Just really really lost it

[User877646888]

I’ve just totally lost my shit.
I’ve just sat in the car and bashed the steering wheel and screamed until my throat is sore.

I’m a bit worried about how unhinged that is. And how it’s possible that I can feel that angry and frustrated about my husband.

We had a row about something silly this morning but I feel like it’s pushed me over the edge. Like the straw that broke the camels back.

My blood had just stopped boiling but I’m so angry and can’t stop crying.

He never gets it. Never gets how or why I feel frustrated.

I dont know why I’m posting really. If I listed how I feel right now you’d all tel me to LTB. That really has never felt like a real possibility but today I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Tomorrow I’ll probably feel more rationale.

I don’t really understand why being a high earner means you can’t reduce your hours?

www.growingself.com/feeling-invalidated/

I wonder if you can find him here?

@Regularsizedrudy our budget matches my earnings. The bigger the salary the bigger the hit of any %age reduction. Sure we could cut back on some small luxuries but it would be a stretch for DH to top up what I’d lose. Even if he did really go for it, my salary is much higher. Then there’s the workload, that won’t really decrease by 20% so I’ll end up doing the same job but in 4 days. And there goes any sanity I have left. And do you know what, it’s not about me working and him not, it’s about the total lack of empathy, the total lack of him feeling like he could do something to change it. His complete lack of any ideas or options or even a show of appreciation. He doesn’t see it as his issue. Me feeling stretched is my issue from his perspective, and nothing to do with him.

Yes @Eckhart I just want to be fully acknowledged.

And yes that article really helps, thank you.

It’s a bit more than that too. It’s the responsibility and accountability. In the past with similar arguments he’ll say “yeah but we both need to do xyz” not what he will do. So far in our marriage “we” generally means that I’ll have to do the thinking and putting things in place while he may or may not turn up for the ride. It’s like with paying bills. He’ll leave them on my desk. You’ve got the banking app too, it’s a joint account, you can do this just as easily as I can. So I’ve told him this “we” bullshit needs to stop and that I will work in my shortcomings, he can work on his.

He would drive me insane.

Who wants a long term relationship with a teenager?? Sounds like you have completely outgrown him.

When I was a SAHP I carried the mental load for finances and all the house shit as well as the practical stuff. I did everything I could so DH could come home and switch off and be a Dad.

I could disappear tomorrow and he could run the house and look after the DC and work etc. We are equally not a necessity but a nice to share our lives with.

@sadie9

If a man came on here and said he'd stormed off on his wife and kids and took the car so they had to walk home, he'd be told he was a bully and needed to go to anger management classes.

Yep.

You sound like you have no respect for him and you come off badly in your exchange. You were the one who kept going on after he said he'd take it back. If the roles were reversed a man would get jumped on for doing that. And for walking off like you did.

Also you keep talking about his emotional immaturity, presumably he was always like this. Well you married him and had his children.

Plus if the man was out working FT and the woman was a SAHM, no one on here would be saying he needed to cut his hours because it was too much and she needed to step up and work. She would be told that taking care of the house, DCs and all maintenance was a full time job.

Funny how it's different on here when the roles are reversed. It's still the man's fault, although I think a few posters can see that this isn't all down to your husband.

It’s an interesting thread, as has been noted already if a man came on here to say that they earned all the money and has a stressful job and their wife didn’t understand and all their wife did was care for the children who thought she was great, look after the home and do all the cooking and housework so they came hime to a cooked meal and a tidy house the reaction would be totally different. Equally if a woman came on here to say they were constantly walking on eggshells around a snarly bad tempered husband who always undermined what they did and said and showed them no affection I wonder what the reaction would be. Your posts make you sound super stressed out and you are taking this out on him. So maybe you are making his life exceptionally unpleasant and he has no idea what to do or how to react? If you really cannot stand him then do the decent thing and seperate so you can both move on.

He wants to work. But won’t do anything about it. We pay for wraparound care at school so he’s got more time to set up his business. He’s done nothing. I set up a Skype with the accountant to get some advice. He’s done nothing. You can take a horse to water and all that.

