Just really really lost it

[User877646888]

I’ve just totally lost my shit.
I’ve just sat in the car and bashed the steering wheel and screamed until my throat is sore.

I’m a bit worried about how unhinged that is. And how it’s possible that I can feel that angry and frustrated about my husband.

We had a row about something silly this morning but I feel like it’s pushed me over the edge. Like the straw that broke the camels back.

My blood had just stopped boiling but I’m so angry and can’t stop crying.

He never gets it. Never gets how or why I feel frustrated.

I dont know why I’m posting really. If I listed how I feel right now you’d all tel me to LTB. That really has never felt like a real possibility but today I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Tomorrow I’ll probably feel more rationale.

@User877646888

And I don’t disagree which is why I think I lost it today. I genuinely don’t know if I can carry on like this.

I don't think you can, I agree with TheUndoingProject you have lost all respect for him, it would take something akin to a miracle for you to get it back.

I don’t feel superior to him. But years of nagging and dragging have built up.

But that’s the problem, you’re holding a grudge and have become very resentful. I’m not saying he’s not a useless adult (I’m in my early 20s and seem to do more “adult” stuff than he does!) but you had your back up in this instance, and unnecessarily went off on him on this occasion. I can see your reasoning for being annoyed with him in general, but you must admit that you were a bit childish on this occasion. This shouldn’t have taken you to the point of screaming with pure rage.

Again, neither of you know how to communicate healthily and are fundamentally incompatible at this point.

I read a useful book once * . Basically it said that the reason we lose our temper is this. You try endlessly to be reasonable and meet the other person half way. But them persistently making no effort to meet you half way is not fair. Your subconscious knows this and eventually will snap at the unfairness of it.

It's not about the gadget. You don't feel heard or supported. Possibly he also feels misunderstood. It's gone on a long time. I'm a great believer that your subconscious rears up in self-protection in an untenable situation, to prevent further damage to your mental health. In this instance it has made you have a clearer feeling of 'I can't take this any more'.

It's happened to me a couple of times and at the time the sense is 'I am not coping', but in hindsight it forced me to address the issue.
HTH

*How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.

The thing about a situation where one partner does a lot more of the earning, the other more of the home stuff, is that it has to be by mutual consent. Each partner needs to value and respect the other partner's contribution, and to say so, regularly. Both should be equally satisfied (even if its only 75% satisfied on both sides because of unfixable issues such as ill-health or whatever) - and the arrangement should be under regular review, to determine if both feel its the best - or at least the least-worst - split for the time being, and also review at least the possibilities for the next 5 years as kids move to different stages etc.

At least this is how dh and i manage it. I am the low earner and I regularly check with him he's still comfortable with that (not childcare these days, I work at something v poorly paid but that we both believe is important, and as he says 'we have enough money'.

This clearly isn't happening in your home and resentment has built up. You're both very pissed off with each other.

I think you need to try to explore in a very factual, spreadsheety sort of way, what the possible options for rebalancing would be. What would be the implications of you changing role and/or reducing your hours. Would you lose your home, or is it in the realm of car finance/holidays/sports club membership etc?

If you took on one 9-5 day of husband's chores, homework help etc, what could he potentially earn? Does he have a reason for not doing that? Would he commit to a more regular paid job if that was't happening

I worry that you might be placing your lifestyle before domestic peace (£600 sounds quite a bit for an item you've managed without for two years, so I am guessing you are well able to feed, clothe & house yourselves?)

I think you should explore a range of different options in a factual, spreadsheety sort of way, with both of you able to propose scenarios so long as they are also able to set out the financial and time-allocation implications realistically and honestly. If you make it clear you want to do things in this detail, perhaps that is the way he will 'get' that you can't go on like this.

You may even find that you don't actually want to relinquish the status, income & future prospects of your current role. Whatever the details though, you both need to be able to be honest and realistic with yourselves and each other about what is possible for each of you, and what you both need.

If this kind of conversation isn't possible I cant see how this is really a marriage :(

OP gave birth to her children and has been cornered into being main earner.

She would like to pull back 20% but husband, who is SAHD while the children are at school, isn't interested in earning more from his business despite being able to and having time.

OP carries the mental load as well.
Waiting 2 years for a job to be done would piss most people off.

The OP sounds exhausted and she sounds done to me.
Start looking at your finances.
Start getting yourself organised because your mental health is clearly suffering.

