Just really really lost it

[User877646888]

I’ve just totally lost my shit.
I’ve just sat in the car and bashed the steering wheel and screamed until my throat is sore.

I’m a bit worried about how unhinged that is. And how it’s possible that I can feel that angry and frustrated about my husband.

We had a row about something silly this morning but I feel like it’s pushed me over the edge. Like the straw that broke the camels back.

My blood had just stopped boiling but I’m so angry and can’t stop crying.

He never gets it. Never gets how or why I feel frustrated.

I dont know why I’m posting really. If I listed how I feel right now you’d all tel me to LTB. That really has never felt like a real possibility but today I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Tomorrow I’ll probably feel more rationale.

Use the £600 from the returned "thing" and put it towards a treadmill. Get on it every day, that way you have something for you and it's literally half an hour out of your day

It does sound like neither of you like each other very much. You resent him and he feels like the fall guy.

I am snappy. Yes. Years of frustration have built up. This is why I lost it so spectacularly. It wasn’t about this morning’s row. It was an amalgamation of everything.

I think you come off badly in the description of your conversation sorry. You're trying to get him to explain something complicated as he's trying to leave the house, that's annoying to start with. Then he says he will take it back and instead of that being the end of it you go on at him about cost etc. Seems like you just wanted the last word. Annoying that it took 2 years for him to replace and I get that but surely if its 2 years since you had a functioning whatever-it-is then its not that important in general and not so vital that he has to explain it as you're walking out the door?

I’m afraid I agree, there was no point carrying on after he said he’d take it back - just going on that exchange

I wonder how much you expect him to mind read?
You should be a team, and if something has sat broken for years then it obviously isn't pressing.
He's found a solution but it wasn't to your liking. He said he'd take it back but you want to punish him further. You think he's been thoughtless but your response is thoughtless. And driving home without the kids is too much. They were probably scared.

@User877646888

I am snappy. Yes. Years of frustration have built up. This is why I lost it so spectacularly. It wasn’t about this morning’s row. It was an amalgamation of everything.

For both your sakes and the children caught in the crossfire put an end to this dysfunctional relationship.

You want him to be like you, he isn't and he doesn't want to be, he will never come up to the standards you have set for him.

In my opinion yes you are wrong for being angry at him for spending unnecessary money in this instance. You didn't want to fix it /replace it so you don't get to dictate how he does it. It just seems like you don't like your husband to be honest.

I don’t feel superior to him. But years of nagging and dragging have built up. It takes forever to mobilize him into doing anything adult (paying bills, sorting taxes, getting insurance) so I do all of our joint stuff and have said he needs to do his professional stuff. Then it never happens.

He’s like a tit in a trance. He genuinely takes the approach of “if I ignore it it will go away”. That includes work, relationship issues, money stuff, anything.

We are different personalities. We acknowledge these differences and have thought they balance us out. In fact I think it’s given him the perfect excuses to hide.

When he’s saying “fine I’ll take it back” in a shitty snotty way, it didn’t really make me feel better about the situation. It was like he was suggesting I was being difficult about it.

Just leave him, you're not going to suddenly like him again, it's gone too far.

Kids were not scared ffs. They were playing in the park unaware of the row. It’s less than 5 mins walk from home. They know I was upset when they got in but that was all.

2 years of me gritting my teeth and politely reminding him. 2 years of inconvenience of not having this working. 2 years of sending links to new ones.... 2 years of him dithering. Then no thought into the replacement, no thought at the cost, no help trying to figure it out. Yet he seemed to want a fucking medal because he finally got one and got the hump because I said it was complicated. And note that he will it try to figure it out either!!

Am I really being unreasonable at being frustrated about this? Is this really too high in terms of standards?

*He will not try to figure it out

And fwiw he asked me about using the fucking thing before we were due to go out!

If he won't take care of his professional stuff and it all goes tits up that's his problem and you are right not to do it for him.

The differences in you are not balancing out they are like a chasm between you.

The tone that comes across in your posts (and I know it's very difficult to accurately read tone from posts) about him does sound as if you have barely disguised contempt for him, you resent that you are the one working and earning all the money whilst he is at home 'pottering about', I wonder how many men would dare say that on here about their SAHM wife.

Resentment and contempt will eat away at you personally, it already has eaten away at your relationship, you don't want sex with him, you don't even seem to want to breathe the same air as him.

You will both be a lot happier apart than stuck in this ever destructive cycle.

It just doesn’t sound like you love him.
I don’t really know what he did wrong particularly in that exchange... I can see it’s annoying that he took so long to fix it but again, you refused to do it as you agreed “house maintenance was his thing”. My partner and I delegate different areas but I wouldn’t just let myself feel resentful for two years in this situation. You sound like you got quite angry quite quickly in that instance and I don’t really know what you wanted him to do then?
You presumably agreed to him being a SAHP. I wouldn’t really want that dynamic in my relationship so I can get why it’s not working for you. It does sound like this needs to be communicated better, though.

