Just really really lost it

[User877646888]

I’ve just totally lost my shit.
I’ve just sat in the car and bashed the steering wheel and screamed until my throat is sore.

I’m a bit worried about how unhinged that is. And how it’s possible that I can feel that angry and frustrated about my husband.

We had a row about something silly this morning but I feel like it’s pushed me over the edge. Like the straw that broke the camels back.

My blood had just stopped boiling but I’m so angry and can’t stop crying.

He never gets it. Never gets how or why I feel frustrated.

I dont know why I’m posting really. If I listed how I feel right now you’d all tel me to LTB. That really has never felt like a real possibility but today I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Tomorrow I’ll probably feel more rationale.

It sounds like you have hit a wall and had to let it all come out.

To be honest, sounds too like it needed to be done.
What was his reaction?

If I listed how I feel right now you’d all tel me to LTB

Anyone who names you feel you have to slope off to your car to scream and pummel your steering wheel, is obviously not doing you any good mentally.

It's a weird time and emotions are running high and low (I know I've never felt so up, down and our of control as the last month or so) but sounds like you might have reached a 'shit or get off the pot' moment.

Once you've calmed down might be worth really thinking through your options, make a list if it helps, but dont just take a deep breath and go back as if nothing has changed. It clearly has. Hope you're ok

*makes you feel...

Yes it was a wall for sure. I’d like to say I feel better for getting it out but I don’t really.

DH wasn’t there. We were out, I tried to talk to him about why I was annoyed, we went round in circles AGAIN and I then took the car keys and left him and the kids (5 min walk from home).

They are back now and I am visibly upset still so trying to downplay it a bit for the kids. DH asked if I was ok and I said shakily that I can’t talk to him right now and am now staying well away from him.

There’s no point talking. He’s incapable of getting it. He’ll just say I’m overreacting. He’ll think this is just about the silly thing we rowed about this morning.

Thank you though.

I didn’t realize I could lose my shit like that. That’s never happened before.

What happens from here? There’s no point explaining to him. It will make no difference. Plus anyway, I know well enough that people don’t actually change.

I’m scared that we’re just not a good combo anymore.

What do you really want?
Counselling might help you to define that - and to define it in terms that don't include other people fundamentally changing.

Give yourself some time - ideally away from them all. And think about what you want. Dream about what you want your life to be like in 5 years time. I'd find having a notebook would help. Write lists - whats wrong, what you want, what you love etc.

When you have that clearer in your mind you can really decide if things can change to make you happy or if its time to get out.

I’ve done the same as you op. My ex used to never listen to me and when I got angry in response he tried to make out that I was “unstable” etc. Once he made me so angry (I’d asked him to look after DS who was 1 so I could have a rest- he said I “can’t handle being a mother)- I literally ripped the T-shirt off his backend threw the phone I was holding in my had against the wall so hard it left a perfect indentation 😳😒.. he then went onto say I had anger issues etc. I was shocked at myself for getting to that point of anger- I left him when DS was 2 and haven’t looked back. He was uncaring, unsympathetic, never helped with DS, never did anything to make me feel loved and safe. My anger was a direct result of being treated like crap for so long. Maybe your relationship has run it’s course op. I’m sending hugs as I know how hard it is and how it feels to not recognise yourself xx

Don't be so hard on yourself, or your relationship. Lockdown is driving people beyond their limits. We are all living in a pressure cooker, tiny things are driving us crazy and we have none of the usual coping mechanisms like going for a (normal) walk or seeing other people.

The other week I shut myself in the bedoom and smacked a cushion against the wall about 25 times while ranting that I wanted to die (I don't, I just want my life back). Nobody's fault. Felt much better afterwards. The cushion is OK, didn't even split.

If there are deeper communication issues, maybe now isn't the best time to work on them? Everything is getting blown out of proportion at the moment. Cut yourselves both a bit of slack.

OP,
For you to be so upset and frustrated is awful.

The feeling like you are going around in circles and that there is no point in discussing it further means that things are quite bad.

What sort of frustration are you talking about?

Thank you all.

He passed in the kitchen and I wanted to scream again so clearly best we keep away from each other today.

On the face of it he’s a good guy. Great with the kids, does more than his fair share around the house etc but is just somewhat immature emotionally. He used to be fun but now I just see him as uptight and pessimistic, with a touch of man child thrown in who is less emotionally intelligent than our cat. He’s great at practical things, but emotional stuff he just doesn’t get. He cannot accept if he’s in the wrong, he cannot take any criticism and will never apologise. He isn’t arrogant but has a really delicate ego.

He hates confrontation so now what will happen is that he’ll wait for me to calm down and then want to just move on. Whereas each time I get frustrated I feel like it chips away at my sanity and respect for him - which I’ve told him before - because nothing gets resolved, he can’t or won’t try to understand why I was upset (as that would require him to consider if he did something wrong). So then I get more wound up over the silly little things because it’s always the same fucking principles underlying it all. I’ve explained this. Makes no difference. So basically he’s allowed to do whatever, and I’m not allowed to be frustrated.

Grrr. I hate ruining weekend days.

@QuarkIsGreat

Don't be so hard on yourself, or your relationship. Lockdown is driving people beyond their limits. We are all living in a pressure cooker, tiny things are driving us crazy and we have none of the usual coping mechanisms like going for a (normal) walk or seeing other people.

The other week I shut myself in the bedoom and smacked a cushion against the wall about 25 times while ranting that I wanted to die (I don't, I just want my life back). Nobody's fault. Felt much better afterwards. The cushion is OK, didn't even split.

