Cross dressing - wise words needed

[Understatedhyperbole]

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

I dated a T girl for 7 years. He was very much a bloke, grown up kids, heterosexual, built his own house etc. He liked to go out "girly" though. As a bloke he was pretty boring, but as a "girl" he got loads of attention and it gave me the opportunity to doll myself up. It was fun. He'd been into it, since about the age of 5 and his girly friends were the same.

I didn't mind because I knew that he did that before we met (through plenty of fish), but we discussed my easy acceptance of it and I said that if I'd been married to someone and found out later that he was into it and kept it from me, then that would be deceitful and I probably would walk away.

(If you think I'm odd for being ok about it, you should know I was married for 20 years to a guy who monitored what I looked like and what I wore for most of those years.. "Please tell me you're not going out looking like that?" It was great to just be myself. ..he never judged me at all. )

So even though I'm fine with cross dressers, I'm not fine with deceit.
I would have a problem with that....

@OhCaptain
'Jakey056 use your man brain to point out where I said you couldn’t post'

There you go 👆 - man brain? What is that? An insult? You unable to communicate?
Did I use 'womanbrain'? Or say 'heres a woman going to womansplain'? Oh course not because that would be unreasonable and unkind. I also didnt because I think everyone has the right to comment on a forum without commentary on their gender.
I get women have lits to be angry about but reacting to all men like you did serves no purpose.

Hope that clarifies (or in your mind 'mansplains')

Then if it’s not worn out, apply it to reading all of OP’s posts where she says repeatedly that she’s not ok with it and is ending the relationship.

Then, if it has any juice left in it, tell me why you think it’s ok for you to come onto the thread and tell her she shouldn’t have gone snooping, that she needs therapy, that his choices (which affect her) are none of her business, and how she should find a way to be ok with it EVEN THOUGH SHE’S ENTITLED NOT TO BE.

@Jakey056 riddle me this: why did you feel the need to point out your sex when you commented?

@NameChange123454321

I just wanted to come on to say that I have been with my cross-dressing DH for 13 years now. He made it clear from the start (something like the 3rd-4th time we had sex). I could tell it was really really hard for him to tell me. I think in a way it brought us closer, having this secret between us. I would never tell anyone IRL- it would be unfair on him and to be honest I would be embarrassed because I would assume anyone would just think he's a suppressed transvestite and why am I putting up with it etc etc. He only dresses up for sex (and I dress up too! I suppose some would say it's like a roll play kinky scenario) and as soon as we're 'done' he can't get the kit off fast enough. He's a manly man, big bloke. I would think no one would ever imagine he'd put this sort of thing on. He's happy to go it alone if I don't want to and is extremely understanding if I don't fancy dressing or need some time away from this other person for a while. He can't suppress it but it's never got out of hand or developed into something more like wanting to go out in public in it etc (in fact that would be a huge turn off for him). I never imagined I would ever be with someone who does this sort of thing as I'm really quite a 'boring' person but it works. He's in his 60s.

Talk to your man. You might be surprised and if the relationship is solid it will survive this. The fact that he's lied to you is disappointing but as pp's have a said, it may be what killed his previous marriage - perhaps his previous wife didn't want to tolerate it- and he probably is really just worried he has no chance of a relationship if the truth comes out.

I just think this is exactly what is important to hear. Relationships can survive and even thrive with these kinks if they can be discussed.

Why wouldnt I?

I just think this is exactly what is important to hear. Relationships can survive and even thrive with these kinks if they can be discussed.

Except OP has decided she doesn’t want the relationship to survive so that’s irrelevant, isn’t it?

@OhCaptain

I just think this is exactly what is important to hear. Relationships can survive and even thrive with these kinks if they can be discussed.

Except OP has decided she doesn’t want the relationship to survive so that’s irrelevant, isn’t it?

But she didnt say that. She came here with a load of questions to explore.

@Jakey056

Why wouldnt I?

Why would you?

Be honest now. You mentioned it because you wanted everyone to know A MAN was commenting and should therefore be listened to.

