Just really really lost it

[User877646888]

I’ve just totally lost my shit.
I’ve just sat in the car and bashed the steering wheel and screamed until my throat is sore.

I’m a bit worried about how unhinged that is. And how it’s possible that I can feel that angry and frustrated about my husband.

We had a row about something silly this morning but I feel like it’s pushed me over the edge. Like the straw that broke the camels back.

My blood had just stopped boiling but I’m so angry and can’t stop crying.

He never gets it. Never gets how or why I feel frustrated.

I dont know why I’m posting really. If I listed how I feel right now you’d all tel me to LTB. That really has never felt like a real possibility but today I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Tomorrow I’ll probably feel more rationale.

@Cockenspiel

Perhaps he needs to get a job and stop being the SAHP, because at least if he was contributing financially it would feel more like he was contributing more equally..

Perhaps she needs to get a job and stop being the SAHM, because at least if she was contributing financially it would feel more like she was contributing more equally

Can you imagine how this would go...

It’s not about financial contribution. It’s about emotional contribution. It’s about shared responsibility for the health of our relationship.

We pay for wraparound care at school so he’s got more time to set up his business.

He's not a SAHD then, is he?

It would drive me crazy. It's as though he's become completely dependent on you doing absolutely everything and just goes into a passive aggressive sulk and acts helpless when you try to pull him up on it.

OP,

He's a waster.
You are paying for your children to be looked after while he sits on his arse doing the least he can get away with.

Counselling my arse.
You need to protect yourself.

Start looking for legal advice and getting organised.

This is who he is, a petulant child.

Your children need you well.

We pay for wraparound care at school so he’s got more time to set up his business.

He's not a SAHD then, is he?

You missed off the next part of OPs sentence where she said he does nothing with that time. He might be “self employed” but when you put no work into that business to gain back an income you can’t call yourself employed.

I did think about counselling OP but I agree with @Ninkanink he’s been handed opportunities to show you who he is time and time again and who he is is ultimately a sulky, flakey man-child who can’t/won’t even pay an online bill. I’d have a good think about what you want, now and the future.

It doesn’t sound like you want an emotional contribution though, it sounds like you want him to pander to you and say exactly what you want to hear, in precisely the way you want to hear it, all the time.

That’s just not feasible and it’s not an equal, mutually respectful relationship.

You say you respect him being a stay at home dad, but it seems like you keep trying to force “help” on him to build his business.

Are you really listening and engaging with what he wants?

A lot of PPs seem to think that this is a practical matter, when, as far as I can see, it's an emotional matter, with some practical symptoms. Is that right, OP?

What are your partner's reasons for not progressing his business, ? And I mean reasons he has said rather than presumed reasons

What would you like to see happen, do you ultimately want to remain in this relationship and make things work? Is there anything you can salvage? You have created a family unit with two young children, is this worth saving? What is good? 🌺

@User877646888. Coffee machine?

Why have you been putting your kids in wrap around when it's not necessary?

Is there anywhere you could go for a few days? Very difficult right now, but it seems like you need some space. Some space to clear your head and figure out if you want to be in this relationship or if you're just clinging on because separating is too difficult to think about?!

I agree with another poster who said if he's not motivated to get his business up & running he should go snd get A job, if he won't do the adulting stuff home, he needs to go out & do some adulting.

As you're such a high earner why can't you go out for a run at lunch time?

@billy1966

OP,

He's a waster.
You are paying for your children to be looked after while he sits on his arse doing the least he can get away with.

Counselling my arse.
You need to protect yourself.

Start looking for legal advice and getting organised.

This is who he is, a petulant child.

Your children need you well.

This ⬆️

You can’t leave because he’ll get the kids and the house.

It’s sh*t.

He’s a cocklodger.

It’s nowhere near the same as most SAHP women who do t get wraparound care paid for them and still don’t do the life admin/emotional work of the relationship.

If op was a man he’d have already left.

Blow 600 quid (of money you earnt) on something he could have fixed 2 years ago? I’m not surprised you blew a gasket. I mean yes this is an overreaction but you’ve probably been UNDER-reacting for years. Something has to change.

Op, I totally feel for you. He sounds bloody infuriating and I can understand how you've got to the stage you're at.

None of this is equal. He just isn't pulling his weight either financially, practically or emotionally and there's only so long you can carry it all.

He needs to earn some money so that you have more choices as a family. Yes I'd say that if the genders were reversed. Kicking about at home while your wages pay for your dcs to be in after school care isn't on.

What is he actually contributing and would you be happier without him? I ask this as someone in a demanding job who has been a single parent. It's more doable than you might think when you aren't dealing with this kind of stress as well.

If OP is paying wrap around care for their children, then he is not a SAHD......he's a lazy arse cocklodger, who has refused to work and mostly lives off his wife.

Very different.

OP needs legal advice.

OP needs to protect herself.

Blow 600 quid (of money you earnt)

Reverse that and how dickish does it sound?

OP, your anger is over the top, as you have acknowledged. You have no respect for your DH and he’s not the partner you want him to be. You should cut your losses now.

If one person is doing the financial heavy lifting then they are entitled to get a bit arsey when a good chunk of that that money is being wasted. £600! That’s quite a lot of hours at minimum wage, no? Or wraparound childcare when no work happens - that’s a waste too. Nothing dickish about objecting to that @TomorrowIsAnotherDae in my view....

@Comtesse

I mean yes this is an overreaction but you’ve probably been UNDER-reacting for years

Brilliant way of phrasing what happens when somebody doesn't respect their own emotions for a long period.

Utter bollocks that if the sexes were switched it would be different.

He is lazy and doesn't contribute to the family/ marriage as much as OP

I would have total sympathy for a man in the same shoes as OP

Being home with kids ( especially once they are at school ) is a walk in the park compared to a stressful full time job.

No wonder you are pissed off , angry and exhausted, OP.

I hope you can work this out