himself. It's also so unusual these days for a dad to nothing for their baby - does he have friends who do the same?

In your shoes I'd definitely move to your mum's for a while. And wouldn't even think about reconciliation unless something major changed.

OP, ending a poor marriage is a confident and assertive move far from failure.

You need to return to work because you will become out of touch with what's needed for your career if you don't. Then you really will be in the shit.

I'd be getting things sorted in the background for a move to your mum's, then once you're back at work and earning again, leave.

that flipped switch is deliberate. And the reason I know? Because he suddenly stopped doing the 50% that he WILLINGLY did prior to the baby, even though he had managed that perfectly well while working full time.

Had he continued to do his equal share, and happy to split baby care during evenings and weekends, then he may have had a credible argument, but the fact that the moment that a child came along, he actually decreased his input to the household, due to being the big I AM with the job, speaks volumes

Part time is a good balance but do not give up financial independence. Ive seen people do it, then try and return to workplace after children (& divorce) and really struggle with any kind of decent salary. Part time does enable you to still enjoy your children.