DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

[bringwineplease]

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine.

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?"

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

Does he tell you how much he wants you to spend tie together? Outside of Covid for example, does he complain if you spend too much time working/exercising/seeing other people and not enough time with him? Does he insert himself into events that are not appropriate because he wants you to be together all the time?

He may well have dialled back his behaviour after seeing the counsellor, but it doesn't seem like he ever took responsibility for it. And during Covid, it would have been easier for him to track you as you weren't doing other stuff. .Now, either because he's just escalating and/or he's got complacent after being told off in counselling and now it's 15 months later, he's ramping things up again.

I'm also deeply suspicious of the situation with your family. If you wrre NC with them prior to him, I'm absolutely sure this was part of your attraction to him. And if it ws after you met him, I'd be re-examining very carefully what led to you being NC. Because men like this absolutely hate it when their partners have close, supportive families and friends and colleagues.

@bringwineplease

KatherineSiena He admitted to the counsellor that he is jealous of my job and feels inferior by comparison.

can he do anything to improve his own work and/or financial success? And if so, has he?

I went NC after I met him but he was honestly not part of it. It was their actions towards me that lead to that decision.

BlingLoving He can but hasn't. Laziness. I think he's acutely aware of it now though that his big 4-0 is looming.

And no he has never complained that I'm working too much or not spending enough time with him. Up until 2 years ago I was working all the hours. Dayshift, backshift, nightshift. Never had these issues back then, and if anything I was even harder to "keep track of". I'm in a much simpler routine now.

@bringwineplease

Cavagirl The jist of it was, we agreed to be more open and communicate with each other. I was to tell him when I was to start feeling resentful, or when I wasn't happy about something. (I have a terrible habit of keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself until they burst out) And he was to start thinking of things from my POV and how his actions might make me feel. This was going great for months.

That's probably why I'm so determined to give talking to him a chance first, as that's what was advised by my/our counsellor.

I do want to pursue individual counselling too. I know I have my own issues.

So the conclusion was you have "communication issues" rather than he's behaving in a completely unacceptable way? Being devil's advocate it sounds like he just learned to temporarily mitigate how obvious his controlling behaviour was and how he's relaxed...

You say your NC with your family - what about friends? Are you free to communicate with them, without interrogation? Male friends? Do your friends get on with him?

*you're

@bringwineplease

I went NC after I met him but he was honestly not part of it. It was their actions towards me that lead to that decision.

He helped you see how awful their actions were?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so cynical but I feel like I'm talking to SIL from before she had the DC and it's a bit heartbreaking.

See also that he COULD improve his situation but chooses not to, while simultaneously being resentful of her earning more money etc.

Yes the counsellor put it down to lack of communication skills with each other.

And yes, free to communicate with friends.

@bringwineplease

Yes the counsellor put it down to lack of communication skills with each other.

And yes, free to communicate with friends.

I wonder if it's because he is tracking your phone / internet usage etc..

He does not have to because he is stalking you and what he is doing now is (currently) working for him.

What do you think would happen if you said that this isn't a communication issue as you now know he is stalking you and this isn't acceptable?

And no he has never complained that I'm working too much or not spending enough time with him. Up until 2 years ago I was working all the hours.

I bet he wasn't fucking complaining then - you were at work so he knew where you were, you were taking on all the financial burden AND he got to enjoy being lazy! Jesus Christ, he's struck gold with you and you can't see how really, really unhealthy this dynamic is.

Do you really think if he had solo counselling it would help? He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong or he wouldn't have started doing it again. Or he does know it's wrong but doesn't care enough to change.

You're modifying your behaviour to placate his unreasonable expectations and questions.

It's time to wake up - you have a fertility window and you want kids. Do you really want kids with him? As he is now? You said no. This IS who he is!

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control.

