DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

[bringwineplease]

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine.

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?"

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

I haven't had the chance to speak to him about the wardrobe yet. He was asleep when I left for work.

he's either plotting to kill you or just loves you.

You've asked him to consider private counselling?. He's already seen a counsellor face to face with you. That person called him out on his behaviour and like practically all abusers modified himself for a short time. Now you are seeing again who he really is You have stayed with him for really your own reasons.

I presume he knew long before present day that you were not in contact with your family. He has used that fact against you as well; saves him doing that because he would have tried to isolate you socially from them too.

You will continue to lose both mental health and wellbeing to this man as long as you stay with him.

Just RTFT...

OP all of your posts read like you've been conditioned by this man to act like you need to prove you've not done anything wrong..

In fact it's all about how you have to bend, adapt, remind yourself to do X to stop him doing Y and it sounds exhausting and like you are not allowed to 'just be' in your own home.

It sounds like you breathe an internal sign of relief when he leaves for work each night, so you can simply just relax, but even then you are continually considering his future reactions to whatever you do (what you eat, where you leave keys, receipts, what you do in the bathroom, where you pop to the shops etc etc..) - in fact the list of how this man affects your day to day thought process is incredibly long and tiresome.

His behaviour is FAR from normal, it is suffocating and is like a drip feed of coercion which has shaped how you operate.

Even now you are talking about this as a problem that you need to solve, that it's somehow up to you to get him to reign it in..

You cannot fix him and it's not your job to do that either, he is a grown man. Don't imagine you want to be his lifelong psychotherapist and Dr keeping his obsessive behaviour in check?

Just because this man isn't physically attacking you, it doesn't make it OK for him to relentlessly investigate your every move - it's sickening and frankly very entitled that he genuinely thinks it's okay to do this to anyone.

The fact you've already had joint therapy for this, which meant he 'stopped' doing it and is now back to doing it tells you that he never really stopped, he just hid it for a while and the mask is slipping back off now.

Having children with this sort of man would be a huge mistake and could lead to a massive uptick in his disturbing behaviour.

I would not be surprised if he is watching the house in some way, keylogging your mobile or devices and following you more often than you think.

oops....
maybe i should have read the full thing

What about your friends OP? Do you have many? Do you have contact with them often?

That's the other slightly odd thing he does. Sorry lilroo just when you said constant tabs on what I buy... he will randomly announce that he's been to the shops and detail what he has bought. Like he'll say "Well I went up to asda today." Oh ok "I bought more youghurt" Uh-huh... "And 2 more blocks of cheese" uh-huh... "and some peppers" Uh-huh... "and I decided to get some steaks too because they looked good". Uh-huh... And so on. I'm left thinking "why do I need to know this?"
I've never asked what he has bought and it's not a money thing either. He just randomly itemises everything. Maybe it is out of boredom?

I'm sure your head must be spinning OP.

Maybe do as a previous poster said, make some sort of list of odd things or use this thread, as there are probably way more odd things that you have just brushed off.

Have you mentioned anything yet about him following you about? That might be a way to lead on to the bigger conversation.

also he completely denied he was doing it at counselling, so it is not even as if he acknowledges that he is doing anything wrong, or was ready to admit the extent of what he was doing

My Dad started doing this and other odd behaviour and obsessions. It was caused by frontotemporal dementia. It's not just old people who get that type. Just as a suggestion.

You will never get him to reconsider how he treats you. End of.

"The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behaviour will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done".

He's a creepy stalker you actually have in your home!

He's not going to stop you know. You may as well buy some sort of body cam you can wear 24/7 and be done with it.

He's obsessed, isn't he?

This surely can't be a relationship that is bringing you joy.

What too did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
You do not have to answer that but I would urge you to think about that at some length and with a counsellor of your own.

I am completely relaxed and at ease around DH.

The only time I wasn't was when he was being emotional abusive due to being very unwell with MH issues. It is all sorted now but for a couple of years it was unbearable not because he was nasty (he emotionally shut me out) out because I couldn't be authentic me, was never fully relaxed etc. On constant alert, questioning my MH (took a long time for him to admit what was going on) I ended up paranoid and unwell.

This is no way for you to live!!

Fucking hell OP, this is fucked up. Nothing about your partner is normal. He sounds like some crazy psycho in a film. There’s no point me telling you to LTB as you’re obviously not there yet, but I hope you manage to snap out of your denial and minimising. Be careful though FFS, you’ll need a non-mol for this one, in fact you’ll need a new identity and a move across the country I wouldn’t wonder.

He may be able to temporarily suppress his monitoring (stalking) habits, but they will always return. You say you want children, but you wouldn't bring a child into this situation. Do you honestly believe he will see the error of his ways, back off from all the surveillance and then you can have kids and he'll be a normal father? If you want children you need to leave him.

The behaviour isn't rearing its ugly head again - this is his normal behaviour, I suspect.

The "good" behaviour was hard work for him to maintain.

His "good" behaviour was an act designed to trick you and one that he could not maintain. You are now seeing who he is and has been all along.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

His "good" behaviour was an act designed to trick you and one that he could not maintain. You are now seeing who he is and has been all along.

This. This is who he is.

Ask him to do stuff, give him chores, then you won't see him again!

@bringwineplease

I think hes similar to yours TigerDrawers he just stands about and gets in the way. Its genuinely like puppy dog behaviour.

You are in serious Denial I'm afraid

I would have left him a long time ago, he sounds ill, which is a shame, but no way could I live under that level of scrutiny. He's controlling and obsessed at the very least, potentially dangerous at worst. No way would I have kids with him, imagine if he got even more ill and convinced you were up to something/going to leave, I'd worry about what he might do with children involved.

I think now that you're detailing all this and can see how abnormal your relationship is, you need to have a good long think about the consequences of staying in it.

You mentioned you’re the main earner, how comfortable is he with that? I wonder if he feels inadequate next to you and this control and stalking is his way of asserting dominance.

KatherineSiena He admitted to the counsellor that he is jealous of my job and feels inferior by comparison.