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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just really really lost it

144 replies

User877646888 · 17/01/2021 11:22

I’ve just totally lost my shit.
I’ve just sat in the car and bashed the steering wheel and screamed until my throat is sore.

I’m a bit worried about how unhinged that is. And how it’s possible that I can feel that angry and frustrated about my husband.

We had a row about something silly this morning but I feel like it’s pushed me over the edge. Like the straw that broke the camels back.

My blood had just stopped boiling but I’m so angry and can’t stop crying.

He never gets it. Never gets how or why I feel frustrated.

I dont know why I’m posting really. If I listed how I feel right now you’d all tel me to LTB. That really has never felt like a real possibility but today I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Tomorrow I’ll probably feel more rationale.

OP posts:
User877646888 · 17/01/2021 14:28

I screamed “you’re a useless c•nt” more than once in the car.

How can I love him again so that his annoying bits don’t matter?

OP posts:
User877646888 · 17/01/2021 14:30

He deserves real love from someone who doesn’t get frustrated by him. Someone who can look past the bits that I don’t like. I feel like I’ve tried to do that for 18 years and now I’m not sure if I can. The balance has been tipped and the frustrations outweigh the good.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/01/2021 14:33

What would happen if you did drop down to 4 days a week? Why can’t he go and get a job? Are the dc very young?

Do you actually want to stay with him? You sound like you feel this is the end of the line.

YRGAM · 17/01/2021 14:37

Without wanting to be unkind, do you make any attempt to understand his point of view when you have disagreements? It's not clear from your posts, but it seems like you are frustrated that your arguments and discussions are not entirely on your terms.

In terms of frustration and mental health have you tried running? Get out for half an hour every evening and you might find your head is a bit clearer.

YRGAM · 17/01/2021 14:41

And to be honest you haven't actually clarified what he has done wrong, apart from 'not understanding you'. It sounds like he deserves to be happy with someone who doesn't fly off the handle at his because of his personality

User877646888 · 17/01/2021 14:45

In my current role I can’t. And if I did, the 20% paycut would make a significant difference (I’m a high earner).

He could work but because financially we don’t need him too he’s not really bothered. I’ve given up pushing him because quite frankly I’ve lost interest and he effectively wants me to do it for him. He’s self employed and I don’t have the time or inclination to make it happen. I have helped in the past but he knew that as I progressed I would have less headspace to support him. Cue empty words about how he’ll be fine and will do it.

And here we are with me shouldering the adult stuff, ignoring the simmering resentment because I spend my life restricted by work, whilst he can take zero responsibility for how his man child actions can be frustrating.

I don’t want to break our family up. I want to feel like we are both equally responsible for our emotional contribution to our marriage. That means being able to self-reflect and take accountability for our actions. As it is, I’ll be the only one to apologise, he won’t so that it looks like it’s all my fault, and then I grit my teeth and move on.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 17/01/2021 14:47

I think really careful about the conversation you have. Don't get into detail, stay big picture. Perhaps write it down so he has time to think about it before responding.

"I'm very unhappy, and you don't seem to care. I hate how our life is, but you aren't interested in making changes. I don't understand how you can ignore how unhappy I am, if you love me."

billy1966 · 17/01/2021 14:52

I think you need to push for the 4 day week and cut everything back.
He needs to step up work wise.

You need to tell him this.
You are taking the full load on.
Stop doing that.
Tell him that all extras are going as you are stepping back.
He needs to start working outside the home.
Push for this.
Hopefully it will relieve some of your stress.
Flowers

YRGAM · 17/01/2021 14:53

Billy, would you say this if the genders were reversed?

SeaToSki · 17/01/2021 14:57

Try looking at the 15 commitments and if they resonate with you ask your DH to look at them as well. They are very helpful for turning rants into productive conversations over emotional topics

conscious.is/15-commitments

User877646888 · 17/01/2021 14:59

The reason for this morning’s argument: for 2 years I’ve been asking him to fix or replace a certain thing in the house. 2 years. But I refuse to do it because he a) said he would and b) we agreed house maintenance was his responsibility.

Finally he gets a new thing. Spends more than is needed. The fucking thing is soooo complicated to use. Whilst removing the old one he discovers it’s very easily fixable. Suggests we now have two and keep both.

I go to use the new one this morning and can’t figure it out, asked him for help and he kind of shrugged and said “haven’t you read the Manila, I don’t know”. So I try to read the manual but you need a sodding PhD to make this thing work and seems not to have basic functionality.

So I said “I’m getting a bit frustrated with this thing because it’s too complicated. I just need it to simply do X”. He’s pretty much ignoring this yet getting impatient because we were also trying to head out the door.