I am supportive of him working or not working. He is in a great position to be able to choose. There is no reciprocal respect that I do not have that luxury and surely I would have to be superhuman to not feel a bit narked about this.

I feel like I have to forever stroke his ego. I’ve done it for years. As long as I’m propping him up, making him feel good or special or like a hero then we’re good. As long as he’s idolized it’s all fine. But, warning, do not have an expectation of adult-admin, or heaven forbid I should show some kind of emotion where he might have to demonstrate some empathy.

He sulks frequently with passive aggressive bullshit chucked in for good measure. You know he could’ve solved today by saying “don’t worry, I’ll figure it out, and if it’s not going to do what we need, I’ll take it back”. Instead it was a shitty sulky “Fine I’ll take it back then”.

None of this mattered in our 20s. But yes I do worry I’ve outgrown him.

Cancel the wrap around cafe and he can sort it out when he's ready to do something.

Is it worth joint counselling or are you both too entrenched and beyond that and you need to rip the plaster off and end it?

Why do you feel you have to "stroke his ego"? That sounds icky to me. Do you mean "be appreciative of genuine accomplishments" in which case that's a demeaning way of thinking about it, or do you mean "say over-the-top stuff to keep him sweet, because I have felt I need to do this to keep him on side"

And has the requirement for ego stroking come from him (won't manage without your coaxing, performs better with it) or has it come from you because your mother taught you that if you don't constantly praise and placate someone in a relationship, you are deeply unlovable and might as well not exist?

This parent vs unappreciative teen dynamic that you have going on here didn’t come about on its own. You both have very different ambitions and your cajoling, enabling, supporting hasn’t changed him, so you need to accept him for who he is (not the person he knows you want him to be) or move the fuck on but this dysfunctional cycle needs to stop.

Hopefully, the screaming yourself hoarse is the catalyst you need to stop doing what you have always done in the hope the end result will change.

Your stress may be relieved by taking antidepressants. May be worth trying.

He’s like a tit in a trance. I'd never heard that before, thanks for the new phrase!

You say he needs his ego stroking. I wonder if he's stuck in procrastination limbo because he's lost his confidence? I've seen it before in women who spend years at home with the kids, in their own heads, building up an image of returning to work as almost impossible - and some really struggling when they do start work, or retrain. Meanwhile the husband has been progressing at work and gaining confidence - and becomes increasingly impatient when she shows signs of uncertainty, which turns into a vicious circle as she then feels unloved at home, too, in another blow for her confidence.

By setting up an appointment with the accountant, you're showing him that you think he definitely ought to be working, and you are organising things for him like an interfering mum getting overinvolved in her son's university course.

I can absolutely imagine myself doing the same thing in your position, and can identify with your frustration, but you say It breaks my heart thinking about it - it sounds like you might be interested in working on things? I think that would require rethinking your own approach. (You can go to counselling etc., but your own approach is the only thing that you really have control over.)

Perhaps also suggest that instead of starting his own business, he could get a basic, boring, normal job locally just to dip his toe into the water and get back into the swing of working life, without the immediate pressure of becoming an entrepreneur?

I feel like I have to forever stroke his ego. I’ve done it for years. As long as I’m propping him up, making him feel good or special or like a hero then we’re good. As long as he’s idolized it’s all fine

He's not going to change. Can't you see that the above is his definition of the relationship he wants? He enjoys it, he is 'into' it, and you provide it for him. As soon as you swerve from satisfying his wants, even if it's to meet your needs, all hell breaks loose. But not for him, because all hell breaking loose also upsets his apple cart, so he essentially just says 'Oh, do shut your flapping trap, love...'

He's not going to meet your needs. Ever. Because he doesn't want to. You can write 'Please try to understand and respect my needs!' on a big flag and wave it right in his face, and he'll non-commitally say 'Yes, perhaps we do need to make a few changes...' and then he will expect you to make the change of SHUTTING UP.

