DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

[bringwineplease]

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine.

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?"

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

Very very strange behavior but I also think it's strange you can't talk to him about it? If my husband did this I'd tell him sharply to stop being a weirdo and following me all over the place.

My DC and more-so my dog is always underfoot like this and it's maddening so I understand your irritation - couldn't put up with it from a grown man though!

@Fairydustrust

How the chuff does he know which car belongs to which work colleague?

How the chuff does he know your work cctv had not been working??

It came up because I said "oh we had the police at my work today investigating some dodgy goings on in the area, they were asking to view our CCTV to see if we caught anything".

He's walked past your workplace far more than one time too hence his reactions to the cameras.

You have been conditioned by degrees over the entire length of this relationship to accept and remain passive to his control and power over you. You were targeted by him and deliberately so.

You are indeed as another poster pointed out, the frog in the boiled frog analogy. Acting as you have done has not worked, the only way out for you from all this is to leave him entirely and rebuild your life. Abuse like this and it is abuse will take a long time, years even, to recover from and your own recovery from this has not even started yet. The effects of all this on you are far reaching and long and will continue even when you are directly out of his clutches.

@bringwineplease

It is seriously suffocating. It's not really a new thing, but it has really ramped up in the last couple of weeks. He's also been texting constantly while I'm at work. Like every half hour sort of thing. Even if I don't reply.

Last weekend was the only time I've really mentioned it. He seemed surprised, but it hasn't deterred him.

He doesn’t trust you.

My ex used to check I was where I said I was. Would drive past my house and work, and if I'd said I wasn't on site he'd "innocently" ask for a selfie. He once drove round all the pubs looking for me after a fight and found me with a female friend and took that as proof I was a liar and a chest. Obviously on the pull see. He once wanted photo proof I was at home and kicked off and said it wasn't my living room or TV, forgetting my DM has two reception rooms.

Your DP is more insidious that my ex. Mine would be on a constant mission to catch me out so he could have a tantrum and make me out to be a liar. Yours is quietly chipping away at you which frankly, is more terrifying.

And I have to be honest. You're acting like this is some kind of game. All this "I caught him out, he tried to catch me out". Fucksake this man is nothing short of dangerous.

I implore you to leave and slap him with a restraining order tbh.

@YoniAndGuy that can happen though. The more she thinks about scenarios that at the time didn't feel like anything are all of a sudden coming back to her kind and making her think "maybe that wasn't normal"

Cheat not chest obviously

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Did you meet this individual when you were in a low place yourself?.

How many of your family and or friends know about this side to him; not many I daresay. This is also likely because of potential embarrassment and shame; both misplaced emotions on your part I might add.

How old are you compared to him?.

I didn't realise an ex was stalking me until he was threatening suicide if I broke up with him. After I ended it he continued to stalk me. Fucking terrifying.

Op you're being abused. No point talking to him about it. You need to leave the relationship quickly.

When you were having counselling together, what on earth did the counsellor have to say about all this? Did they not identify it as controlling and deeply concerning?

My DP can be like this. When I was WFH and he wasn't I'd feel a presence behind me and he'd just be standing in the doorway gazing at me.

He doesn't allows follow me as such but if I'm going in to the kitchen to cook, for example, somehow he often ends up in front of me and always goes to exactly where I need to go. He's totally oblivious to the fact that he's completely in the way and it drives me nuts.

He's not doing it to be creepy though - he's genuinely just a bit ditzy sometimes when he's lost in his own thoughts and doesn't think/realise what he's doing. Sometimes I just stand there and stare at him and see how long it takes him to realise he's in my way - it's a bit of a game to me now!

My DF's exactly the same with my DM - follows her around the house like a love sick puppy and noses at what she's doing, to the point that I often have to buy his birthday present for her as she can't often go on Amazon in peace! He's retired though and DM still works so I think he's just craving company after a day at home alone with DDog! DM escapes on a long dog walk that my DF can't do to get some alone time!

I think I'd be asking work if you can check the cctv for him over the last week. He's obviously been back to walking by or he wouldn't have reacted at all to your statement. Make sure that find me now or whatever the none apple equivalent is is switched off on your phone. This is sounding more and more disturbing, I think you have a genuine problem here. What's he doing is not pleasant and really down right unpleasant.

I genuinely don't think he's dangerous. He doesn't have it in him. I think hes just fallen into the habit. He's just so used to asking questions, I don't think he even listens to the answers half the time.

You are strangely passive in the face of this OP.
Maybe making contact with Women’s Aid or Suzy Lamplugh Trust might help you plan next steps? None of this is ok.

I think hes similar to yours TigerDrawers he just stands about and gets in the way. Its genuinely like puppy dog behaviour.

Yes I've had this with a couple of previous boyfriends. One in particular. He suffered from anxiety - could that be the case with your DH?

@bringwineplease I didn't think my ex was dangerous until he threw me against a wall.
You started this thread with concerns over his behaviour but occasionally you seem to try and justify it. It is normal to do that because you don't want to believe it's as bad as a lot of us think it is.
Just be careful!

This is extremely chilling.
He reminds me of what Dr Joe Carver has written about re "Losers".

"As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behaviour of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

"The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

"The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behaviour will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done".

@bringwineplease

I genuinely don't think he's dangerous. He doesn't have it in him. I think hes just fallen into the habit. He's just so used to asking questions, I don't think he even listens to the answers half the time.

Of course he listens. He tries to catch you out. @TigerDrawers didn't say her partner has stalked her at work. Yours has. That isn't someone who 'doesn't have it in him' to be dangerous. It's someone who hasn't yet got that far because their partner is compliant.

He is dangerous to you pyschologically; you really do not know now which way is up and all this is done by him to undermine you emotionally. If he did decide that this was not working for him I have no doubt at all he would resort to physical violence against you.

Look at the person you were before you met him and what you are yourself now. See the difference; you're being boiled alive here.

@bringwineplease

I genuinely don't think he's dangerous. He doesn't have it in him. I think hes just fallen into the habit. He's just so used to asking questions, I don't think he even listens to the answers half the time.

Now you're just lying to yourself.

If he didn't know the answers, how does he know seemingly irrelevant and unimportant details about EVERYTHING.

And it's not just 'asking questions'. It's fucking stalking you.

@bringwineplease

I genuinely don't think he's dangerous. He doesn't have it in him. I think hes just fallen into the habit. He's just so used to asking questions, I don't think he even listens to the answers half the time.

He remembers and "notices" EVERYTHING and you think he's not listening!? OP, he is absolutely listening. And using it to "catch you out" and put you on the back foot.

This is indeed not someone who 'doesn't have it in him' to be dangerous. It's someone who hasn't yet got that far because their partner is compliant.

He is a danger to all women frankly. He has walked the dog past your workplace on more than one occasion and has noted the cars parked inside. He won't let you leave him at all easily.

You've also been conditioned over time to be and remain compliant and passive to all this from him. These abusive tactics work on people to their detriment; that is why people like this man here use them.