Being pressured to become a SAHM

[whattodo202000]

I am not sure if this belongs in the SAHP or Relationships board so sorry if I have posted in the wrong place!

I have a 6 month old DD and am returning to work on a part time basis from next month. My DH has now decided that he would much prefer I become a SAHP as he has really enjoyed me being off on maternity leave. We always planned for me to go back to work especially as financially it makes sense and I really enjoy my work. I am also in a career field where I can’t just take a few years off and return to it (unless I did lots of retraining). I don’t think there is any downside to me working part time (3 days a week) while DD is young and then going back full time when she is older.

My mother instilled the importance of always being financially independent which is why I am determined to keep my career and job (especially in the current job climate with COVID). I was just posting to see what other people thought of this, my DH thinks I am being selfish and thinks I should put my daughter first. The way I see it, I look after my DD 4 full days a week and will only be working 3 days a week where I will still be with her in the morning, take her to nursery, pick her up and do the dinner/bath routine on a night.

It would be interesting to hear what other the wise MN members think of this.

Another child? Not sure Id have had this one if I’d realised you had no intention of being a parent.’
‘Maternal instinct? How would you know what that is? You’ve never changed a nappy or done bath time. You’re so uninvolved as a parent I wouldn’t be surprised if you forgot her name.’

This.

Your DH is an awful sexist pig and your DD is going to grow up having no relationship with him.

Why the fuck does he want another child when he does nothing with the first one.

I agree with everyone else - go back to work. I went back when DS was 8 months old - he hasn't suffered and he went to a childminder for most of the week (my DM did one day).

You will be at such a disadvantage if you don't. And since he's acting like a twat- you may need your own money if you split.

OP in the long run, you will be so glad you have financial independence and a decent pension, and that long run comes around much quicker than you can imagine.

Strangely enough I had this exact conversation with my adult DD this week. I was a SAHM for the first 5 years of her life, a choice I made willingly.

Would I do it again? No, given what I know now about how becoming financially dependent on my STBXH would be a very big mistake and that it would take me years to get my career back to a place where I can now divorce him and support myself. I have advised my DD to keep her job at all costs and never give up her financial independence.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the time I spent with them but I now truly think that they would have suffered no adverse effects from being looked after by someone else a few days a week and I would have been much happier and more confident. Do what is good for you OP, your child will be loved and looked after well and you will be a better mum for not feeling trapped.

I think given ur mum is going to help out and ur dh awful attitude, I would be going back to work and thinking very carefully about finances, family finances and my own.

I speak as a former sahm now divorcing. Youngest child is in a really nice nursery where they carry them about quite a bit lol and rock to sleep too
I am desperately retraining trying to get a good job to pay for my growing kids. It's been a really tough few years and although I wouldn't change all the time I spent with older ones and do feel sad sometimes about little one in nursery - she also goes to her dad's so I miss her then too and worry she misses me, she does seem to really get a lot out of nursery and I'm able to work more etc which feels good. I guess knowing what I know now about exdh I wouldn't have trusted him so much with my financial life iyswim. Hard one. Good luck x

Uh oh. Red flag alert.

He’s never done a bath, changed the baby’s nappy or given her a feed. He’s not very paternal then.

Adding to the do not have another baby with this man.

My DH used to come home from work and take over with baby as he missed her so much whilst at work.
One of the things he’s really pleased about WFH is that he’s had the chance to be there with our second dc and watched her development/reaching milestones that he missed out on with our older dc.

Your H sounds worse with each post. Why would you want to be financially dependent on him. He’ll hold it over your head ensuring you’re the house elf as he’s paying for everything, just like he’s using being the main earner currently not to do any parenting of your DC. I bet he does no house work/cooking or anything like that either.

Another vote for returning to work four days a week doing compressed hours if at all possible.

@whattodo202000

To those posters who asked, I do not recognise the man I married. I wish I was joking when I say he has never changed a nappy, done bath time, bed time, a feed, etc. With the lockdowns we have been in, he has been WFH as well which makes it even more disappointing. I am not suggesting he does not work but he finds time to go for walks, watch TV, etc but cannot possibly change a nappy or anything to help me as it is "my job".

I think deep down I know this marriage is doomed if he does not change his ways and I am afraid that if I do not go back to work, I will be reliant on him which I do not want for DD or I.

This is absolutely the crux of it. He has abdicated all responsibility when it comes to being a parent and father. He wants you financially dependent on him, doing all the childcare and housework. It's the height of irony that he's accusing you of being selfish when he's the selfish one, not lifting a finger for his child and not giving a shit about your wants/needs when it comes to your life and career. You most definitely need to go back to work. You probably need to divorce him too, sadly But one thing at a time

Also, just to counter this whole ridiculous "nurseries are cold neglectful establishments" thing, a good nursery isn't and it's also not the only option. You can find a childminder or nanny, or even nannyshare. My nanny has been with me since I had my first DC, held my second in her arms the day he came home from the hospital, and is a loving and valued member of the family. also OP's DC will be cared for by her DM in a wonderful win-win, and God knows the DGM has the right to be called a primary carer and parent much more than the child's other biological parent.

My DH has never done a bath time, nappy change, anything to do with DD's upbringing

Why??

Go back to work
See a lawyer

I am very sorry to read this and definitely think you should challenge your DH on why he doesn't do any of the caring responsibilities. It's called parenting not mummying!

