Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

I agree with what @Whatatune says.

Hang on to the job no matter what. Your husband does not have your back and is only in it for himself. Do not have another child with him.

GO BACK TO WORK!

You have no idea what an impact this has on your career until you go back. Go back while you can. Early. The reason why women are scunnered so badly, no matter how educated, is maternity leave. All things being equal, being a woman wouldn't make any difference. It does, because of this.
I learnt the hard way. It has taken me until nearly 50 to work my way back up and even then who knows what would've been.

Op,Courts no longer protect SAHMs since a ruling in 2015 so women if divorcing have to work and it's mostly court ordered.

This is incredibly difficult to get back into work if you have stopped a career. In addition child maintenance is 10% of his salary, adjusted downwards for nights he might have your daughter and it's capped so even if he is a higher earner you lose out.. Most mums don't realise this but if you got out a spreadsheet and worked out the figures you would see how screwed SAHM mums are.

Given the divorce rate is 50%, who would take the chance? A 1 in 2 chance of being financially screwed over.

@FloconDeNeige

Right, I have rtft now and it makes me want to stab your ‘D’H in the face.

I’m so sorry OP, that things have turned out like this for you. That your husband has shown his true colours and turned out to be a nasty, misogynistic prick.

I would say that you should go back to work and force him to do his fair share. But since he’s never even touched his own baby, this won’t work. He will actively sabotage and punish you for returning and possibly even deliberately neglect your child in an effort to control you. When he sees that his gutter blow of emotional manipulation in attempting to paint you as a bad mother hasn’t worked, he’ll step things up.

I don’t think this is redeemable, sadly. It looks like divorce is probably your only way of avoiding ending up as an abused, dependent husk of your former self, with no way out except poverty & benefits. This is a very bitter pill to swallow. But, you have the benefit of foresight and a supportive Mum you can lean on. As they say on here, pull up your big girl pants, as the next steps will be tough. Good luck 🤞🏻

OP, I'm sorry to say I agree with this.

I feel your DH is going to up the manipulation, because it's clear he wants you at home for his convenience, and is using your DD to push for this.

I think you should go and live with your mum, who is the real 2nd parent here. Your DD wil then get the benefits that come from both of you looking after her.

In the meantime, make sure your contraception is secure. If you try to go to work while still living with your DH, I'm sure that he will try to sabotage your efforts to work.

If he is to have any hope of a relationship with his child and a marriage with you then he needs urgently to learn how to look after his daughter and pull his weight.

What he's effectively doing is saying you will never be able to go out without your child because he is incapable, and he doesn't care.

@Techway

Op,Courts no longer protect SAHMs since a ruling in 2015 so women if divorcing have to work and it's mostly court ordered.

This is incredibly difficult to get back into work if you have stopped a career. In addition child maintenance is 10% of his salary, adjusted downwards for nights he might have your daughter and it's capped so even if he is a higher earner you lose out.. Most mums don't realise this but if you got out a spreadsheet and worked out the figures you would see how screwed SAHM mums are.

Given the divorce rate is 50%, who would take the chance? A 1 in 2 chance of being financially screwed over.

Eh? This is bollocks. What ruling in 2015?

Also child maintence is not 10% of income although it is reduced based on number of overnights. On the basic rate, if you’re paying for:
One child, you’ll pay 12% of your gross weekly income
Two children, you’ll pay 16% of your gross weekly income
Three or more children, you’ll pay 19% of your gross weekly income

There also isn't a cap although you need to go to court to get it topped up if the NRP earns over £3k a week since that is the limit for CMS. And the official divorce rate is 42%.

The OP still needs to keep her job though.

I'm so sorry OP. I can only add to the chorus of getting back to work and not having a second baby with this man (unless you're prepared to do all the work).

He basically wants a wife who will do all the chores and childcare, so he doesn't need to do anything.

He thinks YOU'RE being selfish? Why is this? Why doesn't he become a SAHP and put his dc first? Cheeky, double standard fucker!

I agree with your Mum. I remained financially independent and kept my job, and by Christ I'm glad I did. It all went tits up in my relationship, through no fault of my own. I was able to stay in the family home, with the dc, and buy him out. I have a friend who's been through exactly the same however she's a SAHP. She's now living in rented accommodation with no chance of ever buying her own home. She's financially fucked.