You have a responsibility to yourself. He prioritises (to the exclusion of everything else) looking after him, not 'the relationship', not 'you'. You prioritise 'the relationship', 'him', 'the running of the household', the 'bringing home the bacon' and neglect to think of yourself.

If nothing else, let yourself off the hook for having a tantrum. But get yourself OUT, before it happens again. Prioritise yourself. What would make today better for you? Do it, whether he wants you to or not. He does/doesn't do things regardless of your wishes constantly. Bring your needs to the forefront. If he's not up for them being there, he's a shit partner, so leave him. It's a very simple theory, and whilst it may be difficult to action, no steering wheels will be harmed or deafened in the making of this new life.

I'm asking again,how old are your children ?

You sound hard work.

I think you need to stop prioritising stroking his ego - because in reality it sounds like you don’t actually think he is doing so great That he deserves constant praise - you’re lying to him, telling him how much you appreciate what he does.

I think you guys need counselling. You have lost respect for him. The contempt is clear in your posts. You don’t want to have sex with him anymore. You’re so angry it’s starting to affect you that you’ve snapped in the car.

You actually sound depressed to me - because I had snapping rages like that when I was depressed.

You sound like you didn’t intend to become the breadwinner, it just happened. This isn’t the life you want for yourself. You sound miserable & in your situation I would be too. I don’t personally respect anybody who just unilaterally decides to stop working after their kids start school. That kind of lifestyle is a luxury.

Him being the SAHP is not working, it only works when both parents are on board. You’re not on board. Things need to change - but you also feel he is so lazy you will have to organise his career for him, while managing your own too! He sounds like a drain to you.

The $600 item - you’re upset because that was money you earned & rightly or wrongly you feel like he frittered the money away without researching or making a good decision about the new purchase.

If you were a bloke you would be 3-6 months away from shagging they office girl & imploding you’re family life.

Don’t do that - communicate & counsel together. Be honest with him how this resentment has eaten you up.

He is not the same person he was, but neither are you most likely - you’re worn down & he needs to step up & get out to work.

You’re setting yourself Up for a divorce which is unfavourable you you financially. He will get custody of the children & he will take half your super & the majority of the house as he is the SAHP.

This isn’t want you agreed upon - he changes or end it before you have a nervous breakdown & have an affair or something else destructive.

You actually sound depressed to me - because I had snapping rages like that when I was depressed

And I had them when all I needed to do was get away from an unhealthy relationship. Don't diagnose OP with depression. Depression is when the ill-feeling comes constantly and unprompted. OP is being prompted to pissed-off-ness every 5 minutes by her husband's dismissive attitude.

@User877646888 Is your fury constant or just when he does your head in? I mean, if you went for a day out with a friend, would you be getting wildly worked up, or is it just with him?

I am unhappy and stressed but don’t think I’m depressed.

Kids are under 10.

I’m reading but feel exhausted so not really replying. Your replies help, especially the ones forcing me to self reflect more. So thank you for that.

I think we do need counselling.

What does your partner think about his lacking of showing empathy ?

@User877646888

I am unhappy and stressed but don’t think I’m depressed.

Kids are under 10.

I’m reading but feel exhausted so not really replying. Your replies help, especially the ones forcing me to self reflect more. So thank you for that.

I think we do need counselling.

Counselling won’t do anything. It’ll be another thing you throw yourself into because you want to fix things, and he’ll bumble along leaving all the work to you and getting pissed off and sulky about the things you bring up with the therapist. This is who he is, and if won’t change.

I think we do need counselling

Do you really think he will change his entire relationship-style? Do you think a person can? Because if you do, you can just change yours, and decide not to get so bothered by his style.

Does that help you understand how unlikely it is to happen?

@Eckhart I never diagnosed Op with depression. Clinical Depression is not the same as being depressed. People get depressed, things can depress you. It doesn’t mean you have depression.

This situation sounds like it’s depressing the OP & anger / rage is often an outlet for pent up deep sadness & unhappiness.

Perhaps he needs to get a job and stop being the SAHP, because at least if he was contributing financially it would feel more like he was contributing more equally..