So he ends up saying “fine I’ll take it back”. I said “yes may as well seeing as the old one works, so we can save £600, and that thing is like a spaceship and is driving me nuts”

He says “stop going on about it, I said I’ll take it back”.

I say “yes I know you said that but can you not see why I’m frustrated?”

He says “I’ve said I’ll take it back”

So the thing itself is all very petty but for me this is a stereotypical conversation we’ll have. It’s like he’s offended that I don’t like the thing he bought. So because he receives that as a criticism he gets uptight and closes me down. Never mind the fact that this topic has been an going issue for 2 years, he spends hundreds on something we don’t need, doesn’t help me figure it out, and then basically tells me to shut up about it.

Then we go out and I try to say “I felt really frustrated then, and you were just trying to shut me up”, it’s met with “everything’s always my fault isn’t it”

Confused

Rant over.

OP posts:
User877646888 · 17/01/2021 15:00
  • Manila = manual
OP posts:
User877646888 · 17/01/2021 15:06

Written down it’s ridiculous that I lost it so much over such a thing. But the sheer lack of accountability anywhere ever from him just tipped me over the edge.

We talk about it a lot. Nothing happens. Nothing changes.

He’s now waiting for this to blow over so he can carry on doing that same old shite and put it down to me overreacting.

OP posts:
User877646888 · 17/01/2021 15:08

I would actually love to run more. It’s pitch black and icy in the mornings before work (my only time to go) here so need to wait for spring.

Saying that, I do think my mental health is suffering from being just at home. I don’t leave the house m-f as stuck at my desk.

4 days per week can’t happen now, I’ve missed that boat. Plus I simply don’t trust DH to pull his finger out and make up the missing 20%.

OP posts:
sickofit39 · 17/01/2021 15:10

@User877646888

Yes indeed it is a weirdly intense period right now. Though we’re not in the UK so not quite fully locked-down. But still a bit bored as can’t see friends or do normal ish stuff. We probably just need a break from each other. And to have more variety than just us and the kids. I do feel in a bit of a rut with everything so I guess that doesn’t help and fewer other distractions means more time and space to focus on our own rut.

I still feel weepy.

I’m cross with myself too. I have a shitty relationship with my narc mother so of course I now question whether it’s all just me, or that I’m turning into her with those fits of rage, that I’m the broken one who is irrational and unhinged and just not very good with people.

Ugh.

What I would really like to do is go somewhere hot and sunny, to some kind of healthy eating yoga retreat and lose 10kgs and get a tan. Then to come back and be a morning person who treats their body like a temple and who never moabs wt their kids.

When you find that place where we can get a tan lose weight and come back invigorated let me know I'm coming with you 😎 . It's very hard indeed we have 5 children and it's hard the 7 of us in full lockdown me and dh are analysing everything about each other and bickering like it's going out of fashion 😢 all part of this weird situation we are in . Please don't compare yourself to your mom .. if you were a narc you wouldn't be on this thread at all .. they do no wrong ever 🙄 . Your human your stressed and overwhelmed and you need a big hug and a good laugh . Hugs to you lady do something nice for yourself today xxx
YRGAM · 17/01/2021 15:14

Can't you go when the kids go to bed? It can't be that icy unless you're in St Petersburg or something

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 17/01/2021 15:16
Flowers No advice but I have a similar DH. Your comment of having a very tidy lodger resonated. I suspect my DH has ASD, could yours be the same?
NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 17/01/2021 15:18

@YRGAM

Can't you go when the kids go to bed? It can't be that icy unless you're in St Petersburg or something
It's been terrible black ice in my part of Ireland lately. I'm struggling to run safely after 6pm and I am religious about it usually.
YRGAM · 17/01/2021 15:23

Anyway, I do think you're not really seeing it from his point of view either - can you put yourself in his position in these arguments? He may well feel that you have come to an agreement about him being a SAHD and that you are now pressuring him to continue doing this as well as working. And to take the argument above, he probably feels that you are looking for an excuse to get at him about his purchase. There may well also be an underlying worry from him that you no longer respect him as a husband due to your roles in the family, especially as you're not having sex.

I'm not taking his side, but he probably sees it as he does something you asked him to - you complain about it anyway - the argument becomes his fault - you storm off in the car and leave him to look after the children. That's not really acceptable, especially as it's happening many times - there's probably an element from his side of 'here she goes again'.

