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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

540 replies

bringwineplease · 13/01/2021 14:26

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine. Hmm

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door Hmm I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again Confused

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?" Confused

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

OP posts:
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Vigorothello · 14/01/2021 09:16

OP have any friends ever commented that his behaviour is weird?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 14/01/2021 09:16

FFS op, if this is for real you need to run like fuck.

HE WILL NOT STOP. He will only pretend to like last time. His behaviour is not fucking normal in any way, shape or form
Time to protect yourself.

The bathroom thing really does sound like the steam was messing with his camera and he couldn't see what you were doing so he was getting agitated to the point he had to barge in and check.

Tracker on phone. Cameras around the house. Do you realise how small they are nowadays?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2021 09:17

Everything about your life is being monitored by him to the nth degree by both word and deed. Your time spent at work, the contents of bins, wardrobe, the amount of time you spend in the bathroom and far more besides is all being committed to memory by him to try and catch you out somehow. He knows far more about the mundane minutae of your life than he at all needs to and has too much time on his hands. Its not your fault he may well have a form of personality disorder relating to paranoia and you certainly did not make him that way. This is all on him.

In such circumstances too I would firm up a plan to leave and rebuild your life.

BlingLoving · 14/01/2021 09:19

The thing that bothers me OP is that in your first post, obviously to try get an unbiased opinion from MN, you didn't mention any of your history. Fair enough. Except....

... having been through all this before, left him over it, seen a counsellor etc you shouldn't need an unbiased opinion because you should just know it's not okay and it's previously bad behaviour coming back and escalating. The fact that you weren't sure says to me that he's done a very good job of making you question your own instincts even when your joint counsellor has previously pointed out how not okay this is. So it's actually even more worrying than just the behaviour because it's also affected your behaviour but obviously, that's hard to see because you're in it.

Just the following you around thing was needy and annoying but I'd have been willing to say perhaps he has anxiety etc. But the updates show this man is just off his head crazy and you should be very careful.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 09:20

I really don't think theres anything in the bathroom. Its tiny and I clean it several times a week. Theres nowhere it could be hiding. I haven't checked the fan but I will do that tonight. I don't see how me laying in the bath watching Netflix is particularly exciting.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 14/01/2021 09:20

Good lord this is not healthy OP.

He could smell the dumbells? Does he normally have an elevated sense of smell...

If you said to him that you just want some space and lock yourself in your room, how would he react?

lilroo87 · 14/01/2021 09:22

Thinking about this even more, it strikes me as a control thing on his part. He wants you to know that he know everything and is probably hoping that eventually you will get to a point where you're asking his permission to buy things or go somewhere.
Obviously that isn't working on you at the moment so his behaviour will become more extreme. He's not trying to hide what he's doing, he wants you to know there's no getting away from him.

isthismylifenow · 14/01/2021 09:22

The bathroom thing really does sound like the steam was messing with his camera and he couldn't see what you were doing so he was getting agitated to the point he had to barge in and check

I hate to say it OP, but this is very valid.

But if you suspect he is reading this thread.. there will be nothing there to find tonight.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 09:23

BlingLoving it can be very difficult to argue with some of his defenses sometimes. How do you know I went to Tesco? "Because you left the receipt upstairs" how can I really argue with that? If I say "well who even cares if I went to Tesco??" it makes me sound like the one who is getting defensive, and like I'm making a big deal out of a non-event.

OP posts:
Vigorothello · 14/01/2021 09:24

Any Dr.Phil fans will remember that odious little prick who did the same with his wife, including telling her he had had a vasectomy when actually he hadn’t. Dr. Phil called him out on it and he went absolutely crackers and ran off down the street.

Vigorothello · 14/01/2021 09:25

bringwineplease no it doesn’t make you sound defensive. But thing is, you have every right to be.

What happened the last time you went through this? Did he enlighten the counsellor as to why he feels the need to do this?

ApolloandDaphne · 14/01/2021 09:26

He found the dumbbells because it is blatantly obvious that when you are at work he is rifling through your belongings and checking where you might have hidden things. I suspect this extends to him going through your garbage to find evidence of wrappers and takeaway boxes etc. It is creepy and disturbing in the extreme.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 09:26

He's definitely not trying to hide it. Like with the Flash thing, it felt like he was almost daring me to say something.