If there are deeper communication issues, maybe now isn't the best time to work on them? Everything is getting blown out of proportion at the moment. Cut yourselves both a bit of slack.

I agree totally. Glad the cushions ok .. I was so freaked the other day I bit into a chocolate bar so hard I chipped my tooth 🤤 Strange times indeed

Yes indeed it is a weirdly intense period right now. Though we’re not in the UK so not quite fully locked-down. But still a bit bored as can’t see friends or do normal ish stuff. We probably just need a break from each other. And to have more variety than just us and the kids. I do feel in a bit of a rut with everything so I guess that doesn’t help and fewer other distractions means more time and space to focus on our own rut.

I still feel weepy.

I’m cross with myself too. I have a shitty relationship with my narc mother so of course I now question whether it’s all just me, or that I’m turning into her with those fits of rage, that I’m the broken one who is irrational and unhinged and just not very good with people.

Ugh.

What I would really like to do is go somewhere hot and sunny, to some kind of healthy eating yoga retreat and lose 10kgs and get a tan. Then to come back and be a morning person who treats their body like a temple and who never moabs wt their kids.

OP,

Have ye sought counselling for this.

It would be a shame to end a marriage without trying to find middle ground.

Having said that, I can understand how suchba level of frustration long term would be challenging for your mental health.

Lockdown can indeed exacerbate annoyances.

I have had therapy myself before. Loved it. Really helped. It felt like the right thing to do so was an easy thing to start.

Now it feels too heavy. Easier to pull the duvet over and ignore. Which is silly I know.

I feel exhausted and my throat hurts. I want to sleep but the kids have been glued to the TV for the past couple of hours so feel a bit shit if I disappear off to bed. DH skulking in the garage.

I know somebody who had a huge argument with their oh ( years ago) and ended up punching a tree and breaking their knuckles.
Do watch your rage op.

Take the day.
TV won't kill them.
Think about counselling tomorrow.
Space is good.
Even in good marriages, people sometimes need some space.
Especially this year.
I think that long term this frustration is bad for you so trying to resolve it is important.

Get under the duvet for a bit and maybe make some hot honey and lemon for your throat.

I lost my shit absolutely spectacularly, but it scared the life out of him, was a turning point and things improved from then on. Maybe he needs to see just how far he’s pushed you.

For your physical health, Im going to recommend taking up running if at all possible. You get amazing times (ie fast) when you're angry, and it helps the whole stress thing which is likely to be building up inside you. And of course it gets you out of the house.

You can't go on living like this, it's not fair on anyone. He sounds absolutely infuriating with the refusal ever to admit he's got something wrong. Are you able to ask him what he is afraid will happen if he accepts responsibility/culpability?

Rage release is good and healthy! Far better you channeled that energy to your steering wheel and not either taking it out on others or suppressing it

Ha ha I’ve been trying to make myself get out and run since November but it’s not happened yet. I would love to swim right now actually.

The closest I’ll get is a bath with my book. That will distract me then I’ll watch a film with the kids.

But I’m not sure how we break out of this. I do want him to know how much I freaked out, but I think he’ll just think I’ve overreacted. I’m lost on how to talk to him about this. Every time I try to explain he deflects the conversation. So what happens next? He doesn’t get why I’m angry. He simply can’t see it.

OP please no.. "morning person who treats their body like a temple etc...", don't go there, you would turn into Gwyneth Paltrow and basically become completely unbearable.

Off for yet another thrilling walk close to home 😴😴

Honey and lemon for your throat, and a good think about whether your dh is even capable of understanding your arguments, if you say he is not emotionally intelligent enough. If he is literally not capable of understanding, what else could you do apart from arguing your point?

As for the run, if you wait for it to happen, then of course it won't happen. That's not how it works!

You're under a lot of pressure, no one is at their best at the moment. I think he sounds OK and you're just both having a tough time. But do you know what, when timing allows, book a few nights away for yourself. Doesn't have to be fancy, just peaceful. I'm sure you'll miss them all by the time you get back.

Also, if he's a good guy, he's a good guy. You don't need to test him, he's not your narcissistic mother. Sounds like in general you've built a good family life which is an achievement. Focus on finding some calm today and you know this, but try not to rage or simmer around the kids, easier said than done but you know it's hard for them.

Oh you’ve made me cry again. Kindness will do it every time....

Thing is, I work FT (he’s a SAHD) so I feel guilty for wanting time out. Neither of us get time out ever (like the rest of the world atm I guess). But he doesn’t have the pressure/constraints of work either. And I think I have some resentment here too. I pushed my career forward when it was obvious he was not going to the same with his. So now we’re in a financial situation where I’m the main breadwinner by a long stretch and he does a few odd sods as bit of pocket money when the DC are at school. He could push this waaaaay more and be very successful and I’ve said to him over the years that lack of time for me really gets me down and that it would be nice if we had more of a balance. But he does nothing - continues pootling along. I could’ve then dropped to 4 days pw but now that’s not possible. So I feel trapped working a busy job, not seeing the kids (even wfh I’m stuck on calls), watching my own well-being take last place whilst he plods along thinking if he ignores the shit bits they’ll go away. Great we have a tidy house and he does the washing and cooking but in terms of emotional awareness of his wife’s needs that is too difficult so we’ll just put that in a box and shove under the bed. Then I’m not allowed to voice how I feel about anything because it’s totally beyond him.

And he is frustrated because we don’t have sex! Yet I find it difficult to connect sexually when the emotional connection is non-existent. I’ve explained this to him. Still. Nothing.

It’s like living with a tidy lodger.