Cross dressing - wise words needed

[Understatedhyperbole]

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

Dealbreaker for me. Massive turn off and the chance of it escalating as it so often does would be too much for me.

@Balhammom rest assured it’s not my intellect that’s the problem, dear.

[quote DeliberateNameChange]@SummerBlondey Far less unusual than you think. Sounds like you may just have a more vanilla sex life than others.[/quote]
Now now, no need to be so nasty. Why did you need to use the adjective ‘vanilla’? It implies boring, bland etc. Whereas I assume you think having sex with your partner dressed up in women’s underwear is something stunning and amazing?
What ever kind of sex a couple have, if its mutually satisfying then its great sex. Not ‘vanilla’ at all.

Far less unusual than you think. Sounds like you may just have a more vanilla sex life than others

I missed this! What an odd comment to make. You think the only way sex can’t be “vanilla” is by cross dressing? Wow. You don’t have much sexual imagination at all do you?! 😳

All the people saying 'its not trans'. You just don't realise that it is considered so by policy makers and the Government.
Legislation is currently going through the Scottish Parliament regarding hate crime - new powers to punish people - and one of the items included under this is a wide swathe of categories under the general banner of trans and this includes cross dressing. It has been confirmed that cross dressing is included but has not been debated as to whether it's appropriate to include or even what that would look like in practice.
I don't want to detail the thread, but it might be worth some people on here taking a closer look at what policy is being shaped around this matter. It's not perhaps the same as your own personal understanding of this issue.

@DeliberateNameChange

I actually love the handful of messages from those who think that their OH’s will get reassignment surgery as soon as they put on a pair of knickers. I assume most are a wind up, which is unfair on OP, but if some people actually believe that, it’s hilarious

And yet the Transwidows website tells a different story - of women being gaslighted, controlled, having men who do escalate from wearing underwear in secret to full blown transition including surgery. It DOES happen. We dont know how often, because no one knows how many men have this fetish, or how many men who go on to transition did start off with this fetish. So your comment is based on your assumptions, not on any actual fact.

@Balhammom

So here’s the logical flaw:

“Most of A are B” does NOT mean that “most of B are A”.

For instance, it is true that most professional ballerinas are female. It is not true that most females are professional ballerinas.

I can accept that most trans people have tried cross dressing. However, I am quite confident that a minuscule proportion of cross dressers are trans.

At uni, I dated a few rugby players and rowers and, oh my god, give those public school types of bloke a few beers and they loved any excuse to get into a dress. Rest assured reader, that most of those individuals are now successful male bankers/lawyers/politicians.

If a person is trans, then by the very nature of that, they will be cross dressers! (Apart from the few transwomen like Alex Drummond)

Hi,
I am a man for context. A few things to say.

1. You mentioned shame a few times- what is there to be ashamed of? The dressing?? Maybe its your shame? Not his? Really, maybe he is OK with this and senses your shame and wont reveal.

1. He is entitled to his own private sex life. I have my own private fantasies which stay fantasies which I dont share with my wife, we are entitled to that.
2. You have the right to leave or not allow this kink into your sex life.
3. Everyone here saying you shoukd leave, he is gonna be trans etc are thinking in purely black and white terms. Why not explore it, find out more about it, why, what does it make him feel like.

1. You do realise your realtionship sounds pretty much perfect. He sounds lovely.

1. You went and found this. This is the biggie for me. Im not blaming you but you have a back story of being lied to so you are sensitive to this. You went and 'found out' and now you are stuck. A lot of this is about being 'lied' to but you 'caught him' first so you cant be lied to again. But he didnt lie. He choose not to reveal part of himself to you.

Id be looking at talking to a psychtherapist to see how you can make your history less corrosive to your relationship and I'd be talking to your partner to find out what he thinks. If you split and run its only going to be complicated by grief of lising a good relationship and will further nattate your relationship history as being one framed in being lied to.
Be brave. You both sound lovely. Life is short.

Im sorry for typos above.
Reading comments so far this thread is going to combust with people talking about vanillia sex and how cross dressers are trans etc bla bla bla.
Explore what makes this relationship great, why he does this and see if you are comfortable staying with this as it is. Dont think because its unconventional its bad. Its not.

“I’m a man. And I think that it’s your fault you were lied to because you went looking and stumbled across evidence of deceit. That’s on you. Also, he’s somewhat decent so you need therapy because you want to stick to your boundaries.”

That takes mansplaining to a new level.

@OhCaptain

“I’m a man. And I think that it’s your fault you were lied to because you went looking and stumbled across evidence of deceit. That’s on you. Also, he’s somewhat decent so you need therapy because you want to stick to your boundaries.”

That takes mansplaining to a new level.

@OhCaptain I knew you would use the word fault. There has be be a fault for people like you to ascribe a victim and an agressor. Yes I am a man, and I'm as entitled to give my perspective on a public forum as anyone else. She has not said what her boundaries are, she is unsure, because its all new, it could easily be a question about her partner being bi, using drugs, having another kink etc.