Shame you don’t seem capable of actually reading the whole thread. Maybe then your mansplanation would have been relevant...

But she didnt say that. She came here with a load of questions to explore.

Yes dear. She did.

Hi Jakey

I’m pretty sure you didn’t realise how patronsing your post was - you seem surprised at the reaction. If you had read the thread you will see that my partner has blatantly lied to me, he has been asked directly and we have had very open discussions about sexuality and boundaries.

It is possible that my partner has no shame about this - but his behaviour indicates otherwise. If he truly has no shame then that is even worse. It means he has hid this from me solely because he wants to be in a relationship with me and has no regard or care to my feelings, needs or boundaries. That is borderline psychopathic.

You put a lot of emphasis on me ‘finding out’ and keeping things private from your wife. I wonder why this is so important to you. Maybe you need to fully experience and explore intimacy so you don’t get caught up in a narrative where your relationships are just about you and you’re own needs. Maybe a psychotherapist could help you explore this further.

Life is short! Be brave!

Those of you throwing round the "be more open-minded, less vanilla" accusations around, are women allowed any non-negotiable boundaries?

A woman who doesn't like anal? "Try more lube and small butt plugs initially, learn to relax and if that doesn't work, see a therapist..."

A woman who doesn't like rape fantasies? "Loosen up, see them as him harmlessly exploring his inner caveman, lie back and think of England..."

A woman who doesn't like being choked? "Have you thought of trying to swim widths of your local pool underwater to get used to that feeling of not having enough oxygen?"

I mean, seriously, what things do you think women are allowed to say "no" to, without that being taken not as "no", but as the opener for negotiations/start of a process of coercion and erosion of boundaries?

Is there anything in your world view a woman is simply allowed to say "no" to?

And do you realise that by treating women's "no" in this way you are in fact apologists for rape and sexual violence?

@OhCaptain

I just think this is exactly what is important to hear. Relationships can survive and even thrive with these kinks if they can be discussed.

Except OP has decided she doesn’t want the relationship to survive so that’s irrelevant, isn’t it?

Still does not take away from the fact that many relationships do survive these things. Healthy relationships endure much more than your narrow view of perfection where every kink is interpreted as a powerplay in a mans favour.

@Jakey056

Oh all knowing one, please point out my gendered projection and disordered thinking?

Although, I think I'll pass on taking advice from someone who thinks gender and sex are interchangeable.

You have no credibility, cherry picking advice while conveniently ignoring the poster who gave it mentioned her parter was clear and upfront about his crossdressing. Therefore, giving her the opportunity to make informed choices about proceeding with the relationship.

You are minimising calling it a kink. It's a sexual perversion and OP has absolutely zero obligation to even speak to this man again, much less try and understand him. He doesn't deserve it.

@CaraDuneRedux

Those of you throwing round the "be more open-minded, less vanilla" accusations around, are women allowed any non-negotiable boundaries?

A woman who doesn't like anal? "Try more lube and small butt plugs initially, learn to relax and if that doesn't work, see a therapist..."

A woman who doesn't like rape fantasies? "Loosen up, see them as him harmlessly exploring his inner caveman, lie back and think of England..."

A woman who doesn't like being choked? "Have you thought of trying to swim widths of your local pool underwater to get used to that feeling of not having enough oxygen?"

I mean, seriously, what things do you think women are allowed to say "no" to, without that being taken not as "no", but as the opener for negotiations/start of a process of coercion and erosion of boundaries?

Is there anything in your world view a woman is simply allowed to say "no" to?

And do you realise that by treating women's "no" in this way you are in fact apologists for rape and sexual violence?

Funny how it’s always women who need to change their comfort zones and boundaries, isn’t it?

@Understatedhyperbole

Hi Jakey

I’m pretty sure you didn’t realise how patronsing your post was - you seem surprised at the reaction. If you had read the thread you will see that my partner has blatantly lied to me, he has been asked directly and we have had very open discussions about sexuality and boundaries.

It is possible that my partner has no shame about this - but his behaviour indicates otherwise. If he truly has no shame then that is even worse. It means he has hid this from me solely because he wants to be in a relationship with me and has no regard or care to my feelings, needs or boundaries. That is borderline psychopathic.

You put a lot of emphasis on me ‘finding out’ and keeping things private from your wife. I wonder why this is so important to you. Maybe you need to fully experience and explore intimacy so you don’t get caught up in a narrative where your relationships are just about you and you’re own needs. Maybe a psychotherapist could help you explore this further.

Life is short! Be brave!

Oh @Understatedhyperbole I love you! 👏👏👏

@Jakey056 I would like to second PP’s suggestion that you get some therapy. I think it will benefit you enormously.

@CaraDuneRedux

Those of you throwing round the "be more open-minded, less vanilla" accusations around, are women allowed any non-negotiable boundaries?

A woman who doesn't like anal? "Try more lube and small butt plugs initially, learn to relax and if that doesn't work, see a therapist..."

A woman who doesn't like rape fantasies? "Loosen up, see them as him harmlessly exploring his inner caveman, lie back and think of England..."

A woman who doesn't like being choked? "Have you thought of trying to swim widths of your local pool underwater to get used to that feeling of not having enough oxygen?"

I mean, seriously, what things do you think women are allowed to say "no" to, without that being taken not as "no", but as the opener for negotiations/start of a process of coercion and erosion of boundaries?

Is there anything in your world view a woman is simply allowed to say "no" to?

And do you realise that by treating women's "no" in this way you are in fact apologists for rape and sexual violence?

I think thats an important point. Im all for informed and open discussion and it is interesting to read the comments here. Theres a kind of a 'lighten up, its only cross dressing' thing going on. I have no issue with kinks in a relationship but they should be clearly discussed abd nobody is under any onligation to go along if they dont want to. Think the OP wantes to discuss how this would or would not fit in her relationship.

Your post is a good one.

Is there anything in your world view a woman is simply allowed to say "no" to?

Yes I’d like to hear the answer to this too.

I don’t understand why people want OP to compromise on her boundaries. She finds cross dressing a turn off. That is OK. I assume she still respects the person, she just doesn’t want them as a partner anymore.

I have seen all sorts of discussions here about when women “get the ick”. Some women apparently feels that the way someone talks, brushes their teeth, their shoes or their table manners being such a turn off that they cannot envision being with that person in a sexual longer term relationship. That is their prerogative. As is not wanting to be in a sexual relationship with someone who claims that they are male whilst secretly wearing silicone breasts.

Nobody is entitled to sex or a sexual relationship with a certain person. Everyone is entitled to find certain behaviour or personality traits a complete turn off. Hopefully there is someone for everyone.

Far less unusual than you think. Sounds like you may just have a more vanilla sex life than others

So there are 2 types of sex?

A= sex with a man dressed as Barbara = thrilling

B = sex with normal male = vanilla

WOW.

@OhCaptain

Fancy a game of bingo?

So far we have:

• NAMALT
• Women have 'disordered thinking' for not putting up with men's bullshit.
• Feigned interest in OPs wellbeing (probably getting off on his own sexual perversion)
• Inability to actually answer questions, instead turning them round to say meaningless shit like "womanbrain'
• minimising
• women should fulfil imaginary obligations
• be nice/kind

-men have shit all over you, see a psychotherapist to explore what you can do differently in future

Any others?

@OldLang

• oh I can’t post here because I’m a MAN (sob, sob, sob)

Are those mean ladies not letting you dominate their space? Aw boohoo

New one!!

• retroactively agreeing with a comment that conflicts with his own original opinion to try and seem less like a big throbbing dick

@OldLang

Are those mean ladies not letting you dominate their space? Aw boohoo

New one!!

• retroactively agreeing with a comment that conflicts with his own original opinion to try and seem less like a big throbbing dick

🤣🤣🤣

It’s too good.

@Jakey056

Why not explore it, find out more about it, why, what does it make him feel like

Would you do this for your wife, if she wanted to dress like Bob the Builder in secret, with a prosthetic penis and her breasts strapped up? If that's what turned her on?

Highly doubt it.