I really think you need some professional relationship counselling, and quickly.

sofiaaaaaa · 17/01/2021 15:23

If I’m being really honest, you come across as the dick in that exchange. I can see why he thought you were banging on about it. I think the culmination of 2 years of annoyance on your part meant that nothing he bought would have measured up to your expectations as you’re already disappointed with him and think he’s useless. You seem a bit tech-inept (judging by your speedy frustration) - I think you were unnecessarily angry with him over it, he didn’t personally curate the instruction manual after all. You were heading out so it didn’t need to be set up right in that moment.

Obviously there may be a massive backstory that rationalises your anger, but the crux of the issue is that neither of you know how to communicate healthily with each other. It’s a never ending cycle. At the moment you’re fundamentally incompatible and you probably need a frank discussion re your marriage not working and what (if anything) can be done. This can’t go on.

sofiaaaaaa · 17/01/2021 15:27

In that argument, it sounds like both of you wanted the “last word”

ravenmum · 17/01/2021 15:32

I'm too scared of the ice to run, too, having actually knocked myself out falling on the ice before. ATM I'm doing Youtube exercise videos indoors (while listening to podcasts) and walking outside. Would that be a possibility? It does sound as if you're a bit snappy - I know that device issue must have been irritating, but once he said he'd take it back, that would have been the moment to stop the discussion, rather than continuing to explain why you wanted him to take it back. (Easy to say from a distance, I know!)

User877646888 · 17/01/2021 15:34

So is it wrong to express some frustrations when he’s spent a lot of unnecessary money on something that has been on the To Do list for 2 years? He didn’t look into the functionality, he just bought the one that looked good.

I am not tech-inept. He is the man who cannot figure out internet banking, would struggle to book a flight online, cannot use googlemaps....

You’re right about seeing things from his perspective though. I’ve stopped trying. I spent years doing that. When it goes unreciprocated for soooo long you start to think why bother.

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 17/01/2021 15:34

It won’t solve all your problems or fix your marriage but read jog on by Bella Mackie. I really identified with the wanting to run away bit! So when I run I feel like I am running away and it gives me such a boost!

BronwenFrideswide · 17/01/2021 15:37

@User877646888

The reason for this morning’s argument: for 2 years I’ve been asking him to fix or replace a certain thing in the house. 2 years. But I refuse to do it because he a) said he would and b) we agreed house maintenance was his responsibility.

Finally he gets a new thing. Spends more than is needed. The fucking thing is soooo complicated to use. Whilst removing the old one he discovers it’s very easily fixable. Suggests we now have two and keep both.

I go to use the new one this morning and can’t figure it out, asked him for help and he kind of shrugged and said “haven’t you read the Manila, I don’t know”. So I try to read the manual but you need a sodding PhD to make this thing work and seems not to have basic functionality.

So I said “I’m getting a bit frustrated with this thing because it’s too complicated. I just need it to simply do X”. He’s pretty much ignoring this yet getting impatient because we were also trying to head out the door.

So he ends up saying “fine I’ll take it back”. I said “yes may as well seeing as the old one works, so we can save £600, and that thing is like a spaceship and is driving me nuts”

He says “stop going on about it, I said I’ll take it back”.

I say “yes I know you said that but can you not see why I’m frustrated?”

He says “I’ve said I’ll take it back”

So the thing itself is all very petty but for me this is a stereotypical conversation we’ll have. It’s like he’s offended that I don’t like the thing he bought. So because he receives that as a criticism he gets uptight and closes me down. Never mind the fact that this topic has been an going issue for 2 years, he spends hundreds on something we don’t need, doesn’t help me figure it out, and then basically tells me to shut up about it.

Then we go out and I try to say “I felt really frustrated then, and you were just trying to shut me up”, it’s met with “everything’s always my fault isn’t it”

Confused

Rant over.

I am right with you on being frustrated that it has taken him two years to fix something, then him finally buying something to fix to find out it wasn't necessary and the whole thing could have been quite easily fixed two years ago without additional expense.

However, once he said he would take back the expensive not necessary item you wouldn't let it drop, you kept on making the point that he was useless/failing and in that I think you are in the wrong. After he said he would take it back there was no need for you to keep labouring the point as to how crap you think he is and you come across as if you want him to don sackcloth and ashes and chant "Sorry User, I am a useless human being you are right to be frustrated with me, I am sorry, I am sorry."

You also come across as if you feel very superior to him and feel contemptuous towards him as if he is not up to your high standards, I should think he knows this, feels you are very critical of him for not being as driven as you are hence he will immediately go on the defensive because he is sick of being looked down on and criticised by you.

I think you are poles apart in your personalities and expectations and I personally think you would be better off divorcing.