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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DOE DP/DH just follow them around the house all the time?

540 replies

bringwineplease · 13/01/2021 14:26

I get the feeling this will be a resounding NO from many of you so this is probably more of a vent rather than "is this normal?"

Does anyone else's partners/husbands just follow them from room to room all the time?! It's getting so bad, I feel like I've got another dog!

A few recent examples:
Monday after work, DP comes through to the kitchen to meet me. Stand and chat for a few minutes while I put my bag down, coat off. Tell him I'm going upstairs to get changed... he follows me up the stairs, across the landing, into the dressing room, then I went into the bedroom for my slippers, follows me in there too, back in the dressing room to brush my hair, follows, walk halfway back to the stairs, realise I've forgotten my phone charger so back into the bedroom, and he's right behind me again! Sometimes he's nattering away, other times just watching.

Like the weekend, I walked from the kitchen to the utility to put a wash load on, turn round and he's standing silently watching me load the machine. Hmm

Weekend just passed, I thought a miracle had occurred as I had managed to have almost a full bath in peace. Then I heard shuffling outside the door like he's pacing up and down the hall. Then a quiet "hows your bath going?" "yes fine", a few seconds later hes opening the door Hmm I said "hey hold on a minute!" and scooped my towel off the floor before he jammed it under the door. He says "why have you put your towel in front of the door?" then looks around the room for a few seconds before turning the extractor fan on! I said "what are you doing? I'm trying to have some peace and quiet!" he just looked at me confused and shut the door again Confused

I know these examples sound silly but he's literally following me from room to room. Even if I'm just running upstairs quickly to get something, he follows me up. Sometimes I'm literally back at the top of the stairs again waiting to go down and catch him there. I said "I was coming right back!" He waits a few seconds pretending he's doing something then comes back down again.

Last Sunday I snapped and said "ffs it's like having a labrador puppy, you follow me everywhere!" he said "what's wrong with that? aren't we supposed to be together at the weekend?" Confused

Its infuriating! I feel suffocated! Thankfully he works nights so I get some peace in the evenings. Does anyone else have this problem???

OP posts:
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youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 13:03

@bringwineplease

Do you want children one day?

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 13:04

youvegottenminuteslynn Yes I do but there's no way I'd bring a child into this situation.

OP posts:
3rdNamechange · 14/01/2021 13:06

@bringwineplease

joystir59 I have asked him to consider private counselling. He said he would but wants to wait until he can see a counsellor face to face. He says he didn't get on with the Zoom meetings we had. Well that's not going to be anytime soon is it?! Hmm
But it didn't work last time. That's an excuse, he knows he can't see anyone face to face at the moment. I also think he's got the potential to be dangerous. Really think about it , wouldn't you like to be in a relationship where you can just come in and chuck your keys down without worrying?
Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 13:09

3rdNamechange I would love that.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 13:10

@bringwineplease

youvegottenminuteslynn Yes I do but there's no way I'd bring a child into this situation.
So what's the point continuing the relationship?

This is who he is. You've already had to have counselling with him and his behaviour has got worse.

Is it sunk cost fallacy and you just feel you're in too deep to leave?

This is NOT the kind of man you should have children with. Any type of abuse ramps up during pregnancy and the first year of a baby's life, I remember reading in a study.

You say you don't want to bring a child into "this situation" but "this situation" is him!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 13:12

@bringwineplease

3rdNamechange I would love that.
You can have that with any normal, nice man. Contrary to some stuff you read on here (but bear in mind people only post when there are issues so that's why it may seem loads of men are awful) there are PLENTY of them around.

You can have a fun, easy, mutual, respectful and calm relationship.

That's what you need to think of as the norm.

timeisnotaline · 14/01/2021 13:13

I’m relieved there are no children, just because this is super creepy behaviour.

Thefirsttime · 14/01/2021 13:17

@bringwineplease

Absolutely normal in the early days. This behaviour started probably 15 months or so ago? Ramped up so bad that I just imploded, told him I'd had enough and needed space, he moved out for a few weeks, we saw a counsellor. He's been "tentative" to my needs but nothing near like he used to be. Now its feels like its ramping up again with the sly little comments being the start of it. But I wanted to know if I was just being hypersensitive before I called him out on it.
I just wanted to comment on this and say, I doubt it has only been for 15 months and that for almost 9 years he didn’t do this. More likely you’ve only noticed it for 15 months.

Every update you post is more chilling. His behaviour is so controlling and so far from normal. He doesn’t “just notice these things”. He is stalking you and spying on you.

His behaviour is very deliberate. He knows exactly what he is doing and he’s doing it on purpose. That’s why the answer to the counsellor was this he didn't enlighten the counsellor or me as to why he was doing it. Doe eyed innocence and everything had an explanation.

He’s spying on you at home and work. Even sulking when you’re TEN minutes later than expected from work is far from normal.

it makes me sound like the one who is getting defensive, and like I'm making a big deal out of a non-event.
He’s ground you down for so long and done it so well that rather than finding his spying and interrogation of you so abnormal and the dealbreaker it should be you’re left thinking you’re being defensive when you’re very reasonably questioning his behaviour.