When men give birth to babies, I will then give them equal consideration to choosing to stay at home.

OP is looking for just one day less at work to be around her children.

I think it is awful her husband won't see this and pick up the 20% to make that happen.

Things must be financially very tight if you can't cut down even slightly.

Even more reason why he should be stepping up.

If you separate him looking after the children would have implications.

You need to explore your options before your mental health deteriorates further.

but as I said before, Are you able to ask him what he is afraid will happen if he accepts responsibility for making a mistake. Be prepared to hear him say something that you really wont like or agree with, but let him say it and don't go off at him. At least review your options if he says something intolerable.

It may be something you need to know, for better or worse. All of this is a problem that has to be solved together if it is to be solved - or resolved one way or another

I haven't read the full thread, but, OP, this is how a normal person behaves when their boundaries are pushed and pushed and pushed.

He ignores your feelings, you ignore your feelings, and then BOOM: all the feelings make themselves known at once. Your steering wheel is probably very confused now

You said your mum has narc tendencies, which explains entirely why this has happened. Your feelings were not important to your mum when you were a child. So you're used to your primary relationship being one where a) your feelings are not heard or considered and b) you have to act like it doesn't matter. Your primary relationship as a child is the one where you learn what your 'comfort zone' feels like.

That's why you're in a relationship with somebody who doesn't really understand or consider your emotions. You're in your comfort zone. The problem is, comfort zones aren't always comfy; they should really be called 'familiarity zones' or 'habit zones'.

So, 2 things to remember: 1) This is not your fault. You have been preconditioned to seek out this situation, difficult though that may be to believe, and 2) There is nothing wrong with you. Anybody would explode if their boundaries got pushed this much.

You need some boundaries. For yourself. You need to enforce them. I doubt that he will ever understand you in the way you want him to, which might mean drastic action.

This is not your fault, but fixing it is your responsibility. Knowing that there is nothing at all wrong with you is absolutely key to this. You have exactly the same rights as everybody else to have your feelings heard and respected. You have to learn to communicate them clearly and effectively, and distance yourself from those who don't respect your needs.

There’s a lot of finger pointing and not enough looking in the mirror. Essentially, you want him to be someone else and years of prodding haven’t amounted to the changes in him that you want to see. You are and never were powerless in your relationship but it is a mindset you’ve assumed to avoid taking responsibility for your part in the dynamic. You want the control but not the responsibility that comes with maintaining it.

I think you are more angry with yourself because deep down, you know you only have the power to change your own behaviour but you’re stuck in this cycle of finger pointing and rage.

How old are your children ?

OP, you sound exhausted, you seem to have responsibility for everything, you must have if he can't even figure out internet banking. The problem is you need a break, time to relax and you're just not getting it, it's making you resentful and narky (no offense meant it's perfectly understandable). You're at breaking point and you need him to step up. But instead of saying that to him and being vulnerable, you're letting your resentment get the better of you over the small things that, taken in isolation, seem pretty.

I don't know what the solution is tbh, but I hope you find some peace OP.

There's a way out. Look at your outgoings, sort out needs from wants. Reduce your hours to a level that you feel comfortable with, or find an alternative job. You do not have to justify that to anyone else. You may only have to do that for a short time, until kids are a bit older, schools nightmare and covid situation has improved.

He must share the load, and learn to use internet banking whether he likes it or not.

Burnout is a horrible, horrible place to be, but you don't have to go there.

he sounds like lazy shite

cant be bothered to work doesnt want to do something when asked-sounds like a cocklodger

What was the item?

You sound like a single person with the added burden of having ‘D’H to look after as well. I bet you’d be far happier on your own and you’d get a break as well as he’d have to have the kids half the week!

Single *parent, not person!

“ The tone that comes across in your posts (and I know it's very difficult to accurately read tone from posts) about him does sound as if you have barely disguised contempt for him, you resent that you are the one working and earning all the money whilst he is at home 'pottering about', I wonder how many men would dare say that on here about their SAHM wife.”

I agree with this. You sound like you think he’s a lazy shit for being the at home parent who doesn’t appreciate the effort you make to bring in the money. If you were a man you’d be ripped apart

I fully respect him as a SAHP. I thank, praise, encourage him all the time. I help the kids do the same, and they think he’s wonderful. I can see when he needs a break and would help him see the same and make it happen (days out / weekends with friends etc).

