DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

[bringwineplease]

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine.

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?"

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

Cross post Whoateallthestuffingballs and it was me, I ate way more than my fair share over Christmas!

@bringwineplease

BlingLoving it can be very difficult to argue with some of his defenses sometimes. How do you know I went to Tesco? "Because you left the receipt upstairs" how can I really argue with that? If I say "well who even cares if I went to Tesco??" it makes me sound like the one who is getting defensive, and like I'm making a big deal out of a non-event.

Op - to be clear, I'm not blaming you at all. I'm saying that I think the issue is significantly further along than perhaps you realise. Of course it's difficult to argue with him - that's why these behaviours are so insidious. You look like the crazy woman complaining because he asked you about Tesco. But it's the pattern and long-term nature of the behaviour. And in this case, on some level, you have already changed your behaviour/responses as a result in that you are having to sanity check whether any of this is normal. So he's doing a really good job.

I'd agree with a PP. He wants control. The goal here is for you NOT to go to Tesco, NOT to do things without him. No wonder he's going down conspiracy holes - Covid is the perfect excuse to insist that you are "even more careful', stay close to him, don't interact/engage with the rest of the world etc.

It may well be that he has serious mental health issues, bt if that's the case, those need to be addressed so that his behaviour towards you changes. But I'm not optimistic because one thing about conspiracy theorist types is a complete unwillingness to see how their behaviour is odd.

Everything about your life is being monitored by him to the nth degree by both word and deed. Your time spent at work, the contents of bins, wardrobe, the amount of time you spend in the bathroom and far more besides is all being committed to memory by him to try and catch you out somehow.

When he's sending you countdowns to how long until you leave work... does it make you feel pressure? Like you can't stay an extra few minutes, or chat with a colleague on your way out or whatever? Because that's the goal with this type of thing.

If this only started 15 months ago, what happened to flick that switch?

He wants you to know that he know everything

This is the worst part. The "almost daring you" to ask how he knew about the flash. The bullshit about smelling dumbbells in a box under the bed. The faux interest in mumsnet.
He's telling you in no uncertain terms that he fucking owns you.

Run before it's too late.

@bringwineplease

Also yes 90% certain he will be reading this. He's taken an unusual interest in MN asking what sort of threads are on here, what gets talked about. That's why I haven't bothered changing any details.

If that's the case then he can read this:

He sounds like an abusive stalker.

Of course he won't change, he didn't last time. Just hid it til he got comfortable again.

Are you planning to have children with this creep?

Also yes 90% certain he will be reading this.

An ex of mine did this (different forum, not MN).
He even used to log in from his workplace to follow me around on it.

Oh God, being late home from work used to be a massive bone of contention for him. He used to question me and act a bit sulky if I was so much as 10 minutes later than expected. I told him that had to stop too, as I don't have the sort of job where I can just down tools and walk out bang on time, and yes sometimes I get caught up in a chat before I go. He's largely stopped doing that now except for the odd "you're a bit later today, was work busy?"

I do love him and we get on spectacularly well and I enjoy his company.

I feel sick to my stomach at the thought he might be watching me without my even knowing.

Do you see how contradictory these statements are, OP?

You've been trained by degrees to ignore your instincts and to second-guess yourself - but those instincts are still there. That physical sensation of tightness in the chest or sick to the stomach is your body SCREAMING at your mind to pay attention - something isn't right.

Being constantly spied on is WRONG. There is nothing - nothing! - lovely about this behaviour.

I know it's hard to accept, because this is just an anonymous forum, nobody knows your life and the bond you've built up with this man, but he's not treating you right. He's making you feel sick. You don't have to live like this.

teenage oh wow, that made me feel physically sick putting those 2 sentences together! You're so right.

@bringwineplease

Oh God, being late home from work used to be a massive bone of contention for him. He used to question me and act a bit sulky if I was so much as 10 minutes later than expected. I told him that had to stop too, as I don't have the sort of job where I can just down tools and walk out bang on time, and yes sometimes I get caught up in a chat before I go. He's largely stopped doing that now except for the odd "you're a bit later today, was work busy?"

Oh god. I recognise all the signs from SIL and BIL, hence my question. She's also told him this has to stop, so now he doesn't say anything, just acts all weird and passive aggressive if she's home 10 minutes late. And she has to consciously not react or excuse herself because he's got her so well trained.

Incidentally, he HAS accused her of having affairs in the past. With men AND women (she's not bi-sexual). Basically anyone she spends time with is, in his head, potentially a lover. She once had to explain extra panties in the wash as he was suspicious - she had her period and had leaked. [I can honestly, hand on heart, say that although DH does 90% of the washing in our house, the chances he'd even notice whether I'd put panties in or not, never mind how many pairs, is small to non-existent.]

I'm hoping I can talk to him about it and get it resolved.

You think this can at all be resolved by talking about it?. You tried that and with a counsellor too and it has not worked. It will never work with such a disordered of thinking man like this. Nor has putting up with this for the sake of a quiet life.