Ultimately as I said, it just sounds like you don’t actually love him anymore and constantly feel angry at him and think that he’s useless. (Rightly or wrongly!)

OP I would be very unhappy that he hadn't tried to fix the thing two years ago ! ( for some reason I have a mental image of a fancy coffee maker )

I m not surprised you felt rage . I don't think you were in the least to blame in that scenario.

The insight into you actual exchange has changed my view of the situation. It sounds like you were needling him and spoiling for a fight. He said he’d take it back and I’m not really why you kept pushing it after that. It’s like you wanted him humiliated and grovelling. You seem to have lost all respect for him and that’s grim for a relationship.

In my previous post I did and I do agree with you regarding the frustration of it taking two years to fix something then buy an expensive replacement only to discover that it was an easy fix on the old one. So just to clarify you were not unreasonable to be frustrated by that, but I still think labouring the point about it in your argument this morning was wrong, all it achieved was you getting more and more angry/frustrated to the point you ended up screaming in the car and him getting more and more defensive.

My point is that there is nothing to gain from either of you living like this, it's only going to get worse and it will effect the children.

" you resent that you are the one working and earning all the money whilst he is at home 'pottering about', I wonder how many men would dare say that on here about their SAHM wife. "

I am sure many men feel EXACTLY like this and I can't say I blame them.

Op I was in an identical situation. He was SAHD , I was sole earner.

You bloody well bet that I resented it . Being the sole earner in a high pressure job is a shit show.

And we are continually told that being at home with children is the hardest job in the world when it bloody well isn't.

Op I have the utmost sympathy for you.

I get you. But like I said earlier, this can't be about the details or examples. It has to be about you not being happy and wanting to make some changes.

Work out what changes would help- it's no good expecting him to be a different person, that won't happen- you can only change what you can change.

He doesn't get a free pass on every other area of accountability because he's the full time parent- though you need to be aware that is a lot, if he's doing it properly. Does he get time out from the house and kids? It needs to be fair for both of you.

Could you run at lunch time? Take the kids to the park so he has time on his own at the weekend, and he do the same for you?

Keep a list in the kitchen and add things to it that need addressing. He can do the same. When it sits there looking at you, it's harder to ignore.

And I don’t disagree which is why I think I lost it today. I genuinely don’t know if I can carry on like this.

They all get on your nerves! I've been screaming at 'D'H today because he's being a dick.

OP I get your frustration, and it gets made worse by him being dismisive of the fact that you are frustrated in the first place. You are annoyed that he's taken two years to resolve a problem, then done a poor job, spent excessive amounts of money, and when you come to use the item, it doesn't meet your needs. He's wasted time, money, and not considered you at all in that. And then when you get annoyed about that, you're not allowed to be annoyed because he's said he will send it back. Given that it's taken him two years to get to the point of trying to resolve the issue in the first place, I wouldn't be holding my breath on that one. And that doesn't take away from the fact that you've been through all this crap only to find out that the damn thing doesn't suit your needs. So saying 'I'll send it back' doesn't make the anger and frustration go away, because it doesn't solve the problem.

So I get your frustration, totally. I don't know what you can do about it though, if he just won't hear you. And it seems like he just doesn't care about your happiness. He's a SAHD which is fine, but you mentioned the kids being in school. So what is he doing during the day, and what could he do that would allow you to ease up on your work load?

Couples therapy might be an option, you both need to be communicating and I think that while you're trying, he's not hearing you, or not caring, and you're probably snapping a lot, which will make him even less receptive to communication. But to be honest, if you can't solve the communication, and start acting as a team with each other's interests at heart, then I'm not sure how much future there is for your relationship.

@User877646888 I can imagine myself having a similar conversation and for me it would be about trying to get him to take some responsibility for where we were. I would be wanting an acknowledgement of why I was frustrated and why with the hope that this process would lead to some self-reflection and something similar not happening again.

I am a very reflective person who is often reflecting on what I have done and how I could be better. My DH isn't and does similar things - takes ages to get round to something and then doesn't do it well. A PP seemed to suggest that you should have taken it on even though it was your DH's agreed responsibility. I have this tension too but really try not to take on stuff that is DH's responsibility because otherwise my levels of responsibility increase even more, he does even less and then I lose even more respect for DH. It makes me feel like I'm being an adult but he isn't. But then I lose respect when he does a crap job anyway so perhaps I'm wrong too!

Sorry for the long post, just so many aspects resonate with me too (also the breadwinner here too).

You did push the point rather.

When he said he would take it back (will he bother?)-yoou could just have said "great!".

You did rather talk down to him & put him in his place.

I can see why though!

The way you talk about him though "tit in a trance"-is that for effect or is that how you really feel?

I wouldn't have thought there's any coming back from that tbh.

Or what @katmarie said but they put it much better!