Listen to your Mum, she speaks sense and remember your dc won't be little forever and there will come a time you'll want to work. At that point if you're a SAHP, chances are you won't get back into your original field and it'll be an uphill struggle to retrain etc

If you think the marriage is doomed please don't give up work.... I can't tell you how glad I am for not giving up work.

I'm not particularly maternal, but that doesn't mean I don't adore spending time with my dc, I love my dc, but I also love my work and I love that I'm financially independent. For me I think I set a good example to my dc around work ethic and they have both grown up to be happy, healthy, well rounded individuals and both went into childcare before the age of 1 when I went back to work

I gave up my career to look after my children as it was important to my DH and I to have a parent at home and my only option was to return full time. He told me he would always support me and help me back into work when the time came. He even did his fair share of parenting / life admin when he wasn't at work. When I started to feel quite miserable about not working when our youngest was in nursery a couple of days and our eldest was at primary school, we had a discussion about me returning to work. I wanted to return, he thought I should stay at home until both the kids were settled in primary school. I relented, he was a good guy, I could trust him.

What did he do? Had an affair and pissed off the year our youngest started primary school. Leaving me with no employment history for almost 6 years and basically up the creek without a paddle. I'm back on my feet now but I would never advise someone to give up their career. Both parents should go part time.

Ditch the husband, he sounds awful.

Get good childcare and go back to work, ideally full time. Your H is sexist and a shit father.

Thank you for all the replies and sorry for not updating everyone individually. I did not expect so much so much support and thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.

To answer a few questions, his mother was a SAHM and has a negative view of women who choose careers over raising a family. This could be where he has got this idea from. It is like a switch flicked in his head once DD was born. Before she was here he did at least 50/50 on housework (without being prompted I might add) and was my biggest supporter in furthering my career and seeing me get promoted at my company. He always said he had the upmost respect for working mothers and when I was pregnant with DD was very keen that I not loose my career as I have worked so hard for it, I earn a good amount of income from it.

As soon as DD arrived, it is like he has forgotten how to load a dishwasher, how to hoover, how to put use the washing machine, etc and of course has never attempted to change a nappy, a feed, a bath for DD. A few weeks after DD arrived, I got so upset by everything (being fully responsible for DD, the night feeds, the upkeep of the house), I had what I can describe as a mini breakdown where I packed a suitcase and was going to move into my DM's for a few days but he managed to talk me round and made be feel like it was my hormones or PND.

I am now at a point where I WILL be going back to work part time (with DM looking after DD while I am working) for now and see where we go from here. He is sulking at the moment but I am past the point of caring how - I really have had enough of this. I am thinking of moving in with DM temporarily again, at least I will have the support I am not getting here.

I think deep down I am embarrassed by what he has become and the fact we have not been married that long (just over 2 years now) so would feel like a failure if we got a divorce .

It's not you failing tho - he's the one who went from being a partner and team player, to being a caveman and emotional blackmailer.

It's not on you. It's his choice to behave like this.

Has he explained his total U turn on the subject of working mothers and furthering your career? And indeed how come he's suddenly forgotten how to operate a washing machine? If it's because he thinks you've got all the time in the world to wait on him, tell him you're leaving him in sole charge for a day and will be fascinated for him to show you how easy it all is.

Op I would consider drawing up a list 50/50 tasks re housework and childcare etc. If he really pulls his weight and isn't gaslighting you he shouldn't have a problem with this, no?

So he talked you round by saying it was yuor issue but it isnt - he has caused you to feel this way.

I think you need to tell him this isnt hormones and it isnt PND it is his attitude to everything being on you where parenting should be split. How can he possibly think having another is a good idea.

You are going back to work and you are going to get support in doing so. Whether it is with him is up to him

I wonder whether the bit before the baby was a bit of a pretence, even if he didn't really realise it himself. People try very hard to show their best selves in the early stages of relationships and, let's face it, it is very easy to hold progressive pro-women values (not that being a SAHM or supporting that is anti-women btw, but being anti-choice or trying to force it definitely is, as is not bothering with proper fatherhood or helping your partner) when truly it costs you nothing at all!

