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Original poster

Cross dressing - wise words needed

390 replies

Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 13:34

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

OP posts:
Clymene · 16/01/2021 20:14

But your husband told you @NCforthistoday1 so gave you the opportunity to make an informed decision. The OP's partner didn't tell her and lied about it when she asked him. How can she ever trust him now?

Mummabearofthree · 16/01/2021 20:15

This for me would be a dealbreaker. Nothing against trans people but I’d be worried that he might one day decide he’s going to take a leap and fully transition. Is this something you could live with?

pigglepot · 17/01/2021 08:00

Wow I'm so surprised by the number of people telling you to dump him straight away!! I think you should talk to him, hear what he has to say about why he does it and discuss whether you can put up some boundaries that would allow you to feel comfortable with it. For example could he do it when you go out on a Saturday afternoon. I don't agree that it necessarily means he's trans- there are many many men who like to cross dress for a sexual thing because it feels nice or for other personal reasons and have no desire to be a woman. I think there was a question about this on the guardian a while ago- I'll see if I can find the agony aunts response

Soontobe60 · 17/01/2021 08:28

@pigglepot

Wow I'm so surprised by the number of people telling you to dump him straight away!! I think you should talk to him, hear what he has to say about why he does it and discuss whether you can put up some boundaries that would allow you to feel comfortable with it. For example could he do it when you go out on a Saturday afternoon. I don't agree that it necessarily means he's trans- there are many many men who like to cross dress for a sexual thing because it feels nice or for other personal reasons and have no desire to be a woman. I think there was a question about this on the guardian a while ago- I'll see if I can find the agony aunts response
What a shame that both of those links lead to articles basically pointing out that women need to be put straight on their partner’s cross dressing - they need ‘educating’ and therapy to tell them its a perfectly ok for their partner to do and basically they should suck it up! Pamela Stephenson, the ‘sex therapist’ who wrote both the articles, is basically telling the man how to coerce his partner into accepting his kink, and telling the woman that she should accept it - and hey, she might even enjoy it!

Everyone has a right to say no when it comes to sex. Attempting to persuade one partner to accept your kink is coercive control, no matter what that kink is. No matter how ‘harmless’ it is. We’re not talking about a hobby like train spotting or fishing here. We’re talking about a sexual fetish.

If your partner told you he gets off on watching children playing on the park would you still say ‘it’s ok, just do it on Saturday whilst I’m at the shops”? Should you even consider joining him in his child watching? Yes, I know that masturbating whilst wearing women’s underwear isn’t against the law but doing it whilst watching children playing probably is. The point is, why should you accept one thing that you find repulsive but not the other? They’re both kinks. They’re both unusual.

NameChange123454321 · 17/01/2021 08:35

I just wanted to come on to say that I have been with my cross-dressing DH for 13 years now. He made it clear from the start (something like the 3rd-4th time we had sex). I could tell it was really really hard for him to tell me. I think in a way it brought us closer, having this secret between us. I would never tell anyone IRL- it would be unfair on him and to be honest I would be embarrassed because I would assume anyone would just think he's a suppressed transvestite and why am I putting up with it etc etc. He only dresses up for sex (and I dress up too! I suppose some would say it's like a roll play kinky scenario) and as soon as we're 'done' he can't get the kit off fast enough. He's a manly man, big bloke. I would think no one would ever imagine he'd put this sort of thing on.
He's happy to go it alone if I don't want to and is extremely understanding if I don't fancy dressing or need some time away from this other person for a while. He can't suppress it but it's never got out of hand or developed into something more like wanting to go out in public in it etc (in fact that would be a huge turn off for him). I never imagined I would ever be with someone who does this sort of thing as I'm really quite a 'boring' person Grinbut it works.
He's in his 60s.

Talk to your man. You might be surprised and if the relationship is solid it will survive this. The fact that he's lied to you is disappointing but as pp's have a said, it may be what killed his previous marriage - perhaps his previous wife didn't want to tolerate it- and he probably is really just worried he has no chance of a relationship if the truth comes out.

pigglepot · 17/01/2021 09:02

@Soontobe60 I didn't say she had to accept it if she doesn't want to. My suggestion was that if she was able to put some boundaries up that made her feel comfortable to accept it then it would be worth pursuing as this man clearly makes her very happy in every other way and is a supportive partner and father figure to her children. I don't agree with everyone simply saying "dump him". My suggestion was to speak to him and discuss it with him.

And I added those links in case it was helpful to the OP. She might be interested in some resources relating to this issue to understand some different points of view.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/01/2021 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lboogy · 17/01/2021 09:22

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@NameChange123454321
Have you even thought your dh is perhaps getting sexually aroused by image of seeing himself as a woman, imagining fucking himself and using you as his prop?[/quote]
Bloody hell! The vision

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/01/2021 09:30

I’ve asked for the post to be removed. It’s a bit harsh on the poster.

SummerBlondey · 17/01/2021 09:42

He only dresses up for sex (and I dress up too! I suppose some would say it's like a roll play kinky scenario)

So your DH dresses as a woman for sex, and you are ok with this? You do know that's unusual?