A PP said that you could go for counselling on your own but I don't think that would be an option as he is likely to find out and it could make the situation worse.
Unless you were able to have the counsellor come to your work or you to go in work time for your own safety.
I know it seems strange to think it could turn violent as it's just him questioning but it is a very real possibility.
My ex wasn't controlling in this way but would make me second guess everything. He was a form of emotional abuse which I didn't fully realise at the time and only found the courage to leave when he threw me against a wall which I never thought was in his nature.
This whole situation is one big red flag and it's easy for me to say this from the outside but for your safety you should leave.
Your options in the situation are finally buckle under all his pressure and tell him everything you do and ask his permission to do things or get out!!

Coercive control is a crime. It includes behaviour such as:

Monitoring your time
Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
Controlling your finances (I would argue that monitoring and scrutinising your spending habits falls in this category)

I'm concerned for you, OP. I don't think he is safe.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/#:~:text=Coercive%20control%20is%20an%20act%20or%20a%20pattern,used%20to%20harm%2C%20punish%2C%20or%20frighten%20their%20victim.

How can you continue to enjoy his company knowing that he is spying on you in some way? There are far too many incidents here to be a coincidence.

He no longer sulks and acts huffy if I'm late. He does ask me a hell of a lot of questions about work though. How was this person, that person, who was on shift with you today (factory, with 4 shift patterns). He does have a fixation with one colleague in particular, who he asks about/speaks about/speculates about constantly. He has also made some comments about him to try and get me to think he knows "more about him" too. E.g. this colleague is quite bold and loud-mouthed- I'll say something like omg you should hear the (good natured) abuse colleague gave to suchandsuch today and DP will come back with "yeah you just need to hear the way he speaks to his mates in the pub to know he's a loud-mouth" DP has never met colleague.

The more you post the scarier he sounds. He works night shifts - anything to do with IT or security by chance?

@bringwineplease

He no longer sulks and acts huffy if I'm late. He does ask me a hell of a lot of questions about work though. How was this person, that person, who was on shift with you today (factory, with 4 shift patterns). He does have a fixation with one colleague in particular, who he asks about/speaks about/speculates about constantly. He has also made some comments about him to try and get me to think he knows "more about him" too. E.g. this colleague is quite bold and loud-mouthed- I'll say something like omg you should hear the (good natured) abuse colleague gave to suchandsuch today and DP will come back with "yeah you just need to hear the way he speaks to his mates in the pub to know he's a loud-mouth" DP has never met colleague.

That is even more odd behaviour. He may no longer sulk when you are later than expected but he still asks you a million questions which is just as bad. I used to try and justify everything my ex did to other people but in reality he was gaslighting me and I didn't realise until I was out of it. I really feel for you and hope he doesn't get worse. You need to keep standing your ground and don't change but that comes with a huge caution as it will make his behaviour worse. You've been with him a long time so I know it isn't easy to walk away but you really should consider it

He even claimed to "catch me out in a lie" once when he asked who I was on shift with. I said X and he went quiet/sulky/stroppy and finally got it out of him that he knows I'm lying because Y's car was outside so I must have been working with Y, not X. When pushed (over the course of a week) it transpired he was walking the dog past my work to check up on me. this also contributed to the blow up, temporary separation, counselling and AFAIK hasn't happened since. Counsellor gave him a good dressing down for that one.

No he's not in IT/security. I suppose that doesn't matter though because you can find anything you need online.

Weird, controlling - I couldn't live like this

The fact he's walked past your work before to check on you is another red flag to add to the pile and he has probably continued to do that but not told you.
I know you love him but can you honestly say you want to spend the rest of your life with someone watching your every move and asking you a million questions about everything you do all of the time?

This sounds so evil and creepy.

Are you his only hobby?

What can you have to talk about? Between working, stalking you and presumably sleeping, how does he have time for anything else?

I put the wind up his sails on Monday by dropping into conversation that the CCTV at my work is working again (it spans the entire length of the road and all entrances/exits). I don't think I've never seen him look up from his phone so fast. He was shocked. I said why does that surprise you so much? He said "you told me it wasn't working", I said no its been fixed for months....

OP this is chilling reading tbh. He sounds obsessed with you. That's different to love and companionship. Does he have many friends or is his life centred around you?

Honestly, I feel like the fog is slightly lifting but you are so used to this behaviour (which is insidious and creeps up on you) that you are shocked people are shocked by it, if that makes sense?

It's really, really fucking weird. The fact you think he'll probably read this thread... questioning who you've been with, trying to catch you in a lie constantly, physically going past your work to check whose car is there, checking the bins for wrappers and receipts.

I can't stress enough how fucking creepy and controlling all of that is.

Just because you don't cave to his attempts to control and catch you out doesn't mean he isn't controlling and trying to catch you out. His behaviour is still so weird and so unhealthy.