When faced with the reality in the form of one child (it would be even worse with more than one, as really you do best by being able to double team!), his proclaimed values just don't stand up. This is not your failure - it is his. You are not responsible for any future relationship breakdown - you have more than kept up your side of the bargain. If he had told you on day one that the cost of being with him was committing to being chained to the sink until he agreed that you could go back to work without him helping you out even a bit, would you have married him? I know I would have run a mile!

If I were you, I'd pack a bag, spend some time with your mum working out what you want. Keep repeating to yourself that you are a FAR better mum (working or not - truly, this is not the issue, you have a great childcare option lined up where your son will be loved and safe) than he is a dad. And you are a great partner (as is your mum!!) - it's just a shame that he isn't.

@category12

It's not you failing tho - he's the one who went from being a partner and team player, to being a caveman and emotional blackmailer.

It's not on you. It's his choice to behave like this.

This

Exactly what @category12 said.

The marriage failing would be on him. And his behaviour is really shocking. He seems to think that working means he can check out of parenting altogether. Where on earth did he get that idea from? Does he want a relationship with his child? Decent working parents don't do that, even when one parent is at home. They share the childcare when they are both in the home together. My mum was an SAHM when my sister and i were younger (she trained as a teacher and worked when we were older). When dad got home from work, he would absolutely be changing nappies, bathing us, feeding us, reading us our bedtime story etc. And what about the weekends? Is it all still up to you? Astonishing.

His mum will have a stake in justifying her decision to stay at home and she may well have had fewer options then anyway. As mentioned above, my mum was an SAHM when we were younger and so were most of her friends and I will tell you something - depression was absolutely rampant in her social group. But some people are very well suited to being SAHPs and make truly excellent SAHPs. Other people (like me) do better if they work outside the home at least some of the time. I went back to work 4 days a week until our elder was 4 yo and then we swapped and my DH worked 4 days a week until our younger was in school. Both types of parenting bring benefits to the child and model different things all of which are important. I was raised never to depend on anyone else for my income and, for me, keeping some degree of financial independence and modelling that for your children are vitally important.

It takes a village to raise a child. The nuclear family is a relatively new social development. In the past, and still now in many other cultures, people lived together in extended family units with many other people (grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings etc) involved in the childcare. It is a good thing for a child to have several committed and caring adults in their lives. Having your DM care for your DD (and I agree with you, you should pay her for doing so) sounds like a perfect arrangement. There is also lots of good quality non-family childcare out there also. And if you're working part-time you will have the best of both worlds but full-time working mums are absolutely devoted parents too who focus on having quality time with their children when they are together.

But as for your DH - he sounds appalling. The marriage failing would be on him. And unless you are happy to be a single mother of two tiny children, do not for God's sake contemplate having another child with him. He needs to start doing some serious parenting now and for an extended period of time and accept you returning to work before you can begin to think about having another child with him. As PP have said - double-up on your contraception and don't trust him not to sabotage any form of contraception which he comes in contact with.

I am so angry on your behalf. And yes it is 100% him and not you.

I would 100% double up on contraceptive and when your DD is 2/3/4 (whenever you are ready) look to go back FT - this will financially allow you to exit longer term as your marriage is basically dead. This guy doesn't respect you or care for your happiness.

In the interim - give him work in the house make a list of jobs (yours and his) and make him do it. I would be forcing him to engage - do not make it easy for him.
Do not let him make out he is a "hero breadwinner" instead of a shirker who doesn't support his wife and is opting out of fatherhood and family life.

While he's so busy with his "I wants" perhaps you should be so assertive and give out some of your own.

"I want you to do the hoovering, tidying, dishwasher - take an active role in the family"

"I want you to look after our child - bath, feed, play, put to bed, change nappies"

"I want you to be the man I married"

See how he likes them apples. Don't have another child with him and dont become a SAHM. Good luck op

I think that you should go back to work, keep your financial independence, pay into your pension, have your own savings etc.
It's what I did and turned out vital when we split up.

Not being married for very long isn't a reason to stay together if it isn't working.

Make sure you have good contraception - the last thing you need is another baby in the mix.

I think going home to mother is a good shout, tbh. Maybe it will shake him up enough to rethink what he's doing. If not, don't go back.