Do not under any circumstances give in to being a SAHP it's clearly not what you want.

To give you a comparison of what a parent and father should be my DH has changed nappies since birth, has been there and done every bath time/bed other than when away occasionally for work since birth (we split so one does bath other does bed). He has got up every morning with my son since a few weeks old to give me some sleep when I was BF through the night and now does breakfast every day as I don't sleep well. He plays with, reads books and takes our son to nursery. My son will be 2 in a couple of weeks. He isn't a Saint he's a parent who believes in 50/50.

This isn't to make you feel bad but you really need to challenge him on why he refuses to be a parent!

Dear OP as many of the previous posters said, please please do not give up your career. Going back to work part time OR full time does NOT mean you are selfish or you do not love your child. Your DH's comments are unacceptable and with his views and him being unsupportive ( to say the least!), your financial independence is more important than ever.

I will be a FTM this year and my DH is the opposite, encouraging me to go back to work by 6/7 months instead of a year as I have a great career and he doesn't want my progression to suffer ( despite us being able to afford it). Your husband's views are NOT right.

He’s very good at calling you selfish to try and guilt trip you into doing what he wants, yet he can’t see that he’s the 100% selfish one. You sound like an intelligent, capable person- you don’t need this bullying and hindering in life.

Presume when DD does go to nursery that he'll expect you to pay for all the costs out of your own salary?

Double up on the contraception OP. A means of control is what I see here. Absolutely do not let this man trap you and your daughter into being dependent on him forever. He's robbing you both of your future. You're very fortunate to have your mum around to help, and he's a disgrace for not even attempting to be a parent. Best of luck when you go back to work. As someone said below, see a lawyer.

my husband says exactly the same thing and tells me that I have no maternal instinct and am selfish for wanting to go back to work

My DH has never done a bath time, nappy change, anything to do with DD's upbringing. His contribution as he puts it is going to work

Oh my god, another useless father. Is he at work every weekend and all night? Then why doesn't he step up and parent equally then? Fucking hell.

The more I read, the worse your H sounds. Where is his paternal instinct?? He doesn't have one!

And what did you agree would happen if you had a baby? Why is he going against this?

At just 6 months old, if the situation allows it, a child thrives best with one of their own parents as their main caretaker. Those who've done differently with their children when they didn't need to, can choose to feel defensive about that because they don't want to hear it, but that's their issue

You are the one sounding awfully defensive MixMatch not the majority of posters on this board who are happy and secure in their choices or have been able to reflect upon them rationally and in a non-judgemental way. You, on the other hand, come across as if you want all of us to return to the 1950s just to validate your choices.

You are so lucky having your mum OP. Given her taking over the care, there really is no reason for you not to return to part time work earlier if you feel it suits you. Refuse to be guilt tripped one jot on this. Keep your financial independence. It sounds like you may need it.

After I had my baby I regretted not asserting what was good for me. My partner was mainly good, but he got his way on a few things that still rankle as I was a pushover...the sleepless nights, loss of self, lack of adult company can do that to you. Go with your gut feeling on what you want or need to do.

Your first child is a girl. Do you think he'd be more involved if it was a boy? Is that why he's so keen for a sibling?

I don't think its entirely uncommon for men to be quite hands off when they are tiny. Breastfeeding, night feeds, their sheer size and well often crying/boring to be around. A lot get more involved as they get more interactive. This level of "hands off" is quite old fashioned though.

You are getting some very straight messaging on this thread and it must be hard to hear. I think you need to ask yourself if you could make many of these points reasonably, be heard and listened to, not be intimidated and/or gaslighted. It's possible (though doesn't sound like it from your OP) that his job has been pretty full on and stressful this year. If your answer is you don't have that confidence even through an intermediary like a couples therapist then I think you probably know the answer. Best of luck.

This is heartbreaking to read. Your husband is neglecting your daughter and emotionally abusing you. Somehow he's trying to make you believe that YOU are selfish for wanting to contribute financially and also do all of the childcare other than your mother, while he does fuck all other than work? He's manipulative and he wants you dependent on him so he can become more so. Please, please don't allow him to do this. He's so fucking selfish he won't give up any time to look after his own daughter, he doesn't WANT to look after his own daughter or to share the load with you.
If you don't go to work, he will expect you to work 24 hours a day and have 100% responsibility for the house and your child and he'll be a total dick about it. DO NOT RISK YOUR CAREER. Would you want this for your daughter? If not, model what you want her to see in the world around her.
I want to meet your husband so I can tell him exactly what I think of him (along with the rest of mumsnet I'm sure!)

Just a thought OP - when you say 'you' will pay your Mum make sure that what you pay her comes from his pay packet as well as yours. This is for matters of principle (you are not paying your Mum to do your work, you are both paying her to look after your joint child - a joint responsibility) and practice - you will need your wages for other things - and possibly an escape account.

I'm curious to know how finances are managed in your house. Do you have a joint account? Separate accounts? Who pays for things such as food, the baby's needs, mortgage and so on? How is this divided between you and how will it be divided when you go back to work? Do make sure that your DH does not abrogate his responsibilities here as so many try to do.

London1977 I would hang my head in shame if I had worked in nurseries for so many years and not picked up the babies. I worked in a nursery back in the day when we weren't even given any training and of course we picked up the babies and hugged them.

I’m curious to know how the finances work too.

Don’t do it.