I would change my pattern totally to challenge him. Small things like putting the keys in a different place, come home an hour late after work, go shopping at different places (don’t keep the receipt). Every time he asks you about it just say ’Why do you ask?’ and if he is ’just making conversation’ just say ’oh ok’ and nothing more.

It's obvious Op that you don't want to end this relationship but rather than waiting for councilling I think you really need to take some practical steps. Could you find someone who would come and sweep the house for hidden cameras and your phone for a tracking app? If we're all wrong and he's not stalking you then at least it would put your mind at rest but if we're right it will give you a whole new view on this relationship I'm sure. The whole thing makes me feel uneasy and I can't imagine how you'd ever feel able to bring a child into this mess

You say he's nearly 40, are you similar age or younger?
Do you drive to work or walk if it's close enough that he stalks you there? Have a car dash cam?

He hates you earning more, not needing him so he is controlling you in other ways.

The good thing is you aren't married, no kids and have your own income. You can sell the house, split everything and never have to deal with this arsehole again.

I wouldn't even buy him out of the house as I would have to live somewhere he had never had access to.

He used to when we first bought our home in 1996.
He's gone on furlough every Wednesday now but I wfh so he keeps shouting "when are you finishing?" and saying he's bored. He soon disappears when I suggest that he clears the garage, spare room or unloads the washing machine or pulls the bin out.

Maybe he's lonely

Hey OP,
I’m another one who is getting more and more terrified as I kept reading the thread. I’m actually quiet worried that you say there’s a 90% chance he will read it too.....I feel like that’s that is quiet a dangerous situation and having his actions so clearly
identified (when he has got you to the point were you feel it’s too hard to ask/question) might provoke him. I’m worried if you stop posting what that could mean.

I really urge you to make contact with someone in RL about this and maybe have a ‘go’ bag ready (at work?) so you can just ‘go’ at a moments notice, without returning home (and cameras). Just think too, if your car and phone were tracked, maybe you would need a small cheap phone in that bag as well, and money for taxis. And finally, a friend to stay with that he doesn’t know about (where they live or what car they drive). Scarily, when you think about it, you’ve said he knows a fair bit about your colleagues etc. he sounds a few steps ahead of you on this already.

*quite, not quiet (twice, above!)

Sounds like he's hypervigilant and has OCD along with a big dose of paranoia. I'd guess he's got a keylogger on your phone so can see everything you type and is tracking its location, possibly got a device on your car as well to track it.

It sounds like his mental health is in the shitter and possibly has a bunch of undiagnosed and therefore untreated conditions which are worsening. Possibly when he's distracted by speaking to people/working/golfing then his mind rests. Without those things, his mind wanders and he's fixating on you and the possibility that you're cheating or something.

I'd get him a VR headset as there's social apps on them where you can speak to loads of people. Might keep him distracted! But honestly I'd find it so hard to deal with that level of paranoia, I'd have ended it a long time ago.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar I agree on your points aswell and I think I've said on a PP about preparing to get away.
The concern would be he knows where she works so if she did eventually leave, my thought would be that a restraining order would probably be necessary.

He's gone on furlough every Wednesday now but I wfh so he keeps shouting "when are you finishing?"

What do you mean re he's gone on furlough every Wednesday now?. Furlough does not work in such a manner.

Your employers will start noticing if they have not already that he contacted you incessantly and are probably now also seeing decreased productivity from you. Now you are working more from home (is there any way of increasing your hours at a physical work site?) he is able to keep further tabs on you. Honestly being at home with him at all is doing you no favours.

Never have a child by him; triple lock your contraception. If you still want children you are going to have to find another man to have them by because he is absolutely not relationship, let alone father, material here.

I don’t want to alarm you, but the more I wrote that, the more I realised he had effectively closed off a lot of your exits already. Maybe get the bag and contents at lunchtime one day, in cash? As if you pack it at home I bet he will know. And add anything from home slowly. And definitely get another phone, transfer anything important across (contact info, photo) but not anything that means you can be traced back to it/located on itZ