At no point in our whole relationship has he ever said to me “you’re stressed/tired/whatever... I can see what you need is xyz”. It wouldn’t ever cross his mind.

He can do practical stuff but emotional stuff is totally alien to him.

@Eckhart I had always thought my relationship with DH was totally different to any that my DM had but now I can see what you mean. I find it incredibly hard to invest time and effort into myself. I have put loads in to this relationship, and in to supporting DH over the years on various things, to the point where I have not much left. I’ve backed off from that in the past couple of years and it’s achieved nothing other than show that unless I’m behind him pushing or dragging, then he’ll just continue to bumble along. But now he bumbles and moans and is uptight and pessimistic too. There’s always a touch of doom, or martyrdom, or negativity in what he says. He brings problems but no solutions. He’s ok around the kids but around me it’s like he’s in a permanent weird sulk. I tend to ignore it. I ask him once if he’s ok or if there’s anything he wants to talk about or something I’ve done wrong, then move on and ignore.

I’m really scared that we are just not compatible anymore. It breaks my heart thinking about it tbh.

I’m not surprised you can detect contempt in my tone. I’m more angry than I’ve ever been. And he just won’t get it.

I find it incredibly hard to invest time and effort into myself

Learn, quick, before you go bananas. Treat yourself to things. You don't have to spend time and effort, you have to be nice to yourself, so yourself favours, save yourself time and effort. You need to look after yourself very assiduously, now. He's not going to do it, however much you want him to. Just like your mum didn't look after you, however much you wanted her to.

You and he aren't compatible. You're behaving like someone gone mad as a direct result of him just doing life his way. How can you think that you are compatible? Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's very obvious and you need to face it so that you can deal with it. Your priority should be to get away from anybody who makes you feel that way, always. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong.

@AgentJohnson it’s not about control. It’s about feeling like we both contribute equally to the relationship on an emotional level. I am not a saint, I’m not perfect by any stretch. I have my flaws and god knows I can drive him potty. But not to this extent. It has scared me to have such an extreme emotional outburst. It’s making me question our entire marriage and whether we are good enough role models for our children. Is he doing the same? Is he fuck. So please do not preach about taking responsibility.

I feel like shit coming on here and badmouthing my husband. But today I reached the end of my tether and needed to vent.

I can fully see that we’re both responsible for getting to where we are. I’m prepared to take my part in resolving things (in whatever shape that needs to be). However knowing him as I do, I am not confident our input will have the same emotional accountability.

When we met, life kept us entertained. Out with friends every weekend, travelling, having fun together. Then as things got more serious with house, babies, marriage, the fun isn’t sooo frequent and it’s no longer there to distract from our misgivings. Especially during a pandemic. When we’re just left with each other, I’m left wondering just how much we really have.

But now he bumbles and moans and is uptight and pessimistic too. There’s always a touch of doom, or martyrdom, or negativity in what he says.

I think you need to consider whether this could equally apply to your behaviour today over the gadget.

I really recommend reading 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

I’m left wondering just how much we really have

As an individual, what you really have is boiling blood, a bruised steering wheel, a bunch of screaming, and a feeling that there is absolutely no point talking to him because he'll minimise all that to 'nothing'.

Do you really think that someone who cared deeply about you would dismiss this stuff if you told them about it? Do you really think that somebody who loved you would hear of such an explosive reaction in you, and only be concerned about shutting you up?

I'm being very blunt and it might hurt, but... how bad are you going to let it get before you take charge of fixing this for yourself? You have been literally screaming. Today. Screaming. It can't go on. You have to validate your feelings, or else you'll soon be screaming again, and it might be worse, for you, or because you do it in front of your kids or in the middle of Sainsburys.

If a man came on here and said he'd stormed off on his wife and kids and took the car so they had to walk home, he'd be told he was a bully and needed to go to anger management classes.

@Eckhart I am going to try to explain all of this to him tomorrow after work. That I can’t let that happen again. I know I can’t. And that is what has frightened me so much today. That maybe I’ve stepped over a line and I don’t know if there’s a way back.

@sadie9 what is your point?

The screaming in the car might well be a turning point, and the catalyst for lots of changes in your life, but this could improve things so much for you, if you recognise that you have to get yourself into a position where your feelings are heard when they're spoken calmly, at talking volume.

That's all you want, isn't it? To be able to express your feelings, and for them to be responded to with respect and compassion for you?