Even at Christmas there, he took great delight in hinting that he had found my hiding place for his presents. Even if he had, why feel the need to mention it?

OP posts:
AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 14/01/2021 09:28

No, and I would find that deeply unattractive..

Its a bit controlling and concerning IMO

lilroo87 · 14/01/2021 09:29

@ApolloandDaphne

He found the dumbbells because it is blatantly obvious that when you are at work he is rifling through your belongings and checking where you might have hidden things. I suspect this extends to him going through your garbage to find evidence of wrappers and takeaway boxes etc. It is creepy and disturbing in the extreme.
This...100% yes. Who has the time to be doing that. I think he is definitely wanting you to tell him when you buy things or go anywhere.
Vigorothello · 14/01/2021 09:29

why feel the need to mention it?

So that you are in no doubt about how clever and crafty he is and won’t try anything. Obviously!

Although it’s not obvious to you cos you’re in it, but it’s crystal clear to the observer.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 09:29

No, he didn't enlighten the counsellor or me as to why he was doing it. Doe eyed innocence and everything had an explanation.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2021 09:29

"I really don't think theres anything in the bathroom. Its tiny and I clean it several times a week. Theres nowhere it could be hiding. I haven't checked the fan but I will do that tonight. I don't see how me laying in the bath watching Netflix is particularly exciting".

A tiny bathroom is no deterant or obstacle to the placing of any pinhole cameras. I think you seem to be downplaying this because you do not want to think that you chose a man so very badly here and that this is somehow all your fault this has happened to you. Well it is not and this is all on him.

Its the act of being monitored without your consent he gets power and control from.

ProfessorPootle · 14/01/2021 09:32

Omg this would drive me insane. I had a bf at uni who was controlling and didn’t like me going out without him but there was none of this snooping about trying to catch me out. No following me around the house. I couldn’t live like this, it’s the following about and the questioning that’s creepy, and irritating. You have the patience of a saint. You have to call him out on it, every time he does it. What’s it got to do with him what you had for tea or if you went to a shop or if you’re enjoying your bath? I’d have to tell him to F off and get a life. He needs a hobby, which doesn’t involve you, and some individual counselling.

I like the idea of asking him why when he questions you, it’s definitely a control thing but he phrases it as just being interested. It think it’s totally fine to ask how he knew, question if he’s been through the bins, suggest he needs help. Also only respond to every 10th text, my dh and I text sometimes during day if needed but we’re both working so no response necessary most of the time, we don’t text ‘for a chat’. If there’s an emergency we’d phone. Seriously don’t know how you put up with this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2021 09:32

He is truly a dangerous individual and a man at that who is not going to let go of you at all easily.

Vigorothello · 14/01/2021 09:33

If he painted himself as innocent with the counsellor, what did he agree to do that made you stay? He can’t have agreed to change something he wasn’t admitting to doing...

Sparkletastic · 14/01/2021 09:35

What's your housing situation? Can you get him to move out for a while so you can consider whether you wish to stay in the relationship or not?

Billben · 14/01/2021 09:35

I couldn’t cope living with somebody like this. I’d suffocate (or suffocate them in my rage).

Whoateallthestuffingballs · 14/01/2021 09:37

He is either abusive or having some kind of mental health episode.

Either way, there is nothing you can do here, OP. He was called out on this behaviour by you and your joint counsellor and told it was not OK and all he has done is hidden that same behaviour a bit better, not stopped it. He is not going to stop no matter what you say. Because if he is abusive, he wants to keep up the behaviour, if it's a mental health issue, he can't stop.

I'd advise you get some counselling on your own and be very, very careful.

I absolutely agree with other posters that he will be following you electronically too. He has basically told you this ("I know more than you think"), but you don't want to believe it (and I do not blame you).

Be safe, OP.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 09:40

He did move out for a 2 weeks the last time but its jointly owned so I can't force him out. I don't want to either, I do love him and we get on spectacularly well and I enjoy his company. He didn't admit what he was doing but he promised he would stop since he knew it was hurting me, and in his defence he did. Its just starting to creep back in again now.

I'm hoping I can talk to him about it and get it resolved. My only worry is that the change will only be on the outside. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought he might be watching me without my even knowing.

OP posts: