Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

540 replies

bringwineplease · 13/01/2021 14:26

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine. Hmm

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door Hmm I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again Confused

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?" Confused

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 10:32

I know you love him but can you honestly say you want to spend the rest of your life with someone watching your every move and asking you a million questions about everything you do all of the time?

No, I cannot spend the rest of my life like that.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 14/01/2021 10:33

@bringwineplease you keep adding things that are just weird and creepy. You know this right?! If you can check work CCTV, do so. I think you'll find he's been there a lot. But really, there are a million red flags.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 10:33

@bringwineplease

I put the wind up his sails on Monday by dropping into conversation that the CCTV at my work is working again (it spans the entire length of the road and all entrances/exits). I don't think I've never seen him look up from his phone so fast. He was shocked. I said why does that surprise you so much? He said "you told me it wasn't working", I said no its been fixed for months....
So it appears he literally feels you owe him the details of the minutiae of your life and that if you don't provide them, you are withholding information from him... so far from normal I don't even know where to start.
lilroo87 · 14/01/2021 10:33

For him to have the reaction about the CCTV would tell me that he probably goes by your work most days.
Has it been working long? If you get on with the security team would they let you take a look at the last few days to see if he has been by?

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 10:34

I am shocked that people are shocked. It just seems par the course of normal conversation to me now. Does nobody else speak to their spouse about what they got up to at work...?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 10:35

@bringwineplease

I put the wind up his sails on Monday by dropping into conversation that the CCTV at my work is working again (it spans the entire length of the road and all entrances/exits). I don't think I've never seen him look up from his phone so fast. He was shocked. I said why does that surprise you so much? He said "you told me it wasn't working", I said no its been fixed for months....
Oh god and just realised his reaction may in fact be because he's been checking up on you and now his car / him will have been on CCTV frequently when he thought it wasn't catching him.
lilroo87 · 14/01/2021 10:36

I talk to my fiancé about my day and he takes to me about his but there's a difference talking about it to being asked a million questions and having your bins rifled through. Also, if you say something that he knows isn't correct, cause he's been to your work, then you are questioned on that too.
It's all too scary and it seems your are getting comfortable with his behaviour which is bad

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 10:36

BlingLoving I'm sorry I'm honestly not deliberately adding things in for entertainment value or anything. I'm suddenly remembering things based on what people are saying. Him getting jumpy at the CCTV didn't even register in my brain on Monday. I just pieced it together now.

I maybe need to start keeping a diary.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 14/01/2021 10:37

Occasionally I'll get a funny story about someone, out if a coworker is pg or something. I don't cross examine him about who was in the office that day.

OP you are the living example of the boiled frog. It has become so normalized to you that you don't recognize how batshit it all is. But we do.

IT'S NOT NORMAL.

Fairydustrust · 14/01/2021 10:37

How the chuff does he know which car belongs to which work colleague?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 10:37

@bringwineplease

BlingLoving I'm sorry I'm honestly not deliberately adding things in for entertainment value or anything. I'm suddenly remembering things based on what people are saying. Him getting jumpy at the CCTV didn't even register in my brain on Monday. I just pieced it together now.

I maybe need to start keeping a diary.

Keep it somewhere he absolutely cannot find it - somewhere physically impossible like in a book in a drawer at work. Handwritten so he literally couldn't find it.
Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 10:38

lilroo I'm absolutely not comfortable with that behaviour. I told him if I ever caught him walking past my work again, we were done. Its in the middle of an industrial estate. Not somewhere the dog would be particularly pleased to go!

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 14/01/2021 10:38

None of us can say why he does it OP, but it’s definitely not normal. There’s a huge difference between being interested in your partner’s life and how they’re doing, and being obsessed by the minutiae to this level. Sounds like you don’t actually need to talk to him about what you got up to at work because he already knows...

billy1966 · 14/01/2021 10:38

He's an absolutely freak.

OP,
You need to see someone on your own to figure out how and why you have allowed this to continue.

He's an absolute freak.
A creepy freak.

He clearly rummages through your things.

He has zero respect for you.
Thank God you don't have children with him.

Your life is only going to get more miserable the longer you stay.

He has zero intention of changing.

Someone that creepy is capable of anything.

Not to be trusted.

You are far too passive.

Flowers
Shoxfordian · 14/01/2021 10:41

Of course it’s normal to talk about your day, it isn’t normal to be cross examined about it like you’re the witness for the defence and the prosecution wants to prove you’re lying

It seems like you’re minimising it and excusing him which is natural for you, if you really saw how horrifying this behaviour is then you couldn’t stay with him

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 10:46

How the chuff does he know which car belongs to which work colleague?

This!!! I've mentioned one or two of my colleagues like oh such and such turned up in his new Jag today. Or if we've driven past a colleague I'll say oh there's X from my work. But how he knows the others I have no idea! I asked and he said "I just notice these things" Hmm

OP posts:
litterbird · 14/01/2021 10:48

I have just read this thread and it is one of the creepiest ones I have seen on MN. I am so sorry for you. You clearly have normalised this over time. I can assure you this is not normal behaviour. Please check your entire house if you can for cameras. I am sorry to say this happened to a friend of a friend and the small camera was found in the bag he used to come over with with all his toiletries in when he stayed. He was arrested and charged despite them being in a relationship. My partner and I chat every day about what has happened in the day as that is normal. He doesn't follow me around the house or question anything I have bought. I have a feeling you OH is displaying some low level mental health problems that can be worked on. I wish you well OP as this behaviour would drive me insane!

lilroo87 · 14/01/2021 10:49

@bringwineplease

How the chuff does he know which car belongs to which work colleague?

This!!! I've mentioned one or two of my colleagues like oh such and such turned up in his new Jag today. Or if we've driven past a colleague I'll say oh there's X from my work. But how he knows the others I have no idea! I asked and he said "I just notice these things" Hmm

Maybe he's sitting outside watching people go their cars. You could give him false info and say so and so got a new car today and it'll wind him up cause it wont be in the car park even if you say you're at work with them
lilroo87 · 14/01/2021 10:52

Although downside to giving him false info is that it could go very very wrong

chipsandgin · 14/01/2021 10:52

This thread is terrifying & what you are describing is coercive control by someone who sounds quite seriously and increasingly mentally unstable. It sounds like you are aware of this but at the name time have normalised it to the extent that you were in your initial OP mentioning the following in a quite lighthearted way...it’s clearly far bigger than that & your subsequent posts start show his behaviour for what it is - creepy and sinister, way past ‘attentive’ (needy)..

If you were my daughter/sister/friend in your situation I’d be desperately encouraging you to run for the hills, or at the he very least try and get him some professional help fast. It’s really not ok.

I hope that this thread has been a wake up call, you’ve obviously got the patience of a saint if nothing else!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 10:55

@bringwineplease

How the chuff does he know which car belongs to which work colleague?

This!!! I've mentioned one or two of my colleagues like oh such and such turned up in his new Jag today. Or if we've driven past a colleague I'll say oh there's X from my work. But how he knows the others I have no idea! I asked and he said "I just notice these things" Hmm

To notice the car a colleague has he has watched a colleague get into that car. He's watching you OP. This thread makes me feel so icky and I'm really glad you posted and hope you continue to because I think it's waking you up to how bad a case this is.
teenage · 14/01/2021 10:55

I don't think it's helpful to describe this as mental instability, as if he can't control his behaviour.

He's very, very controlled and choosing his behaviour very, very carefully. For whatever motives. It's not unstable - it's abusive.

BlingLoving · 14/01/2021 10:56

@bringwineplease

BlingLoving I'm sorry I'm honestly not deliberately adding things in for entertainment value or anything. I'm suddenly remembering things based on what people are saying. Him getting jumpy at the CCTV didn't even register in my brain on Monday. I just pieced it together now.

I maybe need to start keeping a diary.

Oh dear, again, you have read my message as me blaming your for something (I'm not) and then you feel you need to justify (you don't). I'm sorry that keeps happening!

OP, please believe all of us when we say that this is not normal and as @CraftyYankee says - it is 100% the boiled frog thing. It's become so normal to you that you don't even notice it anymore. This is NOT a judgement on you. It's simply yet another sign of how bad things are that he's got you normalising it all.

Dh and I absolutely talk about our days and people at work. With the exception of very close colleagues, neither of us remembers the exact details of person x or person y. There's normal chit chat about work and then there's weird levels. CCTV is sort of one - I can't imagine a situation where work CCTV would come up in conversation short of a big scandal in the office about Jimmy in Accounts fiddling the books or something.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 10:56

Definitely a wake up call.

OP posts:
Tempusfudgeit · 14/01/2021 10:56

This is one of the most disturbing threads I've ever read.

Not just his behaviour (seriously psychologically disturbed / criminal) but also yours (minimising, excusing, explaining) Terrifying.

OP, imagine your adult daughter wrote this. Would you laugh and say 'Yes, daughter, this is exactly the life I wished for you' or would you gather her up and run like hell to a place of safety?