Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

Of course you should go back to work. When you go back to work be very clear that you wont be the one doing all the drop offs picksup dinners and bathtimes..those need to be split.

This is so sad.
Why is he being verbally abusive and attacking you on such a hurtful topic in order to get his way.
Is every opinion that is different to his ‘selfish’
He sounds exhausting

Why doesn’t he want you to go back to a career you love if it makes you happy?

Why doesn’t he want to be a parent to his DD?

Why is his MIL stepping in to care for his child before he will

To me these are all too big to get over I think.
And I wouldn’t want DC growing up around someone who sounds so misogynistic.

Suggest if he is such a good father you could both go part time to be with Dd

Do not become dependant on this man.

The irony is that it is your husband, who is missing out on the time with your dd and your dd missing out on a relationship with her father. With this attitude, he will struggle to meaningfully bond with her.

I am a Sahm, idk how many of us are on this thread. I am at home for health reasons; my poor health. In consequence, dd went to nursery 3 days a week by the time she was 3. I was too ill to take care of her. My Dh has always done far more than yours with dd and certainly changed nappies. They have a very strong relationship and he’s taken her a few times away for her sporting events. How your husband is acting toward you and your dd is far sadder than your desire to return to work.

Hello @whattodo202000

What a very wise woman your mother is - and how sensible you are for taking her advice. I bet your husband "enjoyed" you you being on maternity leave and doing absolutely everything for the baby, for him and around the house. You've made life very comfortable for him and he's been utterly selfish in not lifting a finger to be an equal partnership with his child with you.

He is punching every emotional button in calling you unmaternal and selfish in trying to bully you to do what he wants - right down to discussing a second child as soon as you can manage it. Of course that's more likely to result in getting the outcome he wants whilst you get on with your "job" in looking after the children and doing whatever else he wants you to do.

Be very careful in giving into someone who only seems to have only their own desires in their viewpoint. Keep your level of financial independence and do what's best for you and your child, especially in what is likely to be a tough future economy.

Sending you strength for the decisions ahead. 🌹

First time I have ever said this - listen to your mother! She know what she is talking about with regards to financial independence!

Jesus Christ. That's a big nope from me.

As an outsider with a brief snapshot of your life, if I were you I would leave him, move in with my mum, pay her what I'd pay a nanny. Apply for maintenance, apply for a divorce and live happily with my mum, my baby and my career. Easier said than done obviously.

Good luck with everything

I don't really have anything new to add because 99% of the replies reflect what I'm thinking. You mum is very sensible and your DH is a caveman.

OP, does DH's parents have a 1950s attitude to marriage & family? Just curious as to where he gets it from.

Stick to your guns and do what you planned.

Being financially independent is important as you have already said. There is also something so amazing about being able to go in to work and being "you" again after having a baby.

I stayed at home for a year with my first baby and I was desperate to get back to work as it's so difficult looking after a baby all day. Nursery is absolutely great for babies too. They learn so much, get lots of attention and also get to socialise.

It's only 3 days of work as well! Definitely stick to your guns. I bet he'd have a melt down after about a week of staying at home with a baby.

Your mum is right!
My dear friend did the SAHP because her DH said to, 5 years later, after numerous affaires and berating her as 'not as goid as his friends wives...why can't you have a good career like XYZ' he left her.
He financially screwed her over, took out loans in her name, didn't pay maintenance and she could only get a better than basic pay job - she's got no pension now either.

Also, he still relied on her to do all the child stuff, so she had to do the school runs every day particularly after he moved an hour away to shack up with his girlfriend .... who is trying to get my friend out of her home and take the profits after she unfortunately had to use his name to get a mortgage - even though it was her split of the martial home

Financial independence, career all the way

Also - you say you'll have the child 4 days per week - what about your DH? Don't fall into the 'I work full time so you do everything else' trap! When you're both home you're both jointly responsible for house and family stuff

I'm very angry on your behalf. How dare he call you selfish and tell you that you have no maternal instincts, especially when he can't be bothered to act like a parent.

For what it's worth, DS went to a wonderful nursery. He started with one day a week at 6 months and then full time from 10 months.
He absolutely thrived there and still talks about how much he loved it- he has some wonderful memories.

Ignore the posters claiming by sending your child to nursery you are letting them be raised by other people - it's absolute rubbish. It's a very dated, sexist attitude and one only ever aimed at women.

mixmatch how do you measure how much better one baby 'thrives' over another?
Mine are now 18 and 15 and practically top of their year groups academically. Hold part time jobs, have friends and are sociable, well manned with no mental health issues.
As babies they fed well, slept very well and met all milestones easily, some early. No separation anxiety at school. No bonding issues.
Yet they went to nursery pt at four and five months. Nothing to do with being defensive, just wondering how they could have 'thrived' any better if I'd been at home and how that would be measured in a six month old?