Next time please dont tell me when I can and cannot comment because of my gender thanks.
And maybe go off and learn how to look at an argument instead of personalising it.
Thanks.

Captain

Perfect paraphrase.

In a relationship where you don't live together and your describe your relationship as positively as you do, if it ever comes up i would ask him to keep it to his own house and own time. Otherwise - is it any of your business what he does in his own time?

I honestly don’t understand all these people who want to label the OP “vanilla” or have here explore her boundaries.

OP has stated that this is a firm no for her. She is entitled to find this a complete turn off and refuse to be in an intimate relationship with this person. We are all entitled to our sexual preferences. This has nothing to do with accepting that others have different preferences. Of course she does. They are just not hers.

1. This is a complete no from the OP.

1. She asked her partner about it and he lied.

1. She then realised that it was important enough to her partner that they were ready to spend a small fortune on it.

1. She came on here to explore whether this could be contained so that she never would have to include this in her day to day life and presumably sex life. She does not want to spend years with this person only to be forced into changing her boundaries.

1. It seems (from the posters here) that something that someone is willing to spend that much money on is unlikely to remain a small part of their life.

It really is not more complicated than that. The OP can leave without having to justify it to anyone. And find someone who is more suited as a sexual partner. This person can continue to dress like a woman, including silicone breast and whatever else makes them happy. Hopefully they also can find a suitable partner.

Man arrives: The women sex bots are saying they don't want to go along with perfectly reasonable male fantasies are malfunctioning. Send them to a therapist reboot and install a new operating system immediately...

[quote OldLang]@Jakey056

Oh thank goodness a man has appeared to direct all us helpless women

1. OP is allowed her own boundaries. He should be ashamed for his dishonesty.

1. This is more than a fantasy. He has bought dismembered female body parts. Excusing the fetishitisation of women shows your ignorance.

1. She has the right but didn't have the choice because he lied to her.

1. She has no obligation to participate in his perversions. Or to explore and understand them.

1. Lies, dishonesty and gaslighting. Yes, it's what we alk strive for.

1. Ops partner lied directly to her face. Being a man, you frankly have no idea of our experience. Women have a responsibility to safeguard themselves from the shit men do. Also read the op's posts, if not the full thread. She asked him directly and he lied. He robbed OP of making an informed choice about her own life.

Fuck off with your misogyny and victim blaming. Men have fucked her about so she needs psychotherapy. I hope you don't have daughters.[/quote]
You should see a therapist for your gendered projection and very disordered thinking.
I did get a laugh from it tho.
Good Luck!

@Jakey056 use your man brain to point out where I said you couldn’t post.

Then if it’s not worn out, apply it to reading all of OP’s posts where she says repeatedly that she’s not ok with it and is ending the relationship.

Then, if it has any juice left in it, tell me why you think it’s ok for you to come onto the thread and tell her she shouldn’t have gone snooping, that she needs therapy, that his choices (which affect her) are none of her business, and how she should find a way to be ok with it EVEN THOUGH SHE’S ENTITLED NOT TO BE.

Thanks.

@Jakey056 must get a cut from therapist referrals! 🤣🤣🤣

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

In a relationship where you don't live together and your describe your relationship as positively as you do, if it ever comes up i would ask him to keep it to his own house and own time. Otherwise - is it any of your business what he does in his own time?

Another sensible person online today. Welcome! Theres only a few of us and I cant be one really cos Im a man 😂😂😂

@Jakey056

Often there is so much more to it than just a sexual fantasy.

My ex used to take his mother's soiled underwear and use it to masturbate into. He then used my clothes, then our teen daughter's and how he has a new daughter who he hid from his entire family, including our own children until a month before she was born. How bizarre is that???

If a fantasy does not affect anyone else, then so be it, but in my case, the repercussions of deceit, endless lies, emotional abuse and selfishness have really taken their toll.

Some people get really REALLY angry when women have boundaries. They wrap it up in pseudo -kindness / advice

You need therapy
He sounds lovely
You are too black and white / vanilla
Your history is corrosive

But it all boils down to “ shut the fuck up, centre him and his wishes / feelings and do whatever he wants “.

It always, always escalates.

OP don't let anyone gaslight you.
Not your DP and not the posters here who are trying to convince you that crossdressing is OK and you're not open-minded enough because that's a load of bollocks. I consider myself pretty open-minded, my friends certainly are, yet none of us would be ok with dating a crossdresser or bisexual man. It doesn't mean that we look down upon them and that we are narrow minded prudes, it means we have boundaries that only WE decide about and nobody else.
It's perfectly fine to not want to sleep with a man who cross dresses and even buys and wears dismembered female body parts. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
The fact alone that he has lied to you about this would have been a dealbreaker for me in your shoes. You can't trust him so there isn't any base for a relationship left.