DeliberateNameChange · 17/01/2021 09:45

@SummerBlondey Far less unusual than you think. Sounds like you may just have a more vanilla sex life than others.

Justa47 · 17/01/2021 09:49

@DeliberateNameChange

Agree

DeliberateNameChange · 17/01/2021 09:54

I actually love the handful of messages from those who think that their OH’s will get reassignment surgery as soon as they put on a pair of knickers. I assume most are a wind up, which is unfair on OP, but if some people actually believe that, it’s hilarious

Russellbrandshair · 17/01/2021 09:57

Also, you’re allowed to not be okay with this. Some people might try and woke-guilt you into being ‘open minded’, but if this is a turn off for you, then that’s totally fine. Draw your boundaries wherever they’re comfortable for YOU

I completely agree with this. Women are always being told they have to be ok with things because, well.... theyre women and therefore have to be kind and sweet and supportive. If you arent ok with this its OK for you to leave.

That said, you need to talk to him about this first in a calm way. What i would be worried about is him having an end goal of transitioning and thats why you need to find out if dressing up is enough for him or if this is a start of a journey. If it is, I personally could not stay but thats a very individual decision and whatever you decide is ok.

Russellbrandshair · 17/01/2021 09:59

@DeliberateNameChange

I actually love the handful of messages from those who think that their OH’s will get reassignment surgery as soon as they put on a pair of knickers. I assume most are a wind up, which is unfair on OP, but if some people actually believe that, it’s hilarious
The reason I say that is because I live in a very bohemian place where being trans is quite common. In conversations with trans women, this is how they began their journey- by dressing up in women's clothes until moving on to the next step. Of course not everyone who dresses in women's clothes will transition but its naive to think it isnt the beginning of journey for many people
Coffeeandcocopops · 17/01/2021 10:02

I just couldn’t get the image out of my head of him in badly applied too much makeup, underwear and a dress. It wouldn’t be attractive to me and I wouldn’t want to be intimate with him.

Balhammom · 17/01/2021 10:05

So here’s the logical flaw:

“Most of A are B” does NOT mean that “most of B are A”.

For instance, it is true that most professional ballerinas are female. It is not true that most females are professional ballerinas.

I can accept that most trans people have tried cross dressing. However, I am quite confident that a minuscule proportion of cross dressers are trans.

At uni, I dated a few rugby players and rowers and, oh my god, give those public school types of bloke a few beers and they loved any excuse to get into a dress. Rest assured reader, that most of those individuals are now successful male bankers/lawyers/politicians.

Russellbrandshair · 17/01/2021 10:16

I can accept that most trans people have tried cross dressing. However, I am quite confident that a minuscule proportion of cross dressers are trans

I agree. But I dont think its wrong for OP to open up an honest conversation about this and how far he would like to go with it. The more they both know where they stand on this, the better they'll be to work out how they want to take this forward

OhCaptain · 17/01/2021 10:17

Rest assured reader, that most of those individuals are now successful male bankers/lawyers/politicians.

Which is relevant, how?

Balhammom · 17/01/2021 10:20

@OhCaptain

For the hard of intellect, the point I was making is that many cross dressers are normal (even successful) individuals and are still blokes 20 years later.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 17/01/2021 10:22

Rest assured reader, that most of those individuals are now successful male bankers/lawyers/politicians

Yes, because we ALL know just how easy it is to transition when you are a successful banker, lawyer or politician! - its a piece of cake and really doesnt affect your career prospects one teeny bit!

Balhammom · 17/01/2021 10:31

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

It isn’t a “piece of cake” as you put it to succeed in any of those industries but I am, for instance, aware of a number a rather successful transgender barristers and a couple of judges.

While many on MN are stuck in the 1980s, the world, including the professions, has moved on.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 17/01/2021 10:39

[quote Balhammom]@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

It isn’t a “piece of cake” as you put it to succeed in any of those industries but I am, for instance, aware of a number a rather successful transgender barristers and a couple of judges.

While many on MN are stuck in the 1980s, the world, including the professions, has moved on.[/quote]
I'm sorry but it hasn't.

Not to the extent you think it has. Its incredibly naive to think just because someone hasn't transitioned yet, the sole reason is because they dont want to. There could be multiple reasons why they feel they cant do that.

OldLang · 17/01/2021 10:43

[quote Balhammom]@OhCaptain

For the hard of intellect, the point I was making is that many cross dressers are normal (even successful) individuals and are still blokes 20 years later.[/quote]
The irony of those first few words when you use a phrase like "rest assured reader". Laughable Grin

OP, what bullshit! You don't need to 'be kind' about this at all. Just because some are happy to have a partner with sexual perversions doesn't mean you have to. He has gaslit, lied and robbed you of the ability to make an informed decision on what you're willing to accept. I wouldn't touch a man who wears prosthetic female body parts with a barge pole, let alone allow him to touch me.

And for people who neglect to rtft, is is Stonewall who include crossdressing under the umbrella of trans. Feel free to take it up with them if you disagree.