@whattodo202000
OP I haven’t rtft but I really want to share my experience with you as a cautionary tale. I had a career break/became a SAHM through necessity when I developed an illness during pregnancy. I missed so much time because of it that I lost my job (not in the UK). It then took me quite a while to get back to full health (not helped by having a newborn to look after in a foreign, non-English speaking country).

Anyway, it’s taken me 3.5 years to get back into the workplace at my previous level. I have a technical PhD, MBA, am bilingual, member of multiple professional associations and was looking for a full-time position and willing to travel for the job. The battle to overcome the ‘CV gap’ has been huge. I’ve done it finally but it was an enormously testing period. And my DH is a feminist and fully involved parent too!

All this to say that if you weren’t planning on the SAHM route for yourself, DO NOT be railroaded into it by your husband. It’s not easy to undo, especially the longer you leave it.

Wow. So he doesn’t change nappies or do bath time or do anything much for his daughter but YOU are the selfish one and not maternal? He’s being really out of order.

From the replies you obviously see how people feel about this and him mentioning already about a sibling would be likely to cement you being at home and not returning to work. You can see from his attitude he sees the house and your DD as 'your job' and this just would get worse if you did be a SAHP.
While others are saying get him to stay at home, obviously unlikely but just do be aware if he became the primary carer and you split up this would carry on and you would end up paying him child maintenance. Stay financially independent, make him pay half the childcare costs if you can or look at your bills and make sure it is 'fair' and make sure you are on top of your contraception to not have another one too soon (not telling you how to suck eggs, but the amount of people that accidentally fall pregnant when they don't want to). And you never know he may be one of those men that 'don't do babies' and when she becomes a toddler and more 'fun' he may pitch in a bit. Good luck though

Don't. If I'd listened to my ExH at the time to "not worry" about giving up my career (that I loved) and that he'd cover us I'd be Screwed now. I always kept a foot in by going freelance. Even this has had a huge detrimental effect on my career but 8ve built a business that works around my primary school children. Also supports us now my ExH buggered off with OW.

Never give up your financial independence.

OP, you going back to work won’t make him step up. All the childcare and household stuff will still be on you, as well as working. Have you talked to him about this? What’s the plan?

I would be pointing out the irony of him saying you aren’t maternal when he has never done anything for his daughter. Because he thinks he’s father of the year?

Also his attitude means you never get time off. Ever.

Definitely go back to work, my DC loved their nursery.

Just read your updates, OP. What a dickhead your DH is. And he wants another child? He wants you barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen more like. Thank goodness for your wonderful DM.

Right, I have rtft now and it makes me want to stab your ‘D’H in the face.

I’m so sorry OP, that things have turned out like this for you. That your husband has shown his true colours and turned out to be a nasty, misogynistic prick.

I would say that you should go back to work and force him to do his fair share. But since he’s never even touched his own baby, this won’t work. He will actively sabotage and punish you for returning and possibly even deliberately neglect your child in an effort to control you. When he sees that his gutter blow of emotional manipulation in attempting to paint you as a bad mother hasn’t worked, he’ll step things up.

I don’t think this is redeemable, sadly. It looks like divorce is probably your only way of avoiding ending up as an abused, dependent husk of your former self, with no way out except poverty & benefits. This is a very bitter pill to swallow. But, you have the benefit of foresight and a supportive Mum you can lean on. As they say on here, pull up your big girl pants, as the next steps will be tough. Good luck 🤞🏻

He’s a disgrace. Don’t listen to his bullshit, he does not have your or your baby’s best interests at heart. How dare he try to shame you! Your plan sounds ideal. And yes as PPS have said, make sure you are in control of your contraception.

So what he means is, you should give up your job so that he doesn't have to step up and actually parent his own child. That way you will be dependent on him, and he can continue to view childcare as your job. Sounds great for him. I'm not sure how it benefits you or your DD at all though. Definitely don't go along with his plan.

He’ll the fuck no! It’s a sad day when you realised you’re in a relationship with a misogynist twat.

He’s flexing his non existent muscle by trying to guilt you into making a sacrifice that he 100% benefits from. Do not sleepwalk into a situation that messes with your future.

Don't do it.

I had a shock split with my DP of 15 years and the father of my two children over Christmas following discovering his extensive infidelity. I thank all my lucky stars that I kept my skills up by freelancing and finding a remote job over this last 10 years, or I would be absolutely screwed right now (as opposed to just very, very angry, and edging on burnout from juggling work and homeschooling, but knowing that financially I'm going to be fine, no matter what the jerk decides to renege on maintenance-wise).

Never leave yourself dependant - it's just too risky, even with someone who you think is your soul-mate, let alone with someone like your's OP, who TBH doesn't sound very nice.