ImnotCarolineHirons · 14/01/2021 13:17

I maybe need to start keeping a diary

I just got to the point in the thread and my immediate reaction was no OP, you need to split up. He is stalking you. You live with someone who is obsessively monitoring you all day every day. I'm absolutely horrified by what I'm reading.

Guaranteed he would be reading that diary every day anyway.

3rdNamechange · 14/01/2021 13:17

@bringwineplease

3rdNamechange I would love that.
Well it might be hard , but you know what to do. It's easy for us to say LTB , but you really should.
Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 13:18

His behavior hasn't gotten worse, he was almost back to his old self for months. It's just starting to rear its ugly head again.
That's why I'm hoping I can reign it back in as quickly as possible.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 13:19

@bringwineplease

His behavior hasn't gotten worse, he was almost back to his old self for months. It's just starting to rear its ugly head again. That's why I'm hoping I can reign it back in as quickly as possible.
It is not a woman's job to regulate a man's behaviour.

You mention him maybe having counselling. Do you honestly think in private counselling he is going to be honest about his behaviour?!

Cavagirl · 14/01/2021 13:19

What was the conclusion of the counselling? How did you reconcile and move back in?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 14/01/2021 13:20

That's why I'm hoping I can reign it back in as quickly as possible

HE WILL NOT STOP. Stop trying to fix it.

lilroo87 · 14/01/2021 13:25

@bringwineplease even if he has counselling or you manage to get it under control to some part of normalcy again, how long before his behaviour starts going back to how he is low.
Do you want to be living like this forever? Every time you realise he's gotten worse again, you have to try and get it back to normal. That will be exhausting for you.
I think you are very brave to talk about it on here with people though. I didn't have the courage to tell anyone, not even strangers, about my ex and what I was going through until I'd left.
It's easy for us to say leave him as we're not invested with him like you are but maybe at work, away from his eyes, write down everything you can think of, all the times he's made you question your sanity or change your behaviour. Anytime he's said something that you find odd or acted in a way that's made you uncomfortable and read it all back, maybe it can help you to start the process of getting out before it gets worse.

isthismylifenow · 14/01/2021 13:25

@bringwineplease

youvegottenminuteslynn Yes I do but there's no way I'd bring a child into this situation.
Was this your feeling all through the years OP?
Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 13:30

Cavagirl The jist of it was, we agreed to be more open and communicate with each other. I was to tell him when I was to start feeling resentful, or when I wasn't happy about something. (I have a terrible habit of keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself until they burst out) And he was to start thinking of things from my POV and how his actions might make me feel. This was going great for months.

That's probably why I'm so determined to give talking to him a chance first, as that's what was advised by my/our counsellor.

I do want to pursue individual counselling too. I know I have my own issues.

OP posts:
3rdNamechange · 14/01/2021 13:31

@bringwineplease

His behavior hasn't gotten worse, he was almost back to his old self for months. It's just starting to rear its ugly head again. That's why I'm hoping I can reign it back in as quickly as possible.
But why ? It will always be there. Imagine if you have children and give up work how much worse it could be. Not only questioning what you're doing but with a baby as well.
Drinkingallthewine · 14/01/2021 13:31

Do you really think that down the line if you have kids and you say, do play dates with other parents, grab an impromptu coffee with another mum, get held up talking to the form teacher, get involved in the PA for the school, drive your DC to various hobbies that the scrutiny won't go off the scale entirely?
It's bad enough right now. What's going to happen when your DC gets grilled on what mummy did that day and which people she was speaking to.
There's spyware in the house - no way can he be that observant. He's stalking you at work- no sane person knows the cars of every colleague of their DPs. More than likely he's got some sort of tracker on your car or your phone so he can monitor your movements.

You can't live like this and you cannot fix it.

Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 13:35

Was this your feeling all through the years OP?
My feelings have shifted greatly through the years.

I've gone from not bothered about having kids and wanting to enjoy my freedom/establish my career, to getting older now and realising I do want them. That's when all my issues cropped up, I started thinking about kids seriously and realised actually I would be the one doing 100% of all the childcare and housework. As I think I said in a pp, he got extremely lazy and complacent around the house. That has changed, and continues to be excellent, and I was starting to think until a month ago (when the strange behavior started) that we could have that conversation about the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 13:36

3rdNamechange that would never happen - I am the main earner and that's unlikely to change. If anyone was to give up work/reduce hours, it would have to be him. And I wouldn't bring kids into an environment where he's acting so controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
bringwineplease · 14/01/2021 13:37

Drinkingallthewine I hadn't thought from that POV actually, thank you.

OP posts:
Maxiedog123 · 14/01/2021 13:37

This all sounds very worrying. The concern would be that if you were to leave or talk about leaving would your safety be at risk.
.

NettleTea · 14/01/2021 13:39

It would be easy to change a scew in the mirror with something like that.

I am betting 100% that your husband has followed your co-worker and snooped on them

I suspect there are cameras everywhere in your home.

What did he say as to why he was rummaging in the bottom of your wardrobe- what reason would he have to go in there?

lilroo87 · 14/01/2021 13:40

Maybe the reason he isn't as complacent with things around the house is so that he keep constant tabs on what you